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Wed Sep 07, 2005 3:31 am

Rincewind says... · Wed Sep 07, 2005 3:31 am

Nothing ever changes
Nothing ever moves
I swim around in circles
In the same old lifeless room
And talk about the mirror man
The whispers in my ear again
The hot and sticky pillow man
Is smothering my face again

Nothing ever changes
Nothing ever moves
And I run around hysterical
In dead persistent gloom
And babble out in simile
Like dog-head-monkey-music me
Shut up shut up shut up shut up
Shut up
And let me breathe...

~The bandit’s body slumped to the ground, knees hitting first,followed by the rest.His dead weight pushed dust into the air in a swirling cloud.The blood flowed from his head,splicing like river canals,delaying slightly on pebbles before flowing on through the street.~

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Crysi

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Wed Sep 07, 2005 4:20 am

Crysi says... · Wed Sep 07, 2005 4:20 am

I actually really like this. The first stanza, in my opinion, is excellent.

The second stanza is good as well, but the break in pattern - "Shut up shut up shut up shut up/Shut up" doesn't flow well, and it threw me off when I read it.

Maybe if you combined the last two lines it would flow a little easier? Anyway, I like the chaos of it. Reminds me of when I'm completely stressed out or tired and the voices in my head will NOT shut up. Yeah. Lol, good job.

Love and Light

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