Travel Writing By Abigail Eastham

I woke up seeing a glimpse of the rising sun peering over the horizon. Criccieth is differemt where I live, as soon as the sun is seen, all that can be heard are cars, lorries and buses driving past, but here you could hear a wonderful song which the wakening birds were singing.
I walked across the soft green sheet that covered the field and went exploring in the painted woodland. I collected many different kinds of flowers which I treasured in my scrapbook. I also saw many different kinds of insects, including the bees collecting powder from the flowers below. As I went deeper into the woodland I found an extraordinary flower which looked like the flames in a fire, it started off black in the middle then grew into red then orange and finally yellow. It was one of the best discoveries I had ever found but I couldn’t take something as beautiful as this, so I left it to spread its flames over the woodland. The black canvas of the night was near so I headed back to the camp.
As I lay on the green sheet, I looked up at the stars that spread across the night sky. I found that the stars made pictures in the sky; one of them looked like the flamed flower I found earlier, it was like I planted it into a group of motionless lights in the sky.

By Abigail Eastham

Hey,
Before I get round to the actual review, I would like to inquire about why this piece is in fantasy fiction?
Is it the beginning of a story and the rest is fantasy?
Anyways... on to the review!

First paragraph

I woke up seeing a glimpse of the wakening sun peering over the horizon. Criccieth is different from where I live because as soon as you saw the sun all you could hear was cars driving past, but here you could hear a wonderful song which the wakening birds were singing.

Here you used the word 'wakening' twice. It does not sound right because they are used in too close proximity to each other. Make use of different vocabulary to make it more interesting. There are many words you could use that mean the same or you could use one with a different meaning. Like 'stirring' or 'rousing'.
Also I would like to ask you about 'Criccieth'. At first I thought it was a typo but realise it must be a village of some sort...? I would not suggest using the name of a place which is not well known. This is just what I think, if you don't agree then just leave it how it is.

Criccieth is different from where I live because as soon as you saw the sun all you could hear was cars driving past, but here you could hear a wonderful song which the wakening birds were singing

In this sentence confused me alot. It doesn't make sense to say: 'where i live because as you saw the sun all you could hear...' You change tenses from present to past tense. I know that you used present tense purposely to indicate that the MC still lives in this busy place, but the rest of the sentence should be arranged accordingly. I think it should be changed to something like:
'Where I live, as soon as the sun is seen, all that can be heard are cars driving past.'
Also... What are the cars driving past? What may seem obvious to you may not be so obvious to the reader.
Second paragraph

I walked across the soft green sheet that covered the field and went exploring in the painted woodland. I collected many different kinds of flowers which I treasured in my scrapbook and saw many different kinds of insects, and then I watched the bees collect the powder from the flowers below.

You use a lot of 'telling' here, you simply tell the reader the information you want to give. I would suggest going here:
viewarticlebody.php?t=41426

It shows you how to SHOW the reader the same information without just telling it to them. You do this by conveying emotions, revealing what the chracter is doing, etc.

The last sentence was too long. Instead of writing one huge sentences divided by many commas, you can turn them into shorter individual sentences. This makes it alot easier to read and understand.
It could be changed into:
'I collected many different kinds of flowers which I treasured in my scrapbook. I also saw many different kinds of insects, including the bees collecting powder from the flowers below.'
Another thing I would like to point out is you used the word 'kinds' twice in this sentence, I would suggest changing one into something like 'types' or anything along those lines.

Third paragraph

As I went deeper into the woodland insert comma here I found an extraordinary flower which looked like the flames in a fire,just writing 'which looked like flames/fire', would be enough here it [s]starts [/s] started off black in the middle then grew into red then orange and finally yellow. It was one of the best discoveries I had[s]e[/s] ever found but I couldn’t take something as beautiful as this insert comma here so I left it to spread its flames over the woodland. The black sheet of the night was near so I headed back to the camp.

I would like to point out that you've already described the night as a 'sheet', you also re use it in the next paragraph. I would suggest using a different word. You could use: 'the black canvas of the night' or something like that.

Fourth paragraph

As I lay on the green sheet insert comma here I looked up at the stars that spread over the black sheet of the sky. I think you should abandon the idea of using the word 'sheet' here, its been used too much. You could say: I looked up at the stars that spread across the night sky' I found that the stars made pictures in the sky; one of them looked like the flamed flower I had found earlier, it was like I had planted it into a group of motionless lights in the sky.

Overall
I liked your use of metaphor throughout the piece! I would just suggest being careful with tenses and avoiding repetition as much as possible. Sorry if I nitpicked your piece alot but I could not find any huge grammar mistakes, keep up the good work!


Hey abi, since I've finished reviewing, I would like to say welcome to the YWS. I noticed you were a newbie and so would like to point out a few rules you may not have been aware of.

Stories and poems should be rated according to their contents. If they contain vulgar language, they should be rated 'R'.

New members are asked to post two reviews before submitting any work of their own. After this is done, a member can submit as many works as they like but a 2:1 ratio is requested (two reviews for every work posted). So since you have already posted something, I would suggest getting right down to those reviews

Chatspeak is prohibited, except for the very rare 'lol'.

For a few more rules and guides, go here: rules.php

If you need any more help, or have any questions, feel free to PM me
xxmimixx

This story is not fantasy!

holla! make sure that you really stress that this is a fantasy story. Like allot. Because right now it seems like a non fiction story with typos. If this is just the beginning to a fiction story and this part just doesn't seem like it then put a little blurb explaining it.

I for one, got a little confused from all of the tense changes make sure you establish its time.

Also you didn't really give a lot of character detail, thou you painted the area your character lives in very well.


work on it some more.

holla! make sure that you really stress that this is a fantasy story. Like allot. Because right now it seems like a non fiction story with typos. If this is just the beginning to a fiction story and this part just doesn't seem like it then put a little blurb explaining it.

I for one, got a little confused from all of the tense changes make sure you establish its time.

Also you didn't really give a lot of character detail, thou you painted the area your character lives in very well.


work on it some more.

erm yes good story there probably over used the words sheet and wakening and there's no explosions or swearing or sexual content probably the most inviting part 2 a story

I loved this, though I don't understand why it's under fantasy fiction, it sounds like poetry. I'm predicting there's not going to be any more though. Though 'Travel Writing" sounds very pretty, it's a bit pointless unless you add it to a novel or something you'll write later on. I'd save it if I were you.