Queen of Water

I hope you like it. The inspiration came when cleaning a kitchen. Please don't hurt me!!! * Pulls a cloud out of her pocket and zooms to Cloud 4*
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I'm look around a small portion of my domain
I have no need for air
I can stay in this aquamarine world as long as I wish,
a stream of bubbles burst past me
I watch them dance
I reach out to touch one of my citizens
His scales feel smooth to my touch
he swims on not frightened
he trusts me
for I rule him
I give him and his friends
food and a place to stay
I'm his caregiver I'm the Queen of Water

As I look around me own the pebble strewn floor I spot a sunken ship,
My citizens dart in out playing a game that has no rules
I hear a distant cry " Sweetie dinner in twenty minutes come down stairs and set the table."
I sigh and pull my head out of the water to reply " Coming Mom!!"
I delve once more to my aquatic world to say goodbye
I give each of my citizens a caring touch before I return to the surface world.
I pull my head out of the water and take of my goggles and snorkel off
after I blow my hair dry so mom won't know ,I look around at my wonderful room
instead of a wall there were just rows and rows of fish tanks
" I'll be back after dinner" I called to my many fish so they don't worry
the fish seem to move closer to the glass as I leave
they make movement almost like a bow
A smile runs across my face.
To everyone else I'm just a normal girl
But to the fish I am more than that much more
I'm their queen
Their wonderful Queen of Water

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Not the best. Its pretty good for someone who has never had a fish nor ever wanted one though.

I'm look around a small portion of my domain
I look around a small portion of my domain

As I look around me own the pebble strewn floor I spot a sunken ship,
Do you mean?
As I look around me on the pebble strewn floor I spot a sunken ship?
I'm confused.

My citizens dart in out playing a game that has no rules
in and out
in then out.. etc

I hear a distant cry " Sweetie dinner in twenty minutes come down stairs and set the table."
Sweetie dinner in twenty minutes, come down stairs
There should be a comma, since you take a break.

Okay I really like this poem, the idea is really good, and I've liked where you have taken it mostly. I must admit I liked the fist half a lot better then the second.
The second seemed more like a fictional story that belonged in a book, it just got a little long and ran on, in my opinion. Maybe try and go back and continue with the style of the first stanza.

Great idea! Keep it up.

In all truth I'm not very good at this. Sorry I confused you, to Telina with the sunken ship part, you know how you can buy those fake plastic toys for your fish to play in? It was one of those. Yea the second part got a bit out of hand, it was too long. I'll try to redo it later if I have time.

-Windy

Hi! I'm Music. I'll be critiquing you today.

I thought it was a pretty good poem for a beginner! Nice concept. Like the other reviewer before me, I liked the first part of the poem much better. I thought that the second kind of threw of the rhythm. It was a tad to long in each line on the second part.

The way you described everything in the first stanza was very nice, though. A girl who appears normal, but is really The Queen of Water. Mmm. Interesting. Haha.

Overall, pretty well done. Keep it up!

Love,
Music.

Hi there! I wanted to pay you back for your wonderful critique on Land of Sky, Land of Rain earlier. I'm afraid I'm a poor judge of poetry, but I'll do my best here. ^_^

I think this is a really interesting concept, and it seems pretty strongly written, especially in the first stanza. I really like some of the metaphors you use, and the way the speaker refers to the fish as her citizens-- things like that add characterization and interest to the world of the poem.

There are a couple of grammatical errors here, just simple typos:

I'm look around a small portion of my domain

This should probably be "I'm looking" or "I look."

As I look around me own the pebble strewn floor I spot a sunken ship,

I think you meant "on" instead of "own."

I also think the second stanza could be stronger. I like the idea of her being a normal girl to the world, but I think it could be more implied, rather than stated. I think it would be interesting if, for example, the exact words of the mother's shout weren't given, just that someone had shouted for her-- and then the reader must realize all on their own that there's a separation beyond the speaker the speaker knows and who she is to the outside world. Basically, showing, not telling. Does that even make sense? XD It's ok if it doesn't, sorry. It's just a thought. ^^;;

Anyway, nice work! I really enjoyed it, even though I'm not great with poetry.

Review time!

Interesting poem. I like the idea of it. Some of it didn’t read write for me, and the rhyme was a little off, but I think that gives it some character.

A few mistakes.

I delve once more to my aquatic world to say goodbye

Is it supposed to be "dive"?

I blow my hair dry so mom won't know ,I look around at my wonderful room

Just move that comma over.

Keep on Writing!
-Zinnia

Hello,

Lol i love this poem. Its so cute and imaginative. I could honestly picture a moment like a little kid playing in the tube or pool or something and then being called in for dinner. Lol I really like this.

I found that the first sentence had a error that is easy fixed, but someone already mentioned it. So oh well.

Other than that i found nothing else wrong with it involving grammar.

I really love this poem good job.