-Inconcessus- Nine

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Ooo, I loved writing this chapter and the one after this so hopefully it shows.

Happy Reading :D

____________________

CHAPTER NINE

After Cassandra finished checking the rest of my body, including my bruised arm and ribs, she released me from her care, telling—no, rather ordering me to get some sleep.
Lying in my bed, my mind kept replaying the scene with Nate over and over again. It wasn’t even like he was Nate anymore, but just a monster in his body. Had I looked like that when I had let myself go? Had I looked that horrible?
Rolling over, I faced Elena’s empty bed. She was downstairs with Anita and Walter. I could tell by her voice, which was so easy to distinguish from the others, her accent thick and noticeable. Though I couldn’t hear what they were saying—they were no doubt using every precaution to keep Nate safe and anonymous—I could still hear their murmurs and it was hard for me to sleep with that buzzing in the background. I needed to get out of here, to clear my head. I wanted to help find Nate, I needed to know where he was and that he was safe.
Sitting up restlessly, I covered my eyes with my hands and breathed softly. The muscles in my shoulders were tense and sore, along with those on my ribs and when I moved, they cried out with throbbing pain. I let my fingers touch the precise stitching Cassandra had given me, the skin feeling uneven, the thread thick and strong, holding the folds together. Standing from the bed, I opened the closet door and looked at my cut in the mirror.
It ran down the side of my face in a long, slightly jagged line, disappearing into my hairline and reaching all the way down to end at my jaw line. My whole right side of my face was a blotchy red from the wound and I touched it tentatively again.
I had forgotten to ask Cassandra if it was permanent.
The door swung open behind me and I could see in the reflection of the mirror Dover enter, followed by Randy, Michael, and a very tense Carmen. Nora was absent. Swallowing hard, I turned to face them, and all but Dover zeroed in on my face where the cut now resided. I saw Carmen’s eyes waver with anguish at the sight of anything paining me, while Randy looked close to being ill. Michael remained emotionless, his face impassive as he just collapsed on my bed. I tried to calm their obvious tense expressions, all eyes duller shades of their original valor.
“It’s okay. Cassandra, a Healer in this coven, gave me faith that Walter and Anita wouldn’t stop until they found Nate.”
Dover forced a smile, knowing that I was trying to soothe them and then leaned against the nearest wall, taking a deep breath. Randy took a seat on the end of the bed Michael was laying on while Carmen stayed just inside the room, looking so out of place that it made my chest ache.
It shouldn’t be like this. We should all be enjoying our new life here. Instead we were worrying ourselves sick over Nate.
Glancing out the window, I saw that a storm was brewing overhead, the clouds blocking out all light.
“They are sending out a search party at dawn.” Dover’s voice was lifeless, and it hurt me to see him so distraught over his brother.
“Philip said it won’t be long now until we locate Nate,” Michael added, voice just as comatose.
“Who are they sending?” I asked, trying to keep the conversation going in hopes that talking will lessen everyone’s frazzled nerves.
“About five from Walter’s coven, and then Randy and his group from the Wars,” Randy informed me.
“Your platoon?” I asked in astonishment.
Randy nodded solemnly—though his expression was always somber. “Philip thinks it best since Nate might still be out of his right mind.”
Shaking my head, I thought about how there were only a few more hours until dawn and the storm was growing more vicious as the wind howled outside. They would need more eyes. Ten vampires weren’t enough. They needed more.
“I want to go,” I said resolutely, setting my jaw.
“You can’t!” Carmen exclaimed, taking a step towards me. I avoided him, staring only at Randy, who shook his head.
“Carmen’s right, Sophia. They aren’t allowing any more than what is necessary.”
“One more won’t be a burden. I’m fast. Besides, I know what Nate is going through. I might be of some help when tracking him.”
Randy couldn’t argue with this and ground his teeth together, determination coming into his chocolate-colored eyes. “All right.” He stood, motioning for me to follow. “I’ll go talk to Philip about it.”
I made a move to pursue but Carmen stepped into my path, forcing me to look at him. His eyes were dim, though they sparked when they glanced at me. “Sophia, you’re injured. You won’t be any help to them out there.”
“Yes I will. I can provide them with information they don’t have. We need to find Nate as soon as we can. I can help them do that.” He opened his mouth to retaliate but Dover cut in, making us all turn to face him.
“Carmen, let her go. If she can help find my brother, than she has my vote.”
Carmen eyed him seriously before nodding his head once. “So be it.” He left without another word, and a sigh escaped my lips. Dover patted me on the back before he too left, followed by Michael, who gave my hand a tight squeeze. Then, ensuing Randy from the room, we departed to meet with Philip.

* * * *

It was still a surprise to me that I was actually out there, part of Randy’s platoon as we searched for Nate. Philip had accepted me so willingly as if he had been hoping for volunteers. Nate was a well-known vampire. If we didn’t find him soon, fear would soon spread to deeper and more powerful emotions and Philip couldn’t stand to lose control of the coven so quickly after a move as big as this one.
The snow pelted our backs as we headed further north. Dressed in only a cotton tank and sweats, we worked quickly, eyes peeled for any activity. I was off to the left, using my sense of smell to track the towns we passed in stealth. So far, there had been no sign of him.
Randy signaled to all of us to start heading west, backtracking. My thoughts drifted, finally resting on Carmen’s face just before I left. He had been so anxious to see me leave that it left me feeling extremely confused. What danger would it pose to be out here searching for Nate? The only troublesome thing we had met so far was the weather and that was easily ignored. What was Carmen so afraid of?
We were retracing out steps through the town of Duluth when I stopped dead in my tracks. It wasn’t much. It could have been still there from last time I had seen him. But it was something.
Calling out to Randy, he backtracked and I inhaled deeply. He followed suit and his eyes widened. No words were needed. He gave me lead and I led them back into the town of Duluth. It was populated, many humans out shopping or having lunch before heading back to work. The snow had left the town looking so merry that it made my stomach turn. I just hoped that this trail would lead us to Nate.
I tracked it all along the streets, keeping as natural as we could while being surrounded by the other humans. Nate’s musty scent, like dried leaves in autumn, grew steadily stronger until I thought I might explode with happiness. This was definitely a new trail and I led the group right up to the local clinic, it’s white lights competing with the blinding pallor of the falling snow.
Randy stepped up beside me and paused, sniffing softly. “He’s here all right,” he whispered. I could hear the anxiety in this voice—he was just as excited to see Nate as I was.
“Do we just walk in or…” I trailed off, realizing how fragile the predicament was. If Nate was inside that hospital… if he was doing any harm to the humans inside… I swallowed hard. Randy’s thought seemed to be right in line with mine as he smiled grimly.
“Why don’t you go get him?”
I just stared. “Me? Why me? You’re the experienced—“
“Do I look like a person they would let into a hospital unquestioned?” I looked him over from the tip of his head all the way down to his toes—overly muscled body, full beard and mustache, wearing a pair of cargo shorts and boots that tied all the way up to his knees and an army-green tank, his pony tail flapping in the wind.
I shook my head in agreement and faced the clinic doors resolutely. “All right. I’ll do it.”
Slipping on a sweatshirt before I entered, hoping that I looked more normal that way, I entered through the swinging doors, my shoes squeaking against the sterilized linoleum floors. The waiting room was quiet, little activity, as a random nurse walked passed, clipboard in hand. The receptionist behind the counter was a bigger woman with her gray hair in a high bun, reading glasses perched on her long nose.
I approached cautiously, the bleached-white walls making my eyes burn. The smell was so uncontaminated, so sanitized, that I struggled to breathe. The lady looked up from her computer when I came within her line of vision.
“Hello, are you here for an appointment?” she asked in that overly helpful voice that all receptionists seemed to have. It was like a necessity.
“No, I’m here to see if my cousin is here.” I asked softly, wringing my hands together, hoping I looked innocent, though I was scared out of my wits.
“Name?”
“Nathan Bennett.”
“Age?”
I stopped short at this. What would Nate say if he were asked his age? I fumbled for an answer and blurted the first that came to mind: “Twenty.” Nate looked twenty, right?
She eyed me curiously, but didn’t respond; just continued to type away at the computer. She removed her glasses when she turned in her chair to face me again. “There is a Nate Bennett here. Do you have a form of ID just so we know you are actually his cousin?”
I breathed a sigh of relief. He was here; we had found him. But then her last words registered with me. ID?
I patted my pockets and twisted my face into one of apology. “I actually left my things at my home. I know it’s a hassle, but could you please let me see him. I’ve driven all this way and…” My voice faded as I waited for her answer, praying with all my might that she would let me slide. She pierced me with her pale, blue eyes and I knew before she said it that she would deny me.
But I couldn’t let her. I was here and I wasn’t leaving without Nate.
Before I could stop myself, I entered her mind through the doorways of her eyes. She jolted as if she had been zapped with lightening and then, a dullness clouded over her eyes and I said into her mind through my thoughts: You will let me slide. I am Nathan Bennett’s cousin. You trust me.
I let it take effect and then left her mind. It took her a moment to regain her former composure, blinking a few times, before looking at me. “I guess I can just let you go,” she finally said, winking at me with a smile. “Just give me your name, dear, so I can write you down.”
“Sophia Hunt,” I said promptly, returning her sincere smile. “Thank you so much“—I stopped for a moment to read her name-tag—“Laura.”
She beamed and told me Nathan’s room number. I thanked her again before I took a left, waiting for the elevator.
What I had just done hit me then and I bit down on my lower lip, worrying it between my teeth. Would Randy care if I used force to get inside? I thought of Philip and my worries grew. The elevator dinged open at that moment, mercifully empty.
I stepped inside and thought resolutely: Whatever Philip doesn’t know won’t hurt him.
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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Hey Ash!

After Cassandra finished checking the rest of my body, including my bruised arm and ribs, she released me from her care, telling—no, rather ordering me to get some sleep.


I think you should take out 'rather'

It ran down the side of my face in a long, slightly jagged line, disappearing into my hairline and reaching all the way down to end at my jaw line.


Sorry if this is too nit-picky but you know how I feel about the repetition of words. In this case, you keep using line so maybe you could say:

"It ran down the side of my face in a long, slightly jagged line disappearing into my scalp and reaching all the way down to the base of my jaw."

My whole right side of my face was a blotchy red from the wound and I touched it tentatively again.
I had forgotten to ask Cassandra if it was permanent.


I would reword this:

My whole right side of my face was a blotchy red from the wound. I touched it having forgotten to ask Cassandra if it was permanent.

The door swung open behind me and I could see in the reflection of the mirror Dover enter, followed by Randy, Michael, and a very tense Carmen.


This is worded funnily. Try:

The door swung open behind me. In the reflection of the mirror, I could see Dover entering the room, followed by Randy, Michael and a very tense Carmen.

“About five from Walter’s coven, and then Randy and his group from the Wars,” Randy informed me.


If Randy is talking why would he say "Randy and his group from the Wars...?"

This was a good chapter!

I wonder what Nate's doing at a clinic though. Ooh I can't wait for Chapter Ten.

Keep writing,

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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Hey Ash! Angel's done all the nit-picking, so I'll have a go on the storyline.

Description- This chapter wasn't big on description. It's fine the way it is, and I like your wording on her scarred and bruised face, but one thing I'd like more would be the description of the hospital. Not much, but describe a little of the surroundings, like nondescript beige walls or chairs, and the atmosphere. Most hospitals I've visited have distinctly tense and/or uncomfortable auras, and I don't know what it would be like for Sophia, but I'm thinking kind of the same thing.

Wording- As usual, you did a great job. A few sentences here and there were a little awkward, but there was variety, and they also flowed. The only thing I didn't like was:

“Philip said it won’t be long now until we locate Nate,” Michael added, voice just as comatose.


That last word bugged me. It sounded like - forgive me for the analogy - and eighth grader went through a thesaurus, picked this one out cause it sounded cool, and stuck it in there to sound knowledgeable. I know you didn't do that, but the word doesn't fit in at all. Try, maybe:

“Philip said it won’t be long now until we locate Nate,” Michael added, his voice just as laconic.


Or something else more familiar to the average reader. I understood "comatose" only because you linked it with the lifeless tone of Dover.

Storyline- Wonderful! I'm so excited to see what happens when Sophia finds Nate. (And also, when she sees You-Know-Who again :wink: )

This was a great chapter. PM me when you post the nest one! :D

~Sunny




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Ooh, I liked this chapter; it was very different, and, of course, brilliant!! Seeing as Sunny and Angel have done the nit-picks etc, I have nothing left to say except I can't wait for the next chapter and find out why Nate's at the hospital.
Great job, Ash!! :D
--Lucy-lu xx
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Sorry it's taken me so long! School and babysitting and whatnot. x-x;

Nitpicks first - and be grateful, because I normally don't do them at all. ; )

Lying in my bed, my mind kept replaying the scene with Nate over and over again. It wasn’t even [s]like he was[/s] Nate anymore, but [s]just[/s] a monster in his body. Had I looked like that when I had let myself go? [s]Had I looked that horrible?[/s]


I cut out some of the awkward wording, and that last sentence, the second question - I don't think it really needs to be tossed altogether, but perhaps less like the question before it, yes? ^_^

She was downstairs with Anita and Walter, for I could hear the woman's voice, [s]which was so[/s] easily [s]to[/s] distinguished from the others by her thick accent.


That might still come out sort of awkward, but it flowed better, to me.

—they were, no doubt, using every precaution to keep Nate safe and anonymous—


Easier to read this way.

Sitting up [s]restlessly[/s], I covered my eyes with my hands and breathed softly.


[s]My[/s] The whole right side of my face was a blotchy red from the wound and I touched it tentatively again


Michael's [s]remained emotionless, his[/s] face remained impassive as he [s]just[/s] collapsed on my bed


Why did Michael collapse on her bed? Isn't there a better way to express his surprise/horror/whatever? Sorry, it just paints a really strange, confusing picture for me. x-x

I tried to calm their obvious tense expressions, all eyes duller shades of their [s]original[/s] ordinary valor


Valor is most definitely not the right word here. Brightness? Not really. Glow? Hmm, maybe. Intensity? Brilliance? Just a more fitting one, puh-lease.

taking a deep breath. Randy took a seat


You repeat 'take' here. Different word?

“Who are they sending?” I asked, trying to keep the conversation going in hopes that talking [s]will[/s] would [s]lessen[/s] calm everyone’s frazzled nerves.


I put calm here 'cause it fit better, but you say calm earlier and it doesn't fit there. Here:

I tried to calm their obvious tense expressions


I'm not sure if this really fits at all, actually. She's trying to calm their expressions? Explain it better, and perhaps take out the 'calm' part altogether, if 'tis possible.

Well, there're more nitpicks, but I have to go soon, so I'll leave that to other critiquers. To the story!

I've already expressed my views on most of your story, so I'll just say what I thought of the chapter. It was interesting, and rather well-written, but I'm not sure I liked how quickly Carmen caved. If he really cared about her, I feel as though, even with two other vamps saying she should go, he would still protest, 'stead of saying, 'so be it.' That sounds cliche no matter what, anyhow.

I liked it, though, and I'll try to get around to reviewing chap. ten soon. Just one last thing that Chern always reminds me when I'm writing in first person: try to put some real character into your MC. How does she see things, compared to other people? Do certain smells/songs/stories bring back painful/happy memories?

Sorry if I wasn't much help. I'm kind of in a rush. 0_0

Good luck! See you on Chapter Ten!

-SELA
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest




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Angel, lucy, Sunny, and Sela:

I must thank you all for the support and the help. Sela, you were so honest, it was lovely! :D Sunny, you are always so helpful! Angel, you are so encouraging, and Lucy, your reviews always make me smile.

I can't thank you guys enough (I know I say that everytime but I really can't :oops: You guys are just that awesome!) and I hope you have a FAN-tastic day! =] hehe

~ashley
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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Hey Ash.

I am back.

That was Sweet! I love it where Sophai bent the person's mind to follow her own. That was Awesome.

Carmen. Don't tell me he still care for Sophia even though he is with Nora. He should learn to get over it, because Sophia is never going to choose him again. They May have felling for one other but they are meant to be friend. I can see it, but why can't he? Make him understand that they can't be together.

Well, I am off to reading the next chapter. I can't wait.

See ya in the next chapter.

Bri
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion




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Again, this is really short. grr face.

I like how well you detailed everything. I love it! you are painting a lovely vampiric picture. nice nice, very nice.

off i go to read more.
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched




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[spoiler]
Red = My corrections.
Purple = My Suggestions.
[s]Strikethrough[/s] = Omit
“Yes I will. I can provide them with information they don’t have. We need to find Nate as soon as we can. I can help them do that.” He opened his mouth to retaliate, but Dover cut in, making us all turn to face him.

“Carmen, let her go. If she can help find my brother, then she has my vote.”
Carmen eyed him seriously before nodding his head once. “So be it.” He left without another word, and a sigh escaped my lips. Dover patted me on the back before he, too, left, followed by Michael, who gave my hand a tight squeeze. Then, ensuing Randy from the room, we departed to meet with Philip.

I tracked it all along the streets, keeping as natural as we could while being surrounded by the other humans. Nate’s musty scent, like dried leaves in autumn, grew steadily stronger until I thought I might explode with happiness. This was definitely a new trail and I led the group right up to the local clinic, its white lights competing with the blinding pallor of the falling snow.
[/spoiler]


Haha, I love Sophia's mind-controlling power... she may not be gifted, but that power right there's still pretty awesome.
Don't really think I have much more to say... just anxious to find out what happens next...

»Sam.
"The power of accurate obeservation is often called cynicism by those who haven't got it." - Oscar Wilde.

If I could only see right to the end, I'd know just where to begin, and I could put together all the little pieces.




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“About five from Walter’s coven, and then Randy and his group from the Wars,” Randy informed me.

Shouldn't it be my instead of Randy since he's talking?

She jolted as if she had been zapped with lightening and then, a dullness clouded over her eyes and I said into her mind through my thoughts

Lightning. Lightening is something referring to child birth.
Ever since you went away, my heart has never beat the same and all that I can do is just laugh.



Attention is the beginning of devotion.
— Mary Oliver, Upstream