She

She's like morning shine
after a rough night;
she’s everyone’s and mine
blissful, white light.

Her colors, her look
like a desert snake:
so mysterious-I’m hooked
like a swan in the lake.

I could lose myself
in her pretty blue eyes
like a sailor in the sea,
like a bird in the sky.

She’s the best actress
in the fun parts of my life,
but a sudden digress
makes a double edged knife.

She kicks the fear
out of ‘er heart;
when the end is near
she makes a new start.

As the time passes by
we’re becoming alone
‘cause I’ll here fly
and she’ll be gone.

Her feathers are too bright
for staying in this place,
in this cruel fight,
in this mad race.

Now I hear about lost glory:
it was her, it was me.
This was a story
that were we.




4th stanza: She's fun, she's not pretending or something...

Hi Darko! It's June!


Great to see more work from you! Let's run over this, shall we?

I could lost myself

in her pretty blue eyes

like a sailor on the sea,

like a bird in the sky.

• Could is implying that this is most likely present or future tense. However, lost is past tense. I think that you should either change could to could've or change lost to lose.


Moving on:

As the time passes by

we’re becoming alone

‘cause I’ll here fly

and she’ll be gone.

• The underlined line is confusing, dear! It's hard to tell what you mean by that-- I'm not sure if that's an error or you were trying for rhyme there?

Don't worry about following rhyme in all of your work, dear! Don't be afraid to be freeformed, use slant rhymes or don't use rhyme at all. It's the words that make the poem, not just the sound of it. If you try too hard for rhyme, you might mess up the overall feel of the poem, dear.

In some places, I felt that the rhyme was a bit forced. While you did use vivid imagery here, it felt out of place in some spots, in the sense that you used too much just so that you could rhyme, dear.


Nevertheless, I enjoyed this! I love how you kept the lines short and "clean" and didn't elaborate too much on one thing. Nice going with that .

Very sweet poem, dear . Keep it up!

June

springrain2693 wrote: Moving on:

As the time passes by

we’re becoming alone

‘cause I’ll here fly

and she’ll be gone.

• The underlined line is confusing, dear! It's hard to tell what you mean by that-- I'm not sure if that's an error or you were trying for rhyme there?

The original verse (or stanza) was:
1st choice:
"'cause I will be here"

2nd choice:
" because I will be here
and she will be gone."

Thanks for review........

Hey i like this, some bits are weird, and some images aren't quite right, but there are some really nice ones! I love the sailor and the bird bit, it's not particularly original, but it works.
And i'd say second choice for the gone bit.
How can "she" belong to everyone AND you?
I'm not sure I like the desert snake image... a snake is a particular image in occidental culture, it's evil, and the desert sounds dry and mean...
Oh and this sentence doesn't mean anything: "a sudden digress makes a double edged knife"
What were you trying to say?

"As the time passes by we’re becoming alone"
This is also grammatically odd, try "as times passes by, we become more alone"?

The last stanza lacks stamina and sort of ruins the end of your poem, how about deleting the last two verses for a more dramatic end?
Only suggestions, don't feel obliged to change anything, except that if you decide not to make these changes, I want to know why!!
xxx
Velvet

Velvet.whispers wrote:I'm not sure I like the desert snake image... a snake is a particular image in occidental culture, it's evil, and the desert sounds dry and mean...
Oh and this sentence doesn't mean anything: "a sudden digress makes a double edged knife"
What were you trying to say?


Velvet

She's very mean sometimes...like cold and warm...

Hey,
I'm relatively new to this entire process, so you'll have to forgive me for my mistakes. I enjoyed your poem a lot, the imagery you conjured fit beautifully with your words. In the third stanza the idea of losing oneself in her eyes, which are blue, and imagery of a a bird or sailor losing themselves to their respective environments, which coincidentally are also blue, was excellent. The last stanza was stylistically fantastic, I like that, while reading your poem, I got a very strong sense of you as a writer; you're confident enough to stylistically push the limits while doing so well. Perhaps you could look at one of my poems, once I figure out how to submit it of course! Ha, this is my first real post so I feel it amateurish to begin critiquing, just know I thoroughly enjoyed your poem.
PaperMoon

Hello.

I could lose myself

in her pretty blue eyes

like a sailor on the sea, (a sailor in

like a bird in the sky.

Sorry that was quite a nitpick. Your grammar might not even be wrong but in sound better than on.

She’s the best actress

in the fun parts of my life,

I like the lines above. There's some irony in it. She's an actress in the fun parts of your life? Does that mean that when she pretends at something it makes you happy? Anyway, 'twas two pretty lines.

As the time passes by

we’re becoming alone

‘cause I’ll here fly ( So you don't have to change the syllables at all my suggestion is you change this to 'Cause now I'll fly)

and she’ll be gone.

I loved your ending. The way the syllables are make it falter slightly in the end. It's not a bad thing here, it adds to the voice of your poem. This was sweet and beautiful. Rhythm is rather off though. My only suggestion regarding rhythm is read it out to yourself and listen if it flows alright. No extra or missing syllables in lines.

This was a brilliant read.

--Knightly

Thanks for reviews. You helped a lot...

Hello there

I really liked this. It was great. Nice wording.

I really enjoyed reading this. The way in which you described certain things was beautiful and original especially when you were talking about loosing yourself in her blue eyes. I like the end the most. It left me wondering, like catching a glimpse of a wing in the sky and wondering where its flying towards or what its flying away from. Well done.