My un-known

Well it's my first time submiting something. So please don't go easy.

My Un-Known


Sometimes…
I
Wonder.

Though,
I
don’t even know your-
Name.

Overactive Imagination
WON’T SHUT UP!

So…
I
Day dream
Alert.

My UN- known.
Mysterious.
Dashing.
What ever I wish.

Me afraid.

My
UN- known…

isn’t so
Spectacular.

Known.

Please!
Don’t come
Any
Closer.

And let me have
My dreams

Of you.

ok. This is a start. It is good that you actually had an idea of what you wanted to write. Now what you have to do is to learn how to focus on that idea without being too explicit. I'm not sure which particular poems you've read, and which ones you are trying to emulate but maybe this style that you used is not the best way to start. (come to think of it, I am familiar with the style you are trying to emulate, but I think that it may be a little too tough while you're starting out) Maybe you should try working on poems with meter and rhyme first, that usually helps you to learn how to improve on your rhythm so that your poems would flow more smoothly, and then you take it from there.

the way you use "WON'T SHUT UP!" is too abrupt and sudden, and it doesn't really contribute much to the piece. I think I'll suggest not making it capitalized or omitting it entirely. The way you capitalize your UN too, it doesn't contribute as much as you'd want it to. (separating it with a hyphen is enough, there is no need to capitalize) There are also several contradictions in between, however considering that you are trying to project a confused individual, this is ok. But you may want to work on how these contradictions would ease into the poem to make the flow of it better.

This is an ok start. Keep practicing. and you'll get better.

-Tyler

I really like your theme and what you're actually saying in this. But the way you're saying it kind of makes it hard to understand.

Capitalization. Is there any rhyme or reason to your capitalization? I think, for readability, just capitalize the beginning of each sentence/phrase. When each line is so short, I don't think each one needs to start with a capital letter. And I would agree with Tyler not to capitalize "un".

Punctuation. I think you overuse ellipses in this (triple dots...). I think these should be used very rarely because they're kind of amateur. Maybe you could make your lines longer and create a pause with a line break. Also, I am unsure as to why you have a dash after "your."

Style/Miscellaneous.

Overactive Imagination

WON’T SHUT UP!

This, like Tyler said, is abrupt and kind of out of place. Also, it's a fragment, but not in a good way.

Me afraid.

Why isn't this "I'm afraid"? This doesn't come off the way you probably want it to.

So like I said, I really like all the words, I would just reformat them. Good message.
-rachel

I enjoyed this poem a lot. It really explores the depth of how people view themselves and who they want to be. People think that they have an idea of who they want to be but they don't really know. As much as that scares them it excites them as well. I love how your poem expressed the idea of this in its simple, but very touching way.

This is an interesting poem, I like the sort of off beat tempo that you develop with this one.

Usually I dont like capitalization that is not needed, however, I think that the way Overactive Imagination

WON’T SHUT UP! jumps out at you, contrary to other posts, is quirky and appropriate.

Good work!