house 4

Okay, here is one of the shorter chapters, but it has a lot in it!

Hope you injoy!!
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Lance

Being rushed to the hospitalshould be nothing new to me. It has been happening for the past five years, ever since Alice, my sister, has had lung cancer. It's not really something you get use to though.

"Drive faster!" my mom yelled from the back seat.


I tried to get to the hospital faster, I really did, but you can't fight with fate. It was fate that made the car crash happen ten feet in front of us, at the exit. It was fate that we made it to the hospital just in time to see her take a seat. It was fate that there was an empty seat right beside her, but it was reality that brought me back.

It's reality when you have a sister that needs you. It's reality when you have a sister you need.

Oh, dear! Very short! And I haven't read any of your other chapters. Oh, well; might as well start now!


Grammar:

Lance
Bold this.

Being rushed to the hospital should be nothing new to me.
Tiny mistake in that spacing!

It has been happening for the past five years[s],[/s]; ever since Alice, my sister, has had lung cancer. It's not really something you get used to, though.

"Drive faster!" my mom yelled from the back seat.
Just a tiny suggestion. In the beginning, you said, "being rushed to the hospital", when, in fact, he is not the one "being rushed", for he is driving. Consider changing Being rushed to the hospital to Rushing to the hospital.

I tried to get to the hospital faster[s],[/s]; I really did, but you can't fight with fate. It was fate that made the car crash happen ten feet in front of us[s],[/s] at the exit. It was fate that we made it to the hospital just in time to see her take a seat. It was fate that there was an empty seat right beside her, but it was reality that brought me back.

It's reality when you have a sister that needs you. It's reality when you have a sister you need.
Wonderful closing line.

Language Usage: I thought you could make the language a bit more mature. Lance, being needed by his sister, would be a mature character, and therefore, when he narrates the story, it should be written in a sophisticated manner. (Usually.) You did well for the most part on this.


Characters: You really only get to see Lance's character. As I noted, he seems a very mature person, but one who needs to depend on others, as well. I'd like to see more of the bond and need between Lance and Alice.


Imagery & Emotion: It was okay. I wanted more, though.

Emotion. I wanted to hear the desperation in his mother's order. I wanted to know and feel the disappointment that he didn't reach the hospital earlier, but the relief that they made it in time.

As for imagery, you could do better. This would lengthen the story. Describe what he sees while attempting to rush past other cars on the highway. What's the wreck look like? There's a certain sort of "air", if you will, in a hospital- the patients in smocks, loved ones looking worried, the beeping of machines. I want to be able to experience that with the narrator.

Plot: It intrigued me, but what really hooked me was your last line. I shall go take a look at your other chapters to look more into this. Is this the fourth chapter? It seems a bit preface-ish to me, but perhaps that's because I haven't read the other chapters.

Keep it up, my darling!

Love,
Music