As if I was in Love Prologue

Prologue
It didn’t matter where I turned. It didn’t matter where I was. It defiantly didn’t matter if he was alive or not. Part of him was gone. He wouldn’t know where he was when he woke up again. He would know who I was if he saw me. He would forget the love I had for him that I was absolutely in love with him. He wouldn’t know anything.
I felt like everything was my fault, usually it always was to me. I didn't know this much damage would happen. I just wished at this point in time that this uncontrollable feeling,mistake, would have never happened to me.

Hi, darling! Music here to give my grammar corrections and overall impressions!

It didn’t matter where I turned. It didn’t matter where I was. It [s]defiantly[/s]definitely didn’t matter if he was alive or not. Part of him was gone. He wouldn’t know where he was when he woke up again. He would know who I was if he saw me. He would forget the love I had for him, forget that I was absolutely in love with him. He wouldn’t know anything.

I felt like everything was my fault[s],[/s]; usually it always was, [s]to me[/s]in my opinion. [s]To me I felt like I had been a mistake that I shouldn’t have been born[/s] I felt like I was some big mistake that should have never been born, because when I was, the world already knew how much damage I would bring into it. At least, that’s what I thought.

Okay, now that that's over with.

I don't get where this is going. Perhaps I'm not supposed to; that's often the point of many prologues. The writing was just a bit weak and wordy, no offense meant. I just mean that you could say it so much better rephrased. I liked the first paragraph a lot better than the second, actually.

I think both you and this story have potential, though. I'd like to read the next chapter so I can find out what's going on! Haha.

Fairly good job. You're still a bit new and I'm sure you'll improve, darling! Keep it up!

Love,
Music.

I think Music got all of the grammar mistakes. I think this was a good start and I agree that the first paragraph was better then the second.

I think I kind of understand what's going on but I kind of don't. It sounds to me like this guy has amnesia or something. I will read the next part to find out. Ha.

Hi pshhxhoney. I'm The.Dreamwalker but most people just call me dreamwalker, and I'll be reviewing your work this afternoon

Okay, so basically speaking, this work was very, very, very, very short. Yes I put that many very's for a reason. A prologue is normally pretty short, but it mostly either consists of three to four paragraphs like those, or two fairly large ones. These were too short for my tastes.

Okay so my critique:

It didn’t matter where I turned. It didn’t matter where I was. It defiantly didn’t matter if he was alive or not. Part of him was gone. He wouldn’t know where he was when he woke up again. He would know who I was if he saw me. He would forget the love I had for him that I was absolutely in love with him. He wouldn’t know anything.

Oh jeez. What to say about this bit... it was very 'This happened. This happened. This happened.' Thank you for telling, but I would much rather you show us with your words. You definitly have some good language there, but the sentences are cut terribly short when you could use connecting words and such to fix those. Oh and comma's are your best friend, deary. Dont hate them. Work those transitions out and I'm sure this would be a lot longer.

I felt like everything was my fault, usually it always was to me. To me I felt like I had been a mistake that I shouldn’t have been born, because when I was the world already knew how much damage I would bring into it. At least, that’s what I thought.

Okay, to sum this up easily, I give you props for using some comma's finally but this was definitly not much better then the first, sorry to be bluntly honest with you.

The fact that you have to me at the end of one sentence and then to me at the beginning of the next makes it sound terribly redundant and not thought out well. Read it out loud. See if it flows.

The next line should be 'I felt like I had been a mistake that never should have been born' or some sort like that. The next line doesnt make any sense whatsoever, and the last sentence just sounds silly next to the rest of it.

Okay, sorry for being so harsh. It's not in my nature to be as such, but I thought that it would be the only way you could really soak it in.

Kay, so my overall opinion? Reread your work, please. I believe there has to be something very interesting witht this piece and you might have an interesting storyline, but honestly, your making your character sound silly. 'I shouldn't have been born'? That sounds very cliche.

Honestly speaking, I think your vocabulary is nice, and you may be able to really get some good stuff in, just work on your structure, and I mean really drill it in. Reread your work, then reread it out loud. Watch out for sentences that dont make sense, and just really go with it. I know you have it in you. Give it your best shot and I'm sure you'll be able to make wonders with your work.

Sorry for being harsh
-The.Dreamwalker

pshhxhoney wrote:Prologue
It didn’t matter where I turned. It didn’t matter where I was. It defiantly didn’t matter if he was alive or not. Part of him was gone. He wouldn’t know where he was when he woke up again. He would know who I was if he saw me. He would forget the love I had for him that I was absolutely in love with him. He wouldn’t know anything.
I felt like everything was my fault, usually it always was to me. To me I felt like I had been a mistake that I shouldn’t have been born, because when I was the world already knew how much damage I would bring into it. At least, that’s what I thought.

1. Maybe: It wouldn't matter where I turned, it wouldn't matter where I was.
2. Definitely
3. Shouldn't this be: He wouldn't know who I was, even if he saw me.
4. He would forget the love I had for him, and that I was absolutely in love with him.
5. He wouldn't know anything (expand that a little)
6. I felt like everything was my fault, as it usually was to me.
7. Comma in between 'me' and 'I'
8. How about: . . . felt like I had been a mistake, that changed his life. A mistake that never should have . . .
9. ?
I like the last sentence, though.