Really?

I watched the movie, but none of it registered. It felt like my hand had been resting so close to Alex’s for so long that I wanted to scream. It rested on my knee, fingers curled up like a dying spider. But it was more inviting that way, right? My fingers were out there, ready to be held. They felt sort of sweaty, but I didn’t move in case it made Alex lose his nerve. The second I take it away, he might think that I was moving it away from him.

Why won’t he hold my hand?

Is he expecting me to make the first move? How do I know for sure he’s even gay? I mean, he knows I am, and he agreed to come to the movies with me alone… Does he know I like him?

He must. I thought of our conversations. He’d said he thought my new haircut was cute- which it certainly wasn’t. Guys always look weird right after they get their hair cut. It’s like a rule.

But why would he say it was cute unless he liked me and wanted me to feel better?

He readjusted himself in his seat, took a sip of his soda, and reached over for some popcorn. I stiffened, but his eyes were glued to the screen. Is he really watching?

I tried to relax in the dark theater. I would just relax, and he would make a move eventually. And it was definitely his turn to make a move. I’d invited him here, which was definitely a leap. He’d never actually told me that he was gay. I’d just assumed. When I’d confided in him, all he’d said was “Really?”

“Yeah. Really,” I’d responded, glad he couldn’t see my face; we’d been talking on the phone.

“Good,” he’d said, and then somehow we’d gotten off that topic. Why hadn’t he said “me too” or something?

I glanced at Alex out of my the side of my eye. He was staring at the screen intently. His dark eyes gleamed with the flashes on screen. He had thick eyebrows, and a strong jawline. Masculine and gorgeous. He was so sure of himself, always confident and out-going.

Then why am I always the one putting myself out on a limb?

Because I want him to tell me it’s okay. I want him to say he feels the same way.

I sighed.

He glanced over at me. Oh, shit. That was too loud. I’m so obvious.

I could hardly see his face, it was so dark. I suddenly wanted to badly. I wondered if he could tell that I was looking at him out of the corner of my eye.

Alex’s hand slowly reached for the popcorn, and he ate it piece by piece, still peeking at me. He wiped his hand off on his jeans when the popcorn was gone.

My hand’s right there, I encouraged silently.

He turned his head back towards the movie screen, his hand mimicking mine, resting gently on his leg, waiting to be grabbed.

He’s really gonna make me do it?

I should. It’s no big deal. He’s probably thinking the same thing I had been.

But what if he isn’t? What if he doesn’t even like me like that?

He must. Why else would he have come to the movies with me? Why else would he have stared at me like that?

I don’t know, but it was actually a little creepy.

Just do it.

My heart raced. It took years for my hand to reach his. But when it did, his fingers laced in between mine easily, as if we’d been doing this for years. As if this wasn’t the first boy I’d held hands with in public.

He turned his head towards me, and I turned, too. He smiled, and I couldn’t help smiling back.

And then he leaned towards me. This can’t be happening…

But he didn’t lean in to kiss, he leaned in to whisper.

“You’re blushing,” he teased quietly. The tone of his voice was so soft, so sexy. I wanted him to keep talking to me like that.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” he replied. Our faces were so close. Our noses touched. A finger from his other hand was suddenly under my chin, pulling my face up.

Right before our lips met, I said softly, “Really?”

“Yeah. Really.”

And then his lips were on mine and I lost all trains of thought for the first time in my life.

aww i like that story! The only thing was just be a little more descriptive. Also is that it or is their more? Maybe after the stories done put a little thing saying that thats not the end. Anyhow it was sweet.

Hello, darling! I'm Music.


Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

He readjusted himself in his seat, took a sip of his soda, and reached over for some popcorn.

He turned his head towards me, and I turned, too.

Language Usage & Writing Style: It was a dainty, cute little story. I felt you could've captured a bit more tension, if you know what I'm saying?
Also, a thing on the tenses: You kept switching, my darling! Make sure you stay on one tense.


Characters: I think that there was not a lot of development in either character, but we really didn't need it in the [I'm assuming] short story. We got just a hint of their personalities, but this story was more about the emotions and actions rather than the characters in it.


Imagery & Emotion: I thought you did fairly well in each. The imagery was good, but I wanted a bit more nervousness in the beginning and middle and surprise and relief at the end.


Overall, you did well, my darling! Is this for the Gay Contest, by the way?

Love,
Music

Hiya!

Awww. This was a sweet short story. It was very cute. Music already found the grammer so nothing there. Although there wasn't much, so good job on that.

I think the description was good, you made us feel as the narrator did.
You made it really real, it was like the narrators first date, excited, scared, nervous.

Overall:
It was really good. It was one of those short, sweet, and cute stories that has very good emotion in it.
Wow. Awesome job!!!! (Gold Star)
~Storm

PS: Sorry this isn't much of a review.

Right, all the necessary comments about grammar have been said already, so all that's left to say is...

This is a very sweet little story that kept me hanging on untill the end. Is there more? I'd like to read more.

Two things I saw that either confused me, or that I think could be corrected.

1. He must. I thought of our conversations.

I'm a bit unsure about this one, but saying "I thought" is past tense, and the rest of your writing piece is in present tense. (Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, because I'm not sure) Seems like you kept using different tenses.

2. I suddenly wanted to badly.

Wanted to what?

----

Other than those things I noticed, I found myself smiling right at the end without being confused. I'm sure all of us have gone through something similar (with a boy OR girl) and that's what's great about it -- its easy to relate to. Well done!

I loved this story so much. I don't think it needs to be more descriptive because it's just a short little piece, and a big pile of how the characters look, or the exact setting, or their traits would definitly ruin it. If you're planning to write more on it though you should describle. But if this is the piece alone, leave it be.
*Winie*

I liked it! I thought it was very cute. Not over the top, just right. The only thing wrong is where you kept switching tenses. Is there more? I think alot of people would like to read a continuation of it don't you? Keep going if there is! It's good! Ttyl. x x x x x

I liked it, it was a good short story but I confused myself while I read it lol. Was it only the girl narrating or was it both her and the guy? I didn't understand that but for what it was, it was good. I enjoyed it. ^-^

I don't know what it is, but stories about gay people just seem...more intense. Most of the time. Anyway, because of that, I'm really picky when I go to read it. You did a fantastic job. It felt real and I hardly saw any grammar mistakes, to distract me from your writing. Good job.

Hey Kaila! ^^ Here as requested. Sorry about the wait.

The second I take it away, he might think that I was moving it away from him.

The entire first paragraph is written in past-tense, but here you switch to present. Normally it's best to stick to one, ya?

It’s like a rule.

I like this line; very funny. However, you need commas around 'like'.

Then why am I always the one putting myself out on a limb?

Because I want him to tell me it’s okay. I want him to say he feels the same way.

I sighed.

He glanced over at me. Oh, shit. That was too loud. I’m so obvious.

Aright, so, here you switch between tense again. Those first two sentences are present, and the last two are past. Personally, I think you'd be better of switching the entire passage to present and staying consistant with it; it would be easier for you to weave in and out of thoughts, and would make the whole scene flow a bit more naturally. But it's your choice. Just remember that, if you do keep it past, all of his present-tense thoughts need to either be changed into past-tense or put in italics. Make sense?

Alex’s hand slowly reached for the popcorn, and he ate it piece by piece, still peeking at me. He wiped his hand off on his jeans when the popcorn was gone.

For Alex to still be peeking at your MC, he had to begin peeking in the first place. You haven't mentioned anywhere above that Alex was looking at the narrator at all. So either add something about Alex looking at your MC from the corner of his eye before here, or take out the phrase I bolded.

But he didn’t lean in to kiss, he leaned in to whisper.

That comma should be a semi-colon.

Okay! So, that was well-written. It had a pretty interesting couple you had set up, and you worked about the whole 'gay' thing very subtley, without going out and actually saying either character was gay. However, I really didn't connect with the piece. Let me try to explain why.

I don't think you described the scene enough, first of all. If your MC is half as excited, nervous, and hyper-aware of ALex as you portray him to be, he would be on an adrenaline high, taking note of everything around him, especially Alex. I don't think you're focusing on Alex enough; really, most of this story is MC thinking about how he wants Alex to hold his hand, and debating with himself over whether he should just make the first move. This is all well and good, but your MC needs to be paying even more attention to Alex himself. How does Alex's shirt smell? Why, really, does MC like Alex in the first place? You mention a sexy smile, and a masculine jawline, but surely there's something there besides physical attraction? Also, what about the theater? I really wanted to know, throughout the whole time I was reading it, what movie they were seeing. Not a title, and not a plot-- just, in the background of the scene, describe your MC hearing the fire of cannons (war/action movie) the soft, sdeuctive music (romance) or the chatter and babble of a various assortment of characters. Describe the audience around the two of them laughing (comdey) or a girl in front of him sobbing (tragedy). In other words? Describe some more.

You did insert a lot of MC's thoughts, but not quite enough emotion, methinks. Show, don't tell. I'm sure you've heard that before? Mainly, instead of telling us that your MC feels this, thinks that, show us; tell us about his face reddening, squirming in his seat, spilling popcorn all over himself, missing the straw whe he went for the soda. Manifest his embarressment in something other than thoughts. Show us the effects of all this emotion, and then, add more of it. He's afraid of rejection, surely? You can explore that topic. Try to explore more aspects of your character's thoughts, and he'll become more and more real.

So! Good job with this; it just needs to be expanded a bit, mainly with description and background info. Good luck!

~Evi

Hey, Kalia Maria! Here (finally) as requested.
I'm so, so sorry that this took me so long to review. I was on vacation for a week (away from YWS!) and forgot to close my Will Review For Food thread. So, don't worry, I wasn't ignoring your request, I simply didn't know it was there!
Onto the promised review!

I watched the movie, but none of it registered. It felt like my hand had been resting so close to Alex’s for so long that I wanted to scream. It rested on my knee, fingers curled up like a dying spider. But it was more inviting that way, right? My fingers were out there, ready to be held. They felt sort of sweaty, but I didn’t move in case it made Alex lose his nerve. The second I take it away, he might think that I was moving it away from him.

One word: Tense.
You begin this paragraph speaking in past tense, but then you move onto present tense. Always keep your tenses consistent! How on Earth is your story not only happening right now, but in the past?
I agree with Evi. Normally, I find present tense awkward and annoying, but I think you should make this story solely present tense. You can flit in and out of your MC's thoughts, and it makes this story even sweeter.

Other then that, Evin took all the nitpicks out of my mouth...

Listen very carefully to what Evi had to say about showing emotion and setting the stage of the story.

Hope this helped,
Sakura

Wow, very good. Hee hee, cute as heck. Although there were those tiny mistakes that made my eye twitch; I can see that they were already brought up; so; I can only say that I really like this and that I hope for more.

Yours,
Neko

Okay, I'm a little frustrated because I just wrote you a fantastic review and it didn't take. So I will try to do it again. Wow, a lot of people have reviewed this already! Anyways...Kaila, this was really cute! I love that we get to experience the boy's thought process as he tries to figure out what is going on. I like that you put the hand-on-knee trick in there. I tried that once, but it didn't work (you know why). All the nit picky stuff has been brought up so I won't mention them again. This was a really cute idea, as always. Nice job!