Young Writers Society

What are you watching?
What can you see?
Beyond the mountains
Beyond the sea
Can you see a land?
Where you can be free?
A special place
To only be?
Your eyes don’t focus
They look through me

What is it?
This glorious thing that has caught your attention
While you’re surrounded
By our emotions, laid bare without discretion
You lie there
Body, stiff, un-moving, eternally at attention
xXx

I need to know if the 'verse' works to carry on. All help would be appreciated though, even if it's of the 'Don't you dare mess with music again!" variety.

Yea,I think it is really good and interesting (:
but it is only good as a introduction because it is too short but the idea and rhymings are great!

Thank you very much!

This would actually fit more in Poetry. The rhyme is perfect for Poetry, but there's no chorus, no bridge, no structure whatsoever.

The title certainly caught my attention, seeing as it's a bit unusual for a song. But when I read it, it seemed very cliche and half-hearted.

Plus, you don't need so much punctation. With poetry, you need this period and that question mark, but song lyrics are more freeform in the area of punctation.

Overall, a good start, but it needs a lot of work.

Thanks for the crits! I was hoping to make the first part the chorus, and the verses to follow the same pattern, but then I had horrible block and couldn't finish. So, perhaps that's why it seemed half-hearted. I'm not making excuses LOL, this was a piece I ran off in a French lesson and only edited a few times when I got home.
I didn't know that about punctuation. I just though song lyrics were poetry but sung - shows how young and naive I am!
Thanks again!