-Inconcessus- Twelve

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All right, I kind of struggled with this chapter :? So please, all help is needed!

Happy Reading!

____________________

CHAPTER TWELVE

Both Nate and Randy badgered me the whole way home. Nate felt that the attention I was giving the human boy was comical. He also found it interesting that he recognized me. After I explained how the human had seen me in the woods the day of his disappearance, Nate sobered and didn’t speak.
Randy, however, was more on the irritated side. He felt that I had spent too much time in the hospital, given too much information away, that I had been careless. I just told him that if he thought he could have done better, he should have done it himself. That shut him up right.
The rest of the time was spent in silence until we reached the cottage. While we ran, I couldn’t get the human boy out of my mind. His name rang in my ears like the steady beat of a drum. I was flustered. It wasn’t uncommon, I supposed, as some vampires say that some humans have special powers over us. This I found even more bothersome. What if this Isaac kid knew what I was? What if he sensed it?
I also couldn’t forget the revelation after a left the hospital, how I hadn’t given it any notice before—his pointed teeth. It was a subtle thing, the tips of them only slightly sharpened, but it was enough to grab my attention afterwards. What human has such pointed teeth? And what human has such soft, velvety hands?
Giving myself a mental shake, I jolted to a stop, refusing Randy when he motioned to follow him inside the cottage. Instead, I took to the trails, taking my time. My breath chilled the surprisingly warm air, and I tucked my hands into the pockets of my sweats, feeling the breeze curl around my arms like an embrace.
I thought again of the stories I had heard about humans and sometimes how they have the gift of sight, as if they can see right through us. But if this human boy… this Isaac knew what I was, why didn’t he expose us? Why did he help Nate if we were so dangerous?
My head started to ache as more and more questions entered my mind until finally I had to sit, my knees giving way beneath me. Closing my eyes, I covered them with my hands, placing my elbows on my thighs.
“Rough journey?”
I didn’t even glance upwards; his scent was enough to identify him.
“I guess you could say that,” I mumbled, nearly incomprehensible as my hands blocked the flow of words from my mouth.
Carmen sat beside me, his body heat feeling oddly warm against mine. He must have felt it too for he gently covered my forearm with this hand, making me shiver.
“You’re so cold?” His eyes swirled with queries as I met them.
“Just rattled, that’s all.”
“Rattled… I don’t understand—“
“Never mind. It isn’t important,” I cut in, smiling for his benefit. But, as usually, he saw right through my travesty.
“Why do you always have to keep things to yourself? It’s natural to release your feelings to another. It makes you feel better.”
“Are you always so wise?” I asked with a smirk, and he smiled in return. The feeling was mutual between us as we sat, content with each other’s company. There was no tension, no feelings of hurt or regret. It was just like old times… almost, as Nora came into view, bringing with her a floral scent that made it seem almost as if spring had arrived.
“Oh, there you are, Carmen.” She sighed with relief, as if it had been seriously disconcerting to her that she didn't know where he was.
Carmen stood at her entrance, like a lord before his lady. It was sickening to watch, so I rose as well, planning to make my leave. But Nora surprised me, when she took a step back. “I’m going to go back to the cottage now.” Her voice was awkward, her face pinched. It was one of the few times I had seen Nora’s feelings get the best of her. She almost ran in the opposite direction after a moment, and Carmen took a step forward, moving to follow. I didn’t stop him. He had to do what he wanted. I had no more hold over him than Nora did. Carmen needed to find his own way.
I saw it in his eyes where his heart truly lay then and pushed him slightly to follow whatever it was telling him. “Go. She came here looking for you.”
“But—“
I shook my head, stopping the flow of excuses I knew were preparing to flow from his mouth. “Go,” I said more forcefully, giving him a shove. He just stared at me for a moment and then he too left, following in Nora’s footsteps.
Sighing, I let my eyes drift to the heavens. It was a clear sky, the sunlight shielded by a full whiteness, the clouds preparing for, no doubt, another winter storm. Crossing my arms in front of my chest, I continued my walk.
The trails were long and smooth, the snow having worn away any ruts now that it was packed and hard. The crystals sparkled in the waning light and the temperature dropped drastically, pricking at my skin. That’s when I noticed my veins.
They were still red.
Odd, I thought, holding my palm closer to my face, tracing the main artery with my pointer finger of my other hand. They usually only stayed red for a few hours after feeding before returning to their normal black. But, as I watched, the color was deepening, the crimson fading. Thinking back, it had only been a barely twenty-four hours since I fed.
A gust of wind blew my hair from my loose pony, the elastic band springing free, catching the wind and traveling out of my reach. Not even bothering to get it, I let my hair tangle around my head, wishing then that I hadn’t given Randy my sweatshirt back. The wind was bothering me more than usual and I rubbed my hands up and down my arms, though it did no good.
A few more steps and then I heard it.
It started out soft, like a cricket’s song. But slowly, it grew louder until it pounded against my sensitive eardrums like that of a seagull’s squawk—loud and obnoxious. I searched the area with my keen eyesight, but saw nothing. Even the skies were absent of any activity. Now that I thought about it, the woods had been unnaturally quiet, as if there were no wildlife around. Again, it was winter though, so that was natural… right?
The sound abruptly died, plunging the forest into a deafening silence. The sound had been mournful, as if the creature had been dying inside. It had raised the hair on the back of my neck and glancing down, I started when I saw that my nails were out, long daggers brushing my pant leg. Whatever that had been, it had put my defense-mode on high.
Waiting only a minute longer to see if the sound would return, I spun around and headed back to the cottage. Too many things had happened that day to add the worry of a mysterious noise in the woods to the pile. It was probably just some annoying crow or something. Nothing to be concerned about.
Just like that human boy. He, too, needed to be taken from my thoughts. He was just some kid that helped Nate that fate had somehow provided us with a meeting, as fleeting as it was. Nothing more than that.
The cottage came into view, along with Elena seated on the cement steps. Her head shot up when I entered the grounds, and she smiled to me, her moon-like orbs glimmering as the light around us continued to fad.
I was mere feet away from her when the snow began to fall. Slow at first, thick like cotton balls. It slowly picked up speed until it covered us with thick ice. But I paid the weather no mind. At the sight of Elena, my worries faded. I couldn’t fathom the ability she had to do this for me, but I was awfully grateful. It dropped from my shoulders as if I had been laden with tons of weight and now it had been stripped away.
“Sophia, I’ve been waiting for you. Carmen told me you were rattled about something.”
I shrugged. “Not anymore.”
She smiled, her silvery eyes sparkling, as if this had been her plan. “Well, I’m glad. Come now, you must be tired.”
I nodded. I couldn’t deny the fatigue I suddenly felt at her mention. I could just imagine the bed awaiting me upstairs and I quickened my pace.
My foot had barely crossed the threshold when, in the distance, I heard the unmistakable sound of a bird in agony, the high-pitched squawk I had heard earlier. And like before, it sent my hair on end.
“Something wrong, Sophia?” Elena’s voice brought my eyes to hers.
“No, nothing,” I hurried to say, and as I closed my door, I repeated over and over in my head: Just a crow, just a crow.
But I knew deep down that it was something more.
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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W-w-w-well, I return in a flash of glorious white light, if you don't mind, Ash dear. We writers really do have a flair for the dramatic, don't we? Arrrrhrrhmm! I'd better get to the nitpicks, first.

What human has such pointed teeth[s]? And what human has[/s] such soft, velvety hands?


Better put as: What human has such pointed teeth - such soft, velvety hands?

I took to the trails, taking my time


Repetition of 'take', albeit in different tenses. Change one?

But, as usual[s]ly[/s], he saw right through my travesty


Travesty is - not the right word here. I'm blowed if I can think of a proper adjective now, and I don't want to suggest a not-so good one... facade, maybe.

I shook my head, stopping the flow of excuses I knew were preparing to flow from his mouth.


Ack! Repetition! Change one of the words in bold, pleezums. ^_^

Well, that's some of 'em. I've told you mostly what I think of your vamps, your story, but as to my opinion of this chapter, well, it was pretty good. I mean, the conversation with Carmen was a little stiff, and the way you started the chapter, with the three of them talking but no dialogue, seemed rushed. Other than that, it was rather interesting, and the dying bird was an intriguing thingie.

I'd better be off - don't want to do any more damage 'round here. Good luck, and all that. Hope to be around for chap. thirteen, yes-yes. =D

-SELA
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest




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OMG that's so cool! >w<
I think the whole thing with Carmen seemed a little awkward, and almost added like a second thought type of thing. I thinks it's because it didn't seem to really add more to where the story was going, kind of like a filler-episode on TV, you know?
But I still love it! =D
I love how you added the part with the sound she heard, it made everything really eerie in a cool way.
And I am very displeased with these cliffhangers! >.< They keep making me really anxious for the next chapter!
(Are cliffhangers a specialty of yours? Cause your really good at them in an incredibly evil sort of way.)
----
If you can't dazzle the world with your knowledge, Then baffle them with your bullshit.




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Hello Ash!

I will agree that you really are good at cliffhangers. Too good actually. And I really really want to read the next chapter. I didn't find a lot of mistakes, it was either that or I just got too into the chapter, so hopefully someone will pick up the things I missed. Sorry.

The conversation between Carmen and Sophia was to me a nice touch. It was supposed to be awkward given that they have had a bumpy past.

And the noise! Ooh I wonder what it really was but I have theories. I'm starting to get a sense of what Isaac really is, though I could be wrong...

Well all in all, another great chapter. Keep writing!

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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Well hello, we meet again :wink: - I see you've pleased us all and posted another chapter *starts dancing* . So, let's get down to business, ash (: :D ....
[?] = I've put/added something in that I'm not totally sure about.

ashleylee wrote:All right, I kind of struggled with this chapter :? So please, all help is needed [and help you will get (hopefully) =D ]!

Happy Reading!

____________________

CHAPTER TWELVE

Both Nate and Randy badgered me the whole way home [why, how, etc...?]. Nate felt that the attention I was giving the human boy was comical. He also found it interesting that he recognized me. After I explained how the human had seen me in the woods the day of his disappearance, Nate sobered up and didn’t speak for the rest of the journey [?].
Randy, however, was more on the irritated side. He felt that I had spent too much time in the hospital, given too much information away, and that I had been careless. I just told him that if he thought he could have done better, he should have done it himself. That shut him up right [slightly awkward sounding, try and rephrase].
The rest of the time was spent in silence until we reached the cottage. While we ran [was running their means of getting home then? You need to try and mention it a little earlier if it is, because I can't really remember how they got to the hospital, as the chapter that had it in it was a while ago... I am making sense, right? =P So just try and mention it a little earlier, as for some reason, I had a vision of them in a car (don't ask me why =P )], I couldn’t get the human boy out of my mind. His name rang in my ears like the steady beat of a drum I wouldn't really pair 'rang' with 'the beat of a drum' - I love the simile, I would just try and replace 'rang' with something else]. I was flustered. It wasn’t uncommon, I supposed, as some vampires say that some humans have special powers over us [why? How? I would try and expand on this a little]. This I found even more bothersome. What if this Isaac kid knew what I was? What if he sensed it?
[Now, in all these thoughts and bothers of your MC, you haven't yet mentioned the parting line of the previous chapter -- he had pointed teeth. I was expecting you to go into a little more deliberation over that point, it seems almost as though you've forgotten about it...]
I also couldn’t forget the revelation after a left the hospital, how I hadn’t given it any notice before—his pointed teeth [Lol, forget my ramble from above =P ]. It was a subtle thing, the tips of them only slightly sharpened, but it was enough to grab my attention afterwards. What human has such pointed teeth? And what human has such soft, velvety hands [what are human hands normally like?]?
Giving myself a mental shake, I jolted to a stop, refusing Randy when he motioned to follow him inside the cottage. Instead, I took to the trails, taking my time. My breath chilled the surprisingly warm air, and I tucked my hands into the pockets of my sweats, feeling the breeze curl around my arms like an embrace [ooh, I love it! (: ].
I thought again of the stories I had heard about humans and sometimes how they have the gift of sight, as if they can see right through us. But if this human boy… this Isaac knew what I was, why didn’t he expose us? Why did he help Nate if we were so dangerous, as we are to humans [?]?
My head started to ache as more and more questions entered my mind until finally I had to sit, my knees giving way beneath me. Closing my eyes, I covered them with my hands, placing my elbows on my thighs.
“Rough journey?” [Describe voice...]
I didn’t even glance upwards; his scent was enough to identify him.
“I guess you could say that,” I mumbled, nearly incomprehensible as my hands blocked the flow of words from my mouth.
Carmen sat beside me, his body heat feeling oddly warm against mine. He must have felt it too for he gently covered my forearm with [s]t[/s]his hand, making me shiver.
You’re so cold? [That's more of a statement than a question, so I would lose the question mark]” His eyes swirled with queries as I met them.
“Just rattled, that’s all.”
“Rattled… I don’t understand—“
“Never mind. It isn’t important,” I cut in, smiling for his benefit. But [try not to start your sentences with 'but' or any other connectives. I know it's hard - I'm always doing it - but it does make your writing look more professional if you don't use them (: ], as usually, he saw right through my travesty.
“Why do you always have to keep things to yourself? It’s natural to release your feelings to another. It makes you feel better.”
Why are you always so wise?” I asked with a smirk, and he smiled in return. The feeling was mutual [what feeling?] between us as we sat, content with each other’s company. There was no tension, no feelings of hurt or regret. It was just like old times… almost, as Nora came into view, bringing with her a floral scent that made it seem almost as if spring had arrived early/late [depending on the season now =P].
“Oh, there you are, Carmen.” She sighed with relief, as if it had been seriously disconcerting to her that she didn't know where he was.
Carmen stood at her entrance, like a lord before his lady. It was sickening to watch, so I rose as well, planning to make my leave. But Nora surprised me, when she took a step back. “I’m going to go back to the cottage now.” Her voice was awkward, her face pinched. It was one of the few times I had seen Nora’s feelings get the best of her. She almost ran in the opposite direction, and after a moment, [s]and[/s] Carmen took a step forward, moving to follow. I didn’t stop him. He had to do what he wanted. I had no more hold over him than Nora did. Carmen needed to find his own way.
I saw it in his eyes where his heart truly lay then and pushed him slightly to follow whatever it was telling him. “Go. She came here looking for you.”
“But—“
I shook my head, stopping the flow of excuses I knew were preparing to flow from his mouth. “Go,” I said more forcefully, giving him a shove. He just stared at me for a moment and then he too left, following in Nora’s footsteps.
Sighing, I let my eyes drift to the heavens. It was a clear sky, the sunlight shielded by a full whiteness, the clouds preparing for, no doubt, another winter storm. Crossing my arms in front of my chest, I continued my walk.
The trails were long and smooth, the snow having worn away any ruts now that it was packed and hard. The crystals sparkled in the waning light and the temperature dropped drastically, pricking at my skin. That’s when I noticed my veins.
They were still red [what causes them to be red in the first place and what colour are they normally?].
Odd, I thought, holding my palm closer to my face, tracing the main artery with my pointer [do you mean your index finger?] finger of my other hand. They usually only stayed red for a few hours after feeding before returning to their normal black [again, ignore my previous question - you really do leave me with nothing to say, as usual =P ]. But, as I watched, the color was deepening, the crimson fading [this doesn't make sense - you're saying that the colour is deepening (which I'm assuming is the red), and then you say the crimson if fading... It's slightly contradictory. I would try and make it clear what you actually meant (: ]. Thinking back, it had only been a barely twenty-four hours since I fed.
A gust of wind blew my hair from my loose pony, the elastic band springing free, catching the wind and traveling out of my reach. Not even bothering to get it, I let my hair tangle around my head, wishing then that I hadn’t given Randy my sweatshirt back. The wind was bothering me more than usual and I rubbed my hands up and down my arms, though it did no good.
A few more steps and then I heard it.
It started out soft, like a cricket’s song. But slowly, it grew louder until it pounded against my sensitive eardrums like that of a seagull’s squawk—loud and obnoxious. I searched the area with my keen eyesight, but saw nothing. Even the skies were absent of any activity. Now that I thought about it, the woods had been unnaturally quiet, as if there were no wildlife around. Again, it was winter though, so that was natural… right?
The sound abruptly died, plunging the forest into a deafening silence. The sound had been mournful, as if the creature had been dying inside. It had raised the hair on the back of my neck and glancing down, I started when I saw that my nails were out, long daggers brushing my pant leg. Whatever that had been, it had put my defense-mode on high.
Waiting only a minute longer to see if the sound would return, I spun around and headed back to the cottage. Too many things had happened that day to add the worry of a mysterious noise in the woods to the pile. It was probably just some annoying crow or something. Nothing to be concerned about.
Just like that human boy. He, too, needed to be taken from my thoughts. He was just some kid that helped Nate that fate had somehow provided us with a meeting, as fleeting as it was. Nothing more than that.
The cottage came into view, along with Elena seated on the cement steps. Her head shot up when I entered the grounds, and she smiled to me, her moon-like orbs glimmering as the light around us continued to fade.
I was mere feet away from her when the snow began to fall. Slow at first, thick like cotton balls. It slowly picked up speed until it covered us with thick ice. But I paid the weather no mind. At the sight of Elena, my worries faded. I couldn’t fathom the ability she had to do this for me, but I was awfully grateful. It [define 'it'] dropped from my shoulders as if I had been laden with tons of weight and now it had been stripped away.
“Sophia, I’ve been waiting for you. Carmen told me you were rattled about something.”
I shrugged. “Not anymore.”
She smiled, her silvery eyes sparkling, as if this had been her plan. “Well, I’m glad. Come now, you must be tired.”
I nodded. I couldn’t deny the fatigue I suddenly felt at her mention. I could just imagine the bed awaiting me upstairs and I quickened my pace.
My foot had barely crossed the threshold when, in the distance, I heard the unmistakable sound of a bird in agony, the high-pitched squawk I had heard earlier. And like before, it sent my hair on end.
“Something wrong, Sophia?” Elena’s voice brought my eyes to hers.
“No, nothing,” I hurried to say, and as I closed my door, I repeated over and over in my head: Just a crow, just a crow.
But I knew deep down that it was something more.


Overall
What can I say, ash? Except, I love reading your work!!! You never cease to amaze me and you most certainly never disappoint - congratulations on another amazing chapter. I can't wait for the next, and to find out more about Isaac!!

Keep writing!! =D
--Lucy-lu xx
"Don't think, or judge. Just Listen."




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*sigh* Well, looks like Angel and Sela and Lucy have taken care of everything. I was gone last night, so I didn't get your PM till this morning.

BUT - I'm still glad I got to read this! It's so dang suspenseful, and I like it that way! =D

I only have a few problems:

1) The first few paragraphs seem . . . forced and choppy. I think it would have been easier to understand and to read if you changed it to a real conversation. Such as:

Both Nate and Randy badgered me the whole way home, instead of congratulating me.

"The attention you gave Isaac was comical, Soph," said Nate, chuckling slightly. "And how did he recognize you? I find that interesting."

"He recognized me because he found me in the woods after you beat me up," I said, sounding more flippant than I'd wanted to.

Nate sobered and didn't speak again.


Etc, etc. Anyway, I think it might be easier for you to handle if it was written that way.

2) And - now don't be offended, it's just my personal experience talking here - the part when you talk about Isaac having soft, velvety hands? Well, it kinda struck me as disgusting. No offense, mind you, just that when I think of manly men, velvety hands do not come to mind. It reminds me of a level 12 paladin dude from Dungeons and Dragons. (Don't ask me how I know about D&D)

But you can do whatever you want, really. Especially if it plays a critical role in the story. That part just wasn't my personal favorite. :lol:

Anyway, this was great. I hope this chapter didn't cause you too much trouble, because it was great, as always. Keep it up! :D

~Sunny




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Hey ash,

This chapter was good, but not great. I do sugges that you take the advice aboe and make it into a great chapter.

the whole Nora-Carmen-Sohpia thing bug me. How Nora and Carmen get together in this story and Does Nora hate Sophia because Carmen is spending so much time with her? And Carmen, He still has feeling for Sophia?

well, I hope the next chapter will explain or slight explain these question that i have ask. Hope to see another great chpater soon.

Bri
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion




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Cliffhanger much????
So im guessing that this painfull cry shes hearing in the woods is whatever Isaac is? More than likely a shap shifter. very nice. I cant wait to read the next chapter. I really do want to thank you for having me read this. it is very well writted. I love it so much! i read it for hours today, i hope you realize that i havent been able to leave my computer since about four in the after noon, now it is seven thrity. that is an awesome thing to do to a reader.
Well, do tell me when you have posted more. I cannot wait to see what you make of this. Good Luck with your writing!

And make sure to keep up with my story as well, please. hahaha. talk to you later.
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[spoiler]
Red = My corrections.
Purple = My Suggestions.
[s]Strikethrough[/s] = Omit
Carmen sat beside me, his body heat feeling oddly warm against mine. He must have felt it, too, for he gently covered my forearm with this hand, making me shiver.
“You’re so cold?” His eyes swirled with queries as I met them. Doesn’t seem like a question to me

I shook my head, stopping the flow of excuses I knew were preparing to flow from his mouth. “Go,” I said more forcefully, giving him a shove. He just stared at me for a moment and then he, too, left, following in Nora’s footsteps.

It started out soft, like a cricket’s song. But slowly, it grew louder until it pounded against my sensitive eardrums like that of a seagull’s squawk—loud and obnoxious. I searched the area with my keen eyesight, but saw nothing. Even the skies were absent of any activity. Now that I thought about it, the woods had been unnaturally quiet, as if there were no wildlife around. Again, it was winter, though, so that was natural… right?

The sound abruptly died, plunging the forest into a deafening silence. The sound had been mournful, as if the creature had been dying inside. It had raised the hair on the back of my neck and glancing down, I star[s]t[/s]ed when I saw that my nails were out, long daggers brushing my pant leg. Whatever that had been, it had put my defense-mode on high.

The cottage came into view, along with Elena seated on the cement steps. Her head shot up when I entered the grounds, and she smiled to me, her moon-like orbs glimmering as the light around us continued to fade.
[/spoiler]

Wow. Isaac... what isss hee???
One thing's for sure - you know how to handle suspense.
The situation with Nora/Carmen/Sophia... it seemed kinda... empty? I don't know if it's because we're more focused on Isaac, but suddenly them having troubles was easily brushed aside... not sure if that's what you're aiming at - us not caring about Carmen and not hating Nora anymore...
Off to keep reading.

»Sam.
"The power of accurate obeservation is often called cynicism by those who haven't got it." - Oscar Wilde.

If I could only see right to the end, I'd know just where to begin, and I could put together all the little pieces.




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I also couldn’t forget the revelation after a left the hospital, how I hadn’t given it any notice before—his pointed teeth.

He had pointed teeth for real? I thought that was just her imagination...

“You’re so cold?” His eyes swirled with queries as I met them.

Was it supposed to be a question?

But, as usually, he saw right through my travesty.

Usual.

He was just some kid that helped Nate that fate had somehow provided us with a meeting, as fleeting as it was.

I dont' like this sentence for some reason.
Ever since you went away, my heart has never beat the same and all that I can do is just laugh.



As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.
— Andrew Carnegie