My Dreamland

A very pointless poem that I felt compelled to write. I apologize in advance if it confuses you (because I tend to do that to people xD).





Drifting into dreamland,
Staring at the sky,
I know there’s some reason;
Still I wonder why.

There’s an ocean above me,
And heaven’s down below.
Upside-down in my new world,
The stars at my feet glow.

Arms raised to trace the waves,
Mind not in this dimension.
There’s rhythm in thoughts’ flow,
And in memory’s retention.

Unfeeling and unconscious
To current’s tug and God’s call,
Floating in and around myself,
I rise, but maybe I fall?

It’s impossible to tell
Since I’m upside-down already.
There’s nothing to hold onto,
Nor to keep me steady.

My mind grasps for an anchor
To bring me back to heaven.
Down again I must descend.
But oh! The ground is leavened

With hills and mountains;
So the sky’s not smooth?
Stumbling and tumbling;
Cloud nine’s floor’s built crude.

Angels swim in the place
Where sky and sea combine.
Their grace they carry in wings,
So their flight is columbine.

God’s voice calls to me, unseen,
“Eliza, do awake.”
Eyes opening grudgingly
My bliss with them do take.

Mother’s frown is in my face.
Not God, no not at all.
I grunt, turn, and slip back in
To my dreamland’s fall.

Awesomeness!!! Anyway, so far as mechanics go:

Unfeeling and unconscious
To current’s tug and God’s call,
Floating in and around myself,
I rise, but maybe I fall?

I don't think it should end in a question mark. It seems more like a statement than a question in my opinion.

Their grace they carry in wings,
So their flight is columbine.

You used "they" and it's variations too much. I'm not sure what you can do about it, but if you can find some synonym or other word, that might work out better.

There’s rhythm in thoughts’ flow,
And in memory’s retention.

It get's a little awkward with all the "'s." Either spell it out where you can or rephrase it.

So far as other stuff goes, it wasn't that confusing. But maybe that's just me, and I've gotten used to it. Basically, everything else was all good in the hood, except, God usually isn't in my dreams, but that's probably because I'm an atheist.

Haha, thanks Em. But I probably have way weirder dreams than you do anywayz. xD

Wow, this is a very interesting dream. It's one dreamland that I would one to visit. XD

Anyway, back to the poem....

I thought that it was really good! I really enjoyed it, from the beginning to the end. I liked the concept of your dreamland as well. However, I didn't really like the rhyming scheme. Some parts sounded a little forced, like you had some trouble finding words to rhyme with.

Overall, I think you did a pretty good job. A gold star for you. ^^

Keep up the good work!

This is nice, it has rhythm and a rather sing-song quality to it! And confusing people is a quality not a fault!!
Keep writing!

Hello, darling! Here to review for you.

First, let's see about the grammar:

Drifting into dreamland,
Staring at the sky,
I know there’s some reason;
Still I wonder why.

There’s an ocean above me,
And heaven’s down below.
Upside-down in my new world,
The stars at my feet glow.

Arms raised to trace the waves,
Mind not in this dimension.
There’s rhythm in thoughts’ flow,
And in memory’s retention.

Unfeeling and unconscious
To current’s tug and God’s call,
Floating in and around myself,
I rise, but maybe I fall?

It’s impossible to tell
Since I’m upside-down already.
There’s nothing to hold onto,
Nor to keep me steady.

My mind grasps for an anchor
To bring me back to heaven.
Down again I must descend.
But, oh! The ground is leavened

With hills and mountains;
So the sky’s not smooth?
Stumbling and tumbling;
Cloud nine’s floor’s built crude.

Angels swim in the place
Where sky and sea combine.
Their grace they carry in wings,
So their flight is columbine.

God’s voice calls to me, unseen,
“Eliza, do awake.”
Eyes opening grudgingly,
My bliss with them do take.

Mother’s frown is in my face.
Not God, no not at all.
I grunt, turn, and slip back in
To my dreamland’s fall.

Good, very few errors made! Hehe. I loved it. I thought it was a wonderful, descriptive poem.

My favorite stanza was probably the last, although I love the one that starts with "Angels swim..."

Overall, very nicely done. Gold star for you! I'm sorry I couldn't be of better help.

Love,
Music.

I like it!
My dreams are way weirder . . . like, once I had one about poisonous shampoo, but this is a dreamland. But, anyway, I loved it! There's not much to edit(that must be a good sign, he he)
Gold star!

'Kay so 'pparently all the other reviewers got all the grammar stuff down. The thing that really bothered me about this poem was the rhyme scheme. It sounds really forced, in some spots.

My mind grasps for an anchor

To bring me back to heaven.

Down again I must descend.

But oh! The ground is leavened

Twin, leavened does not fit here, at all. I feel like you just used this word so that the stanza would rhyme.
In this stanza,

With hills and mountains;

So the sky’s not smooth?

Stumbling and tumbling;

Cloud nine’s floor’s built crude.

Then, again, in the last stanza,

Mother’s frown is in my face.

Not God, no not at all.

I grunt, turn, and slip back in

To my dreamland’s fall.
The last line's off on the rhythm. Again, I feel like you used crude because it rhymes. But, floor's built crude is phrased really awkwardly.
Then, again, in the last stanza,

Mother’s frown is in my face.

Not God, no not at all.

I grunt, turn, and slip back in

To my dreamland’s fall.

The last line throws off the rhythm here.
'Kay on the up side:
It was a really good idea and it came through pretty well.
Some rhymes sounded really good, but I would lean towards deleting them all.
So, I'll give you a gold star if you promise to work on the whole rhyming thing 'kayy?

Jumelle<3

This was very good. You have talent. There is not much to edit, just make sure to read it out loud. Some parts sound a little off. This poem definitely deserves a gold star. Great job.