The Light in the Darkness

*Edited*

The piercing wind whistled as it passed through the foggy streets of London, carrying with it the cries of a wailing baby and the stale stench of the overflowing sewers. The streets were lined with the homeless, who heckled passersby for money, food or whatever they could give. In the dark alleyways thieves lingered, waiting for their next unsuspecting victim to wander into their mists. The houses were crammed together, like they were wrestling each other for space. Children played in giant piles of mud, excrement and corpses ravaged with the Black Death. Their mothers were unable to stop them and looked on with faces that were slowly turning into a dark purple shade.
Three horsemen trotted down the street, their figures dark shadows in the fog. The sound of their horses’ hooves was carried down the street by the wind. The eyes of the homeless all darted towards them and one by one their faces showed hope, as they glimpse the bright crimson capes of the horsemen. The children stopped playing to gawp open-mouthed at the men who wore armour that glistened in the dim light. A lone figure, draped in old and muddy rags, approached them clutching with her a baby that wailed to no end.
The mother of the baby held her child out in trembling hands towards the horsemen, who slowed to a halt in front of her. The leader of the three reached up to his helmet, removed it and held it to one of his companions who hastily took it. The leader’s young face was reviled, which was dominated by strong features and tipped with a bold chin. His face showed wisdom that far surpassed his years and his eyes showed unprecedented kindness. He let go of the reins of his horse, took of his right gauntlet, which he handed to his other companion, and reached to take the baby that continued to cry in his arms.
The mother bowed her head as the young horseman held his hand over the babies face and closed his eyes. A flickering of a white light came into existence between his hand and the baby’s face. The crying ceased which was followed soon after by the light. The horseman opened his eyes and handed the baby down to the mother, whose eyes swelled with tears as she pressed the baby to herself and bowed. He retrieved his helmet and gauntlet from his companions and replaced them to where they were before he removed them, then kicked his horse into a gallop down the street. He was followed by his companions and all down the street the homeless rose from their perches, if they could, and bowed; with the children following suit a second later.

First of all: Welcome to YWS!

Second of all: This was absolutely wonderful.

To the review......

In the dark alleyways thieves lingered, waiting for their next unsuspecting victim to wonder into their mists.

Ok, I'm horrible at grammar so I never review on it but I think you have a comma missing or in the wrong place. Someone will come back me up later I guess. Anyways, it should be "wander" into their mists (not "wonder")

Children played in giant piles of mud, dysentery and rotting corpses; their mothers looked on with faces covered in dirt and misery, unable to stop them.

?? Dysentery is diarrhea. What about rotting corpses? Why can't the mother's stop them? This is a very confusing sentence.

The children stopped playing to gawp open-mouthed at the men who wore armour that glistened in the dim light.

I was going to say that "gawp" wasn't a word and you need to change it to "gawk" but then I looked it up and it is in fact a word so never mind.

The horsemen stopped as the baby was held out in trembling hands towards them.

I don't like this sentence really. The main point that needs to come across is that the women held out the baby to the horsemen. I think it needs a small bit of rewording.

The mother bowed her head as the boy held his hand over the babies face and closed his eyes. A flickering of a white light came into existence between the boy's hand and the baby's face. The crying ceased which was followed soon after the by the light. The boy opened his eyes and handed the baby down to the mother, whose eyes swelled with tears as she pressed the baby to herself and bowed. The boy retrieved his helmet and gauntlet from his companions and replaced them to where they were before he removed them, then kicked his horse into a gallop down the street. He was followed by his companions and all down the street the homeless rose from their perches and bowed, with the children following suit a second later.

I had loads of trouble reading this paragraph. I'm assuming this "boy" is the horseman? There seems to be too many "boys" and "babies" in every other sentence.

Overall: YAY! I loved it. It was just the last paragraph that I started skimming because I kinda lost what was going on. But otherwise it was wonderful. I look forward to a continuation of this (if there is one)

JC

Hello there Blinkasy,

Welcome to YWS. I hope that you have a good time with us over here, and I also hope that we can help each other grow in our writing. Just so you know, we do have a rule here to ensure that everyone's story gets reviewed. We ask that you keep a 2:1 ratio when posting works. That is, for every one work you post, you should have two reviews.

Let's get going on the review then, shall we?
Nitpicks first:

who heckled passerby for money

"Passersby".

In the dark alleyways thieves lingered, waiting for their next unsuspecting victim to wonder into their mists.

Try, "each waiting for his next unsuspecting victim to wander into his midst.

The houses were crammed together, like they were wrestled each other for space.

This is grammatically incorrect. Try, "The houses were crammed together, almost wrestling one another for space.

The children stopped playing to gawp open-mouthed at the men who wore armour that glistened in the dim light.

You generally do gawp open-mouthed. Try avoid redundancies.

That's pretty much most of the nitpicks that I can remember offhand. Now onto the real review.

You've written this piece from an omniscient perspective. As a narrator, this is often a very difficult thing to do successfully. It's way harder to write from this perspective than from the perspective of one of your characters. This is because it's impersonal, and it is therefore tougher to get your reader to care about your story. As writers, this is what our job is. We want our readers to care about our stories, and it is therefore necessary to connect with them on an almost personal level.

Of course, there are many works of literary genius that have been written from a omniscient narrator's perspective. In most of these however, you will notice the efforts that the writer makes to connect with his audience through events as well as hooks. Thus, when writing from an omniscient perspective, it is vital to ensure that you have enough interesting subject matter to get your reader to care.

I'm not saying that your story is uninteresting, but I am saying that you are going to need a more massive hook to ensure that your reader continues reading. Your first chapter is very conventional, but it is also very impersonal. And you do want your reader to care.

Secondly, although in the first paragraph you have shown pretty well, throughout the rest of the piece this deteriorates marginally. I'd take a look at this article: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewarticlebody.php?t=41426. It's really solid.

Overall, you write a fairly strong prose with some really nice description as well as imagery. With a couple of revisions, this could become a true masterpiece.

Have a good one!

First off I would like to thank you for the reviews, they came much quicker than I expected. Thanks for the comments which I have read and made appropriate changes to the extract. I will indeed try and post reviews for others in the 2:1 ratio when I can, though I doubt I will be as good as you . I have read the link that was put in the second post and found it very enlightening. I remember my first English lesion on story writing, which have been very few, and was told about the 'show don't tell' rule. Although my teacher seemed to simplify it and said that you, 'should never tell anything, but let the reader infer it from description.' I do understand the implications of writing in a omniscient perspective, but I can't stand writing in first person with all those 'I' everywhere. Maybe it was through me misinterpreting my English teacher, but I never thought I should put in some appropriate telling. I will be sure to practise and experiment with it and maybe next time I post I will be showing and telling, but only when appropriate.

What I meant about from someone's perspective is not necessarily using the "I". Actually, I don't like that most of the time. I mean, try writing in the third person while only focusing your story from what one person can see at any given moment. This person can switch between chapters.

you did a good job, i'm happy to say this ' this is a very thin line between to much detail and the perfect amount.' i'm glad you didn't pass the line it was perfect, you want the reader to picture it, you did that perfectly.