Stone Age???

soft air humming
cool buzz
silver white shining
crisp black lines everywhere
neon green flash flash flash
plastic snakes dissappearing
hard white shell
buttons marching militarily
cryptic symbols littered everywhere
and black faces with nothing to say



what this is, is just sort of a blah poem for me. i was bored in the computer lab. thats what its about too... a computer lab. see if you can figure out what everything is lol. but yeah... its just weird. i dont even know what it really is so enjoy.

Hmm... I like some of the description, but its all just little fragments and you don't really get much of a picture... Like here:

soft air humming
cool buzz
silver white shining
crisp black lines everywhere

You could say, instead:

The soft air is humming,
with a cool buzz tickling my ears.
The silver white shining screen appears before my eyes,
and crisp black lines are everywhere

In my opinion, I think you need to get some nice, descriptive verbs in there!!! (I know you can do it! I know you can!) But the adjectives are good, I'll give you that. lol.

Well, it's meant to be kind of mysterious. I'm trying to get you to guess what the cool buzz is from, what the crisp black lines are, etc. I like it like that. Thanks for the reply though!

I liked it. I don't think I would have known what it's about if you didn't say but that's ok. I think you should take out the first "everywhere", it doesn't really add anything and with something this short things can get repetitve quickly. I like the last two lines especially. Nifty poem-thing!

I like it, and think that you should edit away your explanation; I was thinking of war, hell, all of these terrible things, and getting all of my own ideas and images, and it was brill like that, and then you're like "it was a computer lab" and I'm like, "ah, damn." Never let people know what your poetry is about unless it's in the poem, because people will get hte most excellent mental images, about things we can only guess at....

Wow. that's interesting. i can kinda see where you got that from. Hmm... thats funny though.

I liked it even though there wasn't much in it.

My favourite bits are:
soft air humming, cool buzz and neon green flash flash flash, plastic snakes dissappearing.

I thought you were talking about the sun setting/rising over a desert or something.

its interesting. very cool imagery. its choppy, pretty much random thoughts and descriptions that dont connect to each other, but i still like it. i especially liked the last bit,"buttons marching militarily, cryptic symbols littered everywhere, and black faces with nothing to say." cool. :thumb: before i saw your note at the bottom i had no clue what it was about, i thought it was pure randomness, but once i knew it was about a computer lab, i thought you captured the mood perfectly. come to think of it, i think this is the only poem ive read about a computer lab. congrats on the original topic![/quote]