First page of Sensing Wild

This is the first page of MY part of the book and I hope you like it! Remember, this is only my first page, not the whole first chapter.

Chapter 1- New York


The sun slowly sinks down below the New York skyscrapers in the distance. The sky is streaked bright orange and red, resembling the hue of blood. My skin tingles as I take in everything around me. I love dawn and dusk, the time of the day where you can observe the battle between the sun and the sky for the prize of light and dark.
Darkness spreads over the sky, causing my bigger fears to pull me towards the door. I take one last glance towards the gleaming New York skyline, then turn away. I prick my finger on the door needle, wincing as I do so, and press my slightly bleeding finger up to the keypad. Years of practice tell me where exactly to position my finger so the pad reads it correctly. I feel a tingling sensation on my finger as the keypad reads my blood DNA for recognition. Lovingly, the doors creak open for me.
I close the doors behind me and flick the light switch on the left side. The living room lights up, inviting me into its warm, ancient comfort.
My sister and I have lived in this house together since our parents turned into Nightmares, and before that even. This house has been owned by our ancestors for hundreds of years. It is surrounded by trees, sits at the base of a very tall hill, has seven acres, and is in the Staten Island borough. Our hill is so tall that we can easily see the skyline of Brooklyn and the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge if we have the strength to even make it all the way up.
Coming across the granite floor, moaning and whining, is my pet Sorrow, Bunbun. I found my dog Sorrow digging through my shoe closet one morning, chewing on my favorite Vans, and he looked so lonely I decided to keep him and name him Bunbun.
Sorrows are not actually animals. They are lost human souls that take the form of animals or items. They are completely dark, shadow-like. You can see through them in sunlight and they don't eat, drink, or use the bathroom. I treat Bunbun like a human (besides the name) because that is what he once was.

Just a question...is this the edited version? If it is I have already done my part.

Hi Peanut,

You are a marvelous writer. Your strong prose successfully paints a clear picture, giving us almost spooky chills down our spines. Only a couple of minor corrections and tips.

peanutgallery007 wrote:The sky is streaked bright orange and red, resembling the hue of blood.

You have repeated the word "sky". I would suggest trying something a little different. Perhaps, "The sunset paints orange and red streaks, reminiscent of blood, across the massive blue canopy."

I love dawn and dusk, the time of the day where you can observe the battle between the sun and the sky for the prize of light and dark.

The times of the day.

My sister and I have lived in this house together since our parents turned into Nightmares, and before that even.

Try, "My sister and I have lived in this house together since before our parents turned into nightmares."

This house has been owned by our ancestors for hundreds of years.

Try, "The house". It's less repetitive.

is my pet Sorrow, Bunbun.

Decapitalize sorrow. This is seriously confusing to read.

I found my dog Sorrow

Hyphenate dog-sorrow.

I treat Bunbun like a human (besides the name) because that is what he once was.

This line is beautiful.

All in all, your piece is remarkably beautiful, and you've written something that I really want to read more of . I think I shall give this a gold star.

Have a good one!

Ok here I am. Just so you know I bolded parts in certain paragraphs and then explain them below which is also bolded. If something didn't bold right I apologize.

Chapter 1- New York


The sun slowly sinks down below the New York skyscrapers in the distance. The sky is streaked bright orange and red, resembling the hue of blood. My skin tingles as I take in everything around me. I love dawn and dusk, the timesof the day where you can observe the battle between the sun and the sky for the prize of light and dark.

Ok the bolded words (sinks, streaked, and take) are like that because I believe your switching tenses by using 'streaked'. 'Sinks' is present tense so is 'take'. The person before me gave you a suggestion due to using sky too many times...

You have repeated the word "sky". I would suggest trying something a little different. Perhaps, "The sunset paints orange and red streaks, reminiscent of blood, across the massive blue canopy."

I would take up this suggestion because the verb then becomes 'paints' which is present tense. Also just add a 's' to times.

Darkness spreads over the sky, causing my bigger fears to pull me towards the door. I take one last glance towards the gleaming New York skyline, then turn away. I prick my finger on the door needle, wincing as I do so, and press my slightly bleeding finger up to the keypad. Years of practice tell me where exactly to position my finger so the pad reads it correctly. I feel a tingling sensation on my finger as the keypad reads my blood DNA for recognition. Lovingly, the doors creak open for me.

Ok I bolded all the 'I's you used in this paragraph. I believe there is four. Three of which you used to start a sentence. When you're writing you always want to try to avoid repeating the beginning of sentences over and over because it gets boring. For the first sentence starting with 'I' try this... Before turning away, my eyes glance upon the gleaming New York skyline one more time...To the next sentence I would add 'Turning my attention back to the door that lie await in front of me I prick my finger.... And then continue on with the normal sentence. For the last sentence that starts with 'I' try this... A tingling sensation runs down my finger as the keypad reads my blodd DNA for recognition...I didn't changed much just the beginning to get rid of the 'I'.

I close the doors behind me and flick the light switch on the left side. The living room lights up, inviting me into its warm, ancient comfort.

Nice description

My sister and I have lived in this house together since our parents turned into Nightmares, and before that even. This house has been owned by our ancestors for hundreds of years. It is surrounded by trees, sits at the base of a very tall hill, has seven acres, and is in the Staten Island borough. Our hill is so tall that we can easily see the skyline of Brooklyn and the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge if we have the strength to even make it all the way up.

The first bolded part is in regards to the previous critiquer who has made suggestions on that. The next sentence that is bolded is more of a list. In this sentence you present four facts to the reader, which is fine, except lists tend to brake up your writing. It makes the read say 'Where are you going with this' Anyway here is a suggested rewrite.... It is surrounded by trees, which a line the seven acres and towering hill surrounding the house. The Staten Island burough is a great location because if we find the strength to make the climb the skyline of Brooklyn and the Verrano-Narrows Bridge becomes visible from the top of our hill.... that isn't the greatest example, but you can probably come up with one on your own that better fits the story.

Coming across the granite floor, moaning and whining, is my pet Sorrow, Bunbun. I found my dog-sorrow digging through my shoe closet one morning, chewing on my favorite Vans, and he looked so lonely I decided to keep him and name him Bunbun.

You can keep 'Sorrow' capitalized for the first use but when you say 'I found my dog Sorrow digging...' I begin to think you have a dog named Sorrow. That's why you should add a hyphen and use lowercase 's'. I believe the previous critiquer also said this.

Sorrows are not actually animals. They are lost human souls that take the form of animals or items. They are completely dark, shadow-like. You can see through them in sunlight and they don't eat, drink, or use the bathroom. I treat Bunbun like a human (besides the name) because that is what he once was.

There's nothing really wrong with this paragraph except the parentheses. When you have a story like this you don't want to use parenthese, although you can it's your story. It's up to you really. I would use commas in place of the parentheses but I'll leave that decision up to you.

Overall great story. I enjoyed it and look forward to reading more. Sorry if I was a little harsh or anything. Good luck with the rest of your writing.

Heya, Peanut! Here as requested!

orange and red, resembling the hue of blood.

Personally, I really don't think the sunset is the color of blood. Blood is more of a dark-red, while the sunset is... ugh, I'll stop rambling.

the time of the day where you can observe the battle between the sun and the sky for the prize of light and dark.

Lovely description.

Darkness spreads over the sky, causing my bigger fears to pull me towards the door.

This makes it seems like the sun was out and then BAM! darkness. It just seems rather sudden.

Lovingly, the doors creak open for me.

I wouldn't say that automatic doors open lovingly.

So this was short -- very short. Therefor, I didn't see any grammatical errors except...

You keep capitalize the word sorrow. Sorrow should not be capitalized unless it is a name.
For example, you woulnd't say "My pet Cat." Cat isn't a name. The same goes for Sorrow.

Overall

This was short, so I can't really review plot.
The one thing that bothered me was the sorrow, Bunbun. If the sorrow was formerly a human, I would not call it Bunbun. That's a humiliating name to give one.
This piece also had a lot of "telling." This means that your story reads a bit like an outline: "I did this, I did that..." You brought in many concepts (Nightmares, sorrows) very quickly without explaining them.
Perhaps you could start your story with her finding the sorrow or her "nightmare" parents making a scene.

Sorry, this wasn't much help.

--Sakura

Apologies for the epic delay in critiquing. I'm here now!

A couple of things:

- Just out of curiosity, why did you post only the first page? I'm asking because it's kind of difficult to critique thoroughly with an incomplete chapter; it feels more like I'm critiquing an excerpt than a complete piece of writing, you know? Even a chapter is somewhat self-contained but this feels too much like a fragment of the story.

- I like your idea but towards the end of this page — as in, only a few paragraphs into the story — you start info-dumping. Avoiding the info-dump is difficult but it's pretty much imperative because it's one of the fastest ways to drive away potential readers. It's also the easiest way to avoid building your world in real and interesting ways — I'm sure you've heard/are sick of the old adage of showing and not telling but it really is important, especially in moments like this. Instead of telling me a flat-out breakdown of Sorrows and what they are/aren't, try to incorporate it into the story. For example, you say they're not animals but you call her Sorrow a "pet", which doesn't really suit it. Especially after you say that the character tries to treat Bunbun like a human. (The name doesn't help give us the impression that it was formerly human, either.)

In a story with fantastical elements, it's an easy option to do the infodump but I would definitely advise against it.

Okay, onto the story itself. You wanted me to point out everything, so I'll try.

The sky is streaked bright orange and red, resembling the hue of blood.

First of all, "resembling the hue of blood" seems a little awkward because it seems to be referring to the sky, which doesn't make complete sense because it's not only red but also orange. And orange is hardly the colour of blood. Secondly, bloody red sunsets is kind of a cliche (and rarely an accurate cliche at that). Thirdly, "resembling" is a clunky word to use when trying to describe something. To be honest, I think your sentence is more powerful just as "The sky is streaked bright orange and red" — if you really feel the need to talk about the bloodiness of it, I think it's more effective to go with, "The sky is streaked with blood and bright orange", or something to that effect.

I love dawn and dusk, the time of the day where you can observe the battle between the sun and the sky for the prize of light and dark.

Nice line. : )

Darkness spreads over the sky, causing my bigger fears to pull me towards the door.

I'm assuming that you're trying to say that the darkness is her biggest fear, but the way you've phrased it doesn't say that. Instead, it says that darkness causes the thing that she fears, and That Thing is what pulls her towards the door. I'd suggest nixing the "causing" because it's not at all accurate and rephrasing the sentence in some manner. You can rearrange the words ("Darkness, my biggest fear, spreads over the sky and I pull towards the door") although that's a little clunky. I'd suggest having some kind of reaction to the darkness — a shudder of revulsion or something and then she makes her way to the door.

I take one last glance towards the gleaming New York skyline, then turn away.

You've already mentioned that you're in New York and you've already described the skyline as the "New York skyscrapers". Cut the "New York" here.

I prick my finger on the door needle, wincing as I do so, and press my slightly bleeding finger up to the keypad.

Don't really need to put the "slightly" in — it doesn't add to our image of the blood but it does help to make the sentence clunkier. We already know it's a pinprick so we don't need the "slightly" to clarify anything. At this point it's just taking up extra word space.

I feel a tingling sensation on my finger as the keypad reads my blood DNA for recognition.

Find a word other than "tingling" — you've already used it with "my skin tingles as I take everything in" just a paragraph ago. You also don't need to specify "blood DNA" — "DNA" will suffice. The way it's written right now, "blood DNA" makes it seem like there's different DNA for blood than there is for, say, skin. Which is hardly true.

Lovingly, the doors creak open for me.

How do doors open lovingly? She might feel surge of love when it opens but the image of a door creaking does not conjure up loving for me.

I close the doors behind me and flick the light switch on the left side.

You don't really need "the left side" — it's just unnecessary detail that few readers will retain and at this point, it's bogging the sentence down.

The living room lights up, inviting me into its warm, ancient comfort.

I'd suggest finding a synonym for "lights up", partly because you just mentioned that she turned on the light but also to help give us the impression of warm ancient comfort. If you're at a loss, consult a thesaurus. Words like, "glow", "bathe", "blossom" help give the impression of comfort much better than just a plain "lights up".

My sister and I have lived in this house together since our parents turned into Nightmares, and before that even.

I like this line. : )

This house has been owned by our ancestors for hundreds of years.

"Hundreds of years" = centuries? It's also kind of implicit that if it's an ancestral home, it's been in the family for at least a hundred or so years.

Coming across the granite floor, moaning and whining, is my pet Sorrow, Bunbun. I found my dog Sorrow digging through my shoe closet one morning, chewing on my favorite Vans, and he looked so lonely I decided to keep him and name him Bunbun.

Here's another example of the infodump not meshing with the character itself. You say that Sorrows are humans manifested in animals or objects but Bunbun doesn't even remotely resemble a human in the narrative — he does things that all dogs do and doesn't seem to have much human in him. I guess it might make more sense if, the longer the Sorrows stay in their animal bodies, the more they lose their human traits (or some such explanation) but as it is right now, the idea of Bunbun being a human soul doesn't really match up to his actions.

Anyway, I'm done; if you have any questions or comments or need me to clarify anything, don't hesitate to PM me. I think the idea of Nightmares and Sorrows sounds pretty nifty but be wary of infodumping and make sure that the Sorrows make sense with their human/animal parts. Good luck with the rest of the story! And again, apologies for the delays in commenting.

Very nice little preview of your story. I found it interesting to read. I love how you describe the sky and the narrators emotions, you did a very good job of that =D. The only thing I can think of that would make it better is to use synonyms for darkness and I think "Skyline" in New York Skyline is capitalized.
I don't know if you intended this, but i got the sense it was similar to I Am Legend.
Great Work! Please continue writing =D.

Hiya!

Tense: The present tense got to me a little. This seems like it's set in the future, and while this might sound strange I'd rather see this in past tense. I feel it would flow better.

Descriptions: The opening ones were nice, but when you get to the house it feels a bit info-dumpy and flat. The description of the house has no real relation to what's going on in her life, which would be a good idea to fix. Tying descriptions to your MC is the way to make them more interesting. ^_^

...Nightmares and Sorrows? I'd spend a bit more time explaining the "magic" in this story. What is a Nightmare? Are your MC and her sister slated to be one? The "dog Sorrow" caught me at first, especially when you don't call it a "dog Sorrow" again, until you tell us what a sorrow actually is.

Overall: Your description of the dawn and dusk was strong, but the rest of the description, as I mentioned, it a little flat and confusing. The confusion comes from the tense used, the flatness I mentioned in my section on "Description." ^_^

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Hey I'm ella, I use too many smilies and watch way to much tv . Also, i tend to sound pretty smarmy when im doing a long review, (just warning you in case this one turns out llike that )

Also, I suck at grammar so i only review people on language, character, plot..etc and its kinda hard to tell some of that from the first page but i will do my best because i like this so much

Firstly, I love this for many reasons amazingly, all the vocab and language fits, and i didnt find anything that was out of place there so you are my new offical favourite person The idea sounds really good, im intrigued by the fantasy element of it so tell me if you post more ... unless you already have i'll check that now :L

Ella
XOX

Oh! I absolutely loved this, would you please be kind enough to write more. It seems as if all the nit picks have been done. That's a good thing, I don't fair well in nitpicking, in fact, I need to be nit-picked. *excessive laughter* Nightmares? Are those some kind of human turned evil thing? Why does she need to use blood to open the door? Is she hiding something? Does Bunbun really taste like Bunbuns? These are the questions that come to me when reading this. Write more please! I DEMAND YOU!! Er...ummm..well, bye-bye now!
(Goddess, I just love those elephants!)

Definitely presents a very interesting concept. I'm really interested in how nightmares play into this. I do however, have one small complaint; for some reason, I can't stand present tense writing. Not a flaw in your writing, I just find them hard to read. I was confused though when you were talking about Bunbun. I wasn't sure if the name was Sorrow and it was a Bunbun. I would change this to be more clear. Later on I understood though. I think this has potential to be really good.