Always by your side

You walk over with a forced smile,
I wrap my arms around you
seeing your teary face;
that bitch broke your heart.

I just want to hold you tight,
and never let you go.
I just want to keep you safe.

'Cause it pains me to see your face
the way it is right now;
so hopeless and distressed,
all day so depressed.

So bad I want to hurt someone,
It's a need like food, drink and energy.
I'm stunned at what he did to you,
My heart feels heavy and my eyes aren't dry.

So please remember I'm always here,
and I'll always love and care for you.
And if you want to fight;
I'll be right there by your side.

Woot! First review.
Okay, here goes.


Over All
I liked it a lot, but the repeating stanza in the middle threw me off the first time that I read it. Once I went back and reread where you used it before in the piece. (just mentioning it, because it interrupts the flow a little)
Another little flow crusher that I noticed was the stanza about a mother bear and her cubs; like i said, it crushes the flow a little, and makes the poem all that more difficult to read.
Other than that it flowed nicely and i can't find any major issues.
I'm getting a little nit-picky because I thought it was really good, but I want it to be perfect.


Nit-Picks

You walk over with a forced smile,
I wrap my arms around you
seeing your teary face;
that bitch broke your heart.

There's nothing wrong with the start, I just put it there to tell you that I liked it.

And I just want to hold you tight,
and never let you go.
I just want to keep you safe.

I don't know what exactly, but in this stanza, there's just something that makes me be expecting another line to it.

'Cause it pains me to see your face
the way it is right now;
so distressed and hopeless,
all day so depressed.

The only thing in these lines i think could be improved is in the third line, swiching around 'distressed and hopless' so it reads more like this...
''Cause it pains me to see your face
the way it is right now;
so hopeless and distressed,
all day so depressed'

And I just want to hurt someone,
like a mama bear protecting her cub.
My heart feels heavy and my eyes aren't dry.

Like I mentioned above there's something about not quite right about the phrasing or the word choice in the first two lines here. It comes through loud and clear when you read it; the flow just isn't the same here.

And I just want to hold you tight,
and never let you go.
I just want to keep you safe.

I guess the same thing applies here, as to it's twin up top there. It makes me mentally look around and try and find what you're going to say for the last line in the stanza, and when I realize that that was the last line, it leaves me with a little disrupted flow and a lost rhythm. On the other hand, if you were trying to get that raw little cut there and make the reader want a little more than you gave, great job. You totaly got it, then.

And please remember I'm always here,
and I'll always love and care for you.
And if you want to mutiny;
I'll be right there by your side.

The mutiny just doesn't fit for your ending right; I think that with such a great beginning and body, your piece is begging for a really well thought out and a little more sensical last two lines.



Vwala
I am done!
Again, I really did like it; like I said, I tend to be over picky on the pieces that I like the most.



Peace.Love.Dearie

Hi! Peanut here. Let us review;

Post subject: Boys are whatever, friends are forevor

Uh... you misspelled 'forever'...
watch that.

And I just want to hold you tight,
and never let you go.
I just want to keep you safe.

Don't start a new line or stanza with 'and' or 'but'. Try it more like this;

"I just want to hold you tight,
and never let you go.
I just want to keep you safe."

Toss the 'and' please!

'Cause it pains me to see your face
the way it is right now;
so distressed and hopeless,
all day so depressed.

Why did you say 'Cause? It isn't a huge deal to say Because. 'Cause is not a word.

And I just want to hurt someone,
like a mama bear protecting her cub.
My heart feels heavy and my eyes aren't dry.

And I just want to hold you tight,
and never let you go.
I just want to keep you safe.

And please remember I'm always here,
and I'll always love and care for you.
And if you want to mutiny;
I'll be right there by your side.

*Peanut screams in pain*... You started three whole stanzas in a row with 'and'! Not only is it the 'and', but it is repetitive. Also, you repeated "and I just". These stanzas need some serious work! Try them more like this;

I just want to hurt someone,
like a mama bear, protecting her cub.
My heart feels heavy, and my eyes aren't dry.

(get rid of the whole stanza right here... the repetition is not needed)

So please remember that I am always here,
and I will always love and care fr you.
So if you want to (find another word for mutiny- it doesn't fit);
I will be right here by your side.


Just some changes. Mostly tossing the 'and' at the beginning of each.

Over- all... a good poem. I still don't understand why you chose the title you did... you probably could have thought of much more fitting, natural, and attractive title. Work on it; this piece has much potential.

Sorry if I was harsh or anything... I was just critiquing strongly. Nothing against you
[spoiler]4/10 ... work on it, it will get better![/spoiler]

I like everything in this poem it brings such a powerful message about always being there for your friens which is really sweet ummm.. also this poem shudd b pg13 or PG but over all this poem is great i love the beginning gudd job

You walk over with a forced smile,

I wrap my arms around you

seeing your teary face;

that bitch broke your heart.

that's the same thing i'd for my friends and family and no one messes with my family so i really liked this poem it spoked 2 me thnx for writing it

This is really, well written.
For some reason I was painted the picture that you love your best friend, who's a guy?
Or maybe that's just me, and my life.
I can't nit-pick this, everyone else already did.
Also,..........
Um...
Nope that's about it.

HI.

I thought that this piece was really good.

The rhythm was really good.

There was an easy to follow flow through the piece and was really easy to picture what was happening.

You could have added some more detail or some other length. It seemed really short to me, almost too short.

Besides that I thought it was awesome!

Nice job.

ohh, this is so sweet. I like the pacing of this poem. Just two quick things:

One:Keep the 'Cause. It may not be in the dictionary but it is used in songs, liturature, and speech all the time. And Dr. Seuess did't use "real words".

Two:In this line:
"I'm stunned at what he did to you,"
did you mean to say he or she. I don't care but, i though i'd point it out anyway somtimes people make mistakes like that. If I'm ok with it. (ok isn't a word eather, technically it's okay, but whatever.)

I love the sincerity in this poem. I can tell you actually felt what you wrote.
Good job!

Hey Misfit! June here (I promised I would review something of yours!)


I think this poem is decent. The theme is very common, and often it is written out in this way. I don't like the use of the b-word here; it's seemingly out of place in the poem, although it expresses the narrators hate for that person. Nevertheless, the point of view of this is seemingly coming from a place where that word just shouldn't be used.


I think that adding more detail to this would absolutely be great, dear. It would make this easier to understand where the narrator and the person in pain is coming from. Don't just tell us they had a heartbreak! Give us the scenario and make this something that we want to come back to and read again.

Nice work, misfit!

June