Runaway chapter 3. (I think)

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Okay guys, it's been awhile since I've posted. This won't be the greatest, but I've had a tad of writer's block. So don't be astounded at how poor the writing is, okay? :P


Jayson peered out his window, looking for Tyson, his second cousin. He hadn’t told Jackson about him and worried because he sent Tyson to go help him.
“Hey, Jayson, Jayson can you hear me? JAYSON!!!!”
“What, oh Tyson, it’s you. Sorry, I was thinking.”
“Jeez, when you think too hard, ya can’t hear anything!”
“I said I was sorry. Did you find Jackson? Is he alright?”
“Yeah, he’s fine. He’s a bold fella. Damn fast too. I had a hard time catchin up to him.”
Jayson smiled, that was Jackson alright.
“Well, did you tell him you wanted to help?”
“Yep. He agreed, but didn’t quite trust me. Smart guy to be thinkin that. Heck, if I saw m’self, I wouldn’t trust me either.”
“Ha, that’s true! I don’t have much time and need to go soon Tyson. The matron has been making more frequent rounds on us. If she finds out that I’m communicating with you, a man they don’t even trust, I’ll get moved to a different orphanage. Then you wouldn’t be able to find me and Jack’s plan will be ruined.”
“Calm down Jayson! Jeez, there’s nothing to worry about! I’ll be gone soon. Jackson wanted me to tell you to keep doing your part and to expect a little delay.”
“Okay Tyson, tell him that there are only about thirty kids who want to leave. That should make his job a little easier.”
“Hmph, I’ll tell him, but don’t expect anythin’ back. I aint a mailman ya know. By the way, Jackson says tha’ he wants ya to keep doin your part.”
“Thanks Tyson.”
Tyson grunted and left.
Jayson sat in his room, thinking about what Tyson had said. He walked out of his room and went down the stairs. He walked outside and stood by the gates. He took a deep breath, imagining Jackson walking free out there. He heard the door open.
“Jayson! Get your little bottom in here right now!”
Jayson sighed.
“Yes Mrs. Livington.”
“There’s a good lad. Come on now, hurry up! I don’t want to stand here and watch the grass grow!”
Jayson trudged inside. He felt like he was being escorted to prison. He looked back at Mrs. Livington but she was looking ahead, with a scowl on her face. Sometimes Jayson wondered if her face had frozen that way. He walked up the stairs and went over to his friend’s room to talk to him. He was the same age as Jayson and was an expert smuggler. Jayson knocked on the door and went in.
“Hey Peter, what where you able to smuggle this time.”
“Hey Jayson. I got a whole bunch of food for us. All I had to do was pretend to work in the kitchens and smuggle things out as I went. You wouldn’t believe what they put into their food! It’s so disgusting!”
“Good job Peter. Keep up the good work.”
He left and went to his room. He picked up the maps Jackson had left him and was about to go explore when the dinner bell rang. Jayson ignored it and went to go explore. He didn’t want to eat anything they made, especially after what Peter told him. Today he decided to use the vent map and wander around in there. He went to his room, but found it all wrecked up. Jayson was worried. He had been there only five minutes ago. Who had gotten into his room? He hoped they didn’t find what they were looking for. With a sudden realization, he searched his room for the maps Jackson had given him. They weren’t there.
“Looking for these?”
Jayson swerved around to see Mrs. Livington standing there in the door way. She leaned against the door frame. She was holding Jackson’s maps.
“Shouldn’t you be eating your dinner Jayson?”
“Shouldn’t you be eating yours?”
“Don’t you dare talk back to me. What are these?”
“My doodles. Why should you care?”
“Because these ‘doodles’ are of the orphanage, inside and out. What are you up to?”
“Nothing, I like to draw. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go eat my dinner. So should you. I would hate for you to miss dinner.”
Jayson received a vicious backhand across his face.
“I told you not to talk back to me. I’ll ask you again, what are you up to?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know. See you later, Livertongue.”
Jayson was walking out of his room when Mrs. Livington grabbed his hand. She swung him around to face her. Jayson cringed; she looked more evil up close. Her breath smelled bad too.
“I’ve given you plenty of warnings Jayson. Now I want you to tell me what you are up to. If you don’t, you’ll wish you’d never been born.”
“Then I’ll make a little call. I’ll tell you the phone number, 911. Then you’ll wish you’d never been born. Uh oh, better let me go Livertongue, I hear sirens.”
“You insolent boy! I’ll count to three, if you don’t tell me what’s going on, you’ll be joining your parents in the place underneath our feet!”
“Oh no, a threat, naughty words to be saying to a kid. I better wash out your mouth.”
Jayson reached out and snatched the soap that she always had in her pocket and shoved it into her snarling mouth.
“Hope you like lavender. By the time it washes out your mouth, you’ll smell so clean, and your breath won’t smell so bad. See ya later Livertongue.”
Jayson ran down the stairs noticing the gathered crowd of kids there. They started cheering for Jayson. He felt his chest fill pride. The kids stood there and laughed while Mrs. Livington pulled the soap out of her mouth. She spat out the soapy taste and stomped off. She had a firm grip on the papers; almost crushing them in her anger. She had plans for that boy, big plans.
I hate television. I hate it as much as I hate peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts. I also hate being on television, I hate it as much as people hate chocolate. But they always want chocolate.




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Hi! I looked over the last couple of chapters so I've got an idea of whats going on, I love the storyline :D

He hadn’t told Jackson about him and worried because he sent Tyson to go help him.


'he sent' needs to be 'he'd sent' or 'he had sent', you change who 'him' is here and its a bit confusing.
I'd maybe change the last part to something about him worrying what Jackson would do meeting Tyson- perhaps something like 'He hadn't told Jackson about him and worried about what Jackson would think- would he trust Tyson was trying to help?' A question would be good to show the worry Jayson feels :)

If she finds out that I’m communicating with you, a man they don’t even trust, I’ll get moved to a different orphanage.


I'm not sure who 'they' are as you just said she, and I'm not sure about 'don't even trust' as trust is something that you generally do when you really know someone and its not a little thing so I wouldn't really think of it as 'don't even'- just my opinion :P I'd maybe say something like 'a man she's not particularly fond of' or 'a man she doesn't really think of as trustworthy'.

Jayson sat in his room, thinking about what Tyson had said. He walked out of his room and went down the stairs. He walked outside and stood by the gates. He took a deep breath, imagining Jackson walking free out there. He heard the door open.


Its a bit robotic here, I'd change one of the 'walked' to describe more how he moves- if not stepped might work just as well :) Most of the sentences here begin with 'He' so I'd maybe play around with them a bit more, for instance 'Taking a deep breath, his imagination wandered to what Jackson was up to walking free out there.' I think you could add more to 'He heard the door open' as well, perhaps the sound of the door opening or how it snaps him out of his thoughts? Like 'The creek of the door opening brought his attention back to the present.'

He walked up the stairs and went over to his friend’s room to talk to him. He was the same age as Jayson and was an expert smuggler. Jayson knocked on the door and went in.


I'm not that keen on using went, I think you can usually say something better, even if it is just a simple word like 'entered'. I think that might jut be me though so ignore me if you want! I don't think you need 'was' before 'an expert smuggler', the sentence might sound better without it.

“Hey Peter, what where you able to smuggle this time.”


'where' should be 'were' and I'd change the full stop to a question mark as its a question.

You wouldn’t believe what they put into their food!


If its in the kitchen isn't it their food- as in the orphans? So wouldn't it be 'our' instead of their?

He left and went to his room. He picked up the maps Jackson had left him and was about to go explore when the dinner bell rang. Jayson ignored it and went to go explore.


Went is used again here a couple of times, like I said before I think you can replace some of them with better words. When you say 'he was about to go explore when the dinner bell rang' it sounds as if this stopped him from exploring but it didn't, as you say in the next sentence. So instead I'd maybe say something about the dinner bell ringing as he picked up the map then go onto the next sentence about him ignoring it :) I think it might be better to add what he is exploring for- I know its for escape routes but I just think it might be good to say that here as well.

He went to his room, but found it all wrecked up.


The exploring goes by very quickly, I know its only supposed to be five minutes but still I would add more to it. If only to say it was useless. I do think you need something between when he left his room and when he returned as otherwise its a bit too quick and confusing. You know how I feel about went... :D I'm not sure about 'all wrecked up' either, maybe just 'completely wrecked' or something similar would work better? I'd also maybe add to the description of wrecked- how is it like that? Are clothes on the floor? the bed upturned? That sort of thing might be good in setting the scene :)

Jayson swerved around


I think swivelled would be a better word to use here.

She leaned against the door frame. She was holding Jackson’s maps.


I think these sentences might sound better combined- 'She leaned against the door frame holding Jackson's map.'

Jayson cringed; she looked more evil up close.


I'd add an 'even' before more evil and maybe add some description after this on how she looks evil- yellow teeth, glinting eyes that sort of thing.

Then you’ll wish you’d never been born.


I'd maybe put 'you'll' in italics here so there is more emphasis on it.

I’ll count to three, if you don’t tell me what’s going on, you’ll be joining your parents in the place underneath our feet!


I'd maybe add 'and if by then you haven't told me what is going on' after 'I'll count to three,' instead of just 'if you don't tell me whats going on' to show that he has to tell her by the time she's finished counting :)

By the time it washes out your mouth, you’ll smell so clean, and your breath won’t smell so bad.


'you'll smell so clean' and 'your breath won't smell so bad' are kind of the same things, talking about her not smelling as much. I'd maybe leave out 'you'll smell so clean' and add a 'perhaps' so something like this- 'By the time it washes out your mouth, perhaps your breath won't smell so bad.'

Jayson ran down the stairs noticing the gathered crowd of kids there. They started cheering for Jayson. He felt his chest fill pride.


How do the kids know whats happened between him and the woman? Did they overhear them? If so I'd maybe say something to imply this, about them having gathered to listen to the argument or something. I'd also combine the last two sentences, I'd maybe change 'fill' to 'swell with' too, so something like this- 'They started cheering for Jayson and he felt his chest swell with pride.'


Overall: I love the story you have going here :D I'm interested to see where its going!

I think you could add more description to all that characters as I haven't really got a sense of what they look like so far. I also think you could add more on how they say things after speech and their expressions. When you do describe you do it well but I do think you need more, on the surroundings too so the reader can get a sense of what the room looks like.

With words I have pointed out the use of 'went' which is a word I'm not too fond of :P I'd replace it where you can so its not used too much, it might be more effective to say how he travelled from one place to the other as if someone says went you don't really get much of an image.

I found you skimmed over when he left his room very quickly, I think you should add more there so it makes clear that time has passed before he returns. I'm also a bit confused as to why the evil woman did not punish him properly, she made a lot of threats but didn't actually do anything when he shoved soap in her mouth. If she's as evil as she is made out to be, surely she wouldn't just grumble about getting him back- wouldn't she at least get someone else to run after him and bring him back or shout curses after him about 'when I get my hands on you!' sort of stuff. I think that would be a bit more realistic.

I do like this story so far though! I love Jayson's character and I'm already hating Livertongue (great name by the way!) :D Good job so far, I look forward to reading more! All my comments are just suggestions so ignore them if you want, Hope I've helped :)
"Your mother is a hamster and your father smells of elderberries"
-Monty Python and The Holy Grail



The highlighted children are not mine.
— AresFig