The Gate

10 posts
User avatar
Gender Other
Points 89625
Reviews 1272
“Watsa matter ‘Ren?” I said cheerfully to my older sister. Most people called her Serenity, but I just called her Ren.

She sighed. “Nothing.”

I adjusted my grip on my teddy bear. “Doesn’t look like nothing.”

Ren ruffled my hair. “You’re a sweetheart Jenny. I’m just not happy my friends cancelled going to the movies.”

I smiled, showing off my missing front tooth. “You can always play with me!”

She smiled back, but in that big-sister way. The way she always smiled when she was about to say no. “Sorry, but I’d rather play with my friends right now. Why don’t you play in the garden?”

I stuck my bottom lip out. “But I always play in the garden! Alone! Don’t I Walter?” I held Walter up to my ear so he could talk. Teddies always have the perfect things to say. “Walter thinks you should come out and play with me.”

Ren was about to open her mouth when the phone rang. She let out a breath and grabbed the talking-bit. “Hello? Hey! I was just about to call you! Hang on.” Ren put her hand over one end of the phone and looked at me. “Sorry, I have to take this. I’ll play later, okay?”

I looked down. “Okay.” She smiled at me and went back to the phone. I made my way out of her room and went to sit on the stairs. Why did she only want to play with her dumb friends anyway? I was almost four! Practically a grown-up. But, she was already grown up. She was fifteen.

I went down the stairs and passed by Mommy in the kitchen. She was busy baking for some party she was going to. When I had asked her what kind of party, she just told me I couldn’t go because it was all for grown-ups. I knew she wouldn’t play with me. She had told me to go play with Ren.

In the yard, things were empty. As usual. I skipped past the play-structure to go to the back of the yard. The play-structure wasn’t fun like the back garden. The back garden was full of flowers and all these waxy green leaves covering the back wall. A plant Mommy called ivy. I saw fairies there, sometimes. When things were blooming. They liked to dance on spider webs.

Walter agreed with me that fairies were real. Nobody else seemed to see them, even when I pointed right at one. It was very frustrating. Daddy always used that word when I asked him about all the paper on his desk. He always said paying the bills was very frustrating. When I had asked him what that meant, he’d said that something was frustrating if you couldn’t understand something or people couldn’t understand you. That’s what it was like with fairies. Nobody else understood they were there.

When I got to the back garden I was sad to see no flowers were there. And Mommy had gardened yesterday so there were no spider webs. Even the ivy leaves on the back wall didn’t have any. I sat in the dirt and pulled Walter into the dirt in front of me. While he sat there, I put my elbows on my knees put my knuckles on my cheeks.

Now what do we do?”

I heard some noise in the plants behind me. “Over here.”

I jerked up and looked around. “Tiger? Is that you?” Tiger never showed up when there were no flowers. She liked to dance on the orange flowers in corner of the garden. Mom called those flowers ‘tiger lilies.’ But Tiger looked more like a cat then a flower, so I always called her Tiger.

I looked right behind me and saw a big door in the ivy. Mommy called that an iron gate. She said that was sometimes used in gardens to make them look pretty. Now that I saw one, I wondered why we didn’t have any.

A little behind the door I saw Tiger running up a hill with other fairies I knew. Rose was there, and Ivy, and Patty and Violet and everybody. They were all grown up too. Just as old as Ren. Just as pretty too. I grabbed Walter’s paw and put my hand on the gate.

The gate felt all cold under my hand. But not a bad cold. It felt like playing in the sprinkler on a hot day. As I pushed the gate open it didn’t make any sound. As soon as Rose saw me, she dropped her beach ball and ran up to me. I giggled as she pulled me into their game.

“You stay there, Walter,” I told him before going to join my friends. “I don’t want you getting hurt.” He was too little to play a game with us. He was even littler then me!

As I turned around to go play catch, I heard Walter say behind me, “Aw, why can’t I play too?”

I looked back at him. He was standing up now, and he was a little taller. I blinked, and he was taller again.

I tilted my head to the side. “Walter! You’re all grown up!”

He was as tall as me now. He blinked and looked down, then looked back at me. “Does that mean I can play now?”

I grinned. “Yes! Come on!”

Walter jumped in the air and ran to catch up with me. I ran with him, wanting to beat him to the game.

Violet smiled when she saw me. I named her Violet because of her purple hair. “We have somebody else playing too?”

Ivy tugged on her green dress, causing her wings to move. “You two can stand on each other’s shoulders for Monkey in the Middle!”

“That’s not very safe,” Patty said. She was always saying if something was safe or not. Just like the Patty I knew in kindergarten. “They might fall over and scrape their knees.”

Rose tapped her lips, her bright pink wings moving at the same time as her finger. “What if we play Hide and Seek? Then we’d all be safe.”

I clapped my hands. So did Walter. “Hide and Seek is my favourite!”

We looked at each other and laughed, since we had said it at the same time.

Tiger jumped in the air. “I’m not it!”

“Me neither!” I shouted. All the other girls said almost the same thing, until only Walter was left. He didn’t mind being It though. He usually hid from me. Now he would have to find me.

I ran away as Walter counted to twenty. At the top of the hill there was a big castle where all my friends lived. Right at the front door was a big tree shaped like a bear. I crouched down to hide behind it.

From the “You found me!” from the bottom of the hill, I knew Rose had been found. I didn’t dare look where she had hidden, just in case Walter saw me. Next I heard an “Aw” from Patty. She hated being found. Then I heard Ivy, then Violet, then Tiger. It took me awhile to hear anything about Tiger being found. She always hid in the best hiding spots.

There was a long pause as everybody kept looking for me. It was even longer until I heard Walter say,

“You’re too good, I knew I should, have given up before!”

I giggled and jumped out of my spot. “Now you see, look at me, the best hider in the land!”

Rose clapped. “Good job Jenny!”

Tiger flew into the air and did a loop-de-loop. “I have an idea! Why don’t we play in the castle? Then we’ll have more places to hide!”

We all agreed and ran inside. Since Rose had been found first, she was It this time. As she counted to thirty, just because she could. Rose was so smart! I went and looked for another hiding spot.

I was found second in that round. This time it was Walter who was found last. I should have known he’d be the best hider. He was always hiding around the house.

We kept playing Hide and Seek until some room started getting too dark. It was then we went outside to play catch with the big beach ball. It wasn’t until the sky was all pink that I heard my name called from the other side of the gate. Until then, I had forgotten about that gate.

I looked at my friends. “I have to go. You too Walter,” I added when he didn’t come closer.

He kicked the dirt. “Do we have to?”

I put my hands on my hips. “If we don’t get home soon Mommy will wonder where we are. And, it’s dinnertime. I thought I saw Mommy getting the things she needed for mashed potatoes.”

Walter perked up. “Mashed potatoes? Tonight?”

I smiled. “Yep! If we hurry, they’ll still be warm.”

“You’ll come back soon, though. Won’t you?” Ivy asked as I turned to leave. I looked back at them. They were sad to see me go.

I smiled. “I’ll come back tomorrow!”

Tiger tossed the ball into the air. “We’ll make sure to leave the gate open for you. Bye!”

“Bye!” the other girls cheered.

I waved while running with Walter to the gate. “Bye!”

I took Walter’s paw before pushing open the gate. We were back in Mommy’s garden now, and Walter was back to his normal size. I was sad to not be able to see him move anymore, but at least he was still talking to me. I took a few steps towards the house, listening to Walter talk about all the hiding places we could share next time. I giggled and told him about some of the places I had found. We both agreed to share spots next time, and be sure to win each round.

After taking a few steps I looked back towards the ivy. The gate was gone. It didn’t matter, though. I knew I could go back tomorrow.
Last edited by Rosendorn on Sun Apr 12, 2009 8:22 pm, edited 3 times in total.
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1155
Reviews 98
Rosey Unicorn wrote:“‘Watsa matter ‘Ren?” I said cheerfully to my older sister. Most people called her Serenity, but I just called her Ren. shouldn't watsa be what is?

She sighed. comma not period “Nothing.”

I adjusted my grip on my teddy bear. “Doesn’t look like nothing.” I think you meant nothing as it was dialogue, but generally it should be anything.

I went down the stairs and passed by Mommy in the kitchen. She was busy baking for some party she was going to. When I had asked her what kind of party, she just told me I couldn’t go because it was all for grown-ups. I knew she wouldn’t play with me. She had told me to go play with Ren. Nice use of the italics in this paragraph. You empathized it well!

Walter agreed with me that fairies were real. Nobody else seemed to see them, even when I pointed right at one. It was very frustrating. Daddy always used that word when I asked him about all the paper on his desk. He always said paying the bills was very frustrating. When I had asked him what that meant, he’d said that something was frustrating if you couldn’t understand something or people couldn’t understand you. That’s what it was like with fairies. Nobody else understood they were there.

When I got to the back garden I was sad to see no flowers were there. And mommy had gardened yesterday so there were no spider webs. Even the ivy leaves on the back wall didn’t have any. I sat in the dirt and pulled Walter into the dirt in front of me. While he sat there, I put my elbows on my knees put my knuckles on my cheeks.

Now what do we do?” more italics!

that round. This time it was Walter who was found last. I should have known he’d be the best hider. He was always hiding around the house.

We kept playing Hide and Seek until some room started getting too dark. It was then when we went outside to play catch with the big beach ball. It wasn’t until the sky was all pink that I heard my name called from the other side of the gate. Until than then, not than, I had forgotten about that gate.

Walter perked up. “Mashed potatoes? Tonight?” I LOVE this quote, it amazes me. haha.

After taking a few steps I looked back towards the ivy. The gate was gone. It didn’t matter, though. I knew I could go back tomorrow. wonderful ending


Hello, Rosey, nice piece! I loved it, you definitely earned a star on this piece. You dazzled me with this. The quotes were stellar!

There was only one (maybe two) grammar errors that I noticed in the whole piece. I'm sorry, but there's just not much to review here. I loved it. Excellent!
"We would accomplish many more things if we didn't think of them as impossible." Vince Lombardi

~You've just been ticketed by the Grammar Police! 1000 word essay fine.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1499
Reviews 104
Heya Rosie. Awesome story here. A couple of grammer mistakes that Colt didn't catch.


“‘Watsa matter ‘Ren?” I said cheerfully to my older sister.

You don't need this: ' after the quotations. And are the sisters close? She sounds like she is talking to a little sister and the way Serenity acts...

“That’s not very safe.” Patty said

Comma not period.

He kicked his foot.

He kicked his foot?!?! Owww. Do you mean he kicked the ground?

That was all I found. Cute story, Jenny was so cute. I absolutely love[/quote] Walter. A life sized teddy bear that can talk and move? Awesome! I like it that Walter and Jenny can talk. Its great. Great job!
~Storm
"You know when you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
~~~
Need a review?
One Stormy Review Coming Right Up!




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1544
Reviews 169
Bonjour, mon ami. Interesting story. Here are some problems I found with it.

Note: Additions and changes are in bold, and spelling changes are italisized.

“You’re a sweetheart Jenny. I’m just not happy, my friends cancelled going to the movies.”


Don’t I, Walter?”


I held Walter up to my ear he he could talk.


And Mommy had gardened yesterday so there were no spider webs.


The gate felt [s]all[/s] cold under my hand.


“We have somebody else playing, too?”


I looked at my friends. “I have to go. You too, Walter,” I added when he didn’t come closer.


He kicked his foot. “Do we have to?”



As you can see most of your problems are with commas. There are certain laws in writing that you must follow with them. If you have any questions about the rules feel free to PM me. And if you need someone to review your next part just ask, don't be afraid.

Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf
Fly, Fight, Win . . . in Air, Space, and Cyberspace.
-Air Force Mission Statement-

Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence In All We Do
~Air Force Core Values~

*Lethero*




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 2608
Reviews 37
Hmm.

I like your writing well enough, but I... kind of hate your narrator. I mean, not hate, of course, I don't hate children - who, me? *shifty eyes* - but she annoys me, and I don't feel a lot of sympathy for her, neither good traits for a protagonist and/or narrator to have. Sure, she's cute, but the tweeness gets wearying quickly. And she doesn't read like an eight year old, really, even one who's been exposed to a secretly real fantasy world all her life, if that's what it was meant to be. She sounds more like a five year old. Indeed, eight year olds are often depressingly cynical little brats, as far as I can recall. It's difficult for me to pin down why, exactly, the concept of it as a whole bothers me, repels me from reading on; I've read stories about children much younger than me and enjoyed them, although never from the first person, which might be part of it.

Anyway, none of this is very helpful. The grammar has already been taken care of by other kind reviewers, and the issues I have with this are as vague as they are pressing. Uhm. It might not be sustainable, writing solely through a young child's eyes for a novel, I suppose. I don't know. I have to say, though, that I probably wouldn't read such a novel all the way through. Do you have other viewpoint characters for older readers to latch onto? That might help.

Also: uncanny teddy bear is uncanny. D:
Nunc lac est bibendum.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3225
Reviews 365
Hey, Rosey, my new fellow purp! :wink:

Ha, I can tell that you meant the dialogue grammar to be like that. I don't know why someone would comment on a child's dialect like that... *points to several of the above reviews*

I-- Nitpicks

all the paper on his desk


I feel like "paper" should be plural -- "papers."

And Mommy had gardened yesterday so there were no spider webs.


I think you mean, "Mommy and I had gardened yesterday, so there were no spider webs."

(and I like the comma I added before so!) :wink:

sat in the dirt and pulled Walter into the dirt in front of me.


Where else would Walter go? It's kind of obvious that she's putting him into the dirt; you don't need to say it. Dirt is a unique enough word that it should only be used in a sentence once.

until some room started getting too dark.


I don't like "some room". Just say 'the castle.'

As she counted to thirty, just because she could. Rose was so smart!


I think you meant, "And she counted," not as.

Walter perked up. “Mashed potatoes? Tonight?”



Why does he care? He's a teddy bear! He doesn't eat... does he? :shock:

II-- Jenny

How old is she? I know you say she is eight, but she sounds like a five year old!

Your whole narrative is very juvenile. That's nice, and it makes the story cute, but I have a hard time believing Jenny is eight.

Quotes like this:

As she counted to thirty, just because she could. Rose was so smart!


Can she honestly not count to thirty? Most children can count to 100 by the time they are in kindergarten.

At eight years old, I did personify my stuffed animals and play with them, but I didn't talk to them. Maybe it's just me, but it seems like she should have outgrown referring to Walter as an actual person.

III-- Walter

A life-size teddy bear? :shock:

That just sounds... creepy. Especially when he begins talking. I suppose it's a personal opinion, but if my teddy bear jumped up and wanted to play hide and seek with me I would run!

Overall

This was cute, Rosey. But at times, it was a little too cute. Jenny got annoying quickly with her "Mommy says," and "The fairies were so smart!"

But I did enjoy it. :)

The only thing I would change would be to make the narrator a bit younger. Also, I think it would be sweet if you made it obvious that this was imagination instead of reality. The innocence of young children or something like that... *is not sure how to word it*

Good story, Rosey!

--Sakura
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




User avatar
Gender Other
Points 89625
Reviews 1272
Thanks everybody!

Ah yes. all those weird spellings/wordings. That's what happens when you write at ten pm. :P Much thanks for pointing those out.

The age, the age, the age. I struggled with that while writing and I see it shows. If you have any tips for showing an eight year old better, that would be much appreciated. (I was never really a kid, so my wordings are rusty)

It might not show, but I am working out the kinks in my head. I might even continue this, if I feel the need.

Thank ye again!
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2995
Reviews 54
I really liked this. I love the way the story is written from a child's perspective. It had a few grammatical errors here and there but other than that i wouldn't change a thing. I'm not really going to point out any of the errors i saw because, to be completely honest, my grammar isn't too good and i make the same mistakes all the time. It would be hypocritical of me to correct you when I probably have 100 in this comment alone. All in all this was good.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2995
Reviews 54
I really liked this. I love the way the story is written from a child's perspective. It had a few grammatical errors here and there but other than that i wouldn't change a thing. I'm not really going to point out any of the errors i saw because, to be completely honest, my grammar isn't too good and i make the same mistakes all the time. It would be hypocritical of me to correct you when I probably have 100 in this comment alone. All in all this was good.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5120
Reviews 317
Hello Rosey!


Like the other I do like the child's perspective. However, I still can't really click with the MC. I think it's because since you're doing first person, the language has to be painfully simple. Kids don't have such large vocabularies. So, even though it's written well, it didn't grasp me. What I suggest you do is write it third person. You can still have it from the point of view of a child, just more descriptive. I mean, if a child narrates a story from his point of view it will be very simple. I think that's why you struggled with the age.
But if you wrote it from third person you could keep that innocent childish atmosphere as well as add more magic and charm to it through descriptive writing.

I want to know what the fairies look like, the garden, the atmosphere, the sounds, the whole magic of it. Also, I feel that your story lacks a climax. There's not much to the conflict either. A bit more suspense and a concise plot would make it oh so perfect. Everything just goes too perfectly. It's too sugary and sweet, if you get what I mean. I need something to keep me to go on reading. Something to make me look forward to the end.

Other than that, a very sweet story on the whole. I wouldn't call the idea original. But overall, it has a lot of potential.

PM me if you have any questions.
-Zehra
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
--Ellen DeGeneres



"Please put me in the quote generator whenever you like."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi