Of An Icy Chandelier

An icy chandelier
sparkling maliciously in the yellow glow
suspended heavily, mightily
in midair.

A party of talkers, clinking of
delicate china, wheezy laughter
of a goner.

Breaking law, time, its frozen state,
it plummets down
on the unsuspecting bald head
down below.
The words of a great talker,
the wagging of his thick tongue,
Frozen. Stopped. Dead. Gone.
-words suspended in midair.

Brutal! It's awesome! so much better than I could do !

I like it

mizz-iceberg wrote:Of an icy chandelier
sparkling maliciously in the yellow glow,
suspended heavily, mightily
in midair. This could be in the same verse? Why did you brake it?

Of a party of talkers, of clinking of
delicate china, of wheezy laughter,
of a goner. These "OFs" ...they help you in what way? This could make some sense if the stanza has some meaning, but I didn't see some of it.

Breaking THE law, time, its frozen state,
it plummets down
on the unsuspecting bald head
down below.
The words of a great talker,
the wagging of his thick tongue,
frozen.stopped.dead.gone.
-words suspended in midair.

This poem made me realise something. Not important for this review, but it really has some meaning. Although the rhythm is quite bad for my taste...

I really like the format and style of this poem, mizz-iceberg, but like darky.demark I'm a little puzzled by the use of the "of"--without a subject for that preposition, the poem floats out there, not anchored to a meaning. I'm not saying I want to tie you down, but it might be a good idea to tell us: "of what?"

I very much like this line: "frozen.stopped.dead.gone." It emphases your skill with style, as well as your uniqueness. But just before that, when you're talking about your "great talker," I'm not sure what you mean--you spend two lines on this person who seems slightly out of place. Is he a member of that "party of talkers" you mention earlier, or is he the one with the bald head? Maybe I'm trying to be too literal, I do have a penchant for wanting to apply an orderly plot to abstract poems. Just something to think about, maybe?

I don't really have a lot to say, I'm not that good with poetry-my mind hates critiquing these, it all requires a lot to do about what the author's thinking and all that-just a couple comments.

You say "Of" and I didn't really get that, is it "of" something?

and then I think you should have spaces after all the peroids, just seems logical to me as a grammar issue. If you're trying to go for a more intense effect with it I'm just getting distracted by the too closeness. So maybe instead of:

frozen.stopped.dead.gone.

You could try

Frozen. Stopped. Dead. Gone.

Doing the second would really intensify the power of the words I think, and is a lot less distracting.

darky.demark and gyrfalcon I agree the 'of's are distracting. I was actually trying to give it an abstract feeling, but I see it didn't work, so I'l definitely change that.


Alice: I agree the words in the second last line seem too jumbled up. I like your suggestion.

Thanks for your comments guys! I really appreciate it.

wow. someone either must've made you very mad, and you were pretending that was them, or you have an amazing imagination. i love it. the last line is my favorite. its amazing figurative language, and i feel as if i can actually see the words hanging there. i feel as if i'm sitting there watching the chandalier fall on the person's head. that was amazing

Glad you liked it, Music Girl.

Alright guys I made the changes. I think it's much better.

whoa... this is good stuff.

i like the descriptive words you used. Mightily, wheezy, etc.

and i like the concept. it's unique. tells a little story of loss, and in a strange sarcastic way. it's dark, and pretty awesome.

however, i don't like the dash in the last line. maybe if it just said "words suspended". because "in midair" is redundant.

this is great!
keep up the good work!

I'm not much of an expert on poetry, but I love how the entire feel of it can be changed by a few words and make it tragic instead of malicious. Like yellow glow versus golden or something. Same applies to wheezy laughter.

And words are likened to the chandelier in the end.

I enjoyed it.