Blood

Blood


The waterfall comes pouring down,
Elegantly reflecting the sky,
Morning, warning, death
As the scene is a full on lie.

It is meant to be short and simple.

^_^ Hey, Lizzie. I think it was Lizzie, right? Oh, forgive me if I'm wrong. D:

Anyways, after reading this through ONCE I get a really nice image. I can accept it for the length that it is, but I think that if you have something this length, you need to make sure that all the words you use are being used to their full potential. If you want four lines to carry the meaning of something that could be dragged out into a whole BOOK of poetry, you have to make it fabulous! =D

The waterfall comes pouring down,

Elegantly reflecting the sky,

Morning, warning, death

As the scene is a full on lie.

That being said, I'm going to try to kick you off adverbs. Everyone does it. Everyone loves adverbs! I definitely love adverbs~ xD They just seem like the right words to sprinkle in to make everything seem so much more unique, right? But we should really try to avoid them and challenge ourselves to say what we mean without them. Like elegantly -- there are so many different definitions of elegance that, although it attempts to set the mood, it just causes more confusion. D:

Also, I don't like the 'comes pouring' in the first line. I think you could make this poem more immediate and intense if you said 'the waterfall pours down/ reflects the sky.'

Going back to using EVERY single word in a poem as short as this 'a full on' is really just fluff. If you say it's a lie, it's a lie. It's a complete lie because you didn't modify the word lie. It's a lie, not a fib, not a tale, a lie. You don't need to fluff it! And 'as' is kind of a fluffer too, unless I'm just missing the meaning to it.

Anyways, I think you can consider reworking this to be more solid and less fluffy.

Let me know if you have any questions or if you ever want me to review anything else! =D My inbox is totally open~

Good work~ I look forward to reading more. C:

-Hannah-

Hannah wrote:^_^ Hey, Lizzie. I think it was Lizzie, right? Oh, forgive me if I'm wrong. D:

Anyways, after reading this through ONCE I get a really nice image. I can accept it for the length that it is, but I think that if you have something this length, you need to make sure that all the words you use are being used to their full potential. If you want four lines to carry the meaning of something that could be dragged out into a whole BOOK of poetry, you have to make it fabulous! =D

The waterfall comes pouring down,

Elegantly reflecting the sky,

Morning, warning, death

As the scene is a full on lie.

That being said, I'm going to try to kick you off adverbs. Everyone does it. Everyone loves adverbs! I definitely love adverbs~ xD They just seem like the right words to sprinkle in to make everything seem so much more unique, right? But we should really try to avoid them and challenge ourselves to say what we mean without them. Like elegantly -- there are so many different definitions of elegance that, although it attempts to set the mood, it just causes more confusion. D:

Also, I don't like the 'comes pouring' in the first line. I think you could make this poem more immediate and intense if you said 'the waterfall pours down/ reflects the sky.'

Going back to using EVERY single word in a poem as short as this 'a full on' is really just fluff. If you say it's a lie, it's a lie. It's a complete lie because you didn't modify the word lie. It's a lie, not a fib, not a tale, a lie. You don't need to fluff it! And 'as' is kind of a fluffer too, unless I'm just missing the meaning to it.

Anyways, I think you can consider reworking this to be more solid and less fluffy.

Let me know if you have any questions or if you ever want me to review anything else! =D My inbox is totally open~

Good work~ I look forward to reading more. C:

-Hannah-

It is actually supposed to confuse people this poem, it's a mystery, the waterfall is blood, reflecting the sky, thats why it says Morning -as in reds sky in the morning- warning death, I hope you get it now, and it's awkward me explaining it, but I hope you understand now, thanks for the suggestions, i'll try fitting them in.

I really like it!
That being said, Hannah has a point with the elimination of fluff. This is especially true because of the length. You only have a few lines to impress people and explain yourself~ so precision precision precision!
Anyway~ g'luck and keep writing!

I really like this poem, short, simple and the quick imagery was great. Good work. The only thing I have to say is that maybe you should think about revising it so that it is more symmetrical syllable-wise. Other than that, good job.

In a way, shorter poems can be more difficult because you have to get right to making your point. This was really good though! I totally got the imagery and stuff, and like others mentioned before, just sort of tweaking those little things will really help imrpove it.