Saving a Tree

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“Katlyn, time to get up.”
If it weren’t for the rays of sunlight grazing her cheek, Kate would never have pried her eyes open. Hello Nora, morning John. From their place on her ceiling, they greeted her with smiles that never fade. The only two posters Kate’s ever had, and she doesn’t even know who John Lennon and Nora Roberts are (they were Christmas presents from Lucy). She put them there to cover up the weird stain that’s been there since she and her family moved into this dump. They also helped lessen the completely bare and uninteresting vibe her room gave. She was not creative and lacked the funds for an interior designer.
Just another day, she thought. Calling out with a voice hoarse from waking up, “Mom, what’s for breakfast?”

No Answer.

“Great.”
Yet again, Sandy left early for work, leaving Kate to get her younger siblings ready for school, as well as herself. She often wondered if these types of mornings would become more familiar as her mother advanced in her career as a real-estate agent. She guessed she understood, what with her father leaving the four of them right after Ani was born. She never forgave him for that.
Looking over at the clock, Kate swore under her breath and hopped out of bed.
“She didn’t have the decency to wake me up on time? What is this?”
Now she’s done for. She’d already missed first period. Immediately she threw on the first T-shirt she found (which was probably dirty) and the old, ripped jeans she wore yesterday, threw her hair up into a quick bun and stabbed it with a pencil. With less than ten minutes to leave the apartment, there was no time for vanity. Grabbing her knapsack she ducked into the hallway. At least her sisters were already awake. Getting those two to rise in the morning was hell.
“Ok guys, get dressed, brush your teeth and then we’re leaving!”
She didn’t doubt that her sisters would do otherwise; they listened to her more than they did to their mom. Tripping over a partially dismembered Barbie strewn about the hall, Kate emerged into the would-be kitchen and tried to scrounge up some lunch for Ani. The one thing Sandy never forgot was lunch money for Jenna. As if everything was magically fixed with cash.
A peanut butter sandwich, juice box, and some dorritos would have to suffice.
Ani was always so picky, but this morning there was no time for special orders. The girls came trotting out of the bathroom, backpacks bouncing behind them. Jenna looked well put together; a pink buttoned up shirt with white capris and her favorite flip-flops. Ani never likes to settle for standard, sporting a lime green three quarter sleeve shirt with fusia shorts and blue-green striped leggings. To top off this masterpiece, cat-eye framed sunglasses the color of golden rod, and about thirty bracelets on one arm. Go Ani.
Upon the day of receiving her license, Kate was dubbed the family chauffer. Of course, money for gas did not come in the benefits package. Nope, that’s what all of her babysitting money went to.
That doesn’t even make sense. Babysit to receive money, and then spend all your money on gas to tote those same children around? That’s a never-ending circle! It’s like I’m not even getting paid at all! Fantastic.
So now it’s off to school. Ani first, because the Little Feet Pre School opens up early and it’s the closest. Driving up to the front door, Kate barely made it to a complete stop, she was driving so fast. Of course. The bitch was greeter this morning.
“I see you’re running late again this morning,” she sneered. This woman never gave up an opportunity to nag someone. “Don’t you think you should be more careful when you’re driving? You do realize that those children’s lives are in your hands, don’t you? You’d do well to remember that the next time you’re speeding through a red light.”
“Thanks for the advice,” said through gritted teeth. This lady never has anything nice to say. “Bye Ani, I’ll pick you up after school!”
“Bye Kitty! I love you! I-”
Of course, prissy old hag had to pull her away before she could finish what she was saying. Maud. That was her name. If there was anything that Kate could not stand most, it was this woman always dragging her sister away.
Stop number two: Brown Elementary School. Jenna was in her fifth year, but everyone knew she was way too smart to be in the class she was. She was kept from going to school with the class above her because she missed the birth date deadline by three weeks. Alas, Sandy wasn’t up for a fight with the school’s PTO. Actually, maybe it was a blessing, because when her high school days came, Jenna would be fully prepared, and it would be no surprise to Kate if she became valedictorian. Jenna is smart and independent, cunning and full of ambition. If anyone from this family has a chance at success, it’s her.
Stopping by the bike racks Kate hands over the lunch money and gives her younger sibling a kiss on the cheek, as the daily ritual predicts. Then the little protégé runs off to her classes, and won’t be seen until five, when she gets back from clarinet practice. In a way, this made Mondays a day off.
Shit. Three minutes left. There was no way she was going to make it to school on time. Maybe Mr. Wuaters would give her a late pass, being her guidance counselor and understanding the occasional dysfunctional days she had. Maybe not.

School was already in session when she got there. Oh my god, my life is a joke!
Of course this is the day that Mr. Wuaters calls out sick, or whatever.
“Great, just great. Now what do I do?”
There’s no way out of this one, she was going to get that office detention. Trudging up to the front door, she looked around in desperation, hoping that superman will fly in and explain to her principal that she could not get in on time because Lex Luther had tried to blow her up. Too bad this was reality. No heroes today.
Making her way through the main corridor, Kate is dying on the inside. Every step takes her closer and closer to her doom. Ouch, there goes my allowance. Step. Ooh, there’s three extra chores. Step. I can’t take this. Darting into the nearest bathroom, she stopped to take a breather. Confrontation was not one of her favorite pastimes.
Regrettably, Mrs. Hampton (no relation to the hotel) loved to argue, to tantalize, and to prosecute. Sitting in the bathroom wasn’t solving anything, only making her even more late.
Eventually, she had it all planned out. She would march herself into Mrs. Hampton’s office, look her square in the eye and tell her the cold hard truth about why she was late, and the answer was clear. To this army-style principal, excuses were not excuses, especially when it came to being late. With one long, drawn out breath, she was out the door.
Rushing out, she sharply turned the corner where she ran into the general arts teacher, whom she had last year. Having been so flustered, she’d barely noticed all his papers scattered across the floor, or that fact that she nearly trampled this guy.
“Oh no, I’m really sorry. I should’ve watched where I was going,” pleas that sounded way too sincere.
“No, no. It’s alright. These are just scraps I got from the supply closet, so no big deal. Hey, um, what are you doing out of class anyways? The other teachers usually don’t let their student roam until after lunch,” he said pleasantly, like it’s completely ok that she just knocked him over and ripped up his stuff.
“Oh, um, I came in late. I, uh, just had to go into the bathroom for a moment…”
“Ah, I understand, had to get your bearings before you faced the music,” he said. “Yea I get it.. I remember the first time I had to go see Cheryl. She’s quite frightening, until you get to know her. Oh, and don’t tell her I told you her first name; she thinks it takes away from the fear factor she tries to play off.”
Then he flashed a large, dashing smile. His teeth were very straight, unlike her own crooked teeth. She hoped he hadn’t noticed the chip in her front left tooth. She gave him a half smile in return, just so she didn’t seem rude.
“So how about this, I give a pass to whatever teacher you’ve been missing, and you come after school one day and help me clean up my art room?”
“Sounds better than detention,” she agreed. “Um, I’m supposed to be with Mr. Robin. He’s the history teacher upstairs.”
She knew very well she wasn’t going to help him clean his art room, she had too much of a chaotic life to be bothered with other peoples messes. Still, this offer was too good to refuse. Oh! He’s talking, pay attention.
“…and it’d be a really good experience for you I think.”
“Huh? Uh, yeah. That’s sounds like fun. Um, maybe if I have the time.” Yeah, nice cover genius.
“Great! Then I’ll see you in three weeks. Don’t forget your sneakers!” he said as swarms of students starting exiting their classrooms and into the hallways. The sea of teenage disasters soon drowned him from her sight. But what was it that he was talking about? Sneakers? What do I need sneakers for?

The rest of the day was very boring. Mr. Robins received his note, so Kate did not get a detention after all. Lunch was eaten alone, as per usual (when your playing the role of mommy 24/7, there’s no time for friends), and that bad food didn’t help the lonely feeling: gooey pizza that wasn’t a third the way cooked, some rusty salad and icy milk. Cafeteria lunches blow. The only good thing about today was she knew she had a few hours to herself to just do whatever she wanted.
Walking into the parking lot, Kate noticed something flitter on the ground. Even though it was most likely just another piece of trash thrown carelessly by some kid, it was still interesting. So she picked it up and read it.



Downtown Park-side Mall, Coming Your Way!
April 15

Want to do some shopping with your friends, but can’t find the right place? Just need to get away from it all? Downtown Park-side Mall is an attraction, coming to you. In three weeks, construction will begin, and soon the perfect hangout place will be all yours. So remember to come and see when it’s all finished. Mayor Wimsy will be there to cut the big red ribbon!



There was more stuff but it was just a flyer, so none if it really interested Kate much. She tossed is on the ground and absent-mindedly walked to her car. Pulling out of the parking lot, she nearly hit a pigeon and she cut the curb, turning towards the pre school.


* * * * *

Finally! With Ani over her friend’s house, and Jenna at clarinet practice, there were two hours of freedom. Two, wonderful, stress-free hours. How to spend them?
Well, first, I think I’ll take a shower. No, wait, a bath…with bubbles. And a good movie never hurt. I wonder if Sandy left any money for takeout.
In the kitchen, Kate found thirteen dollars in the cow jar (why they had a cow jar, she really didn’t know). That should be enough for some Low Mein and dumplings from Tai Long. The girls will have eaten already.
After calling the restaurant and ordering take-out, the bath tub was looking pretty good. However, when she actually looked into the tub, she wasn’t sure if she even wanted to take a shower anymore. The bath tub was filthy. There was nothing but slime and mold everywhere. When your busy running a household and raising two kids, it’s easy to let things slip through the cracks. And boy, the slime was really slipping through.
She sighed. I guess I won’t be relaxing after all.
And so she set to work. Of course, Sandy moved everything out of the perfect order Kate had set up, so she had to hunt for the Spic and Span and magic erasers. After ten minutes of opening cabinets and searching closets, she found them in the drawer under the stove. Really, Sandy? Sometimes this woman was just absolutely ridiculous.
Scrubbing the bathtub took a good forty-five minutes or so, and when the delivery guy came knocking, Kate almost didn’t here him. When she opened the door, the boy standing there was about her height, with really bad acne and hair slicked back by either hair gel or grease, she couldn’t tell. He was only slightly familiar. Maybe he was a sophomore or something. The total for the food came out to $10.27, so she just gave him the rest as tip.
“Thanks Ma’am. Have a nice day.”
He turned around then, and hopped down the stairs to his car. He looked up again, and when he realized she was still watching, quickly got in his vehicle and drove away.
He thought I was a Ma’am! Do I really look that old? We go to the same school for crying out loud! Even though she knew she looked haggard, there was still the tiny hope that some of her youth was still visible. Glancing at her reflection in the window, a twinge of self pity settled itself in her stomach. There were dark circles under her amber brown eyes. Her straight brown hair was pulled back under a faded yellow bandanna, and eyebrows really needed to be done. The way her bones stuck out, a passerby would think she’s dying of anorexia. Really, she was just naturally that thin. Some people would say she was lucky, but really, it was the exact opposite. Clothing doesn’t fit right, and she’s too frail to do anything active like sports (not that she had the time for that anyways). And, if she were being attacked by some man, there was no way she’d escape.
Yes, she could see why that boy had called her “Ma’am”. She looked like a thirty-year-old drug addict on a fix. Whatever.
After eating dinner, there wasn’t really that much to do. There was an English test she could study for, but who wants to do that on their only time off? Nope, instead, she would head back to her Spartan room and listen to one of the two stations she received on her radio. At least that’s what she was planning to do, until…
The phone rang, and it could be no one other than Sandy (Ani was with her only friend and Jenna was still at clarinet practice).
what's great about being a teenager is that you can change yourself as much as you like and nobody will say anything because they'll equate it to being a part of growing up




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I have to say that I sincerely enjoyed this. I really get the feel for Kate and her way of life. I would really like to read the rest of this story, if you are going to post the rest of it! I like it that she calls her mother by her first name, it gives the character an independent aura. Really excited to see how it develops!! I could picture this being a great story. If it were the prologue or first chapter of a book I would definitely read it!




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Hi! I'm JC and I'm going to be your reviewer for today.^^

"Katlyn, time to get up."
If it weren't for the rays of sunlight grazing her cheek, Kate would never have pried her eyes open. Hello Nora, morning John. From their place on her ceiling, they greeted her with smiles that never fade. The only two posters Kate's ever had, and she doesn't even know who John Lennon and Nora Roberts are (they were Christmas presents from Lucy). She put them there to cover up the weird stain that's been there since she and her family moved into this dump. They also helped lessen the completely bare and uninteresting vibe her room gave. She was not creative and lacked the funds for an interior designer.
Just another day, she thought. Calling out with a voice hoarse from waking up, "Mom, what's for breakfast?"


"Hello Nora, morning John." needs to be in italics since those are Kate's thoughts. Usually, unless the novel is in first person, you don't have text in parentheses. Of course there are exceptions (there are always exceptions) but I don't recommend it. Besides, the reader doesn't know who Lucy is yet so it can be a tad confusing :wink:

"...vibe her room gave" needs to be "vibe her room gave off"

Calling out with a voice , hoarse from waking up

She guessed she understood, what with her father leaving the four of them right after Ani was born. She never forgave him for that.


Err, this sounded like a beginning of an info dump! "What with her father leaving the four of them" is wordy and needs to be rewritten.

She didn't have the decency to wake me up on time? What is this?"
Now she's done for. She'd already missed first period. Immediately she threw on the first T-shirt she found (which was probably dirty) and the old, ripped jeans she wore yesterday, threw her hair up into a quick bun and stabbed it with a pencil.


Ahh! So many she's...try to minimalize the use of "she". Also, more emotion! C'mon, the poor girl just missed first period! I want to feel her distress! I want to feel her pain!

Upon the day of receiving her license, Kate was dubbed the family chauffer. Of course, money for gas did not come in the benefits package. Nope, that's what all of her babysitting money went to.
That doesn't even make sense. Babysit to receive money, and then spend all your money on gas to tote those same children around? That's a never-ending circle! It's like I'm not even getting paid at all! Fantastic.


Whoa!! Second to last sentence please. You used the word "I". I thought this was in third person? :P I love the sarcasm and voice but its a little startling considering the former tone of the story. I advise you to go ahead and change this whole story to first person. I think it would suit it well. But that's just my opinion.

Overall: Ok work. Try to fix up your sentences here and there but if you go ahead and make this first person so you can effectively show emotion, that would make this story a whole lot better!

Keep writing!

JC
Give hugs not bombs or whatever that saying says




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While I think a few things should definitely be reviewed, I'm interested in seeing Kate and her family fleshed out more. They have the building blocks to being strong characters but a few things were leaving me a bit confused.

I think there some bits and pieces that I assumed to be thoughts that should be in italics, such as:

"Oh! He’s talking, pay attention."

and

"He thought I was a Ma’am! Do I really look that old? We go to the same school for crying out loud!"

among others throughout the chapter. Also, assuming that these are thoughts, I found them to be a little awkward in some of the sentence. Try adding 'she thought' or a synonym for some of them. It doesn't have to be all of them, but just to see if that helps the paragraphs flow better.

The other big issue of confusion I had was on the tense. It seemed to jump back and forth between past and present tenses.

"...bandanna, and eyebrows really needed to be done. The way her bones stuck out, a passerby would think she’s dying of anorexia. Really, she was just naturally that thin. Some people would say she was lucky, but really, it was the exact opposite. Clothing doesn’t fit right, and she’s too frail to do anything active like sports (not that she had the time for that anyways). And, if she were being attacked by some man, there was no way she’d escape."

In this paragraph, as an example, in the sentence 'really, she was just naturally that thin' the tense indicator isn't the same as as the others in the paragraph and this causes a bit of confusion.

Another note on this paragraph as it's kind of scary that she's naturally 'anorexic lookingly' thin. I found that just a bit unrealistic. Perhaps she's been stressed and not eating as much, but I don't quite class that as the same as being 'naturally' like that.

One other unrealistic detail I found, considering that there are four women in the house, I found the slime in the bathtub to be over-exagerated. I can definitely see there being soap rings and build-up on it from neglect to cleaning, but slime is a bit much. Unless 'slime' is made to be an obvious over-exageration.

But the basis for good characters is there and you've already hinted at what's to happen in the future! Cnotinue writing!
'I finished a manuscript and my editor said "great, now rewrite it" and I said, man, I'll just photo copy it,' __Mitch Hedberg




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hey guys, thanks so much for reviewing this! im definatley taking all your suggestions into consideration and im working to make this less akward so you can enjoy it. :) I'll pm you whenever it is that i finally get the first chapter up..

which may be a while.
what's great about being a teenager is that you can change yourself as much as you like and nobody will say anything because they'll equate it to being a part of growing up



I'm officially making it my goal in life to become a roomba. I want to be little robot. I want knives taped to me. I want to be free.
— TheMulticoloredCyr