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It must be nice to be so perfect, to be so cool
it must be nice to drive in nice sports convertables
and it must really be nice to treat others like they are
nothing, nothing but some pile of dog shit you may be lucky
to find on your way home to your nice fucking home.
but most of all it must be nice to take of advantage of seeing
life how you want it not and not from my eyes to tell ya it is nice
how lucky for you.

its good but I think this topic is used too much. the language is a bit... harsh, i think. you should probably rate it so you dont offend people who are expecting something nice though. i connect with the topic though. i think a lot of people feel that way. this poem just seems average to me. not good, but not bad either. just neutral.

AngelBaby88 wrote:It must be nice to be so perfect, to be so cool
it must be nice to drive in nice sports convertables
and it must really be nice to treat others like they are
nothing, nothing but some pile of dog shit you may be lucky
to find on your way home to your nice fucking home.
but most of all it must be nice to take of advantage of seeing
life how you want it not and not from my eyes to tell ya it is nice
how lucky for you.

Here we go. Welcome. That is possibly the nicest thing I will say in this whole critique, possibly the only nice thing. I am going to be brutally honest, you may hate me for it, but it will help. Here goes.

Cliche. That is the one word that describes this poem.

The first line is just bad. It is overused, boring. The repetition in the first two lines doesn't work. Repetitition is something that is very hard to get right. It has to work well and flow; this doesn't.

Convertibles was spelled wrong. When you say it must be nice to drive in nice sports convertibles you use the word nice twice in the same sentence. Nice is a bland word. It doesn't make me feel anything when you sound nice. Change the words. They aren't descriptive enough. Your third line doesn't flow, the breaking between that and the next line doesn't work.

Nothing, nothing is another bad shot at repetition. Just one nothing. Your line break there is horrible. Put you may be lucky in another line. But most of all needs a comma after it. Put of seeing onto the next line. Get rid of the word not after want it. To tell ya it is nice needs to be erased. The last line isn't powerful, it doesn't work.

I usually go through and redo the whole poem, but I don't even know how. It needs to be totally redone and I'm not writing a poem for you. Then it would be mine. I don't feel like I know the subject, I don't feel what you feel. You need to get some emotion into this. Again, I'm sorry for the harsh criticsm, but you need to improve.

Nicole

thank you for all your crits...yesterday was a bad day for me...so yes sorry for harsh languge its just in my school in your not in the "it" crew you mise well be not even there so its always some new drama with them and for some reason we who are different get the heat of it. I just think its bull how people can look down their noses at people like they are nothing...im not saying all jocks,cheerleaders,etc are bad...so if your a jock or cheerleader or just some popular kid who doesnt treat others bad sorry not accussing...only kids at my school. so again sorry for the rude language and rude words.

I understand. I really do. I;'ve been through it all, and I know. Many people that writing their raw feelings will make their poem or story more powerful. Rarely is that true. Use your emotions, use your anger, and make it productive. Write a good, powerful poem with it. Just make sure you don't let your feelings overpower your writing ability...

thanks iam having a much better day today and its nice to know someone knows how i feel