Traveller:Chapter1, Part 1 and Prolouge.

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This is my first piece, and I welcome any criticism.

In times long past, worlds were different. Each world was in someway connected to another. These connections were no secret, and were the first gateways. In time, these connections became literal gateways, as in a substantial entrance, like a door. The people of each world would travel freely. But, shadows were beginning to emerge. These were not like your typical shadow. These were beast and demons such as you could only see in the darkest nightmare of your darkest hour. They were vanquished by the heroes of old, yet they had already corrupted some. Those who had been corrupted were then named after those who had corrupted them. The Shadows sought to take over the gateways, and rule all worlds. The leader of the world of Anercien had known of their plans. He opened his worlds gateway as a trap. He sent them instead of to the world of their choice to a barren land, with no name. Then, King Gwyloni, for that was he, locked each gateway, and scattered the keys to all the remaining worlds. He also took the master key, the one to open the Shadow's world, and broke it into pieces, and sent it to the worlds as well. The pieces were disguised as something important to that world. He also appointed guardians to each piece, and they were the ones with the power to travel between worlds, and use the force of magic. These were the precautions taken.

For many years, peace was triumphant. Yet corruption existed still. And one of the guardians, Realmdrifters, as they were known, became corrupt, and sought to free the Shadows. For years, he was kept in his world, and a Realmdrifter was appointed to replace him, yet he retained his powers. At last, he escaped and got one piece of the master key. A team of young Realmdrifters was sent to capture him. But wait. Perhaps I should start at the beginning.



Chapter one


I was running through the grass towards my home. I was in a hurry because, as usual, I had forgotten the time. I was late coming from the amulet shop, were I worked. There had been a sale on the new amulet of love seekers. I lived in a small cottage with my mother, who was a healer, my father, a carpenter, and my younger bother. I was a boy of fourteen, with long dark brown hair. I had always been told I had "piercing" green eyes. I was about five foot two inches tall. We lived on the outskirts of a small village in Anercian's main province, Relicia. The village was called Callerna.

I rushed through the door, knocking over a pile of books. My brother, Narne, was quite messy, and was studying to be a healer like my mum was. I shook the herbs off my clothes, and continued to the table. My family was just beginning to eat.

My father said, "Mel, it's about time. Sit down and enjoy this stew your mother made."

I replied, "Of course. Why not? My mum can cook better than a professional in the palaces of Plenlia."

It was a common joke around the house. After sitting down to dinner, we went to the main room and lit a fire. It was time for Father's stories. Dad could tell the best stories, after he had been apprenticed to a bard. That, however, was not his calling, but he had learned much from it.

"Tonight," he began,"I tell you of the guardians of the worlds. I tell you of the Realmdrifters."

I had heard this before. I always liked it. I still did.

"The Realmdrifters are not like you and me. They can harness the powers of magic, like the wizards and master bards. Yet, they have no retaliation from the magic. They do not get dizzy or sick. This talent allows them to travel to all ten worlds. This is what sets them apart from everyone else. They guard each world.
"Once every three years, they will go to a meeting in the Anercian palace. There they discuss things not many know. It is said they will speak of the ways to fix problems in certain worlds. Another rumor states that they will speak of ancient problems that plague us still. Yet I know that they discuss..."

That was when my life was shattered forever.
Last edited by ANate145 on Tue May 19, 2009 11:20 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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New member I see! Welcome to YWS!

Now over all, I like the first chapter. As to whether its original or not, I can't say because I don't read much fantasy so I can't compare it. But I found it very interesting.

You prologue was actually more interesting than the 1st chapter. I liked the language you used, and the way the words flowed. We did get a LOT of information in just a couple of paragraphs, but that is okay becuae it was a prologue.

But later on, in Chapter 1, there was a major info dump. You started it off really nicely, revealing to us what the main character is like. He always forgets the time, and that hooked me as a reader. But as you explained the outer appearances of the character, it was irritating because you interrupted the flow by abruptly dumping info that was not exactly related to the rest of the writing. I suggest you continue building on the character's forgetfulness and introduce us to his family and himself in that way. For example why is he so worried that he's late? Will his mother be angry? Is she strict about timing? Is he scared that she'll be angry? Is she the type of person who would scold him for his tardiness? These are the types of question you can answer, because they're likely to be the kind that the reader is wondering about.

Showing Vs Telling

This is a term you will become familiar with as you spend more time on YWS. Basically you need to SHOW us rather than TELL us your story. SHOW us the the story by revealing the actions, the moods, the emotions of your feeling than TELLING us by writing it in a blatant and boring manner.

I highly recommend that you read this article written by a YWS member:

viewarticlebody.php?t=41426

I found show vs telling the only major problem with your writing.
But not to worry! Once you figure that out, you story will seem more like a story than a listing of facts.

So good luck with your story! Keep writing, learning and posting. If you post more of this, be sure to PM me. I would love to check it out.

-Zehra
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
--Ellen DeGeneres




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Over all, i think it was a good story, but it sounds a little like other stories i've read. It really sounds interesting, though. keep writing![/i]




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Thank you for giving me advice. I will try to put this in my writing.




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Hi! I really enjoyed reading this, it was quite interesting. While going through this I found no punctuation errors but a few minor miss-spellings :D


In times long past, worlds were different. Each world was in someway connected to another. These connections were no secret, and were the first gateways. In time, these connections became literal gateways, as in a substantial entrance, like a door. The people of each world would travel freely. But, shadows were [s]begining[/s] beginning to emerge. These were not like your typical shadow. These were beast and demons such as you could only see in the darkest nightmare of your darkest hour. They were vanquished by the heroes of old, yet they had already [s]corupted[/s] corrupted some. Those who had been [s]corupted[/s] corrupted were then named after those who had [s]corupted[/s] corrupted them. The Shadows sought to take over the gateways, and rule all worlds. The leader of the world of Anercien had known of their plans. He opened his world's gateway as a trap. He sent them instead of to the world of their choice to a barren land, with no name. Then, King Wenerin, for that was he, locked each gateway, and scattered the keys to all 10 remaining worlds. He also took the master key, the one to open the Shadow's world, and broke it into pieces, and sent it to the worlds as well. The pieces were disguised as something important to that world. He also appointed [s]gaurdians[/s] guardians to each piece, and they were the ones with the power to travel between worlds, and use the force of magic. These were the precautions taken.


For many years, peace was triumphant. Yet corruption [s]exsited[/s] existed still. And one of the [s]gaurdians[/s] guardians, Realmdrifters as they were known, became corrupt, and [s]saught[/s] sought to free the Shadows. For years, he was kept in his world, and a Realmdrifter was appointed to replace him, yet he retained his powers. At last, he escaped and got one piece of the master key. A team of young Realmdrifters was sent to capture him. But wait. Perhaps I should start at the [s]begining[/s] beginning.




Chapter one



I was running through the grass towards my home. I was in a hurry because, as usual, I had forgotten the time. I was late coming from the amulet shop, were I worked. There had been a sale on the new amulet of love seekers. I lived in a small cottage with my mother, who was a healer, my father, a carpenter, and my younger bother. I was a boy of fourteen, with long dark brown hair. I had piercing green eyes. I was about five foot two inches tall. We lived on the outskirts of a small village in Anercian's main province, Relicia. The village was called Callerna.


I rushed through the door, knocking over a pile of books. My brother, Narne, was quite messy, and was studying to be a healer like my mom was. I shook the herbs off my clothes, and continued to the table. My family was just [s]begining[/s] beginning to eat.


My father said, "Son, it's about time. Sit down and enjoy this stew your mother made."


I replied, "Of course. Why not? My mother can cook better than a [s]profesional[/s] professional in the palace."


It was a common joke around the house. After sitting down to dinner, we went to the main room and lit a fire. It was time for Father's stories. Father could tell the best stories, after he [s]ad[/s] had been apprenticed to a bard. That was not his calling, but he had learned [s]musch[/s] much from it.


"Tonight," he began,"I tell you of the guardians of the worlds. I tell you of the Realmdrifters."


I had heard this before. I always liked it. I still did.


"The Realmdrifters are not like you and me. They can harness the powers of magic, like the wizards and master bards. Yet, they have no [s]retalliation[/s] retaliation from the magic. They do not get dizzy or sick. This talent allows them to travel to all ten worlds. This is what sets them apart from everyone else. They guard each world.

"Once every three years, they will go to a meeting in the Anercian palace. There they discuss things not many know. It is said they will speak of the ways to fix problems in certain worlds. Another rumor states that they will speak of ancient problems that plague us still. Yet I know that they discuss..."


That was when my life was shattered forever.


Over all, something I'd buy in a bookstore if it was a full lengthed book ;)

Also in chapters to come, try making it a bit more original. Like give it your own personal flare. That's what makes a Fantasy!

Keep writing!

-Audy
Humans have a knack for choosing precisely the things that are worst for them.
~J.K. Rowling




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Do you want me to continue? Or should I post a rewrite of the story? Just a question.




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Hi there!
I'm aspiringyoungwriter!
What I want to point out first is that the first paragraph of your story was really good, I admit that you had me hooked. All you need to work on is spelling, but there were very few spelling errors in your story.
When you wrote: [b]and a Realmdrifter was appointed to replace him[/b], you should write: [b]and another Realmdrifter was appointed to replace him.[/b]
And when the boy(your main character?) is describing himself he shouldn't say 'I had piercing green eyes' it's kind of weird when he's describing his eyes as piercing.
Also when you talk about the main world you first wrote it as 'Anercien' then you later wrote it as 'Anercian' you need to decide and remember how you will write it.
Well I know I'm not good at giving criticism but anyway, I hope it helped(even just the tiniest bit!)!
“If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country.” -E.M. Forster




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Hey dude Its Klemintine that was soooo kool!! I soooo cant wait to read the rest of the series. =D




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Hi there.

I have to say I like the storyline here. It's the kind of fantasy that I like reading. At the moment the actual writing could be improved by showing rather than telling as mizz-iceberg said. It's good that we get to know what the character looks like, but you could streamline it a little so it's not such an info dump. If you give too much information at once it's hard to remember it all.

This is especially true for your prologue. I can't remember it because it was so much information in such a short time. It didn't have long enough to sink in. I can remember the events first chapter which is a good sign, although I'd still try and do more showing and less telling there too.

As for the characters, there's room for improvement. Even though it's the first chapter, you could still show some more of their personalities. It was good that you gave some of the parents' history such as the father being apprenticed to a bard and the mother being a very good cook.

One thing I would do is stop saying "mother" and "father". It's first person so it should be put the way the main character would see things; and I don't know any 14 year olds who refer to their parents that way. It should be mum (or mom if you're American) and dad. That would make him seem more real because the words: "Mother" and "Father", are quite emotionless and "technical" for want of a better word.

Also instead of his father referring to him as "son" he should use a name, whatever his name is. That would make his father seem more real, and would also be a way of showing the reader the character's name.

I'll use this as an example for my next peice of advice.
I was running through the grass towards my home.


When writing there are two "voices" you can use: Active and passive. Active is almost always the best way to go. This sentence is written in passive voice.

The active version would be: I ran through the grass towards my home

Active voice is more engaging to read, and should be used always unless there's a special reason or if it just doesn't sound right in active.

Changing passive voice to active is quick and easy to do, and greatly improves writing. It's easy to write in passive without thinking about it, but you can edit it quite painlessly. I didn't see a lot of passive voice in this peice, which was good, and a little passive voice is good, but having the first sentence in passive isn't the best way to begin a story.

Another nitpick is that in the first paragraph of chapter 1, 6 of the 9 sentences start with; "I". One of my old teachers called it I I syndrome when someone did this. It's hard sometimes to think of other ways to write these sentences, but it will read much smoother if you do. I often suffer from a similar disease; He He syndrome.

As for detail, I'd certainly add more. What does their house look like? When he's running home describe the feel of the long grass brushing past his ankles, how dark it is, how hot or cold it is. Are there any buildings, and if so what do they look like. The scenery around the village will do a lot to show what sort of place he has grown up in. Whether it is pristine or derelict. Poor or prosperous etc.

At the moment I feel distanced from this character, and to put it bluntly, I don't care for him, because he doesn't seem very human. Showing his feelings and describing the surroundings using his senses will make him seem real. One of the best ways to show personality is the way they interact with and speak to other people. A good place to do that would be at dinner. Insead of just mentioning they had dinner, you could put in a conversation they have over dinner. Of course you'll have to know your character well if you want the reader to. If you haven't thought about him much, do so. If you have, get the details down and it will be a much better read. Just avoid info dumps.

So. You have a good storyline, but rough writing, which is acceptable seing as it's probably a first draft anyway. Believe me, it's easier to fix what you've got than it is to fix a peice with good syntax and grammar but bad storyline.

One other thing. If the centrepoint of the storyline is some prophecy, I'd figure out a way to change it at this early stage. As soon as I hear the P word I scream because I hate it and it's cliche and its an excuse to make any old thing happen without logical reasoning. There should be a sound explanation for everything that happens, not something about an ancient prophecy that some bloke will save the world or whatever.

That's a personal opinion, but a very strongly held one and I'm sure a lot of people would agree. There are more original ways to move a plot forwards than by having it written in the stars. I don't know if that's what you planned but I'm just giving you a warning. Don't take offence or anything.

I hope this has been useful in both improving this peice and in furthering your literary knowledge.

Hippie
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A: At the shoez canal, lol.




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But, shadows were begining to emerge. These were not like your typical shadow.
The last line seems a bit amateurish to me, if you don't mind m e saying so. Any reader of fantasy is familiar with shadow metaphors, so it's not a stretch to think of malevolent entities or what not. Just my two cents.

They were vanquished by the heroes of old, yet they had already corrupted some
I have a feeling there will be more spelling mistakes, so I'm not going to bother correcting any more. It will suffice to say that all you have to do is use spell check before submitting a story. Don't feel bad, however, what really matters is the quality of the story and not the quality of your spelling. But it's still nice to polish your work before submitting, and it's essential if you want to be published.

I don't think you need a prologue in this book, although I will say it does succeed in giving the reader an idea what the book is about, so perhaps its not such a bad idea after all.


where I worked.


I had piercing green eyes
This sounds a bit too poetic for someone who is describing themselves. If it was a third-person POV, I think it would be okay. But even if I had "peircing eyes" I wouldn't say I did. It just too be pretentious, to my mind.

"The Realmdrifters are not like you and me. They can harness the powers of magic, like the wizards and master bards. Yet, they have no retalliation from the magic. They do not get dizzy or sick. This talent allows them to travel to all ten worlds. This is what sets them apart from everyone else. They guard each world.
"Once every three years, they will go to a meeting in the Anercian palace. There they discuss things not many know. It is said they will speak of the ways to fix problems in certain worlds. Another rumor states that they will speak of ancient problems that plague us still. Yet I know that they discuss..."


I would really love it you described the atmosphere of the story. That's what good story-telling is about, anyway, creating a vivid atmosphere. When you're around a good story-teller, you feel different. Life become can become more meaningful and significant. You feel strong emotions and are captivated. Talk about the timbre of the father's voice, his gesticulations, and create the atmosphere you want to create. If it's an epic tale, make the reader and the character astonished, or something. Whenever you give some credibility and you want the character live up to the credibility, convince the reader of it. Make the story seem more than mere words.


That was when my life was shattered forever.

I would use another line. It leaves the reader more confused than anything else.


I like some of the elements of this piece, the concept mainly. But there still remains some cliches. You don't give your MC any personality, for one thing. He just seems like a typical fantasy hero that's destined for great things. I already have an image in my mind what his journey will be like. Exciting things are evidently going to happen to this MC (who's name I don't even know), but would his life really be that interesting if exciting things didn't happen to him.

I'm sorry if I sound a bit cryptic. I suppose what I mean to say is, although the concept is interesting, the character- at this stage in the story, anyway-seem trite.

That's about all I can say, I think.




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Hiya! Here as requested!

These connections were no secret, and were the first gateways.


"First gateways" seems to imply that there were more built, but that's not elaborated on.

In time, these connections became literal gateways, as in a substantial entrance, like a door.


I'd rework this so "literal gateways" is explained earlier on. Right now, "as in a substantial entrance" seems a bit too much like friends talking. Which isn't usually a good thing in fiction, believe it or not.

Also, when you first mention gateways, you don't mention them being ephemeral (Meaning they don't have a substance). I'd explain that earlier on.

These were beast and demons such as you could only see in the darkest nightmare of your darkest hour.


The "darkest night/mare in your darkest hour" metaphor is a bit cliche. Use something a bit more original for better effect.

He sent them instead of to the world of their choice to a barren land, with no name.


"Of" is a really easy word to miss in a sentence. I'd rework this so the meaning of this sentence isn't riding on a single, easily missed, word.

then, King Gwyloni, for that was he,


"That was he" is a bit odd. It's not clear who he was.

And one of the guardians, Realmdrifters, as they were known, became corrupt,


"One of the guardians" seems to contradict the rest of the sentence. It implies that it's only one person, not a branch of guardians. "Realmdrifters" and "they" implies that it was a group.

I was running through the grass towards my home. I was in a hurry because, as usual, I had forgotten the time. I was late coming from the amulet shop, were I worked. There had been a sale on the new amulet of love seekers. I lived in a small cottage with my mother, who was a healer, my father, a carpenter, and my younger bother. I was a boy of fourteen, with long dark brown hair. I had always been told I had "piercing" green eyes. I was about five foot two inches tall. We lived on the outskirts of a small village in Anercian's main province, Relicia. The village was called Callerna.


You have a huge info dump here. You hit us with the MC, his usual situation, his workplace, his home, his mother, his mother's job, his father and father's jobs, siblings, the MC's age, how he looks, where he lives and the location of that village.

This is very bad.

See, too much info in one shot drives a reader away. Info dumps like this also have tendencies to be skimmed. Wince this is only the third paragraph, it's really not a good idea to hit us with so many descriptions at once.

I rushed through the door, knocking over a pile of books. My brother, Narne, was quite messy, and was studying to be a healer like my mum was. I shook the herbs off my clothes, and continued to the table. My family was just beginning to eat.


See the nit-pick above for this paragraph. Too much info all at once. It's not so bad here, because of the shorter length, but because we just got an info-dump before everything after that gives information reads as an info-dump.

I replied, "Of course. Why not? My mum can cook better than a professional in the palaces of Plenlia."

It was a common joke around the house.


Joke it may be, but readers might not get it. Explain this a bit more. ^_^

After sitting down to dinner, we went to the main room and lit a fire.


Don't you mean "after eating dinner"?

I had heard this before.


I'd add "story" or "tale" after "this"

"The Realmdrifters are not like you and me. They can harness the powers of magic, like the wizards and master bards. Yet, they have no retaliation from the magic. They do not get dizzy or sick. This talent allows them to travel to all ten worlds. This is what sets them apart from everyone else. They guard each world.
"Once every three years, they will go to a meeting in the Anercian palace. There they discuss things not many know. It is said they will speak of the ways to fix problems in certain worlds. Another rumor states that they will speak of ancient problems that plague us still. Yet I know that they discuss..."


~ Put a space between these two paragraphs.

~ I'd like a bit more description of the father here. Is he leaning into the story, puffing on a pipe? Make us be sitting at his feet with the MC.

That was when my life was shattered forever.


Good ending!

*

Info dumps: This is a problem here. You're hitting us with all the information at once, and it makes things boring. Have the reader slowly discover your characters as they move along. I'd say introduce only one character per paragraph. In that paragraph, explain things about that character (without giving us every, little, detail of their physical appearance as well as their jobs). Check out the Writing Tips section of the Knowledge Base for some good articles on description.

Sentence Structure: It gets really repetitive. Almost every sentence in here is a compound sentence (meaning there is more than one idea inside of it), and almost every sentence starts with a subject. Usually, the same subject. This gets boring to read. Mix up some sentence structure so that doesn't happen.

Overall: I found this to be too much information all at once. Spread some of this info out and slow down. Readers will enjoy more time on each idea so it's explained properly. Liven up your sentences, too, so they don't get so repetitive.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.



Adventure is worthwhile.
— Aesop