Fading Rainbow (ch 1)

If you want to read this story go to Trainwreck- chapter one by Alfreto

Shayne asked her arms crossed tightly across her chest

I'm pretty sure you should have used a coma after "asked".

I tried to ignore her, but as her tapping became worse,

I feel like you should have used a semicolon in between "but" and "her", but I'm not sure. =O

Without waiting for a reply, I walked through the mall leaving Shayne trailing behind.

I feel like you should have written it "Without waiting for a reply, I walked through the mall, leaving Shayne trailing behind." but That's just me and I'm not great with puncuation. =P

I blacked my eyes out with makeup

I think you could have phrased this better because it kind of confused me at first (but I don't know very much about make-up terms)

Sorry for the crappy review. I'm not very good at them yet. -_-
Anyways, I really like how this turned out. =)
The ending was EXTREMELY unexpected. I didn't see that coming. I hope you write more because I think this could lead to a really great story later on. =D

The first thing I noticed when reading this story was the information dump. You give up too much information and too much in a telling manner. You're in a person's point of view, right? So have her laugh as she sees the shocked expression on her friend's face. Have her squeal when she arrives at the party.

Plus, your grammar/spelling is a bit shaky. You misspell a word here and there and miss a period or a comma...Once or twice is okay, but after a while it gets kind of annoying and detracts from the actual story. Plus, your paragraphs are too much. You need to break it down and have variety, or otherwise the reader will be skimming instead of reading.

Overall, the plot is a bit cliche and the characters seem lifeless. The ending, while a good twist, couldn't leave me panting for more. Polish this up and PM me when you do. I'll be happy to do a second review.

Grade: D-

Hi
I only wanted to say a few things about your story. It is really interesting, but there are a lot of errors.
First, the spelling of some words was wrong. I love the descriptions you made. They are very thorough. Some of the words were wrong. Like 'Flowy', i think you meant 'Flowing'. And when you wrote 'Leaped', it's supposed to be 'Leapt'. Something that didn't make sense to me was when you said:
"Sighing with irritation, I slumped down on a wooden bench and began flipping my phone opened (it should be 'open') and shut to pass the time."
You had written earlier that you had a blue i-phone. I-phone's don't open and shut.
Again, you're descriptions fascinated me.
Sometimes you used words that shouldn't have been used. Like when you wrote,
"The hot sun now took a liking to my burning skin as i drop of sweat..." Instead of 'I', I'm thinking it should have been 'a'.
The end of the story was actually very interesting and I congratulate you on that. You have an excellent choice of words when they are placed right in the sentence.
I really enjoyed reading this story, I hope to see more in the future.
diaNe

Hey =]

I'm Dudette and I'm going to take a look at this for ya'

Just a quick note before I start though. People tend to be put of reading and reviewing long posts, so I'd suggest posting this in smaller parts next time

Anyways - on with the review!

The cool, smooth fabric slipped through my busy fingers as I fumbled through the line of colorful dresses on clearance at the Pink Sun store in the middle of the mall. - I'd nix everything after 'store'

Chattering of other people wondered through the air, - 'Wondered' doesn't sound right and you already used 'through' twice in the previous sentence so I'd suggest changing this sentence to something like; 'The sound of chatter buzzed in the air,'

The sound of my older sister Shayne tapping her foot annoyingly seemed to be overheard by the commotions. - I don't get this sentence. I'd maybe right something like; 'My sister Shayne stood beside me, tapping her foot in annoyance.'

I only rolled - Nix 'only'

The song Island in the Sun by Emma Roberts - 'The song 'Island in the Sun' by Emma Roberts,'

Shayne asked - Comma after 'asked'

her blood stained red lips pursed together, and her foot still tapping to some kind of rhythm that was shouting, “Hurry up!” - I'd make this into a seperate sentence. 'Her blood red lips were pursed and her foot was still tapping on the floor in a frustrated rhythm.'

as dramatically possible for - I'd nix 'dramatically'

got the worst of me - 'got the better of me' sounds better.

Shayne exclaimed a broad smile spread on her thin face. - Comma after 'exclaimed'

letting my shoulders slump over as they usually did and stalking back inside the stall. - 'letting my shoulders slump as I stalked back into the stall.'

Before I could shut the door my cell phone - Comma after 'door'

Hey, Ali what-sup - Comma after 'Ali'

my awesome, incredible, most gorgeous boyfriend ever, Sam asked in his usual smooth tone. - 'My awesome, incredible, most gorgeous boyfriend ever, Sam, asked in his usual smooth tone.'

hoop earrings - 'hooped'

under my breath to low for Sam to hear - Comma after 'breath' and 'to' should be 'too'

I sighed hanging up the - Comma after 'sighed'

Taking a deep breath I resisted myself from screaming. - 'Taking a deep breath, I held in the urge to scream.'

I muttered again this time out loud - Comma after 'again'

throw up, her long - I'd change the comma to a full stop.

busy crowed mall - I think 'crowed' should be 'crowded'

as absolute nothing - 'as if absolutely nothing'

Jumping to my feet, I ran outside the bright sunlight of one of the smallest cities in the cost of California beamed down on my tan skin. - 'Jumping to my feet, I ran outside and into the bright sunlight of one of the smallest cities on the coast of California.'

popping my heels with - I'd add 'against' before 'my'

I felt free the wind - Comma after 'free'

Okay - I don't think i can do a review on the whole piece as it's really long so I'll have to leave the nit-piks there.

Overall;

I'd like to see more emotion. How does Alex know that her sister is annoyed other than the fact that she's tapping her foot. Is she scowling? How does Alex feel when she finds the perfect dress? - little snippets of emotion here and there will help to make your characters more realistic.

The story doesn't seem that bad - I liked the twist at the end!

I hope that this review has helped and I'd really suggest posting in shorter segments next time.

PM me if you have any questions =]

xDudettex