[deleted]

Thanks for reading and for the reviews - you guys are awesome!

Hey =]

Thanks for the PM!

I don't think that chapter was awful at all! It just seemed a little slow paced as you took the time to explain memories that help us to build up an image and personality of their mother.

I couldn't find any nik-piks but that may be because I was so engrossed in the story

The piece did flow well and was easy and enjoyable to read.

I think you may only hate this chapter as it isn't as full of action and dialougue as the previous parts. This is okay though, like I said before.

I would point out that you tend to use quite long sentences - I myself have that problam too. Maybe if you broke some of the sentences up a bit, some of the ideas - like the memory of them playing in the river - would seem a little more clear cut.

I'm sorry that this review hasn't really been that helpful, but like I've said before, I really like this story.

I hope some other members can be of more use to you than I've been

Please can you PM me when you post the next part?

Keep writing!

xDudettex

Hey!

Thalia and I looked at each other, eyes wide with fright, not knowing what to do. Hesitantly, Thalia crept up on the fallen figure and said, “Malc? Mr. Malc, sir? I meant no harm, really. Are you alright?”


I didn’t know what to do, so I just stood there in shock. From where I stood, I could see as Thalia bent down and put her ear near Malc’s mouth. I wondered what she was doing, though I guess I should have known. After all, I was the one who watched as Ma doctored the sick, the ones who needed care from the village. Though some called Ma a “Devil’s Sorcerer” for meddling in the Healing Arts add comma here they went to her anyway. Time and time again she proved that she did know what she was doing to those who cursed her.


I drew a little closer and noticed that Malc’s hood had fallen off when he fell and I stared at his silky chin-length dark hair. He looked young, but at the same time [s]had[/s] lines on his face [s]that[/s] showed years of hardship. He had one scar that went from one side of his face to the other. It started about an inch from the corner of his lip, went over his nose, and wound up just below his left eye. On almost any other person, the affect that scar gave would have been horrible, but on Malc, however, it just seemed to fit. I think instead of 'but on Malc, however' it would be better to do: however on Malc. This is just my opinion.It not only gave him a rough and slightly dangerous air, but also a well-traveled, woodsman, and experienced-beyond-his-years look.Not too sure about the 'woodsman' bit, sort of stopped the flow for some reason. Re read the sentence and decide for yourself His eyes were shut, fringed by the barest hint of dark lashes with ebony brows arching downward on his forehead.


Now I knew,This first bit does not seem to make sense with the rest of the sentence. I would suggest re phrasing it or removing it. I realized as soon as Thalia spoke that this was no time to dwell on idle thoughts. “Evie! Quickly, go and get Mother!” (She had recently started called our Ma “mother” because that’s what the other girls called their Ma’s down in the village; Thalia thought it sounded more grown up than just plain “ma”.) She perceived my scared expression and said somewhat more gently, “Hurry, Evie! It’s going to be all right, but just hurry! Go!” She made flapping motions with her arms, and I took off up that hill so fast I thought I might just start flying! I had never run so fast in my life before, and, as I ran, I took comfort in my sister’s words which kept repeating themselves like a mantra over in my head. “It will be all right…all right…all right.”


As I ran, I wondered who the man was, and why he’d fallen so suddenly when he’d seemed find just moments before. Then, when I thought about it, I realized that he’d been walking funny before he’d caught us, and wondered what was wrong with him. Before long, my thoughts were only concentrating on my legs-they were aching, which made the climb up the hill seem much more difficult than it really was. My breath was coming in little puffs and I desperately wanted a drink of nice, cold water to wet my dry riverbed mouth, but I kept on. After what seemed a long time, though it was actually more like two minutes, I reached the top. I ran past the place where Thalia and I had played with our dolls, hardly slowing down, even though I wanted nothing more than to sit down under some shade. I hurried past our giant oak tree, its ancient branches waving me on; past the west end of our sheep pasture, spotting a few of the fluffy animals in the distance; past Ma’s well-loved garden and flower beds, and into our small , round, thatch-roofed house. The contents of the paragraph above are really good but you started on the complicated sentences thing . Try shortening some, especially that last one which was very long. Don't worry though, you have definitely improved on the comma thing since chapter one


Our house was mainly one floor with a loft at the far end where Thalia and I had our bed. The loft took up half the house and to get to it we had to climb up a ladder, which neither of us really liked, though Thalia took it with a better attitude than me. At night we could look out and see half of the house laid out before us. When anyone came through our door the first thing they would see would be the kitchen to their right and the table in the dining room to their left. A half wall separated the kitchen from the rest of the house, which was only Ma and Pa’s bed, and a few other odds and ends. The fireplace was over in the dining room with windows on either side, right by the table, and a stuffed faded red arm chair sat angled toward it. Hmm, this paragraph is sort of info dumping and also there is alot of telling. For more information, check out the show and not tell article under the 'knowledge base' part of the site.

Ma looked up from what she was doing as I burst through the door. It was darker inside and it took a minute for my eyes to adjust to the sudden change. When I could finally see again, I saw Ma at the counter making what was, if my nose was correct, her infamous bread. Her sleeves were rolled back, revealing the long years of her work in the garden in her tanned skin; flour was halfway up her forearms and an apron tied around her waist.


When she saw me, she hurriedly wiped her hands on her apron, getting the [s]four[/s] flour off without making a mess, which, how she did that, was beyond me.Sentence before this was quite long! Her dark hair was piled atop her head, and her dark blue eyes flashed concern at me, though I didn’t realize it at the time. “Evie?” she asked, though I didn’t know why-it was clearly me, “Evie, what’s wrong?” Her eyes scanned the room as she realized Thalia wasn’t with me. “Evie, where’s Thalia?”


“Ma!” I said excitedly, “Ma, there-there’s a man! Thalia, she’s with him, and-“


“What?” she exclaimed, sounding half frightened, half angry, “Where? What happened?”


“Well, Malc, the man, he-he fell over and Thalia stayed. She told me to come get you, Ma. Ma? What’s wrong?” I asked, for she had gone slightly paler and had a funny expression on her face.


She didn’t answer, only wiped her hands again, though they were mostly clean from when she had done so before. Brushing away a strand of run-away hair from her mouth insert comma here she looked at nothing in particular and took a few steps forward. I wondered what she was doing, but I knew I had to get her to come with me-Thalia’d told me too, and besides, even I could tell there was something wrong with Malc. Healthy people don’t just fall over, not like that-or so it was to my thinking then. I wondered if I should ask her again, but was hesitant as I knew she didn’t like to be bothered when she was in the middle of something. She got very unpleasant when that happened, and I can recall an incident that happened when Thalia was five and I was three.


We’d been playing down near the river (Ma wasn’t to know because she thought it was too dangerous and we’d snuck away when her back was turned) when we came upon a frog. I didn’t like it much-it scared me when it croaked and jumped and it was very slimy with big eyes-but Thalia thought it was the greatest thing since the sun. I think the last sentence was too long She gave it a name, Hoppy, if I’m not mistaken, and it became her new pet and best friend. Eventually, I caught on to her excitement, and we were so happy that we rushed up to show Ma our prize. Unfortunately, we forgot that we’d gotten colored brown from the muddy banks so Ma had a fit when she saw us. At the time, she’d been trying to make us birthday scarves (we were both, oddly enough, born in the winter) and didn’t realize at first why we were so happy-or that we were covered in mud. She’d just told us to go away, but we kept pestering her until she relented. She was very cross by then and our bothering her hadn’t helped any in the least. We showed her our pet, but she didn’t like it as much as we had. In fact, she screamed and told us to take “that vile creature” back where it came from! Well, then I had to go and say, of course, we found it by the river and, oh, was she mad then! Thalia had glared at me, and, after Ma’s tirade, we release the frog into our garden and we haven’t seen it since. Afterwards, Ma forbid us to go near the river until we could learn to use our heads properly and not come to her for every little thing. I realize now that Ma wasn’t really annoyed at getting interrupted, but when I was little that’s how the whole thing seemed to me; because of that, I was hesitant about trying to talk to her again, but I figured that I’d better do something.


I tugged on a small handful of her skirt, the light pink material bunching in my small fist. “Ma?” I asked, “Ma, will you come? Thalia said to come right away, Ma!”


She broke out of her reverie, blinking, and looked at me, her mouth in a small “o”. “Oh. Yes. That’s right.” She seemed to be having trouble putting words together, so I pulled on her skirt again, knowing I needed to get her to follow me.


“Come on, Ma! Please? Thalia said hurry!” I begged.


Quickly, Ma snapped into action, grabbing a few objects from her special shelves, the ones above the fireplace where she stored her healing things, and rushed out the door, not even bothering to take off her apron. I trailed after her, going as fast as I could without killing myself. We flew down the hill, and, though we were trying to be careful, we stumbled more than once, and I almost fell a few times. I had to grab onto rocks and low-hanging branches to keep my feet. When we reached the bushes where my sister and I had hidden, we saw Thalia still vigilant beside Malc. He was as still as when I'd left him.

Hey! I'm back! *eerie voice*

This was not bad at all! It was just not as face paced as you other chapters but I feel this part is definitely necessary, we get to know the mother very well and I give you an A+ for character development .
Could not really find many mistakes except for the few nit picks above. You have definitely improved witht he whole comma thing
Keep up the awesome-ness!
*hands a friendship cookie*
PM me if you need anything/when next part is up!
xxmiixx

Hi! I haven't reviewed the second part but if you like I can? I did like this chapter, I think you could make some adjustments to keep the excitement up but overall its not as bad as you think! I'll go through some nitpicks first before overall stuff

Hesitantly, Thalia crept up on the fallen figure and said, “Malc? Mr. Malc, sir? I meant no harm, really. Are you alright?”

'crept up to' instead of 'up on' might sound better, and I'd leave out 'and said' as you can already tell whose talking.

I didn’t know what to do, so I just stood there in shock. From where I stood, I could see as Thalia bent down

You repeat stood here so I'd maybe change one, maybe 'from where I stood' could be 'from my position' or 'from my stance'.

I wondered what she was doing, though I guess I should have known. After all, I was the one who watched as Ma doctored the sick, the ones who needed care from the village.

I'd add 'now' after guess to make clear that she's thinking back on it and thinking that in the present. I'm not sure about having both 'the sick' and 'the ones who needed care from the village', I'd probably just stick with one or combine them a bite more- 'as Ma doctored the sick from the village'.

Time and time again she proved that she did know what she was doing to those who cursed her.

This sentence was a bit confusing when I first read it, I'd maybe leave out 'to those who cursed her' or reword and separate it a bit by a dash, and instead of 'she proved' maybe 'she had proven' would flow better, so overall something like this- 'Time and time again she had proven that she did know what she was doing- even to those who cursed her.'

I drew a little closer and noticed that Malc’s hood had fallen off when he fell and I stared at his silky chin-length dark hair.

I think this might sound better as two sentences. Maybe with a full stop after 'when he fell' and perhaps adding 'I couldn't help but stare' instead of 'I stared'.

He looked young, but at the same time had lines on his face that showed years of hardship. He had one scar that went from one side of his face to the other.

I'm not sure about 'at the same time'- maybe something like 'but the lines that criss-crossed his face showed years of hardship.'

His eyes were shut, fringed by the barest hint of dark lashes with ebony brows arching downward on forehead.

'arching downward on forehead' doesn't sound right- maybe just 'arched ebony eyebrows' would be better. If not, I'd maybe rephrase the last part to be a bit clearer in its imagery.

Now I knew, I realized as soon as Thalia spoke that this was no time to dwell on idle thoughts.

I think this sentence might sound better with out 'Now I knew'.

She made flapping motions with her arms, and I took off up that hill so fast I thought I might just start flying! I had never run so fast in my life before, and, as I ran, I took comfort in my sister’s words which kept repeating themselves like a mantra over in my head. “It will be all right…all right…all right.”

I'm not that keen on using the exclamation mark here, especially as the moment is quite a serious one- I think it would be better to leave it out. I'd maybe rephrase the last bit a little, I think it might sound better as something like 'I took comfort in my sisters words, repeating them like a mantra over and over in my head.' I'd also maybe put the words in italics as they are thoughts and not spoken out loud.

As I ran, I wondered who the man was, and why he’d fallen so suddenly when he’d seemed find just moments before. Then, when I thought about it, I realized that he’d been walking funny before he’d caught us, and wondered what was wrong with him. Before long, my thoughts were only concentrating on my legs-they were aching, which made the climb up the hill seem much more difficult than it really was.

'find' should be 'fine'. I think the first two sentences here could be re-written to run more smoothly. If perhaps you wrote her actual thoughts at some points it might improve this part instead of telling what she thought. Something like maybe 'As I ran, my thoughts turned to who the man was and why he'd fallen so suddenly when he had appeared to be perfectly fine just moments before. But wait.. he'd been walking funny to start with- what was wrong with him?'

My breath was coming in little puffs and I desperately wanted a drink of nice, cold water to wet my dry riverbed mouth, but I kept on.

The use of 'riverbed' doesn't seem to fit in here to me, I'd either expand upon the comparison so that it is more at place or leave it out.

I ran past the place where Thalia and I had played with our dolls, hardly slowing down, even though I wanted nothing more than to sit down under some shade.

I think 'some shade' might sound better as 'the shade'.

and into our small , round, thatch-roofed house.

The comma needs to be a space back

Our house was mainly one floor with a loft at the far end where Thalia and I had our bed.

Instead of 'had our bed' maybe 'where me and Thalia slept' would sound better.

The fireplace was over in the dining room with windows on either side, right by the table, and a stuffed faded red arm chair sat angled toward it.

I'm a bit confused as to what 'right by the table' is referring to- are you talking about where a window is? If so I'd change ',right by the table' to maybe 'and by the table'.

I saw Ma at the counter making what was, if my nose was correct, her infamous bread. Her sleeves were rolled back, revealing the long years of her work in the garden in her tanned skin;

infamous is a bad thing- did you mean to say that? If so then maybe it would be good to expand upon why it was infamous, does it taste horrible? I'd maybe rearrange the last part of this sentence too- 'her tanned skin revealing her long years of work in the garden'- as I think it flows a bit easier.

When she saw me, she hurriedly wiped her hands on her apron, getting the four off without making a mess, which, how she did that, was beyond me.

'four' should be 'flour' I'd maybe leave out which, replacing it with a dash and change 'how she did that' to something like 'how she managed it'.

Her dark hair was piled atop her head, and her dark blue eyes flashed concern at me, though I didn’t realize it at the time.

I'm not that keen on 'flashed concern at me' as generally if your eyes flash at someone I kind of think of anger- maybe 'her eyes flashed with concern'?

“Ma!” I said excitedly, “Ma, there-there’s a man! Thalia, she’s with him, and-“

I wouldn't really think she would be excited- desperate and panicky yes but not really excited as that's more of a happy feeling.

(Ma wasn’t to know because she thought it was too dangerous and we’d snuck away when her back was turned)

I think 'and' might be better as 'so'.

but Thalia thought it was the greatest thing since the sun.

I'm not sure about this- I think you could say something better. 'Best thing in the world' or another phrase might be better, I think you could play around with it some more.

She was very cross by then and our bothering her hadn’t helped any in the least.

I don't think you need 'any' here.

Thalia had glared at me, and, after Ma’s tirade, we release the frog into our garden and we haven’t seen it since.

'release' should be 'released' I think.

I realize now that Ma wasn’t really annoyed at getting interrupted, but when was little that’s how the whole thing seemed to me; because of that, I was hesitant about trying to talk to her again, but I figured that I’d better do something.

'when was little' needs to be 'when I was little'.

She broke out of her reverie, blinking, and looked at me, her mouth in a small “o”.

Instead of speech marks I'd maybe use ' instead - sorry forgot the word !

Ma snapped into action, grabbing a few objects from her special shelves, the ones above the fireplace where she stored her healing things, and rushed out the door, not even bothering to take off her apron.

I think 'rushed' should be 'rushing'- I'm not completely sure though

I had to grab onto rocks and low-hanging branches to keep my feet.

'to keep on my feet' might make more sense.

Overall: I'm sorry the nitpicks are so long! It did take me ageeeeees. A Lot of them are just opinion so ignore me if you want, I tend to have some views on words and stuff that others don't so it might just be me I did really like this part! I like how you have expanded upon just what would be normally a quick scene, instead of skimming over getting her mother you have managed to introduce her properly and reveal more on the main characters childhood. Nicely done!

I'm not sure how you will feel about this- its just a suggestion though I think you could maybe leave out the memory of her mother getting annoyed, as its quite long and kind of (for me) detracts from the urgency of the situation. I'd maybe add it in later on as it is quite sweet, but just at this part everything being rushed and all panicky works to build up the excitement- the memory just seems too lovely to be in there

I think you could maybe add more on how she is feeling- panic and stuff. When she arrives to tell her mum is her heart thumping? That sort of thing. She sounds excited but if I was her age and had just seen that I think I would be kind of scared too! I'd maybe add some detail on that. I love how you have got some detail on the mothers appearance- I've got a good sense of what she's like from your description

The last paragraph is great in adding to the quick-paced rush of everything. I am really keen to find out what is going to happen next! I do think you may have some comma mistakes but I am not too good myself in that area so if there are any then someone else will have to point them out

So really great! You shouldn't have felt so unconfident about this chapter, I have suggested some changes but you can ignore me if you like Looking forward to reading more and hope I've helped!

Heya! Thanks for the PM.

I didn't find this chapter...ugh. I believe that's how you described it. The others pointed out everything so there is, once again, nothing for me to review ^_^

I think the reason you're not to happy with this chapter is because it's not as fast paced as the first two parts. I liked this chapter. Especially the way you described the mother and the way you showed her character to us.

The memory is sweet too. I'd keep it in there. It does take away from the urgency of the situation at hand but it adds to the story in it's own way and to the mother's character.

But I agree with Pippie. You should show more of the MC's fear and even her curiosity. She is a small girl after all. I have neices this age and they get scared easily but they're very curious ^_^

Good job on it ^_^ It's coming along wonderfully! Oh, and PM when the next part is up please. I must know what happens next. I'm hooked.

Happy Writing!

Meadow

Well! I am very late reviewing this, and for that I apologise. Also, since grammar has been covered, I'll just point out some things:

After what seemed a long time, though it was actually more like two minutes, I reached the top.

Unless this world has sundials, there wouldn't really be such a time denomination as "two minutes." It would be "A few minutes."

Our house was mainly one floor with a loft at the far end where Thalia and I had our bed. The loft took up half the house and to get to it we had to climb up a ladder, which neither of us really liked, though Thalia took it with a better attitude than me. At night we could look out and see half of the house laid out before us. When anyone came through our door the first thing they would see would be the kitchen to their right and the table in the dining room to their left. A half wall separated the kitchen from the rest of the house, which was only Ma and Pa’s bed, and a few other odds and ends. The fireplace was over in the dining room with windows on either side, right by the table, and a stuffed faded red arm chair sat angled toward it.

Ma looked up from what she was doing as I burst through the door. It was darker inside and it took a minute for my eyes to adjust to the sudden change.

~ How can she see what the house looks like if things suddenly go dark when she bursts in the door? It would be a good idea to put the description after her eyes have adjusted. Then we don't do a double-take. ^_^

~ Perhaps you could cut down on the amount of description here? It's a bit long, and I started to skim it come about half-way through.

~ I would do a bit more research into what houses looked like during this time period (which, as far as I can tell, is Meadeval). It doesn't seem to fit, in my opinion. Not for the village-outskirts setting.

“Evie?” she asked, though I didn’t know why-it was clearly me, “Evie, what’s wrong?” Her eyes scanned the room as she realized Thalia wasn’t with me. “Evie, where’s Thalia?”

Every single bit of dialogue the mother has begins with "Evie." It can be a bit unrealistic. I find the realism would be back if you nixed "Evie" in the third bit of dialogue. ^_^

She got very unpleasant when that happened, and I can recall an incident that happened when Thalia was five and I was three.

We’d been playing down near the river (Ma wasn’t to know because she thought it was too dangerous and we’d snuck away when her back was turned) when we came upon a frog. I didn’t like it much-it scared me when it croaked and jumped and it was very slimy with big eyes-but Thalia thought it was the greatest thing since the sun. She gave it a name, Hoppy, if I’m not mistaken, and it became her new pet and best friend. Eventually, I caught on to her excitement, and we were so happy that we rushed up to show Ma our prize. Unfortunately, we forgot that we’d gotten colored brown from the muddy banks so Ma had a fit when she saw us. At the time, she’d been trying to make us birthday scarves (we were both, oddly enough, born in the winter) and didn’t realize at first why we were so happy-or that we were covered in mud. She’d just told us to go away, but we kept pestering her until she relented. She was very cross by then and our bothering her hadn’t helped any in the least. We showed her our pet, but she didn’t like it as much as we had. In fact, she screamed and told us to take “that vile creature” back where it came from! Well, then I had to go and say, of course, we found it by the river and, oh, was she mad then! Thalia had glared at me, and, after Ma’s tirade, we release the frog into our garden and we haven’t seen it since. Afterwards, Ma forbid us to go near the river until we could learn to use our heads properly and not come to her for every little thing. I realize now that Ma wasn’t really annoyed at getting interrupted, but when was little that’s how the whole thing seemed to me; because of that, I was hesitant about trying to talk to her again, but I figured that I’d better do something.

Hmm, this is one of the few places where the flash-back nature of this piece becomes obvious. I am left wondering why this is important, other then to prove how testy the mother can be when interupted. If frogs, or the river become important later then leave this as-is (well, maybe cut down on the details slightly ) but if frogs or rivers are not important later on, cut this down big time. As in, just give us the bare details.

~~

Punctuation and sentences: First and foremost, dashes should be treated like any other punctuation mark. Ie- They have a space after them. If you don't put spaces, they become hyphens, and you really don't want that.

Secondly, you can have some pretty long and hard to read sentences in here. Some of it is due to the little dash thing (look above) while others is simply you have an "action list." Action lists are when you have a person doing several actions and, to show that they were done in a certain order, you make them into lists. Personally, I find that any action list over two items is a bit long. Try keeping those lists to two items. ^_^

Characters: I like the slight mystery you have going on with the mother and freezing upon hearing Malc's name. But, I would like a bit more explanation on why Thalia talks more like a ten/twelve year old, not an eight year old. I liked the "Mr. Malc" but, though. That was sweet and totally age-apropret.

Description: I think you're spending a bit too much time dumping all this information on us, and not quite enough time explaining why you're telling us all this. Take the house for example. It might do more good if you told us where people sat, what they normally did in the house, where her Ma's medicins are, where patients get set up when they go see her for a healing, ect. Make us care when you describe things. Caring is what keeps people from skimming descriptions.

Questions? Drop me a line.

~Rosey