Water and Glass

Ok, so Jon challenged me to write a poem about Water and Glass, that was about 15 lines and I had to do it in an hour. I have never written poetry in my life before this. I have no idea how poetry should be written or punctuated lol I was told I must post it haha

So here it is...



Where water and glass meet
My world falls apart
The tainted water that touches his lips
Can change a man forever

Where water and glass meet
Is the end of my innocence.
I can no longer rely on him
To be the man he once was

Where water and glass meet
I see two men
One who is poisoned by water
The other, too weak to keep fighting

Where water and glass meet
I lose him
The most important man in my life
Someone who I am meant to look up to

Where water and glass meet
My father disappears
And I am alone.

Thanks for checking it out

Becki! You can too write poetry! I thought this was quite nice, actually. Not sure if you wanted a full, in-depth review, but I'll just give you some genereal comments and opinions.

I loved the direction you took with this, actually. It was incredibly creative, and I think every writer manipulates prompts to fit their writing, so no worries there.

The only thing that slightly bothered me was how the water was being mentioned instead of what it really was-- wine. Alcohol. Right? I realize that this was a prompt given to you with the word 'water' in it, though, so that I can understand. You might consider just putting 'tainted water' at the beginning and 'wine' everywhere else, if you ever take this beyond the prompt. Because water isn't really what's destroying your father.

So! I'm sorry for what a truly horrible review this is, dear, but I'm being forcibly dragged off the computer because I must do something productive. Good luck, and forgive me!

~Evi

That was a metaphorically nice poem even though I don't really get the thing about where water and glass meet. This was original, which is why I like it so much. It would sound better if it rhymed, but alas, it's still beautiful. Good job.

beckiw wrote:Where water and glass meet
My world falls apart Nice picture, but still..how can your world fall apart where water and glass meet?
The tainted water that touches his lips
Can change a man forever

Where water and glass meet I checked if this repetition works with the rest of a poem..it doesn't.
Is the end of my innocence. What? You don't just take a word and put it in front of something and say it's good. How can that be end of your innocence?
I can no longer rely on him
To be the man he once was

Where water and glass meet
I see two men
One who is poisoned by water "Waters" don't work...
The other, too weak to keep fighting

Where water and glass meet
I lose him
The most important man in my life
Someone who I am meant to look up to

Where water and glass meet
My father disappears
And I am alone.

Some parts are missing like:rhyme...some rhythm, punctuation. People should never be forced to write if they don't want to.

3/10

for someone who claims to have never written poetry before, that was really good. but what does it mean? every time i was reading it <i reread it like 5 times> i kept on thinking that maybe it was about drinking? and how you would lose your father metephorically to that? im not sure. i liked the repetition of the first line in each stanza. it was a good, flowing free verse.

It is about my dad and his alcoholism and how he is loosing the person he is I guess or how I am seeing the dad I once new disappear. Because he becomes a different person when he is controlled by the drink/water.

Becki! No, I was totally not creapily browsing through your portfolio. xD I thought this was amazing, Beckerz.

beckiw wrote:Where water and glass meet
My world falls apart Period here.
The tainted water that touches his lips
Can change a man foreverPeriod here as well.

Where water and glass meet
Is the end of my innocence.This is phrased a bit awkwardly. Try something like "I find the end of my innocence.
I can no longer rely on him
To be the man he once was Period here.

Where water and glass meet
I see two men There should be a colon here.
One who is poisoned by water
The other, too weak to keep fighting Period.

Where water and glass meet
I lose him Em dash here.
The most important man in my life Comma here.
Someone who I am meant to look up to Period here.

Where water and glass meet
My father disappears
And I am alone.

So that's it for little grammatical nitpicks. You went in a really interesting direction here. I like the metaphor, and the sort of oxymoron. Like water's what makes us live, and yet it's the very thing that's destroying your father.
You pulled off the repetition really well, which is a difficult thing to do (it always sucks when I try). Nice job.
Yes, I realize this is really suckish, but your poem was filled with awesomesauce, and how can I possibly hope to make awesomesauce any more awesome? Great job Becki.

One word: Beautiful!
^_^

First of all, if anyone says great writers can only write one kind of thing, its a hot lie!!! For your first poem, you did better than awesome.

I don't know what you write normally, but you are definitely a really good story-teller. I like the way you "turned water into wine" and the way your story unfolded. Quite captivating.

Unfortunately, I have an argument with you. Somewhere in the middle it's very easy to get lost. Because I don't know, the flow gets sort of complex and turns the wave to a zig-zag line. Especially if you don't read poetry often.

Still its your first poem, so I think you did a wonderful job and deserve a double thumbs up.

Happy writing.

Wow, that was amazing...

The first two lines really hit you. It's really meaningful, and you don't guess that you're talking about a father until the very end.

The punctuation isn't all there, but it's so easy to learn where to put what and Explosive_Pen has done it for you

The tainted water that touches his lips
Can change a man forever

Something about these lines just seem off to me. I think it has something to do with the "es" after touch. Oh, I figured it out! Uhm, you don't have to bother about this, it just sounds better to me, so I thought maybe it could to you too.

The tainted waters that touch his lips
Can change a man forever

I know that isn't really a correction...but there isn't really much to correct I don't know, just flows better in my head.

Anyway, you most certainly can write poetry and I would like it very much if you wrote some more. You're clearly very talented

Have a great day

~^~Chelsea~^~

Wonderful poem. At first I didn't understand about the water and glass, but now I do. You're a great poet!