My un-known

Well it's my first time submiting something. So please don't go easy.

My Un-Known


Sometimes…
I
Wonder.

Thought,
I
don’t even know your-
Name.

Overactive Imagination
WON’T SHUT UP!

So…
I
Day dream
Alert.

My UN- known.
Mysterious.
Dashing.
What ever I wish.

Me afraid.

My
UN- known…

isn’t so
Spectacular.

Known.

Please!
Don’t come
Any
Closer.

And let me have
My dreams

Of you.

Hello!

Welcome to the site.

Interesting poem here.

It has a nice theme to it, although I can't really grasp what it is. So... you want to imagine and not experience? Sometimes I feel like that.

Punctuation...

Sometimes…
I
Wonder.

I don't really think you need the ellipsis.

Thought,
I
don’t even know your-
Name.

No need for the dash. Plus your tenses are different. The "thought" is past and the "I don't even" is present.

So…
I
Day dream
Alert.

The ellipsis is good here. But comma after dream. Plus isn't daydream one word? The alert though, is totally opposite of daydream...


Imagery. I think you should add some to make it have more depth, and more emotion.

The all caps... I think you shouldn't put this:

Overactive Imagination
WON’T SHUT UP!

in all caps. Perhaps italicize them.

The UN-known part was okay though.

I think this poem is a little unclear, about what it is actually about. In the first few stanzas I thought of something but then the rest were totally different of what I thought. Just my opinion...


Hope this helps!
~Stormy


[spoiler]Hmmm, I give this a 6/10.[/spoiler]

Hi! Peanut here...
To me, this poems line breaks are off, which are interrupting the rhythm. You have very interesting choice of line breaks, and I wonder how you decided upon them. They definitely need work. And as for the nit- picks;

Me afraid.

My
UN- known…

isn’t so
Spectacular.

Known.

Your line breaks are off throughout the whole poem, but this one is the most confusing. Why are there all those spaces between the lines? I don't think you neeed those. Also, those lines that are alone; 'me afraid.' and 'known', are very, very confusing. They don't seem like they even fit in the poem!

My UN- known.
Mysterious.
Dashing.
What ever I wish.

Me afraid.

My
UN- known…

isn’t so
Spectacular.

Known.

What's with the known and un- known? I would try to find some other synonyms for those, just so you don't keep repeating yourself.

Please!
Don’t come
Any
Closer.

I would get rid of the exclamation point after 'please' in the beginning, and just put a comma. It flows a little better.

To me, this poem could have been a lot better. The concepts were all over the place, at least for me. Work a little harder next time!

But, if this your first time, then it's okay... you'll get used to being critiqued/ reviewed like this. Great job and keep at it

Hey, QueenB, congrats on your first posted piece! *throws confetti* I'm honored to review it for you. ^^ I see that you already are ahead of the ratio, so I don't need to lecture about that. Shall we begin?

I actually disagree with the first two reviewers on this poem. Sure, the message was a bit ambiguous, and the line-breaks were confusing at best, but I loved the concept. I thought the choppy flow made it erratic and gave it personality. I think it's so confusing because the narrator herself is confused, and that makes it okay.

Line Breaks

So. I think formatting adds a lot to a poem, and this is no exception. I'm going to point out some spots where I think you could either add more formatting, or tone it down a bit.

Sometimes…
I
Wonder.

Thought,
I
don’t even know your-
Name.

This is the part that confused me the most. I wanted to read it like this:

Sometimes, I wonder, thought I. I don't even know your name.

But that's not what it says. I think, perhaps, you meant for that 'thought' to be a 'though', without the 't', so that it reads:

Sometimes, I wonder. Though, I don't even know your name.

That would make much more sense. I like the ellipses on the first line (the dot dot dot, or ... in case you had forgotten ) and I think the choppy punctuation is effective to a point.

Next scenario.

My
UN- known…

isn’t so
Spectacular.

Known.

Please!
Don’t come
Any
Closer.

I adore the part that I underlined. I love the exclamation point. Please, please, please do not take the exclamation point away! I think I might cry if you do. It's far too expressive and well-placed.

Also, I like how you capitalized the UN in front of 'known'. However, the ellipses here seem out of place. I think it would be better, here, to change them into a comma instead. Also, in the part I highlighted red, I think you need to add a 'but' in there somewhere. As a contradiction. You're saying that the unknown may not be all that spectacular, but still, you don't want the known to come any closer. That also makes it one thought, and therefore one stanza. See what I mean? So, I'd rewrite the entire thing as follows:

My
UN- known,

isn't so
Spectacular.

But,
Known,
Please!
Don't come
Any Closer

And here:

Me afraid.

You need a comma in the middle, before 'afraid', for this to make sense.

Capitalization

Alright. I don't get it. I'll admit that right out front. For example, on the all-caps part here:

Overactive Imagination
WON’T SHUT UP!

I do think italics or blod would work better. Or, if you don't like the look of that, you could try some mis-matched capitalization, like this:

Overactive Imagination
wON't ShUT uP!

It gives it a bit more techo, funky feel. But, do whatever you like.

In other palces, you begin certain lines with capitalization and other lines as lowercase. I think it would be better to come up with some criteria for capitals: such as, the emphasized words will start with capital letters, and those not emphasized won't. Make sense? Like, something along these lines:

And let me have
My dreams

Of you.

Would turn into:

and let me have
My Dreams

Of You.

Just to add some more dramatic effect on certain words that, otherwise, wouldn't be affected. Or, you could leave your capitals as they are and play around with italics and bold.

^^ Really, i loved this. I adore abstract poetry, and I adore unique formatting, so this poem was a real delight for me. It's a matter of opinion, and I'm sure better poets than I will tell you that you need a clearer meaning and more imagery, but I say simply add some commas and mess around with some more additions, just to add that 'feel' to the poem.

Great job, and I hope this wasn't a terribly confusing review!

~Evi