Tree of deceit

My friends seem to be walking away,
Like leaves in winter, they appear to shed.
Instead of lying on bed all day,
I'd rather just be dead.

You planted a seed of betrayal,
cleared the weeds - so rare!
It grew into a lush plant,
and soon, a rising tree of despair.

Remained a fruit of hope
amidst the excruciating pain,
you crushed it with your deceiving hands,
and left an unforgettable stain.

My uncontrollable, dripping tears
refuse to wash off the mark.
All that remains is an ever-growing tree
loneliness carved all over its bark.

TeenQueen wrote:My friends seem to be walking away,
Like leaves in winter, they appear to shed.
Instead of lying on bed all day,
I'd rather just be dead.

The rhyme is working good here, but the syllables patterns are bouncing from one to another and that's ruining the "moment" here.

TeenQueen wrote:You planted a seed of betrayal,:shock:
cleared the weeds - so rare!
It grew into a lush plant,
and soon, a [u]rising tree of despair.[/u]

First verse is absolutely awesome (I rarely say that kind of stuff, but it really is). I also adore the lush PLANT--->rising TREE stuff.
I have an for the last verse: "but became a rising tree of despair."

TeenQueen wrote:Remained a fruit of hope
amidst the unbearable pain,
you crushed it with your deceiving hands,
and left an unforgettable stain.

TeenQueen wrote:My uncontrollably, dripping tears
refuse to wash off the mark.
All that remains is an ever-growing tree
"loneliness" carved all over its bark.

The last line seems forced. "Loneliness" is a nice, every-day word and it has its meanings. By putting it in the apostrophes, you give a message to reader: "You're dumb and that's way I put the apostrophes here". Trust me, the reader will get it without the "".

This is very good. I liked most of the poem (the title too). How you compared the tree that grows and awfulness, loneliness, pain and despair that grow simultaneously with the tree-



The bad news is the syllables. You're not very good at that, but that's an easy thing to do (or maybe not). You don't have to be precise in every verse, but you must not brake the limits.

Hope I helped.

P.S. [spoiler]8/10[/spoiler]

I think this could have used a bit more expansion on language and a few more complex words.

There were a few typical lines that fell along the lines of "unbearable pain expressed through tears." and for the most part this is very unimportant in the overall works of things, but I think with the rest of the content you could have improved on complexity a bit more.

The pacing was great, easy to follow, hardly ever left me doubling back.

In the few instances I did however, it was because of awkward wording and placement, almost a filler word to keep the mental version of it in perfect peace and slightly throwing off the reader's reading.

This is a good work though, and I enjoyed it's meaning, however as said before it had a few sorrow cliches and pedestrian lines ending different stanzas, just ruining the feeling trying to come out through the work.

Try to fix this up and expand your force behind your writing and I guarantee the next works along these lines will be an emotional force to be Reckoned with.

My friends seem to be walking away,
Like leaves in winter, they appear to shed.
Instead of lying on bed all day,
I'd rather just be dead.

• Should "on" be "in?"
• And I like your analogy. It introduces the poem well.

You planted a seed of betrayal,
cleared the weeds - so rare!
It grew into a lush plant,
and soon, a rising tree of despair.

• The last line sounds a bit awkward... it's off beat somehow. You should try, "It grew into a lush, green plant, and soon a rising tree of despair." By adding that word, you'd get your iambic pentameter back on the track and it sounds fine.

Remained a fruit of hope
amidst the unbearable pain,
you crushed it with your deceiving hands,
and left an unforgettable stain.

• Why are you starting out with "Remained?" That word has no link to the stanza before it, nor the lines underneath. I advise you change that for the sake of the smoothness of this poem.

My uncontrollably, dripping tears
refuse to wash off the mark.
All that remains is an ever-growing tree
"loneliness" carved all over its bark.

• Beautiful stanza. It closes your poem well. You don't need a comma between "uncontrollably," and "dripping." Usually you can tell where a comma should be just by saying it out loud and hearing where they should come naturally.

---

I immensely enjoyed this poem. It used a constant, beautiful extended metaphor that didn't drag the poem down like some extended metaphors do, but it helped it a lot.

Good job, and I hope you'll take some of my criticisms into consideration because I believe they would help your poem, that already has great potential.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Again, it seems to be that I am late. I agree with many of the comments made on your work, so even though I didn't say them, I still agree.

TeenQueen wrote:My friends seem to be walking away,
Like leaves in winter, they appear to shed.
Instead of lying on bed all day,
I'd rather just be dead.

The phrase 'they appear to shed' strikes me as odd. Do they turn from their vibrant greens to crinckly, broken brown? Or do you mean shed like they fall off of trees? Maybe they shed their beauty that wasn't who they were and showed their true selves. See what I mean? There could be tons of possibilities.
The last line brings a good amount into the poem, though its odd how you transfered from 'like leaves in the winter' to lying in your bed.

My [b]uncontrollably['b], dripping tears
refuse to wash off the mark.
All that remains is an ever-growing tree
loneliness carved all over its bark.

I think 'uncontrollably' should be changed to 'uncontrollable', perhaps.

I'm sorry that this review isn't very detailed, but much of my points were already pointed out by other reviewers. I hope you don't mind. Anyway, feel free to take any or none of my advice.
~MidnightVampire
P.S. Feel free to PM me about any questions, comments about the review.

The metaphor here is beautiful! I absolutely love the rising tree of despair; it's beautiful, heartbreaking imagery.

I honestly have little to say about it, because everyone else has pointed out what I would say. But you've done a nice job with this, I adored it.

Hey x

I really like this!

People have already basicly said what I'm about to say but I'll repeat it anyway becasue I feel like I need to!

I absolutely adore the title! It's such a great metaphor and it's very original which in my opinion is the most important thing.

My favourite stanza definetely has to be the last one, it is the most beautiful, perfect closer for the whole poem.

I didn't get bored as I was reading the poem which very rare for me! I was interested the whole way through it and you used a very good amount of metaphors. There weren't to many either which is something that happens quite often in poetry.

The rhythm and the flow of the poem was very good but I do agree that you could have maybe used some more complex words but that isn't really important!

Overall, I absolutely love the idea of the poem! It flows very well, it's not boring and it is incredibly effective. I can't wait to read more!

Kepp writing,

Meg

xoxo

i like your poem. Nice use of word, may be you could use some more words which could explain you feeling better. It had a nice rhythm and a nice rhyme scheme. Overall it was really good.

~ Anshita