I'd rather write about this world than live in itand I'd rather play music all day and read and wander around bookstoresand watch humansbut not be one of them.
First off, there was a lot of good imagery in here. It painted a really cool picture in my head.
However, I was less crazy about the structure. There's random one-word lines, capitalized words, and strange line breaks. While I have nothing against these techniques, there needs to be some purpose. The way you break lines is significant, as that shows the flow of the piece. If a word's going to stand by itself, it needs to have some significance, which a lot of these don't. "Of,", "that", "a", etc. are not terribly powerful on their own. I'd go through and re-think your line breaks. Do they all mean something? What was the reasoning behind breaking it up the way you did?
Now a few nit-picky things:
What a blasphemy!
What an absolute catastrophe!
A scandal!
I think you should pick one of these. This is overkill.
But I suppose,
they belong
now,
in the History.
Did you mean history books? And why is history capitalized?
Overall, I thought there was some lovely imagery in here. I'm just a little put off by the disjointed structure, but I'm giving it a gold star anyway. Keep writing!
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci
Awesome work! I really like your imagery here, it created a really cool picture in my head. However, like niteowl said, you really should put some order into how you insert your line breaks. Though, admittedly, I tend to have more fun reading a piece with weird breaks and words in it, I doubt that most other people do, so you might want to clear that up a bit. My favorite line was the last line. I liked the expression and dramaticism in it, it was really powerful. Overall, great work! A gold star from me! ^^
Actully i thought the structure in this piece was great. You have to understand this was all leading up to the conclusion about forgetting how to dream and that basically the structure of this is a blatant disaproval to set and conform as you grow up. Thats how it seemed to me anyways I don't know how to articulate that better sorry. Well anyways i loved this but i have never forgotten how to dream anyways, nice job
The diffrence of a ingnorant person and a wise person isn't what they have been through but what they have been through and how much they have learned from it.
This piece was interesting but, the structure of it all bothered me. Try putting them into different stanza instead of just one word. There was good imagery. I could see it all very clearly. It showed emotion; you were able to express that onto the paper. Very good. It helps connect to the reader. Great job.
I love your imagery and writing in general. The structure's different from any poetry I've read before which is probably why I enjoyed as much as I did. Also, the title is great which was why I read it.
"School is practice for the future, and practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect so why bother?" - Tre Cool
“Now are any of these vegetables magic? I mean if I rub that bean on my foot will I run faster?” - Mike Dirnt
I would act my age if it was a more reasonable number... - Me
