Redemption . Prologue

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Okay, so this is a prologue. The idea came to my mind so I wrote it down. Read and review please.
Two years ago...
His dad never congratulated him after he won the four hundred meter race at the state track meet. As he crossed the finish line he smiled with pride and then looked towards the stands to find his dad. He only saw many people in matching blue shirts, like his, jumping up and down excitedly. They were screaming his name. Other teams were scowling. Our track team was the best, we knew that and now they did too. "Shane," he heard his dad call.
He turned around slowly as his teammates slapped him on the back and said things like, "Good job," and "Holy shit, you're like the fastest seventh grader ever!"
He smiled slightly at the praise and stared at his dad. The expression on his face was filled with worry as he gestured for Shane to approach him.
Shane grabbed the water bottle someone was handing him and walked slowly to where his dad was standing by the fence. "We have to go," he said slowly.
"Why?" Shane asked out of breath. He took a sip of the water.
"Just get your stuff, I'll explain in the car," he walked away towards the waiting van. Shane retreated towards the bleachers. As he did so he heard a message over the loudspeaker. "Shane Mitchell has set the state record for the four hundred meter run." His team erupted and he smiled to himself.
"That was so freaking amazing," his best friend Nathan gasped. "You were like...I don't know a good word, but you were fast!"
Shane nodded, barely paying attention as Nathan went through a play by play of the whole race. He slipped on his sweat pants and sweatshirt before continuing down the bleachers quickly. "Shane, wait!" the track coach called.
"My dad said I have to go," Shane mumbled. He didn't want to leave, he enjoyed this attention too much.
"Oh, well, don't you want to wait for the awards ceremony?" she asked. "It should be really exciting considering you are the fastest four hundred meter runner in the state. Middle school division," she smiled widely.
"Um, I think it's important," Shane sighed. He looked towards his van and saw his dad waiting impatiently, running his fingers through his tousled, brown hair. He bit his lip, "Sorry, I have to go."
Without even waiting for her reply he ran down the bleachers.
The air was chilly and he wiped his running nose on the cuff of his sleeve. He opened the car door and sat down next to his dad in the passenger seat. The car was perfectly clean, that was how his mom liked it. "What's going on?" he asked when his dad started pulling out of the parking lot.
"Your mom has taken a turn for the worse," he replied. Shane felt a knot form in his stomach. His mom had breast cancer and had been in the hospital for a few days. He heard a sniffle from the back seat and turned around to face his little sister.
Her bright blue eyes were filled with tears and her blonde hair was pulled into two messy pigtails. He smiled sympathetically at her and turned to face forward. "So we're going to the hospital?" he asked and brushed his sweaty, sandy brown bangs away from his eyes.
"Yes," his dad replied sadly and swerved through the traffic. Shane stared out the window at the passing trees. His mom had called to wish him luck before the meet, he couldn't wait to tell her he won. She would be so happy.
He tried not to be nervous about his mother's sickness. Life was too short to worry about everything.
The hospital was not busy but it still scared him to death. Sick people scared him, a lot of things scared him. Things like, the dark, his Uncle Mike, heights, spiders, dead people, scary movies, and drunk people.
"You two wait here. Shane, watch your sister," he pointed to the waiting area. Shane grabbed Dallas's hand and led her to one of the teal couches. The atmosphere was awkward, you could tell the few people sitting in the waiting room were very anxious and wanted to find out what was wrong with them, or someone they knew. To him, there was something about hospitals that was uncomfortable and quiet. He picked up an outdated magazine and flipped through it, trying to ignore the annoying antiseptic smell.
Dallas stared at the clock with tears in her eyes. "Shane?" she asked suddenly. He put down the magazine and looked at her intently. "Is mom going to die?"
Shane drew in a deep breath, thinking of the best way to explain to her what cancer was and what it could do to people. She was only nine. Her eyes looked worried and the last thing he wanted to do was upset her. "I couldn't tell you that," he sighed.
She turned back to the clock. He wanted to find something to busy her; something to take her mind off things. He stood up and walked over to a basket that contained books and magazines. There was a picture book sitting on top. He grabbed it and handed it to her.
"Read this," he explained. "It will take your mind off things." They sat for awhile while she flipped through the pages of the book. People looked at them, wondering why two kids under the age of thirteen were sitting alone in a hospital waiting room. They were probably wondering if one of them was sick. If they thought that then they were probably thinking something like, Poor kid.
Shane was starting to get impatient and squirmed in the seat. Suddenly his dad emerged from a room down the hall. Shane swallowed hard when he noticed the tears in his eyes. He knew what was coming, and he definitely wasn't ready.
Dallas looked up at her father as he approached them. His voice broke as he spoke, "Your mom is dead." He said it bluntly and that surprised Shane. He thought maybe he could explain it more, for Dallas's sake.
Dallas burst into tears but Shane just stared at his dad. He stood up slowly and walked down the hallway. His dad watched him go, questioning why he didn't cry like Dallas did.
He waited by the elevators and waited for one to open. A woman carrying a child smiled at him as he walked into the elevator as she walked out. He just glared.
He pressed random buttons, not caring which floor he went to. As the doors slid closed he sat down and leaned against the wall. He wasn't going to cry, that was what they wanted. He refused to feel grief because he didn't want to believe she was gone. She couldn't be gone. People probably expected him to breakdown and cry until he couldn't anymore. That wasn't going to happen, he had to tell himself that.
The doors opened and a girl walked in, she too, looked upset. She looked at him and sat down. She had straight red hair and bright, hazel eyes. She smiled at him weakly and he returned it. "You have really cool eyes," she said suddenly. She pulled the hood off her black sweatshirt over her head and pulled her IPod out of her pocket.
"Thanks," he mumbled. He had one bright blue eye and one dark green eye. He hated it but for some reason everyone else loved it.
The door opened and she walked out. He felt like meeting her meant something. That it wasn't just some random meeting. Maybe someday this day would mean something to him, maybe she came into the elevator at that moment for a reason. Like they always said, everything happens for a reason.

Present Day
He didn't cry at his mom's funeral, or at her burial. Not once had he shed a tear about his mom's death. Of course, he cried about other things. Like his dad's slow change from "father of the year," to "world's worst father." Or the fact that he acted like a parent to his sister when his dad went on "business trips." There was plenty to cry about, but that wasn't one of the those things. Life since that day had only went downhill.
Last edited by mhmmcolleenx0 on Thu Mar 19, 2009 2:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Can't stop, won't stop. I must be dreaming."




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Very nice! It made me tear up!!

I noticed though hun, you stated that Shane hated hospitals a few times in different ways.

"The hospital was not busy but it still scared him to death. Things like, the dark, his Uncle Mike, heights, spiders, dead people, scary movies, and hospitals. "
"To him, there was something about hospitals that was uncomfortable and quiet"


Also I noticed that you switched P.O.V's for a moment

""You two wait here. Shane, watch your sister," he pointed to the waiting area. I grabbed Dallas's hand and led her to one of the teal couches."


I think that's the only things that I had noticed. Grammar wise I'm terrible at ^^'' im sorry.

But those are the things I noticed, I hope it helps!! =D




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Hey! Tex here, reviewing your work.

GRAMMAR

Honestly, I didn't find any grammar problems. Nice job!


Nit-picks

Shane grabbed Dallas's hand and led her to one of the teal couches.

This is the first time you mention Dallas, and it takes a moment to realize that it's Shanes sister. Maybe you could mention her name in the car, to avoid any confusion.


She pulled the hood off her black sweatshirt over her head and pulled her IPod out of her pocket.

Personally, I think that the use of "her" is a little excessive. I might suggest replacing at least one of those, for example,
She pulled the hood off her black sweatshirt over her head and pulled an IPod out of her pocket.

Just a suggestion.


Plot

The door opened and she walked out. He felt like meeting her meant something. That it wasn't just some random meeting. Maybe someday this day would mean something to him, maybe she came into the elevator at that moment for a reason. Like they always said, everything happens for a reason.


Okay, this is cool. There are so many different directions you can go with this, I'm anxious to see which way you go! It's quite hard to comment on an almost perfect plot, almost because perfection doesn't exist. Great!


Description

For a prolouge, this has a good amount of description. Sometimes, writers, *cough* myself included, just make a prolouge a summary of what has gone on in the past of the story or prtagonists life. Let's just look at the checklist here:
Sight: CHECK
Smell: CHECK
Sounds: CHECKISH (yes, you described the sound of the crowds, but in hospital, wouldn't you hear coughing, babies crying, ect.?)
Feel: NO CHECK (What's the temperature? Is it a bazillion degrees? A nice cool breeze? Windy? Muggy?)


Overall

You've got me in suspense for more! Grammar's perfect as far as I can tell, amazing plot that keep the reader excited, nice description of emotions and how people look, I'm hooked for the first chapter! Please PM me when it's up!


Hope I helped!
-Tex
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Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.

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Hiya, darling! Music here. Finally time for a review! Thorough, as promised. :wink:

As he crossed the finish line, he smiled with pride, and then looked towards the stands to find his dad. He only saw many people in matching blue shirts, like his, jumping up and down excitedly. They were screaming his name. Other teams were scowling. Our track team was the best, we knew that and now they did, too. In this sentence, you switch to first person. You were writing in third person. Edit that, dear. :)


said things like, "Good job," and, "Holy shit, you're like the fastest seventh grader ever!"


"We have to go," [s]he[/s]his father told him [s]said[/s] slowly. "he said" doesn't specify which "he" said it.


"Why?" Shane asked, out of breath.


"Just get your stuff[s],[/s]; I'll explain in the car[s],[/s]." [s]h[/s]He... As he did so, he heard


"That was so freaking amazing," his best friend Nathan gasped. "You were like...I don't [s]know a good word,[/s] even know a good enough word to use, but you were fast!"


"It should be really exciting, considering you are the fastest four hundred meter runner in the state. Middle school division," she smiled widely.


Without even waiting for her reply, he ran down the bleachers.


The air was chilly, and he wiped...The car was perfectly clean[s],[/s]; that was how his mom liked it.


Her bright blue eyes were filled with tears, and her blonde hair was pulled into two messy pigtails.... "So, we're going to the hospital?"


before the meet[s],[/s]; he couldn't wait to tell her he had won.


The hospital was not busy, but it still scared him to death. Sick people scared him[s],[/s]; a lot of things scared him. Things like[s],[/s] the dark


The atmosphere was awkward[s],[/s]; you could tell the few people sitting in the waiting room were very anxious and wanted to find out what was wrong with them[s],[/s] or someone they knew.


Her eyes looked worried, and the last thing he wanted to do was upset her.


If they thought that, then they were probably thinking something like, Poor kid.


Suddenly, his dad emerged


He said it bluntly, and that surprised Shane.


Dallas burst into tears, but Shane just stared at his dad.


A woman carrying a child smiled at him [s]as[/s]when he walked into the elevator as she walked out.


As the doors slid closed, he sat down and leaned against the wall. He wasn't going to cry[s],[/s]; that was what they wanted. He refused to feel grief, because he didn't want to believe she was gone. She couldn't be gone. People probably expected him to breakdown and cry until he couldn't anymore. That wasn't going to happen[s],[/s]; he had to tell himself that. I think this is one of your best paragraphs.


The doors opened and a girl walked in[s],[/s]; she, too, looked upset. She looked at him and sat down. She had straight red hair and bright, hazel eyes. She smiled at him weakly, and he returned it. "You have really cool eyes," she said suddenly. She pulled the hood of[s]f[/s] her black sweatshirt over her head and pulled her IPod out of her pocket. I love that part.


He hated it, but, for some reason, everyone else loved it.


Maybe, someday, this day would mean something to him[s],[/s]; maybe she came into the elevator at that moment for a reason. Like they always said, everything happens for a reason.


Hi! This is a depressing story. *sigh* I liked that you included the girl in the elevator. To me, she represented a sort of sign of hope.

Characters: I liked the characters overall. I think you should've shone more decline in the father's father-li-ness, though. That would explain more to the reader.

Emotions: I really didn't see enough emotion in this. I didn't feel the heart-breaking, soul-ripping, writhing agony I should've felt. Then again, maybe that was the point. But try to include more descriptions of the characters' emotions. :wink:

Overall: Overall, I liked the story's beginning. I thought it had a nice line. For a while, I forgot it was a prologue, though. Now I'm happy, because I get to look more into the story and see if the elevator girl re-enters or not! Ooh, I'm excited now! Haha.

Good story! Keep up the work. Notify me when you post more, please!

Love,
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Hey, Mimi here as requested.

Our track team was the best, we knew that and now they did too.

Here you suddenly switch to first person when you were writing in third.

Things like, the dark, his Uncle Mike, heights, spiders, dead people, scary movies, and drunk people.

Change the comma after 'Things like' to a colon.

They sat for awhile while she flipped through the pages of the book

The words 'awhile' and 'while' used so close together here don't sound right. Try use a different word.

He waited by the elevators and waited for one to open

You use the word 'waited' twice in this sentence. Replace one with a different word.

A woman carrying a child smiled at him as he walked into the elevator as she walked out.

This sentence don't sound right. I would suggest changing it to something like:
A woman carry a child smiled at him as she walked out, he simply glared as he walked in to replace her.

She had straight red hair and bright, hazel eyes

This is telling and you have to give the reader this information without actually saying it like this. You used showing wonderfully in this sentence:
Her bright blue eyes were filled with tears and her blonde hair was pulled into two messy pigtails

For more information about 'show and tell', check out the article about it in the knowledge base part of the site.

Characters
You brought out Shane's character quite well. He's emotional but he doesn't like to show it. The other characters sort of fell flat though. All I found out about Dallas is that she's very sad over the death of her mother and Shane looks after her. Then what I got from his dad's character is that he was a good dad turned bad dad after the deat of his wife. Elaborate more on this and bring out their personalities more.

Grammar
Nothing much to comment about here except for the few nitpicks I did above and that 'show and tell' thing.

Overall
I enjoyed this, but you did not really bring out the emotions alot. This could have been very heart breaking but it fell short of my expectations. I think it could be really great if you bring out Shane's emotions more.

Keep up the great work, PM me with any questions!
xxmimixx
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Hiya! Here as requested!

Our track team was the best, we knew that and now they did too.


This should be in italics if it's his thoughts, or you've changed POV to first. It's up to you what you've done. ;)

He smiled slightly at the praise and stared at his dad. The expression on his face was filled with worry as he gestured for Shane to approach him.


It's a bit hard to tell who the "he" and "his" is here. Put some more proper names in here, so it looks more like this: Shane smiled slightly at the praise and stared at his dad. (The second line is pretty good when it comes to pronouns ^_^)

Shane grabbed the water bottle someone was handing him and walked slowly to where his dad was standing by the fence. "We have to go," he said slowly.


The bloded "he" could be mistaken as Shane speaking (since he was the person doing the action in the last sentence), when it's his dad. Replace with proper names/titles, or put the dialogue on the next line so we know it's somebody else talking. :)

"Just get your stuff, I'll explain in the car," he walked away towards the waiting van.


This is one of the times I like to see "said" being used. Since he says this before walking into the car, you can put: ... in the car," he said before he walked away towards the waiting van.

"Shane, wait!" the track coach called.


This dialogue should be on a new line.

He opened the car door and sat down next to his dad in the passenger seat.


You could probably nix "next to his dad" here, since the passenger seat implies he's in the front.

The car was perfectly clean, that was how his mom liked it.


Nice reference to the mom! It makes us know something is about to happen about/around her. ^_^

The atmosphere was awkward, you could tell the few people sitting in the waiting room were very anxious and wanted to find out what was wrong with them, or someone they knew. To him, there was something about hospitals that was uncomfortable and quiet.


You go into some description of why's this situation is awkward, but I don't feel you really explain it enough. I would think the scene described as "tense" not "awkward." ^_^

They sat for awhile while she flipped through the pages of the book.


So, he doesn't pick the magazine up again? ;)

If they thought that then they were probably thinking something like, Poor kid.


I know you said not to go into grammar, but I think this sentence would be easier to read if you put a comma after "that."

Shane swallowed hard when he noticed the tears in his eyes. He knew what was coming, and he definitely wasn't ready.


A bit confusing who is who here. Put more proper names and titles to make it less confusing.

His dad watched him go, questioning why he didn't cry like Dallas did.


You switch viewpoints here. From Shane's to his dad's. If you want to keep this line rather unaltered, just add "probably" after the comma.

She looked at him and sat down. She had straight red hair and bright, hazel eyes. She smiled at him weakly and he returned it. "You have really cool eyes," she said suddenly. She pulled the hood off her black sweatshirt over her head and pulled her IPod out of her pocket.


~ Every non-dialogue sentence starts with "she" here. You might want to re-work things so that doesn't happen. ^_^

~ The dialogue should be on a new line, since she said it suddenly. If it were on a new line, then it would show as well as tell she said that suddenly.

He felt like meeting her meant something. That it wasn't just some random meeting. Maybe someday this day would mean something to him, maybe she came into the elevator at that moment for a reason. Like they always said, everything happens for a reason.


This is a bit tell-y, and info-dumpy. It gives us a bit too much into the girl's role in the story later on. Maybe replace it with Shane's thoughts about the girl, and how weird her comment was?

~

Pronouns: Something to watch for is when you use pronouns. Especailly when you're dealing with two characters of the same gender. For example, if you're still using "he" when talking about your MC, but in the line before you talked about his dad (or vise-versa) then, you should use the proper name to avoid any confusion.

Characters: I'd like a bit more emotion on Shane. He's the MC, after all. Since the plot is pretty strong you don't have to put in a lot, but more description of what's running through his head when he's waiting, when he hears that his mom's dead... maybe some more thoughts on the girl. Flesh Shane out a bit more, so we can really see inside his head.

Overall: I enjoyed this! You've got a pretty interesting plot going, and you've set yourself up for an interesting story here. I would watch that you don't tell us flat-out what a person would do in the story later on, but, a good, solid start. ^_^

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey
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Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Before I start on the whole reviewing thing I would just like to say that i really do love this! Great job :D

This are really simple and easy

1. 'His dad never congratulated him after he won the four hundred meter race at the state track meet'
-if the state track meet was the name of the race it sould start with captials, The State Track Meet.

2. 'Our track team was the best, we knew that and now they did too. "Shane," he heard his dad call'
-try starting a new line between 'Our track team was the best, we knew that and now they did too and "Shane," he heard his dad call' because you are talking about to different things and also because someone new is talking.

3. 'As he did so he heard a message over the loudspeaker. "Shane Mitchell has set the state record for the four hundred meter run." His team erupted and he smiled to himself'
-again, this needs to be on a new line than the rest of it as your talkign about soemthing else.

4. 'He wanted to find something to busy her; something to take her mind off things'
-this is good but you might want to re-write so it flows better. Try something like, he wanted to find something to occupy her...

Only a few things but again great start. Keep it up!




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Hello!
I really like the story, but I agree with the previous edits on grammar, etc.
: D
Besides the few nit picky issues, I suggestion changing the bit at the end. Rather than just saying his father changed, give examples of the subtle changes.
Keep writing!
<3
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