Helping Hand

From my view sitting on the graffitied bus bench,
I watched the cars reflecting the light like sea glass
As they drove past. A multitude of people clogged
The sidewalks, making fast movement impossible.

I read the signs in the surrounding area.
Wicked was sold out for the third week in a row.
A car pulled into an open spot not far from
Me. The sun smiled on the car, causing a glare.

A woman wearing a pencil skirt and wedges
Stepped out of her car, shutting the door with a bang.
Her footsteps were a metronome the way they kept
A steady rhythm as she moved to the trunk.

She placed a box on the pavement by the car’s wheel,
Then reached in again for an identical box.
The woman shut the back door and stacked one box on
top of the other before she lifted them both.

And then the top box started to slip to the right.
And then that same box was headed towards the ground.
And then a man appeared at her side and caught the
Escaping box before it could hit the cement.

The woman thanked him, a relieved look on her face.
The man simply smiled and continued on to
Wherever destination he was headed to.
She adjusted the boxes and went on her way.

I could not help but smile at what I just saw.
A joyful warmth consumed me when my bus pulled up.
I took the last open seat. But then I saw an
Elderly man with a cane step onto the bus.

Remembering what I had witnessed, I stood up.

Hi, Alyssa! June here!

I haven't much to say on this, other than the fact that I enjoyed it!

I disagree. It was not over structured, dear! The only thing about this is, it's feeling a little "flat" in some places. For instance, I feel that you could have use more descriptive words that are not used in everyday speech to make this sound more poetic than like a story being told.

In describing the setting, I feel that in some places you described the unnecessary, dear. The part about Wicked feels misplaced-- possibly because it is the only "odd" fact that you have pointed out dear. Keep an eye on that! Connectivity matters.


But! I absolutely love this piece, dear-- mostly because of the moral in it. (Gold star) I especially enjoy the shortness of the last line-- whatever you do to this piece, don't change it! It gives the poem the final sweet touch.

Well done! Looking forward to more of your work!

June

I have no points that June didn't point out, so I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed it. It's the kind of poem that makes your day when you read it. There is so much entertainment these days about unhappiness. I love it when I come across something happy, so I'm only commenting really to tell you that you've got a gold star and that I agree, please don't change it!

Matt.

Ok, here goes stanza by stanza!

From my view sitting on the graffitied bus bench,
I watched the cars reflecting the light like sea glass
As they drove past. A multitude of people clogged
The sidewalks, making fast movement impossible.

Do you want to keep a four verse stanza? because is ort of imagine this with smaller less regular verses, it would just make the rhythm different and maybe take away the impression over structure.
for example:
"From my view
sitting on the graffitied bus bench,
I watched the cars reflecting the light,
Like sea glass
As they drove past.
A multitude of people clogged the sidewalks,
Making fast movement impossible"
etc...
I suggest you try playing around with the poem like that airing it out, it will loose it's slightly academic touch and become more modern and original that way. Try it on the whole poem.
And what do you mean by "sea glass"??!

I read the signs in the surrounding area.
Wicked was sold out for the third week in a row.
A car pulled into an open spot not far from
Me. The sun smiled on the car, causing a glare.

I'm not sure about the utility of the last sentence here, you've already mentioned the sun on the cars in the last stanza, and if it's just to make a fourth verse it might be unnecessary. The "smiling sun" is a nice touch, but the word "glare" is a bit inappropriate. Try thinking of the symbolic implications of the words you use when writing poetry: every word counts and has to be just the right one!

A woman wearing a pencil skirt and wedges
Stepped out of her car, shutting the door with a bang.
Her footsteps were a metronome the way they kept
A steady rhythm as she moved to the trunk.

What's a "pencil skirt"? Is that a metaphor or the actual name of a certain type of skirt? Enlighten me I beg of you!!
in the third word maybe turn the "metronome" metaphor into a simile by adding the word "like" as in "like a metronome"? Maybe use "back of the car" rather than "trunk" which sounds unnatural and is a tad confusing. I thought you meant an actual trunk!

She placed a box on the pavement by the car’s wheel,
Then reached in again for an identical box.
The woman shut the back door and stacked one box on
top of the other before she lifted them both.

Something is wrong with the link between the first and second couple of verses but i'm not sure what, try playing around with it.

And then the top box started to slip to the right.
And then that same box was headed towards the ground.
And then a man appeared at her side and caught the
Escaping box before it could hit the cement.

okay, drop the "and then" unless you have a good reason for keeping it there, it completely breaks up the rhythm of the stanza!

The woman thanked him, a relieved look on her face.
The man simply smiled and continued on to
Wherever destination he was headed to.
She adjusted the boxes and went on her way.

This is interesting, but maybe you want to make that moment between this man and this woman longer. How does the woman react to this sudden rescue. If a man was this close to you randomly helping you would you feel "relieved" or more: you might fee flattered, or embarrassed... try making that moment between them evolve into something more special.

I could not help but smile at what I just saw.
A joyful warmth consumed me when my bus pulled up.
I took the last open seat. But then I saw an
Elderly man with a cane step onto the bus.
Remembering what I had witnessed, I stood up.

the first verse doesn't make sense grammatically,
try: "I could not stop myself from smiling at what I had seen" or "what I saw made me smile despite myself"...?
describe the old man, tell us more about him. This sacrifice of yours should not leave him senseless, describe his eyes when he sees you or something!!!

Ok so all in all:
The idea's nice if unoriginal, in order to escape that you do need the structure to be less rigid, so just try playing around with it: irregular verses and irregular stanzas.
Try to make the shape of the poem reflect the story and this will help you rhythm to flow better!

Of course, these are only suggestions, feel free to ignore them. However if you do ignore them please justify your choice by answering so that we know it's a processed decision and not just laziness on your part!
I hope you found this helpful,
Velvet