Just Getting Started Chapter 1Prologue

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Should I continue?

  • yes 75%
  • no 25%

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Prologue
The moon drifted in and out of the few clouds floating through the night sky, casting an eerie glow around the movie theater’s parking lot. It was empty, the only exceptions a few locked cars that were always there; the owners lived in the crowded apartment building just down the block, however there were never any parking spaces left in the lot.
The church across the road was unlocked and vacant, as it had been since the town was first founded. Never in the history of Imlay had anything happened to the church. There had been a number of break-ins over the years, spreading from one end of the little town to the other, but never had anyone hurt the church in any way.
Just down the road a little farther to the west was the 24-hour café, which was deserted as well. The only two people in there were the two waitresses, both of whom always sat in the kitchen and talked the night away. Business was always slow at night. Sometimes there would be semi-trucks that would go through town. Usually they would park in the empty lot behind the café for the night. Most drivers would get a very early breakfast there and be on their way, possibly loan out a book from the library across the street if they would be back in town.
The little town grocery store was the only large building near the only stop light in the small town. Across the street from the grocery store was the ever busy post office. Many teenagers worked there in the summer, putting mail in the correct boxes while listening to their favorite music. On top of that, others made pizzas at the pizzeria and video, bagged groceries at the store, sometimes even waited tables at the bar if they were old enough.
She tried to cover her head as he raged and swung a closed fist at her. She knew by now not to try to stop him. It would only get worse; that lesson she had learned months ago.
He had been working out a lot lately, getting ready for basketball season, though school had just started. He had told her a few weeks ago that he wanted to make his last year on the team something worth remembering.
As his fist struck her shoulder, then her stomach, she bit her tongue hard enough to draw blood, trying to keep from screaming in agony. She felt one of her still sore ribs crack, and the pain had her gasping for air. But that was nothing new. She was used to the pain, almost a year into the relationship.
Even as he beat on her for a stupid, simple mistake, one she had known she should not have made, the girl mentally pulled away from her body. It was the only way she had been able to actually block the pain; at least for a short amount of time. The only way she could stay sane, deal with her injuries, and still act like the girl she used to be, for her family, her friends.
There were kids she tutored, young little fifth graders, who needed her. That was what she always reminded herself during these times. They depended on her to help them. Their problems were not life-threatening, but they still needed someone to help them find the solution.
The people who smiled at her in the hallways, who looked to her to help them when they struggled to understand something… they might not really know her, but they looked to her. They had faith in her. They unknowingly helped her through each and every day.
She could not let anyone know what went on behind the scenes. They would pity her and it would only make her feel that much worse about herself. After all, he wouldn’t be hurting her if she was doing what he wanted, what she should be doing anyway, right?
He had already told her what would happen if she told anyone; her family, her friends, her very life would all be in danger. And she believed him.
He knew the type of people that could torture someone, could kill someone, without being caught or recognized. He introduced her to a person like that one day after school. The average looking man had smiled charmingly, making her return it hesitantly before flashing a gun and a knife at her.
They looked like normal people, the kind that she could pass on the street and not think twice about. They dressed to fit into the crowd, he’d explained to her. Any one of the people she passed on the road, or waited on in the theater, could be one of his people. She had been extremely wary, almost terrified, of unfamiliar people ever since that day.
Now, removed and hovering above her body, she watched as her boyfriend yelled and screamed at her in the deserted little town.
His eyes gleamed dangerously, their normally bright blue irises now a dark and stormy color. There was a slight flush high on his cheekbones, giving her the impression that he was enjoying her punishment. His breathing was harsh as he flexed his hands and kicked her one last time. She watched as he turned and stalked back to his truck, starting the engine and roaring off down the road.
She was left lying there on the ground, crying and shaking uncontrollably.
Slowly, minute by minute, she returned to her body, only to find excruciating pain awaiting her. Her torso was already bruising, and when she very lightly touched her ribs made what little breath she had managed to get back leave in a rush. Her body was almost numb after that. It took away any pain she might have added to the list as she ever so slowly struggled to her feet.
Looking at her wounds, she mentally took inventory. Her legs throbbed from his kicks, as did her ankle, which he had kicked right after she had twisted it while falling down. She calmly figured that it was sprained and made a note to ice it when she went home. Her shoulder was also throbbing, but when she moved it, there was no extra pain, so it was more than likely only bruised.
She stumbled to her own car, her trembling hands dropping the keys multiple times before finally unlocking the doors. Sitting inside, she gave herself a few long minutes to calm down and attempt to control her shaking limbs. Starting the engine, she slowly made her way home.
Thank God all of her family was in bed. No one was able to stay up past eleven anymore thanks to their crazy work and practice schedules. No one except her. She worked harder than most of them, but was expected to go out with her boyfriend many nights a week.
Absently, she wondered how and why she did it. But then she remembered the threats and terrifying people.
That was why she put her own safety and well being on the line.
They needed her to; they just didn’t know it.
~~~~




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Hello I'm Storm and I shall review your story for you.
First thing to know is that for every story post you have to do two reviews. There are more rules but you should go to the Welcome forum for that. Okays so onto the review.
Wow. This was very intense. Something I wasn't sure on though was the out-of-her-body thing. Can she really do that or is that just her imagining things? Umm, there were a few run-ons and some other nitpicks so onto them.


It was empty, the only exceptions a few locked cars that were always there; the owners lived in the crowded apartment building just down the block, however there were never any parking spaces left in the lot.

Okay this is a really long sentence, not sure if its a run-on though. Instead of the semicolon you should use a period and start a new sentence after that.

history of Imlay

Imlay. What is that? Where is that?

There had been a number of break-ins over the years,

If it is so empty then how do the businesses have money? If they don't have money then why would people break-in? There would be nothing to steal.

only two people in there were the two waitresses,

Where is the cook/chef? If there is no chef how can there be food?

Business was always slow at night.

Uhh, I thought this town was always empty. Why would business by slow at night if nobody came in the day anyway?

the girl mentally pulled away from her body.

Um i guess you can do that but if someone mentally goes out of their body then can they go around as ghosts? Because later you say that she watches herself and the guy.

but they looked to her.

I think you meant looked up to her.

when they struggled to understand something

Why does everyone look up to her? Come to her? Is she super smart and nice or something?

After all, he wouldn’t be hurting her if she was doing what he wanted, what she should be doing anyway, right?

This part is a bit confusing.

Okay thats it! :)
Overall. Well, to me it sounds like a book I read. It was called Dreamland by Sarah Dessen. A girl was getting beat up by her boyfriend and she didn't want to tell anybody. Yeah, so maybe put something special in the story to make it stand out from the rest of the other abused girls story. Another thing you don't really tell anything about the character. Hair color? Eye color? Looks? Height? Name? Well I guess since this is a prolouge but still. Maybe tell more about her. Yeah well thats it. Good job. I think you should write more.
PM me when you write more or have any questions.
-Storm


PS: WELCOME TO YWS!!! SEE YA AROUND.
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D




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Points 4125
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I don't like nitpicking... so-o-o-o I'll just get right down to it.

You start with a long, rather boring info-dump, four paragraphs long, to be exact. The waitresses and the break-ins and the church and the library, and then BAM! Suddenly some random girl whom we know absoballylutely nothing about is being beaten violently by... her boyfriend? O-o-okay, and while this, erm, vicious scene is going on, the girl finds time to magically leave her body and and info-dump again about her life and who she is. I don't know if you've ever been beaten before, but the way she detaches herself from the beating, while perhaps, perhaps possible after it happening many times prior to this, seems like just an amateur device to tell us all about aforesaid girl.

That is to say, why can't we found out about all this in bite-size bits, over the next two, three, four, five chapters? We learn the same amount but not so much to bury us in boring, sometimes useless facts. This would be much more gripping if you worked the beating scene into the description at the beginning, and shortened the beginning to describing the town just a little. Does Imlay smell like rotting pig corpses? Is a weird dude with his pants falling down leaning against a phone booth and chewing gum that blows huge, inky-black, opaque bubbles? Are all the streetlamps clogged with dead moth's bodies 'til they hardly provide any light at all? Try to set the scene a little, then bring us slowly 'round to the girl curled up in, let's say, the deserted playground, her screams ricocheting through an empty, heartless town.

Or something like that.

Anyhow, good luck! PM or comment on my guest-book when you revise this, 'kaaayyy? =D

-SELA
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest



Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
— G.K. Chesterton