Jeremiah
****Part One****
“Jeremy, I’ve heard you speak of her all day. Please, put it out of mind,” my good friend Jesse pleaded with me.
We started working once Mr. Lamport and the elegant Lizzie Lamport left the factory. The manager didn’t want any of the machines to run wool while they were being taken around. The mill could be a very dangerous place if one didn’t know what they were doing.
“Jesse, you don’t understand our connection. It was so perfect, like something in a storybook.”
Jesse scoffed. “I’ve read those books too. They are filled with handsome princes and happy endings.” Jesse spoke with a hint of an Irish accent. His mother was Irish but his father was French. Unlike most of the pure English fold around town, he was a mutt. “Trust me; I know that feeling all too well.”
My brow creased when his voice lowered. “You have known it?” I asked, unconvinced.
Jesse nodded. “Get back to work and put Lamport’s daughter out of mind. It’ll only bring trouble to your family.”
I nodded to him and looked back at the loom. We were in the closed down room, the one I had met Lizzie in. It was Jesse and my job to build these machines. We had two machines left before we could go home and it was already getting dark. The small window close to the ceiling of the room proclaimed the full moon shining bright onto our work. Our shadows danced on the floor as we moved about the room. The window could never be opened unless one had a very large ladder. Shaking my head, I thought, such a foolish place to put a ladder.
“Why do they build these mills so horribly?” I asked, beginning to think out loud.
“Ventilation is expensive. These penny pinchers would do anything for a filthy buck.” He meant Hopkins, the factory’s manager. He was one of the most meretricious entrepreneurs in the new lands. Henry Hopkins was already planning to take over the Lamport Mill, leaving the Lamport family in ruins. Jesse had overheard him conversing with a few of his friends about the scheme one night while he was working.
Before, I hadn’t cared. I’d be laboring each day just the same as before. However, my feelings had changed the moment Lizzie stepped into the looming room I just so happened to be working. Henry planned to hurt her and her family. Just the thought made my blood boil.
“What’s the matter with ya?” Jesse asked, bringing me back to reality. “You’ve been working on that loom for an hour and haven’t gotten anywhere.”
“Sorry.” I looked down ashamed. “My mind is elsewhere this evening.”
Jesse chuckled. “I know where your mind is, boy. You are overly smitten with this girly only meeting her once.” He shook his head and began to turn a bolt. “Our town’s true Romeo.”
“Who?” I blatantly asked.
“Romeo? Shakespeare?” Jesse glanced at me when I didn’t reply and sighed. “I thought you read fairy tale things.”
I shrugged and began to turn a bolt of my own. “I thought you thought they were foolish,” I said in a low monotone. Jesse and I didn’t speak again until we left for home. The looms were completed and waiting for a loomer.
I, however, didn’t feel as complete. For the first time in my life, I felt an emptiness that was unmistakably yearning for Elizabeth Lamport. Her light brown hair with golden strands up remarkably on her crown. Her light green eyes that saw straight through me each time she worked up the courage to take a look. Allowing truth to esacpe, her soft pink lips were etched into my brain. There was an aura around her that was vibrant and caring.
“It’s Sarah,” Jesse said to me as we walked across the fields. A shortcut through the fields of yellow wildflowers cut time nearly in half.
“Sarah?” I asked, confused.
“Yes, Jeremy. Sarah Hamlin is who I have such feelings for. The fairy tale things,” he reminded me.
“Oh,” I managed to say, my head just as confused. Sarah Hamlin was the prettiest worker at the mill with yellow hair and bright blue eyes. She was seventeen without a man in sight. None of the locals had the courage to even speak to her. Besides being devastatingly shy, her father is overly protective of her. In public, he would never leave her side, eyeing any man who ever takes a good look at his precious daughter. Jesse had always shone a slight fondness for her, but nothing to prove anything close to the feelings of which he described.
“I must tell her soon,” Jesse blurted. “She will marry soon if I don’t. A man will come along bold enough to ask for her hand.” He slowed his pace and began to pull at the tattered strings of his shirt. “She is so beautiful, Jeremy.” A smile grew on his face as he said this.
Overall - I know that I usually put my overall impressions last, but it's needed to explain some of my comments below. I believe that the purpose of this chapter is to help us get into Jeremiah's head a little more right? Then, your main focus should be characterization. However, this seems lost in all the dialogue you throw out there. Like, we can see exactly what he's thinking, but I don't like the way it's presented. Moreover, there was barely any description in the entire chapter. I have absolutely 
. Anywayz, to fix this, I would make him inquire a little more about Jesse. I mean, I get a bad impression of him because Jesse immediately notices his affection for Lizzie, yet he never noticed Jesse's love for Sarah? This just implies that he's a bad friend, which is not a good trait for your MC. So, I would either show in some way that he knows the whole story but he just doesn't know the girl's name. Or, I would make him inquire the moment Jesse brings her up, and pretend that it was a recent obsession. Another thing that annoyed me about the characterization here was that it was very blunt. The MC basically says "I'm obsessed with Lizzie." Come on, dear, there's a subtler way to present that! Maybe say that his thoughts kept wandering, and he couldn't keep track? I liked the way you mentioned that he couldn't concentrate on the loom. Maybe, say that he kept seeing Lizzie's face everywhere he looked? Kept hearing her voice in his thoughts? Then, you could have Jesse say that he wasn't doing the loom at all? Y'know what I mean? Just go for some subtlety instead of blatantly pointing out his love.
The next chapter's review will be up soon! PM me if you have any questions!
