Demon of Night

I wrote this for Incognito and the Dreamwalker's Claw Against Fang contest. I don't really like the last stanza, so if you have any ideas for it, please share them. And, since one reviewer mentioned it, does anyone have any ideas on punctuation? I always have problems punctuating poems.

Chorusing howls
Hail the globular moon
As the beast prowls,
Relishing his doom.

Muscles of steel
And teeth that can kill
Give a powerful feel,
And an enhancement of skill.

Nothing can contain
The demon of night
Except one bullet's pain,
Though only silver will bite.

His imperial features
And frame built to maul
Command all the creatures,
Like a king would a thrall.

The cover of darkness
Is all the he needs
To show himself in starkness,
For he's a werewolf indeed.

This poem is pretty to the point and although it uses imagery it feels like it is forced, bland imagery. This is not always a negative thing, some poems work great with this and I'm on the fence about this one. I would at first suggest some punctuation correction and make sure you have more otherwise the poem feels unstructured when reading it to oneself. I'm really on the fence about this poem and that is probably the best advise I could give for it.

chipsandguacamollie wrote:I wrote this for Incognito and the Dreamwalker's Claw Against Fang contest. I don't really like the last stanza, so if you have any ideas for it, please share them.

Chorusing howls,
Hail the globular moon
As the beast prowls,
Relishing his doom.

Muscles of steel
And teeth that can kill
Give a powerful feel[s],[/s]
And an enhancement of skill.

Nothing can contain This is a little weird.
The demon of night
Except a specified pain,
Like a silver bullet's bite.

His imperial features
And long silky fur
Command all the creatures,
As a king would his serfs.

The cover of darkness
Is all that he needs
To show himself in starkness,
For he's a werewolf indeed.

You must check the rhyme if it works. It seems a bit forced here and in some places it's just wrong.

The whole nocturnal atmosphere didn't make me feel like I'm in a scary, but peaceful environment like it should.

3/10

Hehe Hiya

Arn't werewolves supposed to be scary? The way you describe them makes them sound like they are peaceful and that if you see one you shouldn't be afraid.

Serfs also does not rhyme with fur....

Besides that I like it, but I do agree with the other reviewers when they say that it seems forced.