February
I think it was the February of the junior year, when I returned from my German Exchange Program that I laid my eyes on him. No...I don’t think, I know, how could I forget? My life changed dramatically in that month. I did not realize it from the start, though. At first I just liked him...for being funny and smart and outrageously handsome and and and...well, until I realized this crush had gone on too long.
I could hardly control my thoughts anymore, all I thought of was him. My friends noticed that all I recounted from my school days to them were the details of what he said, what comments he made about me, how he looked and how much I liked him. After a few ridiculous months of denial, I think it would be fair to call it love.
I realized it when during the summer I started crying when I heard his name, “Derek” mentioned by people passing by in a street. I knew I missed him so much every part of me was aching. I had never longed for school this much, never wanted to see someone so unrelated to me so much. Unrelated because, I never made my feelings known to him, and to him I was no more than just another classmate.
The senior year started with a kiss in the school yard, a kiss on the cheek that is...he greeted me coldly just like any other classmate but my heart fluttered so loudly that I thought I heard the birds let out a jealous chirp. That year I remember as a series of painful events. He became so popular and wanted among girls, so desired by such “stars” of our class that it was impossible not to feel jealous. Yet I stayed calm and never let my feelings show, partly it was due to his newfound glory...I’d never felt this insecure before. Girls came for me for advice, whining about how he disregarded them and spilling gossip on the latest flirting attempt.
I knew it was all just a game to him. He always made that very clear. He never chose between those girls, I always felt he needed a tad bit more than a pretty girl. Maybe because he was more than just a handsome guy; so much more than that.
My favorite class during the senior year was the interdisciplinary course of philosophy, it was immensely interesting and also it was the only class where we met. His ideas were always deep and thoughtful but not boring. They were convincing, but we agreed on nothing. We would always fight during the discussions, and though sometimes the fight may have ended earlier, I deliberately prolonged it. It was the only time we interacted and the only chance for me to dig in his head. What I found was sadly much more mysterious than before and needless to say my senior year had “Derek” written all over it. I made him sound divine didn’t I? Well, he is...at least for me. Even his flaws which include...things I can’t quite recall right now, were not enough to discourage me.
I would steal looks at him in class and marvel at his perfect features, his deeply set dark eyes and a straight nose...his strong jaw and flawless (this time really) body. His crooked smile was the best part about his looks though.
The rest of the senior year was basically the same as the last year and a half...me daydreaming about him and plotting to find ways of meeting him, after the graduation. Some of the plots were outrageous, while some were fairly realistic...wait no, they were all the product of teen romance fiction books and movies with happy ends.
Long story short, I loved a guy for exactly a year and three months without him having the slightest idea. Eventually I realized how pathetic that was, on my prom night. I was dressed in a short red dress with a low v-cut on my front as well as my back, with a black waist-cinching belt and peep-toe pumps. In one word I looked fabulous, just for one person in the room of course.
As I entered the room greeted by dozens of just as made up squealing girls and welcoming boys, there was just one face I looked for. As I saw him I knew my face would get as red as my dress, only it would not just look like fire, it would feel as hot too. I hoped people would blame it on the excitement and greeted Derek, another words that divine creature in a suit, as calmly as I managed.
That night I had made up my mind...no matter what, I would let him know. So out of nervousness I took up drinking, just like everyone else in the room. Shot after shot, thinking about how to stick to my decision. I danced the tenseness away...or at least I tried, danced with all I had to forget what social suicide I was about to commit.
He seemed pretty out of it as well, as far as I could tell. Somehow, I thought this was perfect! So I took my coat and my bag and asked him to escort me outside. He was always a gentleman so it was not a surprise to him that I wanted to be taken out. So he followed slightly having problems with balancing and opened the door for me.
As we waited for the taxi to come along I said: “You know, I have to say something to you...” I could not help smiling at his genuinely surprised face...he was cute drunk. “Um, I love you”, it looked like he gasped for air; I did not know whether he wanted to say something back or whether he was just taken aback. “Not like those other girls though, who had a crush for you, rather the external you, for a few months. I have loved you for over a year now, you’re all I think of and... I honestly hope you are too drunk to remember this tomorrow, but I feel relieved...I have to go.”
I realized the amount of fidgeting I had done in the last few seconds totaled to more than my whole life’s amount and that my cheeks were burning so I turned as sharply as I could on my tower high heels and ducking my head stormed off. “How stupid, stupid I am!” was all I could think, “at least now I will have a chance to un-love him! When he goes back and amuses everyone with my lovely little speech, maybe then I’ll hate him!” as I ruined by pretty coat sleeves with stains of mascara. Weirdly, I did feel relieved though. As if I had taken off this huge load off of my chest...as if I had come clean.
I could think of it no more, especially the future, so I let my defense mechanisms in the brain activate and let it shut off completely. Got home, answered mom’s questions in a zombie-like manner and literally crashed on my bed with my dress on.
In the morning of course, I had a huge headache and a very, very dry mouth. I did not know professing love had a hangover too, or maybe it was just the alcohol. I hardly believed what I did yesterday...so much boldness.
I mean I am bold and outspoken, just not in cases of love and guys. I truly hoped he did not remember...until I looked at my phone. It was a text message from Derek, saying the time and the place. In just an hour! Exactly how much had I slept!?
I showered and got dressed in a hurry hardly eating breakfast. I had mixed emotions on seeing him. I was anxious, nervous, and excited all at the same time. He was there of course, with a coffee in front of him.
“Hi” he said smiling...the smile looked suspiciously encouraging.
“Hey” said I, sounding just as suspicious as I felt.
“I’ll just get it over with, a little like you yesterday...what you said to me was...true?”
“Why are you asking that?” Getting impatient.
“Because it matters to me. Because I feel like we should have had a chance, I feel like you should have given me a choice and well...given me and you a chance. Before high school was over, before we had just a few weeks to go thousands of miles away from home...”
“I will not stand this anymore!...how can you ridicule me so much? Are you actually trying to make me believe you feel the same way? What is this, like a big prank? When I told you what I told you last night I did really mean it! But not because I demand the same answer from you, or because I am making you feel bad. Quite frankly I am not even sure why I did it...I just see now it was a big mistake...”
“I am not saying I feel the same. That would be a lie. But I do want to say that I like you and value you and think we deserve a shot...”
“W-what?” I asked shocked.
“Well, I mean unless you are against it...”
“Against what?”
“I’d like to have a chance to get to know you better. I know it sounds silly, we’ve been classmates for almost three years now but I want to spend some more time with you...come, let’s take a walk...just a second.”
He called the waiter and paid for the two coffees on our table, which I forgot to mention. He smiled shyly and led me outside, how could I resist him? The day was pleasantly warm and there weren’t many people in the streets. We walked for a while our shoulders lightly brushing from time to time; both of us smiled but said nothing. I do not quite remember how, but I guess one of us felt the necessity to fill the silence so we wound up talking about banal subjects like favorite movies and books. I told him I only watched and read things with happy endings...
“Like this one?” He asked smiling, I understood the hint.
“You think this story has already ended?” I asked playing along.
He looked thoughtful, “No” his answer was simple and felt honest.
After all this chitchat we had finally arrived to a park. We automatically drifted to the same bench that was under a beautiful, old tree. I could smell its leaves once we sat down.
He looked distracted as if he were trying to decide something and then abruptly put his arm around me. I tensed, I’m sure he could feel that. I don’t know why, but I felt a threat. I was never good at trusting people and a part of my mind was thinking he just wanted to play around with me and my emotions, just like he had done with the other girls who liked him...I knew I should be careful not to let my imagination run wild. It was just an arm, I reminded myself. Because I knew I was capable of turning tiniest of his gestures in elephant sized hints.
“If it’s not okay just tell me. I did not think you would be against it...I mean, you kind of did say some things last night...”
“That I meant. But it doesn’t mean I trust you though, not yet.”
“And what can I do to earn that?”
I shrugged.
“Time is the only thing that can really bring trust in a relationship and I have to remind you, you’re the one that deprived us of time...” Said he half-jokingly.
I am not sure if he said much after that. That thing about me trying to control my imagination? Forget it! It was the first time he had mentioned “us”! Things might have been going a little fast but I did not care, I felt happy...happier than ever.
We spent the rest of the day...wait, the rest of our first date, talking and talking about our interests, our thoughts, everything but our future. Both of us were careful to avoid the painful (at least for me) thought that in just a few weeks we’d be off to colleges...on two different continents.
He walked me home that night, taking but a hug for goodbye. He promised to call in the morning; we had already made plans for the next day. I smiled sheepishly, I’m sure I glowed like the brightest star in the sky. Finally I made myself turn around and go home. Without saying a word I skipped to the bedroom and slept with a smile on my face that night.
The cell-phone ringing woke me up; I knew it had to be him. I got up and felt a huge pang in my head. I felt dizzy as I got up I realized I had my prom dress still on. I looked at the phone and it said I had seven new messages, all from my friends. Tears rolled down my eyes.
