Young Writers Society

Please be as brutal as necessary because I am horrible at free-form poems.

Suddenly I fell.
Darkness came over me
like a black blanket.
It suffocated me.
I tried to hide,
closed my eyes
Stayed like this
for hours, days, months.
Shrank in fear.
Then, I peeked.
My eyelids slightly ajar
before they flew open
staring, wondering
at the hand before me.
I reached out
and took it.
These eyes smiled
as waterfalls ran down my cheeks
because i was lifted up
and I saw the light.
The light that would save me
and terminate the darkness
for all of time.

My eyelids slightly ajar

before the flew open

Is the above "the" supposed to be they?

Grammatically this poem needed some help. You don't really have any punctuation at all, it all just kind of runs together. If you are not sure what punctuation to use then try something you need to do either way is separate them into more than just two stanzas. It will look better that way.

When writing free form poetry you should stay away from putting stanzas in big blocks. Usually each stanza has a sort of little idea in it that makes up the whole idea. The way you have it here just mushes everything together and I don't really get it but I do at the same time.

You have a good idea going here, it just gets smothered by the lack of punctuation. Just think about when people are reading it, where you would want them to pause for dramamtic effect and how you really want it to sound when yuo read it. So try reading the poem out loud to yourself and I am sure that will help you.

I think you could really make this good if you just edit it and add punctuation and more stanzas.

Let me know if you need help!

Rory Legend

Hello, my name is Colt, and I shall be reviewing you this evening. This piece was interesting. The flow was mostly okay. A thing I like to call punctuation was needed. There was some metaphors and personification! I liked that. I don't think that the random space between the lines were needed, but that's just me. Some alliteration, but more could be used. I like it and you have a great start!

Hey, I really like this! And be as brutal as necessary... Ummm.... OK!!!
Haha just kidding. I really did enjoy it. Just a few suggestions though,
like everyone else, you need to add punctuation. Punctuation adds more
firmness, emotion I guess is what I'm trying to say. Also, just check your
spelling and capitalization! Well if you have any questions, you
know how to reach me!! Later!

~Justy

Hiya! I'm here to edit grammar and give my opinions on said poem.

Suddenly, I fell.
[s]d[/s]Darkness came over me
like a black blanket.
It suffocated me.
I tried to hide,
closed my eyes,
stayed like this
for hours, days, months.
I [s]S[/s]shrank in fear.. I liked this stanza; I felt the last line needed the "I".

[s]t[/s]Then, I peeked.

My eyelids slightly ajar
before they flew open,
staring, wondering
at the hand before me.
[s]i[/s]I reached out
and took it.
[s]t[/s]These eyes smiled
as waterfalls ran down my cheeks, Beautiful simile here.
because [s]i[/s]I was lifted up,
and I saw the light.
[s]t[/s]The light that would save me
and terminate the darkness
for all of time.

Okay, overall time:

Descriptions: I thought you did a wonderful job on the imagery and descriptions! I loved your use of those similes. Perhaps throw in some more metaphors?

Grammar & such: Try to improve on that grammar! Double check before posting to make sure you made no careless mistakes. I am a huge grammar freak. Hehe.

Overall: I loved this poem. I thought it had a nice meaning to it and used descriptive words well. And you did fine with free-verse! Gold star for you!

Love,
Music.

Ooh I like your poem! There are only a few things I would suggest changing.
1: I think that the the in: "before the flew open" is supposed to be they, right? Well, thats how I read it...
2: You forgot to capitalize some I's
3: On the second-last line, instead of using terminate, you should use something that can flow more easily, like eliminate. Because, you see, terminate ... um... well i cannot really explain, so I kinda hope you know what I mean... Anyways... yeah. I really liked it! Hope 2 see more!