Who?

Demetri, you've done it again.

Those commas are not meant to be there. Take them out. They're completely ridiculous.

Who, threw the rock, that landed, on Jim?

The rock, whose jagged edges, instantly, killed him

should be

Who
threw the rock
that landed
on Jim?

The rock
whose jagged edges
instantly
killed him

And even without your astonishingly poor usage of commas and your defense of this usage, it is a bad poem overall.

That is all, and I think I will finally complete, or at least work on completing, the review of your extremely poor epic that I started around when it was posted.

Of course, I don't know why I'm bothering to post this review or finish that review, since you'll almost certainly explain my poor view of the pieces like you explain everyone else's poor views. "Your mind is not developed enough to HANDLE my genius blah blah blah blather!"

~Aet

I think that when you read the poem, its a little to chopped up. Like you put to many commas where you don't need them.

when you wrote this:

"And on, some poor soul's, head come, raining down?"

there shouldn't be a comma after "on" or after "soul's" that would make it better.

I like the overall idea and creativity. It's a very good concept!!!

Six months later, I think, maybe I could've done without the commas.
Hmm, who would've thunk?

Aet Lindling wrote:Demetri, you've done it again.

Those commas are not meant to be there. Take them out. They're completely ridiculous.

Who, threw the rock, that landed, on Jim?

The rock, whose jagged edges, instantly, killed him

should be

Who
threw the rock
that landed
on Jim?

The rock
whose jagged edges
instantly
killed him

And even without your astonishingly poor usage of commas and your defense of this usage, it is a bad poem overall.

That is all, and I think I will finally complete, or at least work on completing, the review of your extremely poor epic that I started around when it was posted.

Of course, I don't know why I'm bothering to post this review or finish that review, since you'll almost certainly explain my poor view of the pieces like you explain everyone else's poor views. "Your mind is not developed enough to HANDLE my genius blah blah blah blather!"

~Aet

Funny, I actually think you have a point. Giving each independently comma seperated segment its own line might have kept to the point while conforming more to common lyrical prose...so no disection of your review...this time

i like it. at first all the commas were annoying and i just went through it without pausing but then i went back and actually paused at the commas and i found that it means more when you pause. the commas keep a nice beat and i like the story and the sarcasm about the rock. good job, creative.

It took me a few lines to get your rhythm down. And after that the poem was very entertaining. I understand why you put the commas in, though it seemed a bit weird, I've never seen it done before. You have a very unique style and a great way of getting the reader to understand your "story."