Circumstantially Incorrect

This is the new and edited version. Thank you to all the critics! You helped a lot. Enjoy!


I pay no attention to my surroundings as I walk through the heavily populated Nightmare tunnel. Everyone pressing to make as wide a birth as they can for me and my ever-so-terrifying Shadows, for they are always with me.

Where I’m going, the giant Shoe-Mounds, where humans dare not show their face, are just as their name implies; giant mounds of shoes.

There is an ancient Nightmare tradition, you see. When humans undergo the transformation to a Nightmare, they find that their shoes hurt their feet. Plus, they grow about half a shoe-size. So when someone turns into a Nightmare, they put their shoes on this mountain of rubber-soles and leather. It’s pretty spiritual and important to Nightmares. Shaleer’s shoes will be joined here soon, too. Oh, how I cringe just thinking of it.

For some time I walk around the mound, ever lost in thought. Eventually, I stop walking and head back towards the Nightmare tunnel, my heart feeling heavy but giddy. The feeling Shaleer always gives me.

I linger around the corner, not wanting to leave in case Shaleer comes. Would I be able to even talk to her now? Is she already a full Nightmare? No, I refuse to think that her transformation is already complete. Had the procedure I had done work? Does she still have her soul? I try not to think about that, but the question still seeps through the barrier in my mind.

I don’t want to condemn Shaleer with my love. It isn’t safe for her. But I love her still and that will be my greatest fear and weakness.

Thinking of Shaleer, I walk back towards the mound, again. I look down and wipe the wet human emotions off my face. Crying is not something I am fond of doing.

I slip my brand-new, night black Vans off my feet. I had never worn socks in my life, so I’m barefooted, but it feels good. More free. I pick up the shoes and look at them for a minute. I had only bought them yesterday. I still set them on the mound, along with all the others.

I look up. Shaleer is standing mere yards away from me, with her mouth slightly agape. I turn and walk away without even a backward glance.

Do I, or do I not? A classic question, really.
Does she or does she not? Something that's haunted me for years.
Will I, or will I not? Quit talking to yourself!

Thoughts should be in italics.

I know where I’m going, yet not consciously.

This sentence doesn't sound right.

I get to where I’m going

Use another word besides "get."

Shoe-Mounds are just what the name is; giant mounds of shoes.

There should be a comma not a semicolon.

Plus, they grow about half of a shoe-size.

"Of" isn't needed in the sentence.

Most of your sentences start the same way, so you may want to try to change them. Also, you mostly tell things not show things. Overall the story is good, but it could be improved.

First off, I want to remark on how silly most people would think it would be to pull an excerpt out of the middle; I, however, think its freaking F.A.B.U.L.O.U.S. Anyway, now that play time is over, I’ll just get on with the reviewing.

Do I, or do I not? A classic question, really.
Does she or does she not? Something that's haunted me for years.
Will I, or will I not? Quit talking to yourself!

I actually like the way you open with this. It has a way of being rather charming as if to begin a specific section of your novel that will have special meaning. However, on the second line, I think it would be better off reading “Does she or doesn’t she?” that way your three lines read consistently.

I pay no attention to my surroundings as I walk through the heavily populated Nightmare tunnel, everyone making as wide a birth as they can for me and my ever-so-terrifying Shadows. My Shadows are always with me.

Okay, on first mention, I want to say that this is good. For being from the middle, you are still reminding your readers of the important details. However, I think a few small changes could be made: “I pay no attention to my surroundings as I walk through the heavily populated Nightmare tunnel. Everyone pressing to make as wide a birth as they can for me and my ever-so-terrifying Shadows, for they are always with me.” This becomes far more crisp and you don’t have the unneeded repetition of the word “shadows.”

I know where I’m going, yet not consciously. This leads us back to those ever-annoying questions up at the top. Can someone ever just know that someone loves them? I feel like I'm in a soap opera.

This seems weird, only because I’m not sure if your narrator spends a lot of time throughout the story addressing his writing directly or speaking to his readers then that’s fine. Also, the first sentence has a feeling of conveying the incorrect message. This should be fixed or removed along with the last sentence, at least in my opinion, for it really has no point nor does it possess any power in driving the story forward.

I get to where I’m going, the giant Shoe-Mounds that humans don’t dare come near. Shoe-Mounds are just what the name is; giant mounds of shoes.

Instead of “that human’s don’t dare come near” use something along the lines of “Shoe-Mounds, where humans dare not show there face.” Another change I would make is “just as the name says;” instead of “just what the name is;”. Also, your second sentence should begin with the word “The.”

There is an ancient Nightmare tradition, you see. When humans undergo the transformation to a Nightmare, they find that their shoes hurt their feet. Plus, they grow about half of a shoe-size.
So when someone turns into a Nightmare, they put their shoes on this mountain of rubber-soles and leather. It’s pretty spiritual and important to Nightmares.

I have to say, this is the first time I’ve ever advised anyone this way, but this could and probably should be just one paragraph…….Weird, I’ve never said that. I’ve told plenty of people that they could divide a big paragraph into little one but never the other way around. *starts to write such a special event on calendar*

I walk around the mound like I’m on a merry-go-round, ever lost in thought. I stop walking and head back towards the Nightmare tunnel, my heart feeling heavy but giddy.

A phrase as simple as “For some time,” in front of your first sentence and “Eventually” at the beginning of your second add a feeling of time passing (which is a good thing I think).

Did the procedure I did work on her?

The double-use of the word “did” sounds terrible. Try something like: “Had the procedure I had done on her worked?”

I refuse to think that too, but the question still breaks through the barrier in my mind.

This sentence could use a little cleaning up. Just changing it to something like: “I try not to think about that, but the question still breaks through the barrier in my mind.” And here’s just a creative suggestion: instead of using the word “breaks”, try something like “wriggles” or “seeps”. Breaks is such a common word but the others have a little more PAZZAZ, at least in my opinion and it will add some extra flavor to your writing.

I will not condemn Shaleer with my love. It is not safe for her. Yet I will still love her, and that will forevermore be my biggest fear and weakness.

Again, this is a place I feel improvement could be made. I’m not saying that anything is wrong, it’s just that things could become grrrreat…like frosted flakes

I would try something more like: “I don’t want to condemn Shaleer with my love. It isn’t safe for her. But I love her still and that will be my greatest fear and weakness.” Do you see the differences?

Thinking of Shaleer, I walk back towards the mound, again. I look down and wipe the wet human emotions off my face. Crying is not something I am fond of.

I have one thing I want to say. THIS IS AWESOME! Sorry for the caps, its just I really love this part. It feels perfect and the word choice is just splendid. I have just one minor pin-prick suggestion. This could make an army of angels fall to there knees if you added the word “doing” to the very end.

I slip my brand-new, night black Vans off my feet. I had never worn socks in my life, so I’m barefooted, but it feels good. More free.
I pick up the shoes and look at them for a minute. I had only bought them yesterday. I still set them on the mound, along with all the others.

It still feels weird saying this but these two paragraphs can be one.

I look up. Shaleer is standing mere yards away from me, with her mouth slightly agape. I turn and walk away without even a backward glance.

I like this ending portion as well. I can’t see anything wrong with it. It just leaves us hanging in a good spot.

Overall, this isn’t bad. I definitely just needs to have time spent cleaning it up. This means fine-tuning your word choice and making sure that sentences have variation as well as good flow. Anyway, congrats! *slinks away before anyone notices*

hey i liked it! For everyone else that read it and liked it peanutgallery007 are writing a book together, and here is my characters perspective of the event.
post528308.html#528308

Changes=bold
Italics=Suggestions (look below for more details)

Where I’m going, the giant Shoe-Mounds, where humans dare not show their face, are just as their name implies: giant mounds of shoes.

There is an ancient Nightmare tradition. [s]you see[/s]. When humans undergo the transformation to a Nightmare, they find that their shoes hurt their feet. Plus, they grow about half a shoe-size. So, when someone turns into a Nightmare, they put their shoes on this mountain of rubber-soles and leather.

1. I would not you use the phrase "you see". It sounds too strange to me.
2. Try this: "When a human undergoes the transformation to a Nightmare, they find that their shoes hurt their feet, and they grow half a shoe-size."

It isn’t safe for her, But I love her still. [s]and[/s] That will be my greatest fear and weakness.

There are occasions that buts and ands can begin sentences, but this isn't it.


Other notes: I'll break it to you: it's a little boring. I would read this story if I had to, but if this were something I wanted to pick up and read I would not even read past the first page. My suggestion would be to add more description. I feel as if I can not imagine what the characters look like, or what the scenery looks like. I can imagine the moutain of shoes well enough, but that is it. Another thing is this seemes a little short. I imagine every part and chapter in my stories as an essay somewhat. There's always an intro, a body, and (sometimes) a conclusion. You want to bring the reader in with the first few sentences, make them feel like they are there instead of just sitting on their butts reading.

Anyway, this story was ok, but could use a major overhall to make it better. Feel free to contact me with any questions you have, and if you need another review just PM me the link or give it to me in the Will Review For Food forum.