Blood, Water and Tears

I lead to a place where destruction rules,
Where winds race and rush,
Where water rises and crushes.

Dead bodies lying idle
Above rooftops
You look at the houses torn down and lost,
You look at the streets;
Bodies and blood blending with water.
The winds are murderers,
The water their minion.

You look at the houses with tears in your eyes,
You look in the window and wonder,
Wonder what stories lay in this past,
What deaths where brought in this past.

And your thoughts are like claws;
Slowly ripping you apart
Tell you fall in heap
Tears on the ground,
Memories all around.

misfit-writer wrote:I lead to a place where destruction rules
Where winds race and rush
Where water rises and crushes oooo...nice repetition and parallel structure and alliteration *^-^*
Dead bodies lying idle kind of awkward; I don't like it.
Above rooftops
You look at the houses torn down and lost
You look at the streets more repetition and parallel structure. Not sure to hate it or love it
Bodies and blood blending with water
The winds are murderer
The water their minion
You look at the houses with tears un your eyesin your eyes
You look in the window ands wonder parallel structure
Wonder what stories lay in this past
What deaths where brought in this past
And your thoughts are like claws I would add to this simile, maybe make it more Homeric
Slowly ripping you apart
Tell you fall in heap
Tears on the ground nice emotion here!
Memories all around

Hello! I'm Colt, your first reviewer for this piece. -_-

First of all, this poem should be broken into two or more stanzas, it drags on as one. Second of all, amazing description. It's depressingly good, in a weird sort of way. Next! Punctuation is your friend, not your enemy. Make epic use of it. Also, make extraordinary use of similes and metaphors, especially in poetry using imagery and emotions. Rhyming can help in some places too. Otherwise it was pretty great. Good job.

Punctuation: . , ; : ' "" ? ! ` You know, the basics. Self-explanatory.

Hullo =) I don't think I liked this one as much as the other I read by you but it has potential, particularly the last verse. You've made good use of repetition and I like the dark, blunt tone but I think you need to expand on your imagery. If you added in more metaphors and similes, I think you could build a firmer persona and really give us an insight into the mind of the narrator which would interest me more than the actual storyline. It's good to get a sense of what's going on but a view of the twists and turns of her/ his mind would be awesome and also more unique, more personal.

Here's a few specific pointers:

I lead to a place where destruction rules, [I'd really like to see this line start with an imperative instead. An imperative is a word of command and I think it would be very effective to use 'follow' like:

'Follow me to the place where destruction rules'

and it might be quite cool if you could change 'rules' to a word beginning with p or b so you have what they call a plosive sound. It would make the wording stand out more and add to the tone.]

Where winds race and rush,

Where water rises and crushes. [Good alliteration and repeated format.]


Dead bodies lying idle [There's something slightly awkward about this line. I like how blunt it is but maybe re-phrase?]

Above rooftops [Maybe a full stop here?]

You look at the houses torn down and lost,

You look at the streets;

Bodies and blood blending with water. [Expand this image, add another line and really make a visual impact on your reader. A metaphor would probably sound better than a simile.]

The winds are murderers,

The water their minion.



You look at the houses with tears in your eyes,

You look in the window and wonder,

Wonder what stories lay in this past,

What deaths where brought in this past. [Brought? Do you mean as in to bring or to buy? I think it's a little confusing either way and if you meant buy, it should be bought. Hmm. Maybe re-think this part? This is certainly your weakest stanza.]



And your thoughts are like claws;

Slowly ripping you apart

Tell you fall in a heap [I think you mean until in which case it should either be Until or 'til.]

Tears on the ground,

Memories all around.

So I'm uncertain as to who this narrator is. Certainly someone who likes rage and destruction but could you perhaps hint at the reason, maybe show us if she's unhinged or if she has a goal or a pattern, is she going somewhere with this. Why all the destruction? Is she the one who has done it? Or is she showing it to the reader to try to make them understand? Where is this place? Is is representative of the Earth in general or more specific, is it everything that humans have destroyed? Is your narrator human or something else?

I find that I have too many questions to be compleately satisfied with this poem but I do love the tone so if you spend some more time thinking about it, I'm sure you'll be able to make it clearer and more meaningful.

I hope this helps, let me know if you have any questions!

Heather xx

I loved this poem! I was not around during Hurricane Katrina (taking notice that I live in Vermont), but I know what suffering people had to do. I think this poem really tells what the remains of New Orleans is like.

And your thoughts are like claws;

I always say, never start a line with 'and'. You can do without it!

Tell you fall in heap
Tears on the ground,
Memories all around.

I would go more along the lines of something like this;

Until you fall in a heap,
with tears upon the ground,
and memories,
all around.

You could probably think of something better, but the main point is, I would change the last lines to look more like that.

I liked this poem. You had great inspiration, and you probably did your research. Great job altogether!

this is a power =ful poem don't listen to the other reviewers they don't know what thir talking about don't change a thing here please it's perfect the way it is i love it really speaks to me like feel it inside my soul great job mis-fit