Diaries of a Teenage Vampire: Chapter Two

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Chapter Two


"I just feel like there’s something different about me.” I said my voice trailing off.

“Well no use thinking about it now. Come on let’s go.”

“OK,” I said my voice still trailing.


We hopped into Silvia’s old pickup truck she got from her dad for her “sweet”sixteen.
It still ran (barely) but the paint was chipped, the right head light needed replacing, the brakes squeaked, and the back end was covered from top to bottom in many layers of bumper stickers.

As soon as I got in I put the visor down and my sunglasses on.
I didn’t really know why, it wasn’t even that sunny out. Habit I guessed.

“Man, I need new snow tires for this thing.” Silvia said somewhat annoyed as we slid out of the drive way.

“What month is it again?” I asked.

“April I think.” she said shivering.

“Why is it snowing in April!?” I asked, “Correction hailing.”

“I don’t know but it is really annoying!”

We rode in silence for awhile, I was bored and I didn’t feel like talking so I reached over and turned on the radio. I pushed the buttons for awhile until I heard Avril Lavigne singing Girlfriend. I immediately started humming along.

“Eww how can you listen to that?!” Silvia said in disgust.

Truth was I didn’t know why, I mean I hated it but it was somehow addicting.

“If you must hum, hum to this.” Silvia said as she popped in a Panic at the Disco CD.

“Ahh much better.” she sighed as I Write Sins Not Tragedies started to play.

“You’re right!” I aged as I started humming again.

It was about a half hour later when we finally got to school.

“Man I’m glad we don’t have to walk anymore.” I said as I saw a group of shivering teenage girls in mini skirts coming up the steps.

“Ya but it would help if they wore real clothes.” I said.

We both laughed. Then ran inside and I went directly to my locker.

“A damb! I forgot my key again!”

“Oh don’t worry,” Silvia said as she got a bobby pin out of her hare and quickly undid the lock.

“I swear you could rob a bank if you wanted to with toughs skills.” I said,

“Ya but we don’t want any more cops after us than their already are.”

We both laughed again,
It felt good to laugh, it helped my get threw some tough times.

When we finely got to class I took my usual seat next to Silvia in the back of the room.(Nether of us was vary popular.)

I tried to avoided it but if the teacher asked me a question I would ether try and answer it or simply say;
“If you don’t know go look it up on the internet, it’s not just for porn you know.”
I got many a detention because of this, but it didn’t matter, it’s not like any one really cared. Except Silvia, I know at least she cared.

After history AKA the teacher (I think he was ancient history),we had math AKA nap time, then science AKA nerd zone, then lunch AKA reselling arena, then gym AKA anger management, , then English AKA touchier camber. I really liked Writing poetry and every thing we wrote in English class, but when the teacher asked if I wanted to share what I wrote with the class I always said “no” but then she would take my paper and read it to the class herself and well, that was the worst thing she cold do to me.

“Now class, let’s see what Miranda has written for us,”

PANE

People making fun of my because I'm different,

A darken crowd that blocks my sun,

No one knows no one cares,

Every day's a lie and you can not hide it.



When she finished reading it to the class I sunk low in to my char. I wanted to disappear, I wanted to run away, I almost wanted to die.

When school was over Silvia and I started home.
Right after we got in the car Silvia turned to my and said,

“You know it cold have been worse.”

“Ya? Like how?“ I said.

“Well… she cold have read your journal.”

“Ya, well it was just as personal!” I protested.

“I know,” she said. “Let’s go out for ice cream!”

“OK,” I said still modified by the exosphere of my inner feeling to the world.
Last edited by hippie_vampire on Sun Mar 29, 2009 10:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“There are many thing people have claimed can not be true and yet nearly all of them have ether been true to begin with or been made true by thous stubborn enough to ignore them.”-Scientist 666 from my 2009 NaNoWriMo novel.




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The second chapter is a bit better then the first. It was less repetitive, and you had more then just dialog. Don't be afraid to put descriptions of things in. Describe the characters, the setting, the world around them. It'll bring a depth to your story and make it more real. Yeah, dialect is needed in a story, but it's too much when its all you really have. Sorry.
Why does believe have the word lie in it?

*like the line in my dp? Check out my one poem: "In Repair". I made the dp to match the poem.




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[quote]“ I just feel like there’s something different about me,” I said, my voice trailing off.

“Well, no use thinking about it now. Come on, let’s go.”

“OK,” I said, my voice still trailing,


We [s]hoped[/s] hopped into Silvia’s old pickup truck she got from her dad for her “sweet”[s]16[/s] sixteen.
It still ran (barely) but the [s]pant[/s] paint was chipped, the right head light needed replacing, the brakes squeaked, and the back end was covered from top to bottom in many [s]lairs[/s] layers of bumper stickers.

As soon as I got in I [s]pout[/s] put the visor down and my sunglasses on.
I didn’t really know why, it wasn’t even that sunny out. Habit, I guessed.

“Man, I need new snow [s]tiers[/s] tires for this thing.” Silvia said, somewhat annoyed as we slid out of the drive way.

“What month is it again?” I asked.

“April, I think,” she said shivering.

“Why is it snowing in April!?” I asked, “Correction, hailing.”

“I don’t know, but, it is really annoying!”

We rode in silence for awhile, I was bored, and I didn’t feel like talking, so, I reached over and turned on the radio. I pushed the buttons for awhile until I heard Avril Lavigne singing Girlfriend. I immediately started humming along.

“Eww, how can you listen to that?!?” Silvia said in [s]discus[/s] disgust.

[s]Troth[/s] Truth was I didn’t know why, I mean I hated it but it was somehow addicting.

“If you must hum, hum to this.” Silvia said as she popped in a Panic at the Disco CD.

“Ahh, much better.” she [s]side[/s] sighed as I Write Sins Not Tragedies started to play.[quote]

Okay, so , there are too many errors to do all of them. You had some problems with comma placing. And there were quite a few spelling errors. Try to use the spell check next time. Like Muffin said, you used a lot of dialogue and basically no description. Describe the characters and the atmosphere. It helps the reader paint a picture in their head. So, I hope the helped. Check out the knowledge base to learn about commas and other punctuation because you had some problems with that. This was interesting, you just need to fix some stuff.
"Can't stop, won't stop. I must be dreaming."




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Hey, Hippie, it's Dream again. I'll be your reviewer for the day.

Caution: I'm about to tear this thing to shreds. You have been warned.

First thing's first. All the spelling and grammar mistakes contained within this one little chapter was a little hard to believe. You mispelled simple words like group and personal. You also left out some words. Ex:
“Ya but it would help if they wore really clothes.”

These are just little, itty-bitty mistakes, but they are scattered everywhere, all over the page. Not good, my friend. Not only does this make it obvious that you didn't read over the chapter at all, it draws away from the story altogether. It makes the reader focus more on all the mistakes than what's actually happening. It also gave me the feeling that you were in a rush to write this.

These errors can easily be fixed with revision. Honestly, you don't need the other reviewers on this site to point out the mistakes that stick out like a sore thumb. Word of advice: revise, revise, revise. I'm pretty sure you can do that all on your own.

Secondly, I still felt like I was reading a script. It lacks detail. It doesn't have all the description that a novel is supposed to have. In my mind, the characters were just floating in a black space, and their faces/expressions were all blurred up. Description is supposed to clear these clouds up, paint a picture, let us see. I suggest you take this chapter and add in all the missing jigsaw peices.

Third - and this is an opinion I have on the plot - I didn't really see...a point. There were these little bits and peices that I didn't think were necessary. For example:
“Eww how can you listen to that?!?” Silvia said in discus.

Troth was I didn’t know why, I mean I hated it but it was somehow addicting.

“ I just feel like there’s something different about me.” I said my voice trailing off.

“Well no use thinking about it now. Come on let’s go.”

“OK,” I said my voice still trailing,

Didn't think it added much to the story at all, except - perhaps - a look into the main character's personality (which I'm going to talk about later). I'm starting to wonder whether this vampire story has any significance or if it's just filled with minor details, which was kind of the impression I got from this reading this chapter. Don't get deviated from the plotline, no matter how important you might think these features are.

Fourth, the main character. Sigh. Sigh, sigh, sigh. She's just so "bleh". She makes a point of being depressed and hating everybody at school and no one understands her, but to me she sounds like one of those typical, annoying teenagers that complain about how much their lives suck. You might find this hard to believe, but most grown ups don't like teenagers because of this reason. Give this girl a reason to be so mad and "in pain". Have her dad be a sex offender or something, or her mom be a crack addict, or both! The more hardships you throw onto her, the better.

Also, her maturity level is very, very, very low. Example:
I tried to avoided it but if the teacher asked me a question I would ether try and answer it or simply say;
“If you don’t know go look it up on the internet, it’s not just for porn you know.”

Sometimes, this is good because the character can grow and develope overtime. But I get the feeling that this girl isn't going to grow up at all. I say you throw in a little bit of maturity into her personality. ESPECIALLY if this is going to be a vampire story, because the majority of people don't take vampire novels seriously.

I know this is harsh...really harsh. I'm trying to help you make this story better, so please don't be discouraged or sad. I really hope I didn't hurt your feelings too much. If I did, I apologize greatly for all the mean criticism. But I do think that you should take the advice given to you by all the critiquers, because if you do, you could have something great.

When you're done reading this, send me back a message with what you thought of this advice...and to assure me that I didn't make you cry. *wince*

Worx.




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Thanks everyone for your feed back!
Um this is really embarrassing but i accidentally posted the unedited version rather then the edited (hince the extent of typos.) I think I got them all now. But if there are anymore please help point them out.
As for plot changes and whatnot I'll consider some of it.
Thanks again!
“There are many thing people have claimed can not be true and yet nearly all of them have ether been true to begin with or been made true by thous stubborn enough to ignore them.”-Scientist 666 from my 2009 NaNoWriMo novel.




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This is very good. I can see with each chapter, your are adding more to your character's personality. I did notice several spelling mistakes, but as you already said, you had posted the unedited one. Even when I am done proof reading and think I have found and fixed all of the noncomformities, there is always some that I miss.



Who knows anything about anyone, let alone themselves.
— Hank Green