midnight blue

Chapter 1 New girl in town


I grew up in Sacramento, California and i always wanted to see what snow looked like or where there were less earthquake that always happened around here. Oh i forgot to introduce my self my name is Marissa Taylor but i go bye Marcy my mom is a cook who had her own catering business and divorced my dad when i was about four years old my mom remarried a guy named Ray he was a football coach it wasnt for anything big he managed a varsity team for high school. My mom's name is Summer. When they first got married they were talking about if i should move in with my dad Dennis or not. So after the wedding i decided to move in with Dennis. My mom took me to the airport, "You know Marcy you don’t have to do this." she told me as we were entering the airport. i started to sigh while talking, "Mom, its time for me to do different things im almost seven-teen you know." "I know but I will miss you." she started to hug me. "Mom, Ill miss you too!" I began to sob almost. I started to walk onto the plane she shouted back at m, "Be safe and stay out of trouble!" i turned and started to nod my head. I walked towards my seat and stared out the window glaring at her as I waved good-bye, I could tell she was about to cry. I buckled up and i waited until the we started to land. I met my dad Dennis by the entrance of the airport with my bags to go. I got into the passenger seat and he slammed the door shut behind me. As we passed by he told me the school i was going to, "what is it called?" I asked curiously as the rain began to hit the glass on the car. "Its called West High School." "Oh." I mumbled to myself. A while past as we passed the sign that welcomed us to Appleton, Wisconsin. Dennis drove up to a restaurant where he was meeting one of his friends and friends son, his Mason who was about my age started to smile as we got out. "Hey Dennis!" they both said as they approached. Dennis replied back "This is my daughter Marcy if you don’t remember her from some of the summers.” Then Mason and I started to talk while we all waited for our food. "So Mason what is it like living out here?" "Its kind of fun out here, why?" He smiled at me while asking, "I was just wondering." we continued to laugh and talk for a little bit. And then we all said bye to each other and he drove me back to his house and helped me carry my bags up to my room. I opened the door and looked around, "So, this is where im sleeping?" "Yeah, it hasn’t really changed in here." "hmmm...." I said mumbling. "Well make yourself at home." "Ok." I smiled and shut the door as he left. Dennis called me out to the yard and showed me my new car which was a nine-teen eighties pick-up truck. "wow dad! where did you get it?" "I got it from Mason's dad Cliff." "cool.. hey dad what did you say you were again?" "Im a doctor Mar's!" I nodded and went back to my room and opened up a good-bye present from my best friend Clara. And I listened to the music and fell asleep. As i was half asleep I felt something touch my foot I woke up and I though I saw someone. It then flew out my window. I ran towards the window and looked around and it was just a clear blue night and it was already midnight. I closed my window and I saw someone’s reflection. I turned around and no one was there I looked back out the window and saw someone standing there I blinked twice and he was gone. I started to freak out and i fell back to sleep still shaking.

just so everyone knows this is my very first so i hope you like it please tell me if you like it

First of all, I live by Appleton, Wisconsin. Just thought I'd tell you that. Onto the review. My correction are in bold and comments in italics.

I grew up in Sacramento, California and i always wanted to see what snow looked like, or where there were less earthquakes [s]that always happened around here[/s] then around here. Oh, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Marissa Taylor but, I go by[s]e[/s] Marcy. My mom is a cook who had her own catering business and divorced my dad when I was about four years old. My mom remarried a guy named Ray he was a football coach. It wasn't [s]for[/s] anything big he managed a varsity team for high school. This is starting to sound a lot like Twilight. My mom's name is Summer. When they first got married they were talking about if I should move in with my dad, Dennis or not. So, after the wedding I decided to move in with Dennis. My mom took me to the airport, "You know Marcy you don’t have to do this." she told me as we were entering the airport. I started to sigh while talking, "Mom, its time for me to do different things [s]im[/s] I'm almost seventeen you know." Make a new paragraph here"I know but I will miss you." she started to hug me.Make a new paragraph here "Mom, Ill miss you too!" [s]I began to sob almost.[/s] I felt tears in my eyes.I started to walk onto the plane, she shouted back at me, "Be safe and stay out of trouble!" I turned and started to nod my head. I walked towards my seat and stared out the window glaring at her as I waved good-bye, I could tell she was about to cry. I buckled up and [s]i[/s] waited until the we started to land.Make a new paragraph here I met my dad, Dennis by the entrance of the airport with my bags [s]to go[/s]. I got into the passenger seat and he slammed the door shut behind me. As we passed by he told me the school I was going to, "What is it called?" I asked curiously as the rain began to hit the glass on the car. "Its called West High School." Make a new paragraph here "Oh," I mumbled to myself. Make a new paragraph here[s]A while past [/s] After awhile[s]as[/s] we passed the sign that welcomed us to Appleton, Wisconsin. Dennis drove up to a restaurant where he was meeting one of his friends and friends son, [s]his[/s] Mason who was about my age started to smile as we got out. "Hey Dennis!" they both said as they approached. Dennis replied back "This is my daughter Marcy if you don’t remember her from some of the summers.” Then Mason and I started to talk while we all waited for our food. "So Mason what is it like living out here?" Make a new paragraph here"Its kind of fun out here, why?" He smiled at me while asking.Make a new paragraph here "I was just wondering." We continued to laugh and talk for a little bit. [s]And[/s] Then we all said bye to each other and he drove me back to his house and helped me carry my bags up to my room. I opened the door and looked around, "So, this is where [s]im[/s]I'm sleeping?"Make a new paragraph here "Yeah, it hasn’t really changed in here." Make a new paragraph here"Hmmm...." I [s]said mumbling[/s]mumbled[/b]. "Well, make yourself at home." Make a new paragraph here"Ok." I smiled and shut the door as he left.Make a new paragraph here Dennis called me out to the yard and showed me my new car which was a nineteen eighties pick-up truck. "Wow dad! Where did you get it?" Make a new paragraph here"I got it from Mason's dad Cliff." Make a new paragraph here"Cool.. hey, dad what did you say you were again?" Make a new paragraph here"I'm a doctor Mar's!" I nodded and went back to my room and opened up a good-bye present from my best friend Clara. And I listened to the music and fell asleep. As I was half asleep I felt something touch my foot I woke up and I thought I saw someone. It then flew out my window. I ran towards the window and looked around and it was just a clear blue night and it was already midnight. I closed my window and I saw someone’s reflection. I turned around and no one was there I looked back out the window and saw someone standing there I blinked twice and he was gone. I started to freak out and I fell back to sleep still shaking.

Alright, here are some things you really need to work on.

1. You need to seperate this into paragraphs. Right now, it's just one big paragraph.
2. This moved way to fast. One moment she was in her room, the next she's outside. Slow down and add detail so we know what's going on.
3. This is way to much like Twilight. It's basically the same story with a few changes. In Twilight, Bella's mom remarries and Bella moves in with her dad. That's the same thing that happened in your story. I think that Mason is kind of like Jacob in Twilight. Try to add some more twists so it isn't the same.
4. Use commas, and try not to have so many run-on sentences.

Sorry if that was a little harsh. Keep writing!

ok let me re write and ill post it again tomorrow and see if its less like twilight and thanks for the review it wasnt to harsh

Heyy,

I think that mhmmcolleenx0 covered most of the line by line reviews so I'll spare you on that . This sounded like it came right from the first chapters of Twilight, but with different character names. Try to add a little originality... it will make your story a whole lot more interesting and easier for people to enjoy your writing. I'll look for the edited and revised version tomorrow.

Best of luck
~Dommy

So basically people have pretty much already covered everthing but just to add a few little things.

The most important thing is you need to divide this into paragraphs not one massive one.
Also remember before posting to look for typos. There was a lot a i's and then and some places there were I's.

For one of your first pieces this is pretty good but you have to make sure that it is your own thing. As I am Twilight obsessed, with a majority of the rest of the world, this a practially taking everything but changing the names and not going into as much detail.

That's pretty much it. It would be interesting to see the re-writen one.

Well, there isn't much left for me to say you guys pretty much covered it all !
I think if you make a few changes to it it would be really great.
I can't wait to read the edited version, let me know when you have it posted!