The Emoeror's Mistress

Heber:
"What the hell are you?" such a rude child! But he is tall, and his features are well proportioned and spaced evenly... has potential to be. No I mustn't go there! Heheheh.
I leer at the boy half with perversion half with animal wickedness and with full mischief, as I am wont to smile. Basically I show my pearly fangs and stick my tongue out and widen my eyes and slant my brow. Stupid boy! Cower! To you I am not kindly disposed as I am not kindly disposed to all that do not admire me properly!
"Oh OH! You want to know what little old I is? I am flattered surely!" I respond somewhat viciously. I feel mean today, but only animals smack children.
"Tell me. Please, sir."
I look at the boy again, he has intelligent eyes. I'll indulge him. After all I like new people who are not yet old and boring. Besides, it is a full hour until the tailor should be here with my new frock; the best one yet with a design of the latest style yet still innovative as yet a new design and a color perfect to offset my eyes. Oh, and it'll be warm in winter.
"Okay, child." can he tell I'm patronizing? That fool XXXX can't, "I am this hideous" by that I mean gloriously unique, "beast. Yes. I haven't always been like this," after all, I used to be shorter and younger, "I was once a beautiful princess. Yes, a girl, as I still am inside. I had the black hair of a panda bear, and the red cheeks of a baboon," yes country bumkin, wonder what I am talking about! Black hair! So dull, "I had skin as smooth as that. But I was an mean mean girl. Bpy after boy would come to me, and some girls too, but I rejected them all with harsh derision. That's laughter, child. None had cheeks as red as mine! None had cheeks so red! I was better. Yet they kept coming, until one day, a, a, uh, boy came and requested a to kiss one of my cheeks. That was it. How dare he think !was only a tease! I was so offended that in my rash anger I didn't kiss him on the cheek. I had sex with him. Crazy sex with him and when we were done I was in love with him. But he called me a slut and a whore and left. I was miserable so miserable that i didn't noticed at first that I was growing taller and furrier and scalier or even that the boys weren't calling as often. I only noticed when I saw my penis, and after fondling it a little, I went to the doctor and found out I had an incurable sexually transmitted disease. And so I look like this. A bright side to that boy breaking my heart, aye?"
A pretty great lie, I say. I'm cackling in my inner boots. I feel wicked and wonderful. Untruths are such thrills! But then I see his face.
Most people, morons. They say, 'wow, that's amazing, but I guess that's the only explanation for so strange a creature.' This kid, what, XXX said his new apprentice was only 13, barely a teenager, was as tall as a man but his eyes looked at me with the bitterness and wisdom of an old witch. Like my mother who used to beat me when I lied. Or when I didn't, but always when I lied.
Telling me I was like my father, telling me that one day I would lie to a girl and say I could cure her fiancé and say I was magical, and rape and implant her with demon spawn; the likes of myself. My mother's fiancé's disease did pass, and he passed by her because of me. Bitch deserved it.
This boy looks at me with eyes like her's and says, "if you aren't going to tell thetell the truth don't waste my time."
I feel the blows, though he is already leaving.
Well he will prove interesting enough, I daresay. Too much for XXXX in time, to be sure. I could warn him, but why bother? he doesn't cherish me enough as it is, and I can always find enough lover to support my taste in frocks. As I am a quarter kat I will always land on my feet. in the meantime I'll befriend the child. I may be reading too much into such a inconsequential incident. But It'll kill time while in between new clothes.

Narrator:
What Heber didn't know it that there really is an STD like that.


Okay this is for a story i'm doing in multiple perspectives, and this is a relitively minor character who is the gay lover of the 'evil' emperor. He is also a creature that is part baskalisk, human and cat. Meant to be more on the funny side the serious.

*Rated R for language and adult themes. -Grif*

Um, perhaps nobody told you, but you have to do two reviews for each work you post on the site. It's called the 2:1 ratio. Please read the rules for further info. Now, to the crit!

I think it's supposed to be "Emperor"?

But he is tall. His features are well proportioned and spaced evenly... have potential to be. No I mustn't go there!

"What the hell are you?"
Such a rude child!

You should always make a new paragraph when someone talks.

I leer at the boy half with perversion, half with animal wickedness and [s]with[/s] full mischief, as I am wont to smile.

Huh?

Basically I show my pearly fangs and stick my tongue out and widen my eyes and slant my brow.

And overload. Sounds pretty complicated to me. I would put:
That is to say, I show my pearly fangs, stick out my tongue, widen my eyes, and slant my brow.
But you're entitled to ignore that - it's a personal preference.

To you I am not kindly disposed as I am not kindly disposed to all that do not admire me properly!

I suggest you cut this down.
To you, I am not kindly disposed, as to all who do not admire me properly!

"Oh OH! You want to know what little old I is? I am flattered surely!"

You lost me. I thought he said, "What the hell are you?"

After all, I like [s]new[/s] people who are not yet old and boring.

Don't forget your commas!

Yes country bumpkin,

Okay, I'm going to be lazy again and not finish nitpicking. Suggestion: Trim or divide the sentences that are too long. And I believe you meant "basilisk". The plot sounds interesting, but it's buried under strange sentences. It has potential, keep working at it.

Cheers,
Lily.

Undulant wrote:Heber:
"What the hell are you?" exactly WHO said this? the rude child?... if so, add something like: the child asked rudelysuch a rude child! But he is tall, and his features are well proportioned and spaced evenly... has potential to be. No I mustn't go there! Heheheh. Did not like how you suddenly went: 'but he is tall'... too sudden!
I leer at the boy half with perversion and half with animal wickedness [s]and with full mischief, as I am wont to smile.[/s] Basically I show my pearly fangs and stick my tongue out and widen my eyes and slant my brow.way too much information, cut it down into smaller sentences so as not to overload the reader Stupid boy! Cower! To you I am not kindly disposed as I am not kindly disposed to all that do not admire me properly!Wait... what? I really did not understand that last sentence, rephrase it!
"Oh OH! You want to know what little old I is? I am flattered surely!" I respond somewhat viciously. I feel mean today, but only animals smack children. 'What little old I is'? Was that on purpose or a VERY bad grammatical mistake?
"Tell me. Please, sir."
I look at the boy again, he has intelligent eyes. I'll indulge him. After all I like new people who are not yet old and boring. Besides, [s]it is a full hour[/s] there is an hour left until the tailor should be here with my new frock; the best one yet with a design of the latest style yet still innovative as yet a new design and a color perfect to offset my eyes. Cut that last sentence down into smaller ones. And everything from 'the best one' to 'new design' did not make much sense Oh, and it'll be warm in winter.
"Okay, child." can he tell I'm patronizing? That fool XXXX can't,XXXX?? "I am this hideous" by that I mean gloriously unique, "beast. Yes. I haven't always been like this," after all, I used to be shorter and younger, "I was once a beautiful princess. Yes, a girl, as I still am inside. I had the black hair of a panda bear, and the red cheeks of a baboon," yes country bumkin, wonder what I am talking about! Black hair! So dull, Everything from 'yes country' to 'so dull' confused me!"I had skin as smooth as that. But I was [s]an[/s] a mean, mean girl. [s]Bpy[/s] boy after boy would come to me, and some girls too, but I rejected them all with harsh derision. That's laughter, child. None had cheeks as red as mine! None had cheeks so red! I was better. Yet they kept coming, until one day, a, a, uh, boy came and requested [s]a[/s] to kiss one of my cheeks. That was it. How dare he think was only a tease!!How dare he think what? And what was only a tease? I was so offended that in my rash anger I didn't kiss him on the cheek. I had sex with him. Crazy sex with him and when we were done I was in love with him. But he called me a slut and a whore and left. I was miserable so miserable that i didn't noticed at first that I was growing taller and furrier and scalier or even that the boys weren't calling as often. I only noticed when I saw my penis, and after fondling it a little, I went to the doctor and found out I had an incurable sexually transmitted disease. And so I look like this. A bright side to that boy breaking my heart, aye?"
A pretty great lie, I say. I'm cackling in my inner boots. I feel wicked and wonderful. Untruths are such thrills! But then I see his face.
Most people, morons. They say, 'wow, that's amazing, but I guess that's the only explanation for so strange a creature.' This kid, what, XXX Again... XXX?!said his new apprentice was only 13, barely a teenager, was as tall as a man but his eyes looked at me with the bitterness and wisdom of an old witch. you start off not making sense and then it goes good! Like my mother who used to beat me when I lied. Or when I didn't, but always when I lied.
Telling me I was like my father, telling me that one day I would lie to a girl and say I could cure her fiancé and say I was magical, and rape and implant her with demon spawn; the likes of myself. Cut into smaller sentences and explain more. My mother's fiancé's disease did pass, and he passed by her because of me. Bitch deserved it.
This boy looks at me with eyes like her's and says, "if you aren't going to tell [s]the tell [/s]the truth don't waste my time."
I feel the blows, though he is already leaving.
Well he will prove interesting enough, I daresay. Too much for XXXX STOP with the XXX!in time, to be sure. I could warn him, but why bother? he doesn't cherish me enough as it is, and I can always find enough lover to support my taste in frocks. As I am a quarter [s]kat[/s] cat I will always land on my feet. in the meantime I'll befriend the child. I may be reading too much into such a inconsequential incident. But It'll kill time while in between new clothes.

Narrator:
What Heber didn't know it that there really is an STD like that.

Hi, I honestly hardly understood any of this! You definitely need to go through all this and you'll see what stupid mistakes you made and how a lot of things don't make much sense. You also need to work on sentence structure and grammar. I understand that this was supposed to be funny but I could not laugh because I was too confused with all the long sentences etc. Another thing I noticed is that you did a lot of telling as opposed to showing. If you don't know what I mean, here's an example:

Telling:
Sam was hot when he ran in after a long and tiring game of football

Showing:
Sweat glistened on Sam's forehead as he walked into the house with muddy sneakers and a football tucked under one arm.

In the first one... there is not much description, you're just telling the reader what's going on. In the second one you're describing that Sam was hot and that he had just got home from football without actually telling the reader. I would suggest reading up on this and other articles in the 'knowledge base' of the site.
Keep it up, just try a bit harder
PM me with any questions
xxmimixx