The Rose Game

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Gender Female
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When I open my study door in the library there's a lavender rosebud greeting me by the door. I look out into the sea of books before I pick it up, sniffing it before placing the crystal vase it's nestled in on by my books. I spot the card attached to it, and read the message, simple and clear. “Enchantment.” I turn the card over and peer at the writing written on it. “Curious? Do you remember where we met?” I smile before grabbing my books and heading out the door.

I don't remember how I ended up going to a local college, but I think he talked me into it. I get in the car and drive to my high school. School has let out for the summer, but I still see the flash of color by the main entrance. It's another rose, this one a crystal blue, the same color as his eyes. I open the purple card to read “The impossible, The unattainable.” I turn the card over, and am surprised to find a key taped to the back. I take the key and open the doors to the high school, where by the attendance check-in booth I see another rose, this one yellow with red shades at the ends.

“Friendship, Falling in love,” it says. I turn it over. “I see I have you caught. Too old to remember the room number?” I smile.

“Of course I remember that room. It's the one where I had to sit and stare at you every day,” I murmur, heading towards that wing of the high school,finding the exact door, because of the rose. This one is orange, and I read the card. “Desire.” On the back, the card reads “Now go to that fateful stairwell.” I turn my heel and go towards the stairwell by the library, where we first kissed.

I see another rose, this one in a large vase, meant for other flowers to hold. This rose is Peach, and the card reads, “Closing the deal, Let's get together.” The back has a small smiley face, and it makes me smile in return.

“Typical,” I mutter to myself. The rest reads, “Where I had to say goodbye.” I sigh, and close my eyes and walk to his department's office. In front of that door lies a black rose, with a card that reads, “Farewell.” The back says, “Where I saw you once again...” I smile at that memory. He had seemed so startled to see me, even though I till went to the same school. It walk to the gyms, where in the middle of the hallway lies a yellow rose. I put that one and my black on in the vase with the others, and I read the inside of the card, which says, “Welcome back. Jealousy.” The last word makes me laugh. He was so angry when he saw me flirting with one of the guys on the volleyball team that day it made him come out of his shock at seeing me. I flip the card over.

“Where I fell in love,” it reads. I bite my lip. Where did that happen? I sigh and go back to the main hallways again, passing through one of the cafeterias on the way. I open my eyes wide. There on one of the tables was a rose! I go over to it, one in a deep red, this one completely thornless. I open the inside of the card. “Love at first sight.” I smile and turn to the back. “Where you became mine.” Quickly I put the rose in the vase, now becoming a mismatched crew, and head to the private study areas.

When I arrive at the small cubicle where he took me, I see another rose, and I wonder how long this game will continue. This one is peach colored rose, with the words “Closing the deal, Let's get together,” making me blush. On the back it reads, “Go to the waterslide.” I laugh to the air about this one and go down to the basement science rooms, where the senior prank was making a waterslide out of the hallway. I was wearing a bikini top and board shorts, riding along the massive tides, and managed to pull him down with me.

I find a rose in the middle of the hallway, this one a pure white. The note reads “Purity, Innocence, Youthfulness.” The backs is a message that makes me smile. “Remember when we almost got caught?” I think back to that one. I was skipping gym and he had a free period that day, and we met behind a stairwell. We were kissing, and we were almost caught by one of the monitors patrolling around the hallways. Terrifying at the time, but they never found out what had happened. I think back and go up by the math wings stairs, the one furthest from his office. Sitting on the stairs is him...

“You found me,” he says simply. I sit in his lap and hiss him quickly as he wraps his arms around me.

“More like you led me here,” I say to him. “Interesting game, but won't you get in trouble for giving me a key?”

“No, just lifted it from the janitor before school went out for the summer, and there are no cameras...” he shrugs.

“My little miscreant,” I say, giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. “What was with the hunt?”

“All of the things inside the card are what the colors of the rose means. Lavender for enchantment, white for purity, youthfulness, innocence. Catching on?” He smiles. “I knew you'd get the clues eventually. And they just fit so perfect with...us.”

“So orange really means...?” I trail off with a blush and he smiles.

“Yep. Exactly that,” he says. “Let's close the deal.” I kiss him and he holds me close.

“Then what about the thornless one? When were we in that cafeteria?” I ask.

“That was Freshman Orientation, remember?” He says, nuzzling my nose. I gasp.

“But it was so long ago!” I say. “I barely even connected that you would be my teacher that year!”

“You caught my eye,” he says to me. “You were the prettiest student I've ever taught.” I blush.
“I have something else for you.”

“What more than all of these roses?” I ask with a smile, holding out the vase.

“This one,” he says, locking eyes with me, holding out the single red rose. A sparkle catches my eye, and I look closer in the petals, seeing a perfect diamond. I pull it out to reveal a ring.

“Will you marry me?” He asks. “I would get down on my knees, but...” I laugh and hold out my hand.

“Will you put it on me?” I ask, and he takes the ring, delicately slipping it on my finger. I look at it close, a silver band with the square diamond the only ornament on it. “It's perfect.”

“I hoped you would like it,” he says, wrapping his arms around my waist again.

“I love it,” I say.

“Good game?” He asks. I laugh.

“I couldn't ask for a better one,” I say before leaning down and kissing him once more.

Reviews are loved.




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Gender Female
Points 60568
Reviews 537
Aww! So, nutmegan, this was a nice little story. You wrote it well, and there were no grotesque grammar issues. Although, I think you could do with reading this aloud to yourself and inserting commas where you hear a pause. It's easier for your reader to enjoy a story if it has a flow, and commas can help you achieve that.

So, I hope this isn't going to be continued? It's a sweet little love story as it is, and I think you'd do best just to edit it a bit and leave it as it is. My suggestions:

:arrow: Emotion

So, here's the irony-- you have a love story, complete with emotions actually written on little cards. This is good; in fact, you've given yourself loads of oppurtunities to insert this emotion. However, as I read this, there's nothing apparently wrong with it. You've tried to add emotion, I can tell. You have our MC's reactions to each card, which is better. You even let us inside her mind after each card, and we're sucked into a well-told memory. So, then, what's it lacking?

All in all, it seems a bit robotic. Fast-paced. You obviously can write, and this was a cute little idea with a characters we can like and relate to. But where is the passion, I wonder? What is there to love about this wonderful guy who's leading her to him? He's obviously clever-- mention that. But why else should we like him as much as your girl narrator does? Put in that deep, burning love, darling. Make us feel the bond they have for each other.

:arrow: Description

I feel like there is a sheet of glass between your MC and me, seperating us so that I can't melt into the story like I need to. I can't see this high school. I can't feel the rose petals. Why? Because you haven't described them to us. Besides location of rooms and color of flowers, what else is there? The velvety texture of petals against skin? The familiar draft that always blows through the Science Hall? Drag us into your story by making us feel what your character is feeling. towards the end, when she is seated on his lap, is his grip comforting and warm? Can she feel his breath on her neck, can she feel his chest rise and fall with every breath? What about the ever-famous twinkle in his eyes?

See? We can't know these people or these places unless you take us there.

:arrow: Characters

They're likable, honestly. In a short story it's hard to characterize, so I won't dwell on this too much, but I think you've managed to do this well. you give us enough background information on their relationsip to satisfy them, but not so much that we're dorwning in an info-dump. Kudos!

:arrow: So, as long as you add some description and heighten up the emotion, I think you have a nice little innocent love story! Te touch about the color of the roses was very nice, might I add. :wink: If you'd like any more opinions, or want me to take a look at an edit, feel free to PM me.

~Evi
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.



No great thing is created suddenly. There must be time. Give your best and always be kind.
— Epictetus