A Titleless Story (8)

** I am no longer using YWS but I'd like to say thank you to everyone who commented on my work and helped me to improve it - you guys are seriously amazing and I love you all. Thank you!! xx **

Hey Lucy!

I actually read this a while back but totally forgot to review it. I loved this a lot and can't wait for more. I couldn't find any big errors or grammatical stuff so you're good! I love her brother he reminds me so much of my own and I can't wait for her to see Jared again!

Moonlight

Pm me when ya have more!

I love this the characters are really believable. I really wanna know whats going to happen to Jared and Rosaline!
I didn't find any mistakes, when I was reading it either (you know how much I love my emoticons!)
I can't wait to read the rest, PM me when you have the next bit posted!
you should definitely keep at this, it's awesome!
xxxx

Hey! Sorry it took me so long to review one of these, but here I am .

I actually had a hard time finding something to say about it besides "it was awesome", but here goes nothing...

“I’m positive, besides I’ll be on maternity leave soon enough.”

There needs to be a period after "I'm positive", or a semi-colon or something. It sounds like a run-on/fragment without it.
Second, when she calls Jase "big bro", that's sweet, but not very realistic. That always reminds me of sportsy people who are male, and she isn't either one of them Then, right after that, she starts crying. I think that's moving a little bit too fast there. Also, I know Jase is the ideal big brother, comforting, kind, funny, etc., but I don't think he would really know what to do when she cries. It should be an awkward moment, I think.

"No need to look so guilty."

That's nice of her, but that makes her sound like some old lady who goes out with young men all the time and thinks that she's experienced. After all, the girl has only been with one guy--Jared--right? I just think that sounds bad.

And last, Jase telling her to go see Jared and meet Cerise. That doesn't make sense. It makes him have a complete aboutface from freaking out that she knows who Cerise is. And that seems a little soon to be telling her to go see her ex-soul-mate and his new girl, doesn't it? It doesn't seem very tactful, especially with Jase's girl being able to "put him in his place", and her not saying anything.

Okay, that's all. Keep writing! Can't wait to find out what happens next...

Ugggggg! My computer just deleted the whole entire review I was finished with to give you and now it's gone. GONE!!

Oh well. I can't rant forever. Now, let's finish this reivew once and for all

Rosaline smiled at Jase, trying to take it in that she was seeing her brother again for the first time in ten – ten – years.

I don't think the dashes you use really emphasis anything. I think you should use italics or something. Maybe even try this: ...seeing her brother again for the first time in ten - has it really been that long? - years.

“Oh I missed you, you silly cow,” Jase said.

Silly cow? lol I wish people in America talked like that

“Now you have no reason to be angry,” Jase said sternly, “it’s not Jared’s fault that you weren’t here and that happened.”

How does Rosaline feel when Jase says this? Angry? Sad? Regretful? Elaborate more here on her emotions and thoughts.

Rosaline smiled at Cynthia, who smiled back a dazzling smile.

Too much smiling going on here. Make one a "grin" or a "beam"

“She’s a sad girl, Cynthia, a very sad, lonely woman.” Jase kissed Cynthia’s forehead, vowing that he would change that; vowing he would make his little sister happy again.

Cute Ending Makes me wanna have a big brother...

~ ~ ~ ~

Allrighty, I think you did mighty well, lucy lu! I loved all the conversations and you created a very believable atmosphere for your readers. The only thing I would work on is clarifying the things I pointed out above ^^^ and making the conversation between the two sisters flow easier at the beginning.

Otherwise, I loved it!

*clicks gold star button with a flourish*