The Little Girl in the Basement

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Chapter Two
Pink-The Death Girl



It has been about a month since I took Pink into the castle. My father had no trouble with giving her the extra master bedroom, and he had no trouble hanging the two men who were beating her, mostly on my behalf. I didn’t like the fact that the village would chain her up, barely feed her, and then use her as a punching bag. When we first got to the castle a month ago, I immediately fed Pink the most extravagant dinner the poor thing probably had. Needless to say, she ate until her stomach was about to burst. I quickly noticed that the only person she would trust was me. She was extremely shy with everyone else, especially men. It was easily apparent that Pink had a favorite color…which was oddly enough, pink. She kept my pink handkerchief from the very first time I met her, and secretly took my pink gem necklace. Of course I let her keep the handkerchief, but I had to take back the necklace. It was my grandmothers and I didn’t want anything to happen to it.
The next day after we arrived, a bath was needed. The old crummy clothes she was put in had to be thrown out, even though she protested like hell. So I had a brand new set made of fine cloth and silks to see if she liked it better, and of course she did. The bathing was a bit challenging. Pink had no idea what the hell I and a few servant girls were trying to do. It seemed as though she was terrified of the water and she fought with every power she had.
“Pink, sweetheart, it’s okay, we’re not trying to hurt you…” I stated calmly, pushing past her blood stained hair.
She still shook her head no in protest, putting her hands up to her eyes to cover them. Then I realized that her gloves and the shackles needed to come off. I took her hand and examined her wrist; surely enough there was a break where the sides connected. I ordered to get a butter knife or something to break the shackles off and I tried my best not to hurt her while breaking it through. It took a while, but I finally broke through without harming Pink and without breaking the shackle itself. Daniel had taken the other shackle off a bit slower than I had.
The gloves came off and another servant girl walked up to help her into the tub. As she went to pick her up, Pink turned around and set her hands on the girl’s chest. I noticed that Pink’s hands looked as though they were starting to decay from the fingertips and I felt my heart sink; was it all because of those men beating on her, or something unnatural? I stood up just as the girl fell to the ground and the other girls whimpered and scattered away like scared dogs, Daniel included. Pink looked back at me staring down at her with a look of worry on the poor girl’s face. She must have felt fear, and even whimpered a bit, probably waiting for me to scream and then beat her.
Of course, I wouldn’t dare do that to anyone, unless if they deserved it, so instead I hesitantly kneeled down to check the servant girl, even fearing for my own life. The servant girl was indeed dead, an instant death, her heart stopped the second Pink had touched her. This was the reason for the gloves and the shackles were there to keep those gloves on. She was like the Grim Reaper reborn into this little adorable girl, looking over at me with fear in her eyes, just waiting for me to throw her into the dungeon and chain her up like before.
I heard Daniel whimper in the corner of the huge bathroom, trying to get away from Pink. I looked over to her for a split second to see the horrible expression of fear on her face; and then I immediately set my attention back on Pink, to her even more horrible expression of fear on her face. I could see the tears forming in her eyes, I know she didn’t want to touch me; she was scared.
“P-Pink, dear, it’s okay.” I stated as calmly as possible. I couldn’t hide the fact that I was scared as well, I knew she could feel it. “Just d-don’t touch anyone okay?”
When she nodded, I turned my attention back on Daniel. “Danni, I need you and the girls to take the body and bury it somewhere, please…do something with it. I’ll take care of Pink.” To this, Pink whimpered back behind me into the opposite corner of Daniel.
Daniel and the other two girls did their best to take the body out of the bathroom and they slammed the door shut behind them. I heard them sigh in relief and whimper just a bit when they exited the room. I stood up and turned around to face Pink. By now, she was in tears, scared that I was going to beat her just like the villagers did before I saved her. This made my heart sink a bit more as I kneeled back down to get to Pink’s height.
“Pink, you trust me, don’t you?”
Pink whimpered and nodded her head. I wasn’t sure if she was old enough to understand the word “trust,” but I took her word for it.
“Sweetheart, I’m not going to hurt you, ever, okay?” I reached over to move her hair back from her face but she whimpered and turned her head to prevent me from doing so. “If I show you that the water is harmless, do you promise me you’ll take a bath? It’ll make you smell pretty like me…”
She had told me before how nice I smelled; and I think that is one of the reasons why she took my pink handkerchief other than it being pink. When I told her that she could smell like me, her head perked up and she wiped her eyes of the tears as she nodded a bit. I smiled and started to undress myself to take a bath to show Pink that the water is harmless. I washed my hair, talking to her gently and telling her how to do this and that when taking a bath, especially if I can’t wash her hands or anything. I smiled back at her, sitting a few feet away watching me. For the first time in a while, she smiled back and then I knew her fear of me hurting her was gone.
Washing her hair was the hardest thing I could ever do. The blood stained her hair a light pink color, and that’s where I think she got her name. She loved the color so much she named herself Pink. It was an odd thing that blood could ever do to someone’s hair, so I just figured it was just because of her death powers. It killed me to see all the cuts and bruises all over her tiny little body. She was so malnourished I bet I could keep feeding her huge dinners every hour of each day and she still could eat all of it; it’s amazing how she lived through those beatings every night.
After her bath, I dried her off and helped her dress and I set new gloves on her hands. Pink immediately set the shackles back around her wrists and closed them shut. It was like she was scared of what would happen again. I brushed her floor-length pink stained hair and set silver berets on each side of her head to keep the hair out of her eyes. She looked adorable. To finish everything off, I kissed her forehead to make her confused, and she was. She looked up at me with a puzzled look on her face.
“It’s called a kiss… it just means I love you.”
She blinked and stared. “Love? Kimi, what’s that?”
I looked at Pink and felt a large amount of pity fill my heart. As I sat there I wondered if this poor child had ever known what it was to feel loved. To not even be able to know what the word meant she must have lived a life alone and with no one to be there for her. I stared into Pink’s eyes and hope that what I said next would help.
“Love is the complete opposite of fear, hun. It makes you feel warm inside, right here,” I pointed at Pink’s chest where her heart was located. “It is when you feel completely safe and happy with another person. Honest true love is so strong that you never want to be apart from that person whom you love.”
“You mean how you make me feel? This is love? Please Kimi…..please….I don’t want to be alone again.”
I felt as though my heart had stopped and skipped. I felt tears rolling down my cheeks as I pulled Pink into my arms and I just couldn’t let her go.
“Pink, sweetheart…you’ll never be alone again…”
Just the other night I fell into a deep sleep but I was awaken by a gentle touch.
“Kimi…” A familiar adorable voice rang out.
“Neh--yeah sweetie?” I somewhat sat up in bed and rubbed my heavy eyes. “You okay?”
“I-I’m scared, can I sleep with you?”
I stared for a few moments and I couldn’t help but smile. This poor thing and if anything she was like my own daughter and I loved her just as so.
“Of course sweetie.” I stated as I moved over so Pink could come into the huge master canopy bed. Its emerald drapes weren’t that visible in the dark, although I could clearly see the silver sparkles from the moonlight shining in from the balcony doors.
Pink quickly got into bed and snuggled up against me, she was trembling. At first I thought she was cold so I pulled the other blankets over us--but then she took them off of her.
“Sweetheart, what happened?”
She hesitated but said, “I had a nightmare.”
“What was it about?”
Again, she hesitated and started to tremble even more.
“It’s okay Pink, I’m here for you, you’re safe.”
She took in a breath, held it in and then let is out. What she said next made my stomach turn:

“A-at first everything was white. I was alone--by myself again. B-but then again I felt this heat on my back--I turned around and then this black smoke stuff surrounds me. The heat’s still there and I-I wasn’t alone though--people were behind me up on crosses as well screaming in pain, crying for help. T-then this thing crawls up on me. H-he had these claw-like fingers although his pinky was longer than the rest--only skin and bones and his skull was on fire. He got up in my face and said ‘I will never let you be happy’ then I woke up.”

I couldn’t help but stare at the balcony doors. How could this little girl have a dream like this? A lot of the maids would never take any dream I had serious--when they should have. So needless to say, I took Pink’s nightmare very serious.
“Pink,” she was trembling even more. “It’s okay, dear, I won’t let him get you, promise.”
“Kimi, I love you…”
My heart skipped a beat and I couldn’t help but cry. “I love you too, Pink.”




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Hello again! Once again, it is asked that you review others works before you post your own. That way everyone gets a chance to improve, because no one's perfect!


GRAMMAR:

Your switching tenses less in this chapter, but I thought I'd point each of them out this time.
Since most of this is in past tense, I'll show you what isn't.

It has been about a month since I took Pink into the castle.

I washed my hair, talking to her gently and telling her how to do this and that when taking a bath, especially if I can’t wash her hands or anything.




“You mean how you make me feel? This is love? Please Kimi…..please….I don’t want to be alone again.”

Here, it's a different matter. I can't remember what they're called, but the "..."s are just three dots, no more, no less. And there should be a space between the three dots and the next word. So, here is what it would be:
“You mean how you make me feel? This is love? Please Kimi… please… I don’t want to be alone again.”

It may not seem like a big deal, but trust me. One extra period can turn things from perfect grammar to not.


Nitpicks

“A-at first everything was white. I was alone--by myself again. B-but then again I felt this heat on my back--I turned around and then this black smoke stuff surrounds me. The heat’s still there and I-I wasn’t alone though--people were behind me up on crosses as well screaming in pain, crying for help. T-then this thing crawls up on me. H-he had these claw-like fingers although his pinky was longer than the rest--only skin and bones and his skull was on fire. He got up in my face and said ‘I will never let you be happy’ then I woke up.”


I hadn't really pictured Pink as knowing too much English (or whatever language this has been translated from ;) ) Of course, this has been a month, but I wouldn't think you could grab such a vocabulary in a month.


“Pink, sweetheart… you’ll never be alone again…”

Just the other night I fell into a deep sleep but I was awaken by a gentle touch.


Is this a few nights before? Or in the future? I think you should specify. Also, you have to read it a second time to get that this isn't the same night. Maybe you could put a little more detail on it to lengthen it and make the reader notice it more?


The gloves came off and another servant girl walked up to help her into the tub. As she went to pick her up, Pink turned around and set her hands on the girl’s chest. I noticed that Pink’s hands looked as though they were starting to decay from the fingertips and I felt my heart sink; was it all because of those men beating on her, or something unnatural? I stood up just as the girl fell to the ground and the other girls whimpered and scattered away like scared dogs, Daniel included. Pink looked back at me staring down at her with a look of worry on the poor girl’s face. She must have felt fear, and even whimpered a bit, probably waiting for me to scream and then beat her.


This went really fast. I almost had to re-read it to fully grasp exactly what happened. Maybe you could put a little more attention on Pink setting her hands on the servant girl, and her fingers, to make it easier. Also,

I stood up just as the girl fell to the ground and the other girls whimpered and scattered away like scared dogs, Daniel included.

She must have felt fear, and even whimpered a bit, probably waiting for me to scream and then beat her.

To this, Pink whimpered back behind me into the opposite corner of Daniel.

I heard them sigh in relief and whimper just a bit when they exited the room.

Pink whimpered and nodded her head.

I reached over to move her hair back from her face but she whimpered and turned her head to prevent me from doing so.


So much wimpering! Maybe you could use some different adjetives? Or are those adverbs... Oh, I don't know... well, whatever, you might want to use a few different words to describe their actions. Mix it up a little.


PLOT:

You've certainly added some plot in this chapter, and very nicely, too! For some reason, when I try to tell readers plot things, it sounds like a soap opera (no offense to anyone who likes soap operas). You've told the reader about Pinks power subtly enough that you don't go "Whoa, that was drastic" but powerfully enough that you don't think "Wait, what happened? I must've missed it". Good job! And the actual plot is great.

DESCRIPTION:

I think there was more description than a lot of people get the first draft, but I still would've liked to know a little more how Kimiko looked, thought, and maybe felt about the servant dying, Pink's dream and such.


OVERALL:

Nice job bringing on the plot! I like the idea, and will definently be reading any future chapters. However, if I may suggest, you might want to let us know why Pink is suddenly such a talker. That was the one thing that really bugged me. But I loved how you brought on her power. While taking the dreaded bath... Haha!


Hope I could help!
-Tex
Religion without science is lame; science without religion is blind.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.

Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.

-Albert Einstein




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Thanks Tex! I really appreciate your help!

Pink is only a "talker" to Kimiko, you actually find this out in the next chapter...I think..If i remember right?? She's shy around other people unless Kimiko says it's okay. Thanks so much about the compliment on my plot =D

I'll be sure to fix those grammar parts and nip-picks up as soon as I get a chance! :D

And actually, i think Pink is a pretty smart girl for being nine. Since she's my boyfriend's character I ask him so many questions about her I think he gets annoyed lol! She's very descriptive with her nightmare, isnt she? I figured nine year olds when they have dreams (or even playing pretend) can be very descriptive with their imaginations.

Wow too many whimpers! Those girls need to stop whimpering! omg! xD another thing I did not notice! Thanks <3




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Heya there Kiki!

Tex seems to have gotten everything. But I have a couple of nit-picks.

The gloves came off and another servant girl walked up to help her into the tub. As she went to pick her up, Pink turned around and set her hands on the girl’s chest. I noticed that Pink’s hands looked as though they were starting to decay from the fingertips and I felt my heart sink; was it all because of those men beating on her, or something unnatural? I stood up just as the girl fell to the ground and the other girls whimpered and scattered away like scared dogs, Daniel included. Pink looked back at me staring down at her with a look of worry on the poor girl’s face. She must have felt fear, and even whimpered a bit, probably waiting for me to scream and then beat her.


I had to reword this paragraph several times to. I got sort of lost part way through. Maybe you should slow it down a bit and add more description in places.

“Pink, sweetheart, it’s okay, we’re not trying to hurt you…” I stated calmly, pushing past her blood stained hair.


You did this in the previous chapter too. Change past to passed. Past mostly means sometime in history (although not that far back). Passed is better used here ^_^

After her bath, I dried her off and helped her dress and I set new gloves on her hands.

These new gloves. They just appeared out of no where? How about saying that the MC had sent for someone to make new, girlier gloves for Pink.

She was so malnourished I bet I could keep feeding her huge dinners every hour of each day and she still could eat all of it; it’s amazing how she lived through those beatings every night.


Despite being so long, you change tenses. You should put: It was amazing how she lived through all those beatings every night.

Well, that's it!

Overall: Neat twist there. It completely surprised me when Pink could kill someone by just touching them. Good job! This is a good plot. Very interesting. You could add more description to the characters and the surroundings. It seems a little blank there. Not too much at a time, but if you slowly add description it adds to your story. You also change tenses in places. Not as much as the last chapter but it's still there. That's just one of those things that happen when you write in First Person. It happens to me a lot ^_^

Good job!

Happy Writing!

Meadow

P.S Do review some works. It's only fair >_<
Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me

--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"




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Thanks Meadow!! :D

I sometimes type past instead of passed, I dunno why but it happens and Word doesnt catch it foe me D=

Thanks so much for your input!!




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Greatly improved from the first chapter. The characters were deeper, and I did a double take when I read about Pink's "special needs."

Please give the dead girl a name. Even if you never use it, every charcter in your story should have a name to you. If their not real to you, how can they be real to us?

Byers
Authos give life to their characters,
and characters give life to the author




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I like how deep the characters were, and you introduce us to their personalities very well. However, you have on logic flaw in this that bothered me. If its been a month, then whey haven't they given her a bath before that, and why haven't they noticed the shackles? How could she eat with the shackles on her wrist? These are all small flaws.

I don't know if you did this on purpose, but i think its good how you are consistent about Kimi's odd personality. she didn't care when the men were hanged without trail, or when the servant girl. she was just stubborn and wanted to get her way. however, she is compassionate about people who touch her. I find her character very interesting, and deep.

I won't comment on the grammar errors, because those have already been commented on. so i'll just say great job!
“Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be.”




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The next day after we arrived, a bath was needed


Then it goes into a flash back to the day after they arrived at the castle with Pink. It may need to be reworded a little...a lot maybe xD but yeah Pink had a bath the next morning Kimiko found her.

Thanks so much on your kind comment on Kimiko <3 I should actually have Kimiko care about the maid xD but I havent gotten to fix it yet D=

It's her character for not caring about the two guys that she had hanged on the spot. And I appreciate your awesome comment of how you like it and thought that her personality was good. =D *huggles*




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When we first got to the castle a month ago, I immediately fed Pink the most extravagant dinner the poor thing probably had.



If I had written that, I would've written it, "The most extravagant dinner the poor thing had probably EVER had." It just makes a lot more sense to me.


“Love is the complete opposite of fear, hun


When I think of the word, hon, I spell it differently. Instead of h-u-n, I spell it h-o-n.

Except for those few errors, I've really been enjoying your work, so keep it up :)
We're all a bit mad...




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Thank you so much Alice <3

I dunno why but I've always spelled hon hun xD it's a habit. I think it's acutally spelled "hon" xDD



Always do what you are afraid to do.
— E. Lockhart, We Were Liars