Facing The Fences

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Hey guys. I modeled this story after my own experiences with my horse, and was planning on fixing it up and seeing if I could submit it to a magazine that is geared towards horse-crazy preteens/teenagers. I'd love it if some of you guys could take a look over it and offer some suggestions before I mail it off and get a nice lovely rejection letter! XD I'm not happy with the ending - as I said before, the age group is pretty young, but the last line just sounds a little too sappy for me.
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“Three, two, one!” Ella whispered, digging her heels into the gelding’s side. She crouched over the horse’s neck. Star’s white mane whipped against the young girl’s face as they lurched over the jump. Ella’s heart raced with adrenaline as they sailed through the air. She gathered up the leather reins for the next fence of the combination, only a few strides away. She could hear her riding instructor calling out, telling her to push Star forward to the next jump. Ella pressed her lips together in a narrow line and squinted her eyes as she focused.

Star heaved himself over the fence from a long spot, throwing the girl forward. She had counted wrong. Ella was trapped in a wobbly position on Star’s neck. The girl could hear her trainer yelling to gather up the reins. She scrambled and tried to pull herself back into the saddle. The white gelding’s head dragged low to the ground, and for the first time ever Ella was gripped with the fear that he might buck.

Star darted to the right, turning so swiftly that the girl lost her precarious balance. In slow motion, she tumbled over his withers and landed in a tuft of crabgrass with a loud “oof!” Her arms were splayed out to the side, bent at an awkward angle. As soon as Ella had fallen off Star, the gelding came to a jarring halt. The powerful muscles of his hindquarters bunched as his back hooves dug into the ground. Ella’s left arm was caught beneath his hooves. Her arm throbbed with a dull pain. She lifted it and stared at the spot where Star had stepped on her forearm. Blood was already pooling to form dark, purplish bruises. Tears welled at her eyes, but she bit her lip and tried to blink them away.

The gelding twisted his head around to stare down at her, as if to ask what Ella was doing on the ground. His nose brushed against the girl, nuzzling her side. Ella’s trainer, Jordan, rushed over to her.

“Are you hurt?” she asked. Ella shook her head “no” in reply, and she hoisted herself into a sitting position.

“Okay, time to get back up there,” her trainer said. Ella rose gingerly to her feet and Jordan helped her back into the saddle. “Trot,” the instructor ordered. Ella paused for a second, anxiety clutching at her stomach. She fumbled with the reins and pressed Star forward into a trot. She inhaled deep breaths, trying to calm herself. Ella’s sweaty palms were shaking, as her stomach churned with butterflies

Ella’s riding instructor told the duo to canter, and then she paused for a moment. Her dark eyebrows crinkled in surprise. “Is this your first time falling off?” Jordan asked.

The girl gulped and answered with a quiet yes.

“Well, congratulations then!” her trainer called out. Jordan’s face broke into a smile. Ella began to laugh, and she urged Star into a canter. Ella lightly squeezed at the reins, massaging the bit in Star’s mouth.

“You two are going over those fences again,” the trainer told her. The girl nodded, and then hesitated for a moment.

“I think my arm got hurt,” she said, but her pleading excuse fell on deaf ears. The girl circled her horse a few times, trying to summon up some confidence. She wanted to halt Star and spring out of the saddle. She did not want to face those jumps. “I could do this another day,” she murmured, quiet enough so that Jordan could not hear her. Star’s ears flicked back to catch her soft words. If she got off now, if she gave up, Ella knew that it would be the end. Her fears would gnaw at her, and she would keep assuring herself that she’d get back on – the next day. But she never would. The girl gritted her teeth. “I’m going over those fences,” she told herself.

Ella spurred her horse faster and galloped the gelding around the grassy field, aiming for the jumps. They cantered down the line, the combination looming nearer and nearer. The girl’s heart thudded a nervous rhythm with each of Star’s footfalls. Ella knotted my hands in the white horse’s mane, squeezing her heels into the gelding’s side.

The pair sailed over the fence. Star’s ears pricked forward as he focused on the next obstacle. “Three, two, one, jump!” called out Ella’s trainer, and they passed over that fence just as easily.

Ella slowed Star to a walk, and patted his white coat that was sleek with sweat. The girl’s face split into a wide grin.

Ella spent the rest of the afternoon holding an icepack to her throbbing arm and trying to console her worried mother. Her bruised arm swelled up and the outline of Star’s hoof was red across the girl’s skin. Eventually, the battle wounds faded.

But the lessons that Ella learned would never fade.




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Hey there Dreami!

Oh, I know exactly how Ella feels, except the horse I got bucked off of wasn't even broke to ride...

Let's see if I can find something to nit-pick at...

“Okay, time to get back up there,” her trainer said. Ella rose gingerly to her feet and Jordan helped her back into the saddle. “Trot,” the instructor ordered. Ella paused for a second, anxiety clutching at her stomach. She fumbled with the reins and pressed Star forward into a trot. She inhaled deep breaths, trying to calm herself. Ella’s sweaty palms were shaking, as her stomach churned with butterflies


I think you should make it a new paragraph after the trainer tells Ella to get back in the saddle. But as it's only one sentence, you could afford to make add more description to it. It goes really fast. Then when the trainer is speaking again, that should be a new paragraph and the rest its own. But that's up to you. Oh, and you forgot a period after butterflies ^_^

Ella’s riding instructor told the duo to canter, and then she paused for a moment. Her dark eyebrows crinkled in surprise. “Is this your first time falling off?” Jordan asked.


I suggest you rewrite this paragraph. This is the one I didn't like the most. Here is a suggestion:

Jordan went to ask the pair to canter when she paused in thought. There was something different about the way Ella was riding. Then it dawned on her and her dark eyes crinkled in surprise. "Is this your first time falling off, Ella?" she called.

Like I said. Only a suggestion.

“Well, congratulations then!” her trainer called out. Jordan’s face broke into a smile. Ella began to laugh, and she urged Star into a canter. Ella lightly squeezed at the reins, massaging the bit in Star’s mouth.


Like the paragraph above ^ this could use more description and rewording. Another example:

"Well, congratulations then!" Jordan called, face breaking into a smile. Ella gave out a weak laugh and urged Star into a canter. She lightly pulled (because how do you squeeze at the reins?) at the reins, massaging the bit in her mount's mouth.

The pair sailed over the fence. Star’s ears pricked forward as he focused on the next obstacle. “Three, two, one, jump!” called out Ella’s trainer, and they passed over that fence just as easily.


Again, rewording. But I'm going to let you figure this one out on your own using my examples above ^_^

Ella spent the rest of the afternoon holding an icepack to her throbbing arm and trying to console her worried mother. Her bruised arm swelled up and the outline of Star’s hoof was red across the girl’s skin. Eventually, the battle wounds faded.

But the lessons that Ella learned would never fade.


I personally think the bolded part should be its own paragraph more effect. And say: Eventually the battle wounds would fade, but the lesson that Ella learnt would stick with her forever.

Overall: I think some of you could afford to use more description in some of your paragraphs and perhaps use less short sentences. I know you said it's more for younger ones but still...I liked how you showed Ella's fear. I know how that feels ^_^ I also like what I bolded there. It seemed like a perfect way to end it. Good job on this. It has a valuable lesson for all young riders. It didn't seem to sappy to me. Just reword it a bit. Although I think what I wrote as a suggestion was just a little sappy for me ^_^ It's entirely up to you!

Happy Writing!

Meadow
Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me

--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"



Writing is like love: the real thing is a lot less romantic
— dragonfphoenix