True Intentions

A/N I'm warning you guys, this isn't that good...It was supposed to be a horror story...But I can't make stuff scary, so now it's just other XD. And, I'm only posting this because someone **coughJUNEcough** forced me to...Anywayz, title suggestions are welcome!

“Ali, are you sure that we can be out this late?” he murmured.

“Oh, it’s no problem with me! It’s a beautiful night, with the moon shining down on us…Unless, you’re…afraid?” Ali replied with a smirk.

She always knew the perfect way to entrance them.

I drove them to her simple cottage in the woods, away from the noise and safety of the city. Casually, the three of us walked up to her house, as I unlocked it.

She and Brett curled up on the sofa together. Meanwhile, I sat on the wooden chair, feeling like the audience in a theater, waiting for the movie to unfold.

With another flip of her perfect flaming locks, I knew he’d be in her grasp. Another fly entrenched in her spider web of lies and deceit. She leaned forward, her cherry red lips whispering sweet nothings, yet capturing his innocent brown eyes. Another few seconds, and he’d be thoroughly brainwashed.

“Iris!” she snapped, breaking me out of my trance-like state.

“Huh?” I replied in a bemused tone.

“Honey, don’t you want to meet my new friend?” she simpered, winding her hands tightly around his shoulders.

Friends? How long will that last?

“I’d love to!” I exclaimed, with a fake smile plastered on my face.

“Iris, this is Brett.”

“Nice to meet you, dear,” I said, in what I hoped was an enthusiastic manner.

He murmured something that sounded like a “hi”, his eyes never leaving her face.

I felt a pang of sympathy, knowing the pain that awaited him.

For, I knew that he was just a pawn, and she was the one controlling the chessboard.

Ali stared at him as she mouthed I love you, then gasped at her own revelation.

She always was a good actress.

“I can’t take this anymore! Iris, can I use your cell? I need to break up with Aaron. Now!” she said in a strained voice.

“Of course, Ali,” I murmured sympathetically, tossing her my cell.

But, Brett, poor Brett, simply stared, eyes wide open in shock. His eyes were shining with hope and showed his amazement at the idea that beautiful Ali would like him.

Can’t I just spare him the pain? Can’t I tell him that she was cheating him just like she had cheated so many other guys? Can’t I show him my best friend’s true colors?

Ali hung up the phone, her eyes wide with shock. She gasped, “Oh, Brett! He is so angry! He insists that he is going to kill me!”

Brett, eager to prove his manliness, instantly wrapped his arm protectively around Ali. “Ali, dear, I’ll protect you! I would never let any man touch you, my love,” he yelled.

The irony of it made me laugh mirthlessly. The puppet trying desperately to help the puppeteer.

She swooned into his arms, saying, “I know I can trust you.”

Brett seemed shocked as he placed the unconscious Ali onto the couch, just as Aaron stormed in. Covered with blood and emanating the smell of alcohol, he was a perfect picture.

I couldn’t stand it. Not now, and not ever. I left the room, knowing what would happen next, having the script memorized.

In exactly sixteen minutes, Ali and Aaron walked out hand-in-hand, Brett did not.

“Come on, Iris, we’ve got work to do. And, next time, you’re staying,” Ali commanded harshly. We left and headed off to the forest as the clock struck midnight.

In the morning, Brett’s parents called the cops. He had never come home after his date at the movie theater.
The cops searched for a few days before declaring him missing. In exactly two weeks an anonymous letter was sent to them, with a picture of Brett’s body. It proclaimed:
Don’t worry. He died happy.

Hiya, darling! Ooh, you entered? Luckily, I was not forced.


Grammar:

She leaned forward, her cherry red lips whispering sweet nothings, yet capturing his innocent brown eyes. Another few seconds, and he’d be thoroughly brainwashed.

“Iris, this is Brett[s],[/s].”

“Of course, Ali,” I murmured sympathetically, tossing her my cell.

“Ali, dear, I’ll protect you! I would never let any man touch you, my love,” he yelled.

She swooned into his arms, saying, “I know I can trust you.”

“Come on, Iris, we’ve got work to do. And, next time, you’re staying,” Ali commanded harshly. We left and headed off to the forest[s],[/s] as the clock struck midnight.

In exactly two weeks, an anonymous letter was sent to them, with a picture of Brett’s body. It proclaimed:
Don’t worry. He died happy.
The ending! Oh! Oh, dear.

Language Usage: I thought it was pretty well written. It was mature and sophisticated enough, but not over-the-top. Well done.


Imagery & Emotion: I felt this was one of your lacking areas. While you did include some, you didn't give the reader enough for my liking.
Imagery: I want just a tad more of this, darling. Describe more of where they are, things like that.
Emotion: Try to capture more of the guilt the narrator is going through.


Plot: It was a nice storyline. Just one question: Why do they do this? It doesn't necessarily have to be explained. Sometimes, it's a good thing to omit things like that. I'm just wondering: Are the serial killers? Are they vampires? What? Haha. Excuse the theory of the vampires, it just popped in my head when you mentioned blood.


Overall, I liked it! It wasn't necessarily dead-on scary, but the thoughts it gave you after you read the story, now that was something that scared me!

Love,
Music

Yay! I'm entering the contest, too. The more the merrier, I say! You don't have to review anything in return, love. ^^ Thanks for using my thread.

I see that Music took care of all your little grammatical issues; lovely, because I'm afriad I lack the patience to do so. Make sure not to leave out those little commas. Having a nice, dramatic pause (even if only for a half of a second) can really help your piece's flow.

I also think that Music's points were right on, as well. I'll elaborate, though.

Description

Okay, so. We're supposed to be scaring the heck out of Cat and June. Now, I'm going to be honest with you-- I wasn't really horrofied, love. At all. Now, I don't think my entry was that frightening either; however, there are things you can do to create the illusion that your writing is scarier than it really is. It's called being a criminal mastermind.

Just kidding, actually. ^^ One thing that's really going to heighten the scare-factor in your story, though, is description, which we really need much more of. I can hardly imagine anything at the moment. Actually! No! There was one line that I positively ADORED, Flute. Let me find it...

Aha!

her cherry red lips whispering sweet nothings

Sure, 'nothings' technically isn't a real word, but who cares! This line was fantastic. It gave exactly the image you needed to give, and it gave it in an innovative and interesting way. I can see her seductively leaning in, spinning promises from air. It was wonderful. This is exactly what you need more of. Find a way to take those moments of action and personality and bring them alive by adding description. Explain how the house creaks with every step, how Iris can see Ali's eyes darkening as Brett's melt. Show us, the way you showed that line. Because, we need to see.

Now, to make this properly scary, you'll need to describe it that way. You can turn innocent things into something quite menacing, if you find the right tone to describe it with. For example, the light breeze can turn into a murmur of whispers, of warnings coming from somewhere beyond, of voices increasing in volume and haste as they try to prevent the inevitable. The night sky can be void of stars, left only a blank slate of darkness into which Brett will soon disappear into. You hint towards Brett's demise the entire story, but I think you can be even more obvious with it; you don't have to say, 'she's going to kill him', but you can sure as heck say a lot of other things that insinuate the same thing. Oh, and feel free to use any of the examples I give you. ^^

Ya?

Emotion

Namely, I want more. Like Music said, this Iris needs to be properly guilty of the part she's playing in the death of an innocent. If you don't want her to be guilty, then you need to explain why she isn't; does she think Brett's ignorance makes him deserving of his fate? Why doesn't she step in and stop this muder? Is she afriad of Ali? If so, you simply must tell us that, and then you have to make Ali seem frightening. I think Ali needs to be more frightening anyway; right now she's like a little black kitty playing at being a monster. Thing is, we need her to become the monster, complete with fangs and claws. We need to fear this heartless red-head who kills without second thought. Right now, we don't fear her. Change that.

How? Through Iris's perception of her. Using 1st person allows you to warp reality to cater with your character's pereption of the events going around her, so go with that. Let Iris's imagination run wild.

Plot Holes

there are simply too many, m'dear. The biggest one is why on earth Ali is doing this in the first place. While you don't necessarily have to spell it out for us, you need to hint towards her motives. If she's a vampire or whatever, have Iris mention that Ali was getting dangerously thirsty. If she's a serial killer, mention something about the thrill Ali finds from her attacks, or how Iris doesn't think it's fair that she spontaneously decides to kill a random stranger. Somehow, enlighten us as to your characters' intentions, otherwise we're left confused and unsatisfied.

Also, like I said before, why is Iris going along with it? You have to give us a reason. She's uncomfortable, and that's definately understandable; so why doesn't she stop this?

And lastly, the killing itself isn't clear or frightening enough, I'm afriad. While the concept is rather chilling, you don't really draw it out or execute it so that we're actually scared. To frighten us, you have to take the situation (in this case, a murder) outside of your story so that it somehow can apply to us. This means describing the screams, the manic glint in Ali's eyes, the way the moon mourns the life of an innocent. When Iris leaves the room, mention her trying to block the strangled noises coming from the other room. Mention how the images of Brett, lying lifeless on the floor, are haunting her throughout the wait. Tell us!

Hope I helped, and good job with this! It just needs some beefing up. You have written the frame very well, but for the effect to truly come across, try dragging it out more.

~Evi

Hey =]

I'm here as promised!

So...Music and Evi seemed to have pointed out nearly everything, so there isn't actually much I can say without repeating their words of advice. I suppose I could back them up though...

It was a good story, but I agree that it needs filling out.

I drove them to her simple cottage in the woods, away from the noise and safety of the city. Casually, the three of us walked up to her house, as I unlocked it.

She and Brett curled up on the sofa together. Meanwhile, I sat on the wooden chair, feeling like the audience in a theater, waiting for the movie to unfold. - Here, there isn't really much of a transistion between the two scenes. You could maybe describe the journey into the house. This way, you can also add in how the house looks. Was it dark - the only light being cast from the open doorway? Was it eerily quiet - the only sounds being the clicking of Ali's heels on the wooden floor? - Just suggestions

“Huh?” I replied in a bemused tone. - At this point, we don't actually know where Iris is. Is she sitting in the bay window - watching them out of the corner of her eye? Or is she leaning against the door frame? - At the moment she just seems to be, well, hoovering in the room.

Now!” she said in a strained voice. - The 's' should be capitalized.

But, Brett, poor Brett, simply stared, eyes wide open in shock. His eyes were shining with hope and showed his amazement at the idea that beautiful Ali would like him. - You mention his eyes twice here. You could either change the first part to show something else about his expression - his open mouth or raised eyebrows, or, change the first part of the second sentence to 'They were shining with hope...' Whichever you prefer. Or you can totally ignore me - it's only a suggestion

“Ali, dear, I’ll protect you! I would never let any man touch you, my love,” he yelled. - I know that he's shouting this, but I don't think 'yelled' sounds right. I just don't think the 'my love' bit would sound right yelled. Maybe he 'reassured her in a strong voice' or something instead.

The puppet trying desperately to help the puppeteer. - I loved this bit

Brett seemed shocked as he placed the unconscious Ali onto the couch, just as Aaron stormed in. Covered with blood and emanating the smell of alcohol, he was a perfect picture. - The bit from the phone call to Aaron, to this bit here, seems a bit rushed. It's almost like Aaron was just outside waiting for his cue. If he was then forget my comment - though if that is the case then you should add that in. Maybe add in a little more before the above bolded lines too.

The cops searched for a few days before declaring him missing. In exactly two weeks an anonymous letter was sent to them, with a picture of Brett’s body. It proclaimed:
Don’t worry. He died happy. - Creepy ending!

Overall;

I think you have a great idea for a story here and like Evi said, all you need to do is fill it out a bit more.
Descriptions and tid bits of emotions will add to the creepiness of the story.

I hope this has been of some help to you and good luck in the contest!

xDudettex

What do you meaaaan this isn't very good?! I certainly liked it. =]

I'm very curious. What were they?? Ordinary homicidal maniacs?? Or something more supernatural..? Either way I found it very interesting and creepy. Held my attention the entire time.

Good Job.

Ced x

Twin, dear, I know this is horridly overdue, but hopefully you'll remember these tips for future reference.

Grammar was amazing, and no spelling flukes.
Flow: I do feel that you paced it too quickly. It took me five minutes to read, and honestly, I'm not left wanting more. Short stories are tricky, for the length must be just right. Elongate it, dear. Drag out the suspense. You must leave the reader already writing the sequel in his or her head.

Characterization: If Iris (gee, wonder where you got that name from) disapproves of Ali's actions, why does she not simply break free from the friendship? This seems silly to me, remaining in a relationship with someone so awful. What, can she not stand up for herself? Brett, I don't like. He sounds... Well, he sounds like an over-exaggerated Edward Cullen. I mean, "I would never let any man touch you, my love!" ??? I'm sorry, but he sounds dumb. Jock-ish. Good characterization with Ali, but I feel that you could have played up her (excuse me for using this untactful phrase) sex appeal. I know when you're not one of those types of girls, it's hard to imagine how they would behave. But there's simple things. Have her run her fingertips across his arms and chest. Have her play with his hair. Have her giggle and bat her eyelashes. And last but not least, Aaron. Personally, I feel like he's a flat character. He's the boyfriend. So what?

Stuff I couldn't find a category for: I like how you incorporated Iris's thoughts into the story. If not for the italics, I would have thought that they were lines, and not thoughts. Make sense? And I also love how you made Ali red. Red hair, red lips. Red = blood = horror = creepy-crawly-feeling. Nice symbolism.

Um.... Overall, good job. Congrats on winning second place. And also, excuse my odd way of talking for most of this review. I just finished up writing (for now) Zeph's story, and I haven't yet gotten out of her mentality. And! Please excuse the suckishness of my reviews, which seem horridly feeble compared to Evi's and music's, but at least let me hope I helped some.

Pokeflute! *hugs*

Sorry this took so long. I know, I suck.
Before I begin, let me say that I very much enjoyed this. Now, I am a huge horror fan. Huge. Horror has always been my inspiration, regardless of what I'm writing. For me, a key element of horror is mysteriousness. This story certainly is mysterious.
I am being completely honest when I say that with just a bit of tweaking this story can reach its full potential.

Having said that, I'm going to thoroughly shred this. And I'm going to smack you in the head with a wet fish for leaving this as "Untitled". >_>

So, get ready - I'm going into evil Instructor mode. Brace yourself!

“Oh, it’s no problem with me! It’s a beautiful night, with the moon shining down on us…Unless, you’re…afraid?” Ali replied with a smirk.

Don't forget to press that space bar after ellipses:
Unless, you're... afraid?

I drove them to her simple cottage in the woods, away from the noise and safety of the city.

Your word choice here does not make much sense. Instead of throwing in 'simple', why not say 'secluded?'
You go on to describe how the cottage is out of the way, but not how it is 'simple'. Therefore, it is void.

Casually, the three of us walked up to her house, as I unlocked it.

Nix the coma after 'house'. Unnatural pause.

Another fly entrenched in her spider web of lies and deceit. She leaned forward, her cherry red lips whispering sweet nothings, yet capturing his innocent brown eyes. Another few seconds, and he’d be thoroughly brainwashed.

Love the use of descriptions/metaphors here. Very good job. I also love the "cherry red lips whispering sweet nothings." That was a fantastic use of description.
(And yep, Evi, 'sweet nothings' is a term!) ^^

“I’d love to!” I exclaimed, with a fake smile plastered on my face.

Nix 'with' and replace the coma with a semi-colon.
"I'd love to!" I exclaimed; a fake smile plastered on my face.

For, I knew that he was just a pawn, and she was the one controlling the chessboard.

Nice metaphor. However, nix the coma after 'for'.

Ali stared at him as she mouthed I love you, then gasped at her own revelation.

No italics needed - just use quotes:
"I love you",

But, Brett, poor Brett, simply stared, eyes wide open in shock. His eyes were shining with hope and showed his amazement at the idea that beautiful Ali would like him.

Nope. These two sentences don't work. Why? Because you describe the emotion in his eyes two different ways.
1. His eyes were wide open with shock.
2. His eyes were shining with hope and amazement.

Simple solution: pick one, ditch/alter the other. For instance, say "his mouth was agape in shock," then go on to describe the amazement in his eyes.

Can’t I just spare him the pain? Can’t I tell him that she was cheating him just like she had cheated so many other guys? Can’t I show him my best friend’s true colors?

Well? Can she?
You never fully give a reason as to why she cannot, but that really doesn't bother me. Scratch that - it wouldn't have bothered me at all if you hadn't included this line. However, because you have brought to my attention that she is somehow restrained from revealing the true intentions (haha... cool title XD) of her best friend, I now want to know why.

You would be saved much need for explanation if you ditched these strands of thoughts. Of course, you may keep them, but please be aware that they neither aid nor benefit the plot in this story.

Ali hung up the phone, her eyes wide with shock. She gasped, “Oh, Brett! He is so angry! He insists that he is going to kill me!”

Brett, eager to prove his manliness, instantly wrapped his arm protectively around Ali. “Ali, dear, I’ll protect you! I would never let any man touch you, my love,” he yelled.

Cheesy dialogue much? XD
I'm sure that's the effect you were going for, since Ali was just acting. Brett, however, needs to sound more like a teenager - not an Edward Cullen. A lovesick teenager, yes, but more realistic; remember, he's not the one putting on an act.

Also, the colloquialism of 'manliness' made me laugh - which is not a good thing. Use a more serious word for a more serious situation; say, 'masculinity', perhaps?

The irony of it made me laugh mirthlessly. The puppet trying desperately to help the puppeteer.

I like this. A lot.

She swooned into his arms, saying, “I know I can trust you.”

Ha! The irony of this made me laugh. Nice job.

Covered with blood and emanating the smell of alcohol, he was a perfect picture.

What blood? Elaborate or eliminate. ^^

He had never come home after his date at the movie theater.

'Had never' is an awkward choice of words. Try:
He hadn't come home after his date at the movie theater.

Don’t worry. He died happy.

Nice ending line.


Whoops. I've gotta run. (World History - she calls.)
As soon as I've finished my lessons, I'll finish this review.


Arrivederci,
Pop

^^ Happy, Poppity?

Poke, you're so silly. XD
But yes, I am much happier now. My life is now more at ease.

Alright, so to finish this long-awaited review. (I'm really sorry it's taken so long.)

So as far as the killer's motives go, I could personally care less. As I was saying earlier, mystery is a big element in horror, so leaving the audience in the dark a bit (for this genre, anyways) is a-OK in my book. While it would be interesting to know why Ali and Aaron kill ruthlessly, I think the story would lose its scare-factor. In other words, I think that because you left it alone as is, the reader is able to come up with their own horrible ideas as to why Brett had to die. Therefore, the story sounds to me more like a psychological thriller-type story.
Basically, your story is just generally creepy. Who in their right mind simply goes around wooing young men just to brutally murder them? I sort of like how there's no reason behind it - how it just happens. (Although, I do hope this isn't a vampire story - if it is, don't tell me.) XD
Vampires are "supposed" to be scary, but most people don't think of humans that way; when they're exposed as horrible creatures, it's all the more frightening. Sort of a sickening twist on reality - so for me, whether or not that's what you were going for, it worked. Good job. ^_^

However, because we're on the subject of mystery and audience conclusion, I do have to say that Iris' position was rather awkwardly placed in this story. I understand that you wanted a stable-minded narrator to add to the story (i.e., the way she knew the death would be in exactly sixteen minutes, etc.) to show how methodically Ali and Aaron kill, but I think that Iris' placement was a bit of a step backwards clarity-wise.
For one, you don't give a reason as to why she stays with the two. Now, I'm just assuming, but to me it seems like perhaps she witnessed another killing of Ali's and the two murderers are threatening to get rid of Iris as well if she talks. That's probably wrong, but based on the information in the story (Iris' uncomfortableness with Brett's death) that's what I concluded. Unlike the motives behind the killer's actions, this is something that I shouldn't have to guess on my own.
It takes away from the "spookiness" of this because it makes me think too much (if that makes any sense). While I should be thinking about the murder and the killers, I'm too busy thinking about why Iris doesn't try to save Brett. This has nothing to do with the horror aspect of this story, right?

Basically, all of that ranting was just an explanation of what is OK to leave vague and what is not in a story. By leaving out some key information you can:
A - Add to the element of your story, be it horror, mystery, etc.
B - Completely distract from the original intent of your story.

Other than information issues, this was a well-written little piece. Just keep this in mind for future reference - you don't want to confuse your audience when you can keep them on their toes.
I think I'll give this a gold star, because I very much enjoyed reviewing this.


Pop

I must say I REALLY like this story even though it's not what it was supposed to be. It's more of a thriller and some of the characters remind me of a few of my own XD. OK OK back to topic I have a few suggestions i hope you can find some of them useful .

If you really want it to be scary maybe a change of perspective would do it. If the story was told from Brett's point of view it would be a lot scarier and less like a thriller. If you do this you can always have Brett looking down on things after his death to show the last part of the story with the photograph being sent back to his family.

If you don't want to do this that's cool to because the story is a good story as it is, but it just isn't scary it's more creepy than anything. I looked over your story and the only thing I have a suggestion for is this line.

She always knew the perfect way to entrance them.

After reading the whole story I understand it, but in the beginning when it's said it is confusing. The word 'them' is a bit open-ended in the beginning because it doesn't specify who 'them' is which makes it confusing. You could change the word 'them' to men which would make it less confusing or add another sentence after it explaining who 'them' is.

I hope some of this has helped.