My New World

My New World

One year
of no sleep.
My skin pale
and eyes weak.
Every new book
is a new world.
I skip math
to read under the desk.
Grades suffer,
what a mess.
Can’t put them down,
far too hard.
Having no will
is hard to hide.
My friends reminded
me to eat.
They never looked
down at me.
A gentle voice finally
pulled me away
from the sci-fi place.
Eyes deep blue
and hair the shade of moon.
Worlds collapsed
from my soul.
He replaced them
and filled the hole.


Hey, thank you so much for comenting on my other poems. I'm learning so much. {I'm not being sarcastic).

Hi, Peyton! Music here. Again.

One nit-pick before I do overall.

Can’t put them down,

far too hard.

I thought the concept of this poem was nice. The rhymes didn't seem too forced. At times, though, the rhythm got thrown off for me. Not sure how to help correct that.

I liked the descriptions of the POV's looks and such. I think it added a nice touch to the poem.

Overall, good job. As I've told you, keep it up! Getting better is what YWS if for.

Love,
Music.

Hey Peyton! I'm June, and I'm going to review this for you .

I love the concept here, and I love the way it's written. The lines are short, making it super easy for us to understand, read, and relate to this. And they have a perfect rhyme scheme.

The only thing I would suggest would be spacing out your couplets; the two lines that rhyme. It would be easier to read this if there was a space separating the rhyming lines.

Like Music mentioned, the rhythm seemed a bit off in some places. Nothing too major, dear, you simply just need to pay attention to word length. Make sure that your words sound and look around the same length so that you don't pose confusion for the reader.

But, this is great! It's almost like opening a new chapter in a characters life.

A very refreshing read, well done, dear. Keep it up!

PM me if you have any questions!

June

I really liked the kind of feel you get from it, and it has little detail as to why, but it is so good that you don't want to know. You just want the narrator to get better, and to stop spiralling into this creative, horrible abyss.

I would have liked commas, but they are not needed. It would just make it slightly easier to read, especially aloud.

it's a good work.
yes though I really don't care too much for rhyme poetry I never found the style too forced or too distracting that it would take the reader out the piece. It's sharp and simple and conveys the work with some good imagery and a well told message.

Sure the work may be a dark but you offer a deep insight despite the simple style you tell the tale with. It's a good job. I especially enjoyed the final lines in the story.

keep up the good work, just work on the structure a bit (more focused, for a better flow)
and you'll be even better.

Mike.