Bloodlust - Chapter Two

** I am no longer using YWS but I'd like to say thank you to everyone who commented on my work and helped me to improve it - you guys are seriously amazing and I love you all. Thank you!! xx **

Hiya,
Ok review time!

After killing Peter, I returned back to the grassy hill on which I surveyed the village only hours ago, mocking them of their ignorance.

Mocking their ignorance. I don't think there is any need for the "them of".

It’s more like I’m watching the humans through rose-tinted glass than for it to be actually possible that anyone could feel the singular emotion of happiness day in, day out. It’s just not possible.

Nice, I like this!

They just feed and care for the animal, but can only walk away when it goes to get slaughtered.

I think the wording of this is slightly awkward, is there any other way you could say it? The sentence is good except for the wording.



All in all i really like this. For someone who isn't used to writing in first person this is really good!
Some of the sentences seem a bit formal, is that just the character?
I can't wait to read the rest!

One thing before I begin, sorry if i make any spelling mistakes or anything like that.

Quick question, is this past or present tense? I get confused sometimes with differenciating them. But it seems to be in past tense then all of a sudden there is a 'now' or somthing like that. I'm just a weee bit confused.

It’s more like I’m watching the humans through rose-tinted glass than for it to be actually possible that anyone could feel the singular emotion of happiness day in, day out. It’s just not possible.

This sentence reads a little awkward to me, and it is a bit of a run on. Maybe read it out loud and reword somethings?

They seem to be reasonable enough motives; if there was an obnoxious human drooling over me, I’d certainly want to slit its throat and drink its blood.

I think this is two different sentences. And, i dont know, there is just something about the way it is worded, i just dont like it.

Also, humans don’t take to killing one another for food: they kill animals instead, which I suppose must make them feel better because at least the animals can’t talk back to them. They just feed and care for the animal, but can only walk away when it goes to get slaughtered.

Nice connection/metaphor

Or I should say fangs.

huh, that's uh...how do i say this. Cheezy? I'm not sure if theres a way you can add something to this.

I need to live somehow.

I think you should add something to this too. Most vampires that i read about have a motive for staying alive, or for dieing. Why does the MC need to stay alive?

Humans feed on the animals while I feed on them: it’s only fair... right?

Circle of life?

Although I haven’t yet found anything to complete the cycle that will eat or feed on me.

Although, I have yet to find anything to complete the cycle. Nothing I've ever come across could possible eat or feed on me.

So maybe you could class me as top of the food chain:

Don't use 'you' reword to sound more like So i guess i could be classed as the top of the food chain... Something like that?

aside totally indestructible that is

Aside from being totally...

What I am still defeats me. I know there are others out there like me, how else did I become what I am? I just haven’t found another yet. Maybe when I do they can answer my questions, like why did the vampire that attacked me and left me for dead not make sure I didn’t become what he was?

Again, the wording, its painful.

Alrighty. It was...interesting. I don't really see a plot forming here. Maybe that will appear in the next chapter, but, right now, I don't see where it's leading. Maybe finding her maker? Seems kind of 'Interview with the Vampire' when Luis tries to find all the answers to why he is what he is. And all that Jazz. It was very well written and I look forward to reading whatever comes next. Please, let me know where you take this, it is very intreging.

Hi Lucy It's Dreamwalker, supplying the review!

Ah, you like harsh critiques . Then I shall ablige the best I can, although I cant promise it will be as harsh as you want it for your grammer and neatness is fairly unflawed so I'll just nick at some of the storyline and a few things I didnt like.

Kay, so, here is goes.

Night fell quickly; darkness draped over the serene village, lit only by the rainbow colours of twinkling Christmas lights.

Beautiful use of a semicolon. I normally hate them, but used right only inhances the storyline. The first sentence is intreging and catches the reader right off the bat. I like that.

Not too long, I hoped wistfully; the long journey it took to get me here was now taking its toll: my eyelids were starting to droop and my muscles were relaxing, but I was determined that this was one scene I wasn’t going to miss.

Now this is where I would draw the line. I really depise the idea of the semicolon, but when used right, it works. When overused... well thats when I draw the line. Two semicolons in one sentence is where I would draw the line.

I could hear the happiness that radiated from within the pub,

The reoccuring theme of happiness throughout her thoughts is interesting, but the word in itself becomes redundant. Watch out for that. Try using words like joyous and exuberated or some sort that will cut down on the repetitiveness or it will start to drawl after awhile.

Through my travels I’ve studied families and the powerful connections in which they bind the humans.

This sentence doesnt really sound quite right. Try saying 'them' instead of 'humans' for it just sounds strange from the standpoint, like it's switching thoughts halfway through.

Happiness. Something I simultaneously long for and want to destroy.

I dont like the use of the word Simultaneously in this sentence. I think it would be better without it, and more powerful or a statement without it as well. It is only one line, and those tend to really get the reader going. The longer word sort of takes away from the powerful though.

A woman’s shriek pierces the air and immediately all laughter ceases and is replaced with wild hysterics of shrieking and sobbing.

The word 'shriek' feels a little too repetitive. Change one of them to something like 'screaming' or 'crying out'.

Slowly, I walked away from the scene of sorrow unfolding below me and searched for any feelings of remorse.

The word sorrow is starting to sound a little repetitive as well.

The same kind of guilt and shame that is shown by murderous humans so often on the televisions in humans’ houses.

Try using 'their' instead of 'humans' near the end of the sentence.

These emotions shown by plastic looking humans inside the televisions intrigue me so much so that I take to searching for empty houses or even just peeking through open windows to see humans crying over killing someone.

Feels like your overusing the word 'humans'.

But still the humans cry whilst the official looking ones in refined suits survey them with disgust as though killing is something that’s never crossed their mind.
Like hell it hasn’t.

I particularily like this part. It sounded very well thought out and had quite the bite to it.

Also, humans don’t take to killing one another for food: they kill animals instead, which I suppose must make them feel better because at least the animals can’t talk back to them. They just feed and care for the animal, but can only walk away when it goes to get slaughtered.

I do realise you have to change the subject to walking away, but it seems sort of silly put in this way for you jump from two completely different concepts. From animals not being able to talk back to being able to walk away. Those are two good factors, but it feels as if, with these sentences, that your stressing one or the other. Not both.

They are the matter of life and death for the humans that happen to cross my path –

You already used the line 'cross my path' in this story. Twice makes it sound a little redudant.

I need to stay alive somehow, and drinking their blood is my only means. I need to live somehow.

This shouldn't have two somehow's in one sentence. Try wording it like 'I need to stay alive somehow, and drinking their blood is my only means. I need to live.'

Humans feed on the animals while I feed on them: it’s only fair... right?

I like this particularily. Irong is something that writers could work their whole lives to find in their writing, and you just showed us irony in the second chapter. I give you props from that. And the use of ...'s also give it a feeling of forboding.

A definition from a superhero on their televisions,

I'd say 'for' not 'from'.

I always make sure the humans never become what I am; it’s the only favour I wish to give them.
Questions but no answers. That’s all I seem to have, questions rolling around aimlessly in my head, but never any answers. In all my searching and travelling I am yet to find another one of me.

This last bit also intrigued me. The idea that this character seems so meloncholy about oneself and how things are laid out as such.. it just works for the character and I can really feel the powerful emotions coming from the character herself. Nice job indeed.

In all my searching and travelling I am yet to find another one of me. I am yet to find another blood drinker.

The last sentence felt a little out of place. Try deliberating on it a bit more to bring up the wonderment in the reader.

Maybe like this.

"In all my searching and Travelling I am yet to find another one of me. Another creature doomed to this eternity of hell that cycles on in the same reverbeating theme. A cold harsh dream that became more of a reality to me then any could possibly imagine (aka the dream sort of like a movie. Ties in." I am yet to find another blood-drinker."

This way the last sentence will turn out more powerful then the rest and really give a nice kick to the end and have the reader aching for more. Give them something to ponder and get excited about and really show them a side of the character that makes them ache. Sorry I do love vampires, and the Vampire Chronicles are my favourite book series so I do love how you portray your protagonist.

Overall:

Although you have some redundancy issues riddled through your work, your grammer and constistency is phenominal and your use of vocabulary is far superb.

But thats not what I want to get at. The vampire you're portraying is absoluetly wonderful to read about, and something immaculate about your work makes the heart almost ache for the character even though the words she thinks are more menacing then meloncholy. Just as Anne Rice created Lestat and made everyone feel for his character even though he was a raging sociopath, your character is one that make us feel as readers and thats something you shouldn't let go of for a second. Writing is an art form, and you truly have some raw talent to work with.

Hopefully that was a harsh enough critique. I'm not the greatest at them.

Ciao
-The.Dreamwalker

Hey, Luce. Just thought I catch up on your latest. And unfortunately, everyone else has taken care of the little nit-picky things, so I will comment only on my one problem:

Night fell quickly; darkness draped over the serene village, lit only by the rainbow colours of twinkling Christmas lights. After killing Peter, I returned back to the grassy hill on which I surveyed the village only hours ago, mocking them of their ignorance. I now waited for their happy existence to be shattered.
Fixing my gaze on the pub, where the festivities lay high, I wondered how long it would be until Peter’s body was found. Not too long, I hoped wistfully; the long journey it took to get me here was now taking its toll: my eyelids were starting to droop and my muscles were relaxing, but I was determined that this was one scene I wasn’t going to miss.
I could hear the happiness that radiated from within the pub, and instantly I wanted to be a part of that. A part of the tight-knitted community where it’s like a big family. Through my travels I’ve studied families and the powerful connections in which they bind the humans. The connection fascinates me, but seems too surreal to actually exist. It’s more like I’m watching the humans through rose-tinted glass than for it to be actually possible that anyone could feel the singular emotion of happiness day in, day out. It’s just not possible.
Happiness. Something I simultaneously long for and want to destroy.
Creak. My eyes are instantly fixed on the open pub door, where light has pooled out onto the silver-frosted ground and casting a ghostly shadow of light on Peter’s corpse.
A woman’s shriek pierces the air and immediately all laughter ceases and is replaced with wild hysterics of shrieking and sobbing.

So the bold things are the ones in present tense. (EX: We walk to the park. "Let's feed the ducks," she says.)

The underlined things are past tense. (EX: We walked to the park. "Let's feed the ducks," she said.)

This is really the only spot I noticed difficulty with tenses. Everything else seems fine. I know the difficulty with tenses; I love present tense, and two of my stories are in it, but the other is in past, so I get them mixed up constantly. I'm sure know the problem. I'm assuming it's supposed to be in present tense, so here is my re-write:

Night falls quickly; darkness hangs over the serene village, lit only by the rainbow colours of twinkling Christmas lights. After killing Peter, I return back to the grassy hill on which I surveyed the village only hours ago, mocking them of their ignorance. [s]I now waited[/s] Now I wait for their happy existence to be shattered.
Fixing my gaze on the pub, where the festivities lay high, I wonder how long it [s]would[/s] will be until Peter’s body [s]was[/s] is found. Not too long, I hope wistfully; the long journey it took to get me here [s]was[/s] is now taking its toll: my eyelids [s]were[/s] are starting to droop and my muscles [s]were[/s] are relaxing, but I [s]was[/s] am determined that this was one scene I [s]wasn’t[/s] am not going to miss.
I [s]could[/s] can hear the happiness that radiated from within the pub, and instantly I want to be a part of that. A part of the tight-knitted community where it’s like a big family. Through my travels I’ve studied families and the powerful connections in which they bind the humans. The connection fascinates me, but seems too surreal to actually exist. It’s more like I’m watching the humans through rose-tinted glass than for it to be actually possible that anyone could feel the singular emotion of happiness day in, day out. It’s just not possible.
Happiness. Something I simultaneously long for and want to destroy.
Creak. My eyes are instantly fixed on the open pub door, where light has pooled out onto the silver-frosted ground and casting a ghostly shadow of light on Peter’s corpse.
A woman’s shriek pierces the air and immediately all laughter ceases and is replaced with wild hysterics of shrieking and sobbing.

So there you have it. I hope it clears that up. That's the only part I could see that was messed up.

I like the bitter, sarcastic tone your MC has. Especially these lines:

Sure, I’m not the expert on human emotions even though technically I am one. I mean, I look like them, talk like them but I just don’t share their food interest.
Let’s just say I like my meat raw.
Also, humans don’t take to killing one another for food: they kill animals instead, which I suppose must make them feel better because at least the animals can’t talk back to them. They just feed and care for the animal, but can only walk away when it goes to get slaughtered.
Walking away.
It seems to be what all humans do best, including half-humans like me. All I ever do is walk away from dead humans, with no feelings of regret even though they’re dead by my own hands. Or I should say fangs.

Anyway, great work! Pm me if you update this.

xoxo
~Sunny

Night fell quickly; darkness draped over the serene village, lit only by the rainbow colours of twinkling Christmas lights.

A full stop would work better than a semicolon. Darkness is more a separate entity from night than a descriptor. Also, the comma mucks up the meaning of the sentence. Is "lit only by the rainbow colours of twinkling Christmas lights" referring to the darkness or the village?

Darkness is the subject of the sentence; village is the object of the preposition. Draped and lit are both verbs, and so, you would think, directly linked to the subject. If that made sense.

In any sense, nixing the comma and adding in a "which was" will fix this issue.

After killing Peter, I returned back to the grassy hill on which I surveyed the village only hours ago, mocking them of their ignorance. I now waited for their happy existence to be shattered.

Much more wordy than it needs to be, and much too wordy for my tastes. We already know that she killed Peter, so that bit is redundant.

I suggest something like "Atop the same grassy hill I had surveyed the village from hours before, I waited for the shattering of their happy existence."

Fixing my gaze on the pub(no comma) where the festivities lay high, I wondered how long it would be until Peter’s body was found. Not too long, I hoped wistfully; the long journey it took to get me here was now taking its toll: my eyelids were starting to droop and my muscles were relaxing, but I was determined that this was one scene I wasn’t going to miss.

How can festivities lay high? It makes no sense. For one, lay is a passive verb - you lie down after you lay your keys on the table. Also, how can festivities lie high in the first place? o.O Both lie and lay denote things at rest, and as festivities are the opposite of restful, it makes no sense. @_@

Hoping is understood to be wistful.

And I see you like your semicolons and colons. I see you like them a bit too much. Periods are deserve some love, too, you know. :P They're much less intrusive.

I could hear the happiness that radiated from within the pub, and instantly I wanted to be a part of that. A part of the tight-knitted community where it’s like a big family. Through my travels I’ve studied families and the powerful connections in which they bind the humans. The connection fascinates me, but seems too surreal to actually exist. It’s more like I’m watching the humans through rose-tinted glass than for it to be actually possible that anyone could feel the singular emotion of happiness day in, day out. It’s just not possible.

The wordiness pretty much killed the sentiment for me. I suggest going through and rewriting every single sentence/paragraph as simply as possible and with as few adverbs/adjectives as possible then add in the details/descriptors essential for the meaning of the sentence.

Conciseness is a beautiful thing. :P

Happiness. Something I simultaneously long for and want to destroy.

Jarring. The previous paragraph made it seem as if you had finished talking about happiness, then BAM! Happiness again. I suggest incorporating this into the previous paragraph.

Creak.

Would work better as its own paragraph and, perhaps, italicized.

My eyes are instantly fixed on the open pub door, where light has pooled out onto the silver-frosted ground and casting a ghostly shadow of light on Peter’s corpse.

Gah! Too wordy, and tense shift!

I suggest "My eyes instantly fix on the opened pub door. The light from inside pools onto the silver-frosted ground and casts a ghostly shadow upon Peter's corpse."

Also, how exactly does a ghostly shadow of light work?

A woman’s shriek pierces the air and immediately all laughter ceases and is replaced with wild hysterics of shrieking and sobbing.

Too many ands and independent clauses. @_@ This really should be separated into at least two sentences.

Pain and sorrow. Fright and shock. Emotions which are all too familiar to me and emotions which I inflict upon any human who dares cross my path.

To keep with the pattern you already set as well as cutting down on the wordiness:

"Emotions all too familiar to me. Emotions I inflict upon any human that dares cross my path."

Also, as our narrator thinks so little of humans, apparently, having her refer to them as a that rather than a who makes more sense.

Slowly, I walked away from the scene of sorrow unfolding below me and searched for any feelings of remorse. The same kind of guilt and shame that is shown by murderous humans so often on the televisions in humans’ houses.

The sentence fragment doesn't really work here. It's too abrupt and inconclusive.

Also, what tense is this chapter in? Past or present? There is much switching in between, and it is confusing.

These emotions shown by plastic looking humans inside the televisions intrigue me so much so that I take to searching for empty houses or even just peeking through open windows to see humans crying over killing someone.

Too wordy.

Most of the time their reasons are pretty rational: they’ve been cheated on by the person they killed, or [s]even simply because[/s] they (simply) didn’t like (the other person). [s]They seem to be reasonable enough motives;[/s] (I know that) if there was an obnoxious human drooling over me, I’d certainly want to slit its throat and drink its blood. But still the humans cry [s]whilst[/s] (too archaic) the official(s) [s]looking ones[/s] in refined (refined isn't the best word to use here; "primly pressed" or "spotless" or even "professional") suits survey them with disgust as though killing is something that’s never crossed their mind.
Like hell it hasn’t.

This section reveals a lot about her character. :3 I really liked it. Still, it's a bit on the wordy side (I bet you're probably wishing I'd shut up about wordiness XD).

(I admit), I’m not (an) expert on human emotions, even though, technically, I am one.

Sure in the way you used it leads into a but, but you don't have a but.

I mean, I look like them (and) talk like them, but I just don’t share their food interest.

How does this prove she is technically human? It works better as an explanation of how she is more not-human.

Let’s just say I like my meat raw.

I love this line. Love it to pieces. X3

Also, humans don’t take to killing one another for food: they kill animals instead, which I suppose must make them feel better because at least the animals can’t talk back to them. They just feed and care for the animal, but can only walk away when it goes to get slaughtered.

I see what you're trying to say, but it's a bit muddled. Try "but then they walk away as it is led to the slaughter."

Walking away.
It seems to be what all humans do best, including half-humans like me. All I ever do is walk away from dead humans, with no feelings of regret even though they’re dead by my own hands. Or I should say fangs.

Merge the two paragraphs. "Walking away" has enough emphasis as just a fragment. Giving it its own paragraph makes it feel melodramatic.

That’s what seems to be the popular name for pointed teeth like mine in all those vampire movies the humans like to entertain themselves with. Fangs. They are the matter of life and death for the humans that happen to cross my path – I need to stay alive somehow, and drinking their blood is my only means. I need to live somehow.

Too wordy. @_@

Humans feed on the animals while I feed on them: it’s only fair... right?

The ellipses make her feel as if she's doubting herself and doesn't fit with how you've portrayed her so far.

[s]Although I haven’t yet found anything to complete the cycle that will eat or feed on me. So maybe you could class me as top of the food chain: it seems a perfect enough description of what I am, aside totally indestructible that is.

Again, too wordy. Someone else suggested a better way of rephrasing this which I suggest you take a look at.

A definition from a superhero on their televisions, but one that fits what I am. Ironic much?

*is bricked*

No need to point out the irony so blatantly. It ruins the effect. Something more subtle like, "Imagine me, a superhero," would be better. It still points out the irony without going "Oh! Lookit me! Isn't it so ironic?!"

What I am still defeats me.

Simple language sometimes is best. How can what you are defeat you? It's like saying the sun defeats itself.

I know there are others out there like me, how else did I become what I am?

Run-on sentence.

Maybe when I do, they can answer my questions, like why did the vampire that attacked me and left me for dead not make sure I didn’t become what he was?

You guessed it! Too wordy.

Why did he never come back to check?

I always make sure the humans never become what I am; it’s the only favour I wish to give them.

Why is it a favor? Why does she consider it a favor?

Questions but no answers. That’s all I seem to have, questions rolling around aimlessly in my head, but never any answers. In all my (searches and travels,) I (have) yet to find another one of (my kind). I (have) yet to find another blood drinker.

You need to transition into this paragraph better. It goes "I have questions" to "I don't turn people into vampires" suddenly back to "I have questions".

So, overall, you need to cut down on the wordiness. Not only did the unnecessary words sometimes confuse the meaning of the sentence, they also made the entire chapter feel more melodramatic than bitter or cynical (at least, that was how I felt). Bitter people tend to be biting. They don't bother with flowery sentiments or language; instead, they cut down to the heart of the matter as quickly as possible.

Other than the wordiness, I did enjoy this chapter since we got a lovely peek into her thoughts and motivations. :3

This was great, but I must admit that I am midly confused. The reason being is your character says she doesn't understand human emotion though she is one, but then it says she's half-human. Maybe I wasn't paying close attention and missed something, but I'm not quite comprehending. Other than that it was amazing.