I love it. I mean you.

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Points 890

Reviews 127

Wed Sep 07, 2005 3:11 am

Rincewind says... · Wed Sep 07, 2005 3:11 am

Let me forget
let me forget
Or let me go let me go
I'll keep it quiet as a whisper
I'll keep it low low low
Never
The biggest word I ever heard
Stop dead
Stop dead
You're getting too close

Before you even opened your eyes
I moved about a million ways
I killed about a million people
And filled about half a day
Before you even opened your eyes
You had to have to ask me who
I love it
I mean you

My face was in your hands
You looked into my eyes
You said I tasted right
And swallowed me alive

~The bandit’s body slumped to the ground, knees hitting first,followed by the rest.His dead weight pushed dust into the air in a swirling cloud.The blood flowed from his head,splicing like river canals,delaying slightly on pebbles before flowing on through the street.~

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forest_ofthe_nightingale

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Points 890

Reviews 75

Thu Sep 08, 2005 12:58 am

forest_ofthe_nightingale says... · Thu Sep 08, 2005 12:58 am

This is a really awesome poem, but I don't like how you doubled phrases twice in a row:

Let me forget
let me forget
Or let me go let me go
I'll keep it quiet as a whisper

You need more than a conjunction between repeated phrases... it's a nice effect, but you can't over-do it or you won't receive the complete effect. You did it really well here:

I'll keep it quiet as a whisper
I'll keep it low low low
Never
The biggest word I ever heard
Stop dead
Stop dead
You're getting too close

You have at least a full phrase in between the repetitions, which I like much better. By the way, I love your closing! Absolutely chilling!!!

Never interrupt your enemy when he's making a mistake... unless it's to remind him that he won't fail... he just won't kill you.

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